Surprise, surprise, i'm actually in a good mood today--almost optimistic even--despite my mom's best efforts to the contrary. She's had me scanning baby books for her "scrapbooking." As far as I can tell, "scrapbooking" is all the rage amongst baby boomers these days.
It's a good thing i'm used to her crazy demands. In fact, I should probably open a hotel chain exclusively for high-profile members of the acting/entertainment industry with my experience in crazy demands. But enough about that....

Taking advantage of my good mood, i'm going to share some "Quirks & Quotes," from my very own storehouse, with everyone that reads this. You can all thank me later...with a suitable cash donation, of course. ;p

(Just imagine/visualize the quotation marks because i'm too lazy to put them there)

QUOTES

The dumber people think you are, the more surprised they're going to be when you kill them.

Honesty is the best policy, but insanity is a better defense.

Out of my mind, ...be back in five minutes.

If you can't convince them, confuse them.

I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.

Some mornings, it's just not worth chewing through the leather straps.

Laugh alone and the world thinks you're an idiot.

If you can't annoy somebody, there's little point in writing.

If you can smile when things go wrong, you have someone in mind to blame.

Never wrestle with a pig: You both get all dirty, and the pig likes it.

Never argue with an idiot. They drag you down to their level then beat you with experience.

I live in my own little world, but it's okay, they know me here.

I am a nobody, and nobody's perfect, so therefore, I'm perfect.

The main reason santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.

We are born naked, wet, and hungry. Then things get worse.

Eat right, exercise daily, live clean, die anyway.

Anything good in life is either illegal, immoral, or fattening. Anything not fitting into these categories causes cancer in rats.

As you journey through life take a minute every now and then to give a thought for the other fellow. He could be plotting something.

QUIRKS

Top 10 Ways to
Keep Wackiness in the Workplace

10. Name all your pens and insist that meetings can't begin until they're all present.
9. Schedule meetings for 4:14 PM.
8. Develop an unnatural fear of staplers or tape dispensers.
7. "Hi-lite" your shoes. Tell people that you haven't lost your shoes since you did this.
6. While sitting at your desk, soak your fingers in "Palmolive".
5. When co-worker walks by motion him over, lean forward as if you are about to say something then go back to work.
4. Page yourself over the intercom. (Don't disguise your voice.)
3. Send email to the rest of the company telling them what you're doing. For example, "If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathroom."
2. Include a personal note on every email that you send. "On a personal note, I'm feeling a bit tired and grumpy today." "On a personal note, I'm pleased to announce that I got my highest score ever on Tetris last night."
1. Every time you enter the room, sit in a chair, lean back too far, and fall over backwards. Laugh hysterically for about ten minutes. Then, one day, repeat the falling-over exercise, but instead of laughing, get up, look at the chair sternly, and say, "It's not funny anymore."

Top 17 Ways to
Freak-Out Your Roomate

17. Smoke ballpoint pens.
16. Smile -- All the time.
15. Always flush the toilet three times.
14. Listen to radio static.
13. Open your window shades before you go to sleep each night. Close them as soon as you wake up.
12. Whenever your roommate comes in from the shower, lower your eyes and giggle to yourself.
11. Whenever you go to sleep, starts jumping on your bed . . . do so for a while, then jump really high and act like you hit your head on the ceiling. Crumple onto your bed and fake like you were knocked out . . . use this method to fall asleep...every night for a month.
10. Ask your roommate if he/she has ever looked into the eye's of his/her victim.
9. Whenever his/her parents call and ask for your roommate, breathe into the phone for 5 seconds then hang up.
8. Gather up a garbage bag full of leaves and throw them in a pile in his/her room. Jump in them. Comment about the beautiful foliage.
7. Get a computer. Leave it on when you are not using it. Turn it off when you are.
6. Fake a heart attack. When your roommate gets the paramedics to come, pretend nothing happened.
5. Whenever the phone rings, get up and answer the door
4. Whenever someone knocks, answer the phone.
3. Whenever your roommate walks in, wait one minute and then stand up. With an air of disdain, announce that you are going to take a shower. Do so. Keep this up for three weeks.
2. Buy Sea Monkeys and grow them. Name one after your roommate. Announce the next day that that one died. Name another one after your roommate. The next day say that it died. Keep this up until they all die.
1. Spend all your money on Transformers. Play with them at night. If your roommate says anything, tell him/her with a straight face, "They're more than meets the eye."

Top 20 Things To Do While Ordering A Pizza

20. Do not name the toppings you want. Rather, spell them out.
19. Put an extra edge in your voice when you say "crazy bread."
18. Put them on hold.
17. Rattle off your order with a determined air. If they ask if you would like drinks with that, panic and become disoriented...
16. Report a petty theft to the order taker.
15. Ask for the guy who took your order last time.
14. Be vague in your order. When they ask what you'd like on your pizza say, "Oh, a little of this, a little of that..."
13. Say hello, act stunned for five seconds, then behave as if they called you.
12. If they repeat the order to make sure they have it right, say "OK. That'll be $10.99; please pull up to the first window."
11. Ask if you get to keep the pizza box. When they say yes, heave a sigh of relief.
10. Put the accent on the last syllable of "pepperoni." Use the long "i" sound.
9. Tell them to double-check to make sure your pizza is, in fact, dead.
8. Say it's your anniversary and you'd appreciate if the deliverer hid behind some furniture waiting for your spouse to arrive so you can surprise him/her.
7. Terminate the call with, "Remember, we never had this conversation."
6. In your breathiest voice, tell them to cut the jazz about nutrition and ask if they have something outlandishly sinful.
5. When the order is repeated, change it slightly. When it is repeated again, change it again. On the third time, say, "You just don't get it, do you?"
4. When they say, "Will that be all?" snicker and say "We'll find out, won't we?"
3. State your order and say that's as far as this relationship is going to get.
2. If he/she suggests a side order, ask why he/she is punishing you.
1. If he/she suggests anything, adamantly declare, "I shall not be swayed by your sweet words."

Most people should be familiar with the next one....

Top 40 Things To Do While In An Elevator

40. Make racecar noises when anyone gets on or off.
39. Blow your nose and offer to show the contents of your Kleenex to other passengers.
38. Whistle the first seven notes of "It's a Small World" incessantly.
37. On a long ride, sway side to side at the natural frequency of the elevator.
36. Bring a chair along.
35. Take a bite of a sandwich and ask another passenger: "Wanna see wha in muh mouf?"
34. On the highest floor, hold the door open and demand that it stay open until you hear the penny you dropped down the shaft go "plink" at the bottom.
33. Do Tai Chi exercises.
32. Give religious tracts to each passenger.
31. Meow occasionally.
30. Sing "Mary had a little lamb" while continually pushing buttons.
29. Walk on with a cooler that says "human head" on the side.
28. Play the harmonica.
27. Say "Ding!" at each floor.
26. Lean against the button panel.
25. Stare at another passenger for a while, then announce "You're one of THEM!" and move to the far corner of the elevator.
24. Ask each passenger getting on if you can push the button for them.
23. Wear a puppet on your hand and talk to other people "through" it.
22. Start a sing-along.
21. Crack open your briefcase or purse, and while peering inside ask: "Got enough air in there?"
20. Offer name tags to everyone getting on the elevator. Wear yours upside-down.
19. Stand silent and motionless in the corner, facing the wall, without getting off.
18. When arriving at your floor, grunt and strain to yank the doors open, then act embarrassed when they open by themselves.
17. Lean over to another passenger and whisper: "Noogie patrol coming!"
16. Greet everyone getting on the elevator with a warm handshake and ask them to call you Admiral.
15. One word: Flatulence!
14. When at least 8 people have boarded, moan from the back: "Oh, not now, darn motion sickness!"
13. Bet the other passengers you can fit a quarter in your nose.
12. Show other passengers a wound and ask if it looks infected.
11. When the elevator is silent, look around and ask "is that your beeper?"
10. Listen to the elevator walls with a stethoscope.
9. Grimace painfully while smacking your forehead and muttering: "Shut up, blasted, all of you just shut UP!""
8. Carry a blanket and clutch it protectively.
7. Make explosion noises when anyone presses a button.
6. Wear "x-ray Specs" and leer suggestively at other passengers.
5. Stare at your thumb and say, "I think it's getting larger."
4. Announce in a demonic voice: "I must find a more suitable host body."
3. Stare, grinning, at another passenger for a while, and then announce: "I've got new socks on!"
2. Frown and mutter "gotta go, gotta go" then sigh and say "oops!"
1. Draw a little square on the floor and announce to the other passengers that this is your "personal space."

OBSERVATIONS

Did you ever notice, when you are sitting at a red light, that when the person in front of you pulls up a couple of inches, you are compelled to move up too? Do we really think we are making progress toward our destination? "Whew, I thought we would be late, but now that I am nine inches closer, I can stop for coffee and a danish!"

Isn't it weird that we drink milk, stuff designed to nourish baby cows? How did THAT happen? Did some cattleman once say, "Oh, man, I can't wait till them calves are done so I can get ME a hit of that stuff."

Now they show you how detergents take out bloodstains, a pretty violent image there. I think if you've got a T-shirt with a bloodstain all over it, maybe laundry isn't your biggest problem. Maybe you should get rid of the body before you do the wash.

That's all for now--don't get greedy--my good mood won't last forever. ;)

Well kids, it's time for another story....
So, a few nights ago, i'm watching the movie U-571. If anyone hasn't watched it, it's about a bunch of Americans trying to recover the Enigma machine from a German U-boat(a.k.a. a submarine) during WWII without the Germans knowing about it.

During a scene where the guys in the U-boat are just cruising through the water, dodging depth charges, and stuff; there's suddenly this loud pinging, you know, like SONAR, and i'm thinking "Okay, the guys in the destroyer/battleship are using their sonar..." At least, that's what I thought until it continued during the commercial break....

Anyways, it turns out that my brother(who was watching it with me) had fallen asleep on the opposite couch. He was snoring and sounded exactly like sonar...with the echoing "poch" and everything.

Weird....

Well, I survived the ordeal yesterday. I also learned something interesting...my sister is now twelve years old. Now, as a brother who's known her since she was a smaller version of her screaming harpy self, I feel as if I should have known that. It also, strangely enough, makes me feel old...and not in a good way either...more like the "severe cataracts and a bad hip, would you please hand me my teeth" kind of old. =p

Soon, it'll be time for me to be predicting dire consequences to prospective boyfriends and beating them off with a stick when they're too dense to figure out that said predictions are thinly-veiled threats. *le sigh* So much to look forward to...I suppose i'll go polish up ol' hickory. ;)

I'm now living in dread of one of the most horrible events to ever occur in the course of a man's life...a little sister's birthday party(this is your cue to gasp in horror)! Very nice gasp--quite dramatic...you may even be eligible to be nominated for an Oscar. ;)

Now then, back to my story...
For those of you not familar, or for those of you fortunate enough not to be familiar with the experience, i'll explain the basics. A little sister's birthday party mainly consists of: many little girls--near-clones of the demon-spawned harpy you refer to as your sister(when you can't avoid acknowledging her that is)--with very much screaming and shrieking(think medieval torture chambers), and possessing a great deal of stupid questions. *shudder*

Compared to a room-full of shrieking females, the alleged plagues in Egypt were nothing. Moses obviously didn't possess much talent with calling down plagues. In my opinion, he should've locked Ramses in a room full of shrieking little girls--Ramses would've broke(or gone insane). Actually, I watched a show on the discovery channel about the Moses story and possible/plausible theories, but, I digress, that has no bearing on this particular story.... 

So, anyways, i'll try to think nice thoughts until then...something along the lines of a mass outbreak of the plague. Yes, I feel better already. ;p

*sigh* Excuse me, I now have a bunch of fan mail I need to respond to. =p

*le sigh* I don't go online for a week and the messages pile up. I think there must be something worth pitying someone for, when their online life is more hectic/busy than their real life. Oh well, i'll work on a good bout of self-pity later on...I have messages to reply to. ;)

In other news, it's my sister's birthday today. *pats self on back for remembering* Of course, knowing three people that have the same birthday today didn't hurt any. =p

I'm in a ranting mood, so i'll probably have something to say later on. Whether it's worth listening to is another matter entirely...but then again, everything I say is worth listening to. ;)

DEAR GOD, THE PINK-NESS! It's boring holes through my eyes! Don't you remember what happened to St. Valentine? That's right--he was beaten to death with clubs and, as if that wasn't bad enough, had his head cut off! You know why? Because...he...used...PINK!

In other news, my bio now includes a short example of, what I like to call, a 'friendlier' bio. Those of you that have written messages to me might have already noticed some of the qualities that I purport to have. If so, i'm mildly surprised that you're still writing to me. =p 

Dear Diary...uh...I mean, Dear Man-journal,

Today, I...um...apparently got amnesia. Oh well.


In other news, i've decided to update my bio page to make the cold and impersonal random surveys into something more warm, and friendly--basically, the antithesis of me. ;)
Something more one-on-one, tête-a-tête, uno en uno, and other foreign adjectives that amount to the same thing.
So, if anyone reads this thing, i'm open to suggestions as to what I should write.
What do you--John Q. Public/Joe Public/Joe Six-pack/Joe Shmoe/John Doe/Jane Q. Public/Jane Winecooler/Ann Yone/Jane Doe/any other generic name used to refer to a hypothetical typical member of society--wish to know about me? Where I got my good looks from? How I know random and useless trivia such as: tortoises can breathe through their butts, hippos fart through their mouths, seals have two sets of bones in their tails(leftover from the days when they had legs), the first time a toilet was shown/heard being flushed in a movie was during Alfred Hitchcock's 'Psycho', et cetera, ad nauseum? The possibilities are endless....

Now I must sleep, because there has to be something wrong with writing in a man-journal at 5:30 in the morning. Isn't insomnia great? 

Now for some random thoughts on strange mental connections associated with commercials:

Has anyone seen the Neutrogena commercial with Mischa Barton? She's the chick that plays the crazy skank on the TV show 'The O.C.' I don't remember her character's name, obviously, and I kinda prefer 'crazy skank' to whatever it really is anyhow. She's the one that's either srewing anything containing testosterone(and some things not i'm told) or trying to off herself. Personally, i'm hoping she succeeds in the second category. She makes me wish that euthanasiasts were more widely accepted and available or that a random serial killer might just visit the O.C. one day and take an interest in her. Maybe that's what the writers were trying to achieve?

On an unrelated note, euthanasia sounds a lot like 'youth in Asia.' Is anyone else disturbed/intrigued by this? Maybe there's a connection? Death + youth in Asia. Maybe it's a subliminal message? Kids are dying in Asia and need our help that comes in the form of a large cash donation(it's my cynicism talking)? It bears futher investigation.... 

Back to the main topic: The commercial is about a product called 'Neutrogena Deep Clean Gentle Scrub.' Now maybe it's my male mind that goes immature and makes it sound like 'Genital Scrub' but I can't be too sure. The fact that a girl playing a renowed skank on an(apparantly) popular show is promoting products that sound a lot like genital scrub is too much of a coincidence for me. As my sister, a watcher of the show in question, said: "If anyone needs it, it's her." Marketing people are damned sneaky if you ask me. They're my kind of people. ;)

I, personally, think it's a horrible name for a face-cleansing product. I've been called a dick-head now and again, but thats not enough reason for me to buy and rub something sounding like 'genital scrub' on my face.

I think I need therapy....

According to the calendar and various females in my family, today is my birthday. Seeing as how i'm a guy and, therefore, don't remember the dates of anything even remotely important, i'll choose to believe what they're telling me. Since I usually feel like Methuselah these days, the difference isn't noticeable. I'm still the modest know-it-all/brooding cynic/evil, charismatic, sexy hunk of a man genius that we all know and love that I was yesterday. =p

Also, my brother, in typical male fashion, informed me that I can now, legally, buy alcohol. After this remark, my mom encouraged me, the anti-social hermit, to go bar-hopping, get roaring drunk, and wake up in the morning in a half-melted snowbank with no memories of the previous night. I'm still not sure if she was joking or not. You know you're loved when.... 

Anyways, happy birthday/hatch-day/successful genetic experiment-day to me!

I've decided i've got another good rant left in me today. It's on the subject of why the world is out to get us and Winter is it's season of choice.

Winter is the season of viruses and other unpleasantries; The common cold, flu, hypothermia, pneumonia, etc. It's enough to make a man want to run around outside in his long underwear and make snow angels.

Why are colds so common? Because Winter has lowsy air circulation. Most people don't throw open their patio doors/windows to 'catch that delightful breeze' blowing outside during Winter. Why? Because it's damned cold. So we breathe the same air over and over again until we, finally, succumb to the germ particles floating around. That's enough of a science lesson for today.

I suppose i'm in a bad mood because those damn germ particles have finally gotten to me. I have a large family. Lot's of people living under one roof. A major downside? Chain-reactions. If one person gets sick, it's not a question of if you're going to get sick, but when. I should probably paint 'Quarantine' on a board and nail it to my front door.

Being sick for Christmas seems to be a family tradition of mine. I know Christmas is a time of giving, but a virus doesn't exactly make me feel all warm and toasty inside...unless, I have a fever that is....

 

 

So, today I was brooding(something I do quite often) on the subject of the Egyptyian gods and I noticed something that others may or may not have already noticed....

If you look at the personality of an Egyptian god/goddess, you may notice that they seem to possess the personality traits of their animal counterparts. Is this deliberate? I mean, did the ancient Egyptians have a reason for placing certain animal heads on certain gods...something more elaborate that 'eeny-meeny-miny-mo!'

For examle, Anubis: He possesses the head of a jackal. A jackal is a scavenger. They're wild animals that usually live off of the leavings(dead things) of others. Anubis' career is based on the leavings of others(dead things). Coincidence?

Amid the mighty Egyptian gods of Death, War, and the Sun, etc. Anubis is left with the exhalted position of Embalming. Doesn't that just inspire a person to get down on their knees and worship you...In my opinion, Anubis got a raw deal in relation to the job department. But, at least, he looks cool.  

Maybe i've let the Discovery Channel's Egypt Week go to my head....

  For those that I am doing art for: It'll take more time(see below for details)....

  A few days ago, I made one of the biggest mistakes an artist can make... *dramatic pause* I agreed to do some art for a family member. *insert horrified gasps from captivated audience* Normally this isn't a problem, as it's usually just one or two quick scribbles.
 
  However, my sister is planning her wedding and asked if i'd do some designs for her. Family loyalty demands that I agree and do the art beyond perfection, and, of course, it backfired on me and snowballed. A few simple designs soon turned into me designing the lettering for the cake, banners, the invitations, etc.
 
  Some of you readers may be unfortunate enough to know that nothing is pickier than a sister/woman planning her wedding--everything has to be perfect(not to mention they have the prerogative to change their mind every thirty seconds and they exercise it often.) Maybe it's my cynicism talking...but I don't really believe that. =p

  To sum it up, the strive for perfection has messed up(i'm getting really technical here) my arm and I am unable to draw--unless I use my left arm--but, you don't want to go there....

  Even typing this message is a pain. I use the hunt-and-peck method. Although, I prefer calling it the search-and-destroy method. You now, like Battleship? For example: Instead of 'E3' it's just 'E' and your missiles are your fingers...it's surprisingly entertaining....

  Anyway, I am unable to draw just now, and it really sucks....

Today, I have entered the realm of satellite TV users. The novelty of having the ability to be indecisive about which show to watch next has yet to wear off. Before, I had the choice of watching one channel, the other channel, or nothing at all...

Allow me to explain, my TV used to have only an arial for reception. Considering my house is surrouned on all sides(is that redundant or what?) by towering mountains of rock, it's needless to say, reception was bad, and that's putting it kindly.

I used to posses 1.5 channels--count 'em--1.5. One came in clear, and the other was as temperamental as a woman in deciding whether or not to grace my family with a clear picture. No offence to temperamental women(redundancy again? I'm on a roll!) =p

So, here I now sit, being lured into a lifestyle of vegetating on the couch, and snarling at all comers who'd dare to pry the remote control from my vice-like grip, by a siren named satellite television.

Someone save me from myself...when it's a commercial break.... =p

I think it's time for an update on my life's(or lack of one) progress.

I've been doing a lot of website designing lately. Not much time for doodling and random sketches. But, i've already got a few sketchbooks full of 'em so it's no big loss.

Teaching myself to paint digitally. It's going slow, but i'm working on it. Colour is the bane of my existence and right now we're working out an uneasy truce. Hopefully the shaky alliance will last.

I went driving for the first time since I got my G1 yesterday. Learned a few things about myself. Namely, that I have an affinity with speed and a reckless disregard for human mortality. Must be because of all the racing videogames i've played. According to my chinese zodiac(the tiger) i'd make a good race car driver. The passenger in the vehicle at the time agrees with the previous statement. Or else I just need more practice. 

That's it for now....

I have learned recently that family members make horrible critics(i've had suspicions of this for years but today they were utterly confirmed.) You can draw a complete piece of crap, ask your family if it's ok and they look at it and go "uh-huh." Lately i've drawn two different versions of a baby gryphon. So I ask my sister which one looks better...

Her:'Aww...they're both so cute.'
Me:and?
Her:It looks like a little puppy...
Me:*banging head against wall*

Um, yeah, the moral of the story boys and girls is that family make horrible critics...

'The diary is sad and empty'...pfft! Yeah, and it's not the only one:(
Not much happening today...lack of sleep is slowly wearing me down but, oddly enough, I do my best work when I can't sleep...soooo...maybe it's a good thing?
Maybe I can spew out a few more pics...before...I...*zzzz*