well, i guess i might as well give up on anything i want.
it seems like the harder i try..
and the more effort i put forth..
the less of a chance i get to recieve what i want.
and the sad thing is, id probably do anything to get what i want.
when i love something.
or i like something.
i love/like it with all of my heart.
and id travel to the ends of this earth to get that thing.
.<
and it sucks, because you make one mistake..
or listen to one person..
and every chance you had is gone.
people change.
i guess.
and love dies.
..not for me.
but for everyone else.
its a shame,
they created a love drug.
that only works on bugs.
and i put myself through so much.
trying to read between the lines.
and make sense of everything.
and i am so oblivious to the obvious answer..
i guess i look past it..
because i dont like it.
but no matter how much i don't like his choice or his answer..
i can't change that.
no matter how much id be willing to do.
so i guess i should just stop.
and give up on love.
because theres nothing i can do.
i'll never be that girl that he wants.
not ever again.
i had my chance.
and i blew it.
i'll never be the one who can make him smile no matter what.
or the one who can ease his pain.
or ease his stress.
i'd do just about anything to be that,
but all i can do is be a friend.
an unimportant person in his life.
the one in last place.
i should accept that.
but damn it's hard.
-sigh-
[so do the survey/quiz thing in the previous entry, give me some closure, something ot let me know exactly how your feeling.]
have you ever made a desicion you regret?
made a mistake you wish you had a rewind button for?
uggh.
and then you think you have an oppertunity to fix it and make it better..
get another shot.
but your too afriad to say anything..
or do anything wrong..
because thats what got you in the situation your in now..
and you dont wanna lose another person.
but you wanna say something..
but you cant?
well i know that feeling very well.
anyways.
besides that..
DO THIS!
What Would you Do if..:
[1.) I committed suicide:]
[2.) I said I liked you:]
[3.) I kissed you:]
[4.) I lived next door to you:]
[5.) I started smoking:]
[6.) I stole something:]
[7.) I was hospitalized:]
[8.) I ran away from home:]
[9.) I got into a fight and you weren't there:]
What do you think of my...:
[1.) Personality:]
[2.) Eyes:]
[3.) Face:]
[4.) Hair:]
[5.) Clothes:]
[6.) Mannerisms:]
General stuff...:
[1.) Who are you?:]
[2.) Are we friends?:]
[3.) When and how did we meet?:]
[4.) How have I affected you?:]
[5.) What do you think of me?:]
[6.) What's the fondest memory you have of me?:]
[7.) How long do you think we will be friends or enemies?:]
[8.) Do you love me?:]
[9.) Have I ever hurt you?:]
[10.) Would you hug me?:]
[11.) Would you kiss me?:]
[12.) Would you make love to me? :]
[13.) Would you marry me?:]
[14.) Emotionally, what stands out?:]
[15.) Do you wish I was cooler?:]
[16.) On a scale of 1-10, how nice am I?:]
[17.) Give me a nickname and explain why you picked it. :]
[18.) Am I loveable?:]
[19.) How long have you known me?:]
[20.) Describe me in one word. :]
[21.) What was your first impression? :]
[22.) Do you still think that way about me now?:]
[23.) What do you think my weakness is?:]
[24.) Do you think I'll get married?:]
[25.) What about me makes you happy?:]
[26.) What about me makes you sad?:]
[27.) What reminds you of me?:]
[28.) What's something you would change about me :]
[29.) How well do you know me? :]
[30.) Ever wanted to tell me something but couldn't? :]
[31.) Do you think I would kill someone? :]
[32.) Are we close?:]
[33.) Are you going to put this on your journal and see what I say about you?:]
mann. did someone give e a stupid shot?
because i had everything and gave it up for nothing.
man, steven, as if it isnt bad enough, that i fucked up..now you wont even talk to me or be my friend non the less. i love you and ALWAYS will.. incase you never got that. i must have told you a billion times. well. god. im not trying to get back with you. i just want you to be in my life. as a friend. or whatever. god. just stop ignoring me.
god. if only fucking ******* never pushed me to break up with him..and never talked me into it...anf never said fucking anything. then they fucked up everything for me. seriously.
god. i had so much. and now its gone.
why am i so stupid? woo. im pathetic.
anyone got a time machine?
well, you see. the thing is.. when i was with mr.jones.. everything was great..sure he wasnt the best boyfriend..he never called me or all the jazz..but god. i was happy as motherfucking hell. i was always hyper..and jumping around.. i only cried and felt sad when i was at home at night alone. everytime else life was fucking the best. man. i found all these journal entries that said how much i loved him.. and how happy i was. id give anything to be happy again.
pssh. i guess that marleigh, the fun one..., the happy one.. i guess shes gone for good. =/
now..lets see how many people care...
what the fuck is my problem?
i fucking sacrificed so much for him.
and fucking lost almost all of my friends.
i sacrificed so much for so many people and they ended up fucking up everything.
if only i wasnt so fucking stupid..and never broke up with steven..none of this would have happened.
i fucking regret ever doing it.
i regret moving back here.
i regret fucking everything.
i wish i wasnt born. ever.
then NOEN of this would have happened.
i wouldnt have ruined so many peoples lives.
and i wouldnt be such a fucking screw up.
fucking shoot me allready.
ive beenn through so much.
and had this stupid feeling of wwanting to be gone..
so many times..
i dont think i can handle it.
the depression is fucking killing me and i cant handle it./
i have fucked up EVERYTHING.
i cant focus on school -- im failing.
im a horrible girlfriend.
im a horrible friend.
im a horrible person.
i do stupid things to myself..that dont do anything but ease the pain for a short bt..and only end up causing more.
i dont wanna go soo stupid that i have to turn to drugs to take my mind off of the horribleness.
i dont want to.
i wont let it happen.
illl take myself out of this place before i go and do that..
and im on the border.'
fucking help me.
[Everyone know's who this is for.]
so tell me whats the point
of even asking to be friends..
You said we could outlast anything
that if it didnt work out
everything would be fine.
You know me so much better than you lead on..
Don't push me away.
Ignorance should be a sin.
I loved you.
Yet you pretend you couldn't see it.
if anyone should be upset
i should be.
You never seemed to care
I lied to my mother.
Pretended not to see it.
Acted like being ignored was fine.
How can you justify your words to me?
How can you make me out to be the bad guy
when you've got the bloody hands.
You cannot tell me you treated me right.
Lying to yourself will only cause you
more heart break.
I feel like an idiot..
For lying to myself for so long..
I saved us both more anguish.
You hate me for moving on so quickly
I did so..
so i didn't have to dwell.
You know i have enough to deal with..
Then to let heart break get in the way.
we are kids.
Stop taking it so seriously.
Don't ignore a cure.
Talk to me.
Stop being soo dramatic.
You know i make you smile..
theres no way for you to hide it.
Obviously you still have feelings..
if you havn't taken to pictures down
nor have you taken the drawing down
so just talk to me..
since you obviously don't hate me.
</3
[and a part of this can go to dylan also.]
ughh.. i dont get it. how people can act like they don't care but seriously be hating me fro "breaking their hearts"
it wasn't my entention, what so ever to hurt anyone...
i hic-a-doo-la-e
but nothing lasts forever. all good things must come to an end.
the main reason it didn't work out with Dylan -- i was getting my chronic depression back. and i must admit i do miss him... as stupid as it sounds...
I also miss Steven..but i guess thats how it goes , huh?
you break up with someone after being with them for a bit and getting comfortable and used to having them there to talk to and and to have... and then everything changes and you break up..and you feel naked without having your usual routine.
everyone is getting way to serious way to early... it's ninth grade.. i don't want to seriously date someone until like 11th or 12th.. when i can get married or whatever.. or when i can make it last... because theres no point of having this crazy serious relationship where your all in love and would do anything to keep them forever...when your only 14..and you have four more years till you can actually marry them.. soi highly doubt that the relationship woll actually last the full four years until you can actually get married.
it's just incredibly stupid to assume it will.. and in the end it will definitly hurt you.
no more serious dating for a while.
why am i so unnhappy when i reallly should be happy.
this is all very lame.
i do miss steven -- even though i deny it.
dylan yelled at me last night -- i should have broken up with him then.
steven peck doesnt like me =(
steven jones hasnt removed my pictures from his special bed place thing.
i have his fork on my wall. just because i can.
I dont know if i want to date anyone anymore.
at all.
i sorta wanna be single.
i like Alli McCleary =(
she'lll never like me.
Justin in Spencers told me he "really likes me"
Josh says when im 18 hes divorcing his wife.
high school is all dramamtic.
i dont kow if i wanna go to the mall anymore-- if i do.. im so just chilling with Justin and Josh in Spencers. then Quintin.
my mom needs to not get attched in my relationships.
she heard that im not that into dylan anymore..and she says "thats messed up"
he says he'll kill himself if i ever break up with him. =( =( i hate when people pressure me into dating them forever.
i cant beieve he yelled at me.
UGHHHHHHHHHH
I have so much.
I shouldnt feel the way i do.
Emptiness taking hold.
He treats me so well..
He tells me he loves me..
but emptiness still abounds.
You do nothing to help.
Using everything against me the way you do..
confusing me to the end.
Drama entertains the soul.
The soul of high school.
uughh. i dont know.
c-o-n-f-u-s-e-
i love Dylan.
<3
would you...
[_] Lock me in your room and take advantage of me?
[_] lick my cheek?
[_] listen to Blink 182 with me?
[_] dance with me?
[_] let me make you breakfast?
[_] tap me in the ass?
[_] help me with homework?
[_] tickle me to death?
[_] let me tickle you?
[_] stick up for me if i was being put down?
[_] carress my body?
[_] play strip poker with me?
[_] say yes if i asked you out?
[_] let me wear your pants?
[_] get wasted with me?
[_] instant message me?
[_] greet me in public?
[_] hang out with me?
[_] bring me around your friends?
do you....
[_] think im cute?
[_] think im hot?
[_] want to kiss me?
[_] want to cuddle wit me?
[_] want to hook up with me?
are we....
[_] aquintences?
[_] friends?
[_] in a relationship?
[_] gonna have kids?
am i.....
[_] smart?
[_] cute?
[_] funny?
[_] cool?
[_] loveable?
[_] adorable?
[_] compassionate?
[_] annoying?
[_] great to be with?
[_] attractive?
[_] mean?
[_] odd?
have you ever.....
[_] thought about me?
[_] thought there might be an "us"?
[_] thought about hookin up with me?
[_] found yourself wanting a kiss from me?
[_] wished i were there?
[_] grabbed me?
[_] had a crush on me?
[_] idolized me?
[_] wanted my number?
[_] had a dream about me?
[_] been distracted by me?
are you.....
[_] happy you know me?
[_] mad at me?
[_] thinkin bout me?
yeah for the second time its here... well thats because no one did it. =[ shows how much people care.
what would you do if:
[1.) I committed suicide:]
[2.) I said I liked you:]
[3.) I kissed you:]
[4.) I lived next door to you:]
[5.) I started smoking:]
[6.) I stole something:]
[7.) I was hospitalized:]
[8.) I ran away from home:]
[9.) I got into a fight and you weren't there:]
What do you think of my...:
[1.) Personality:]
[2.) Eyes:]
[3.) Face:]
[4.) Hair:]
[5.) Clothes:]
[6.) Mannerisms:]
General stuff...:
[1.) Who are you?:]
[2.) Are we friends?:]
[3.) When and how did we meet?:]
[4.) How have I affected you?:]
[5.) What do you think of me?:]
[6.) What's the fondest memory you have of me?:]
[7.) How long do you think we will be friends or enemies?:]
[8.) Do you love me?:]
[9.) Have I ever hurt you?:]
[10.) Would you hug me?:]
[11.) Would you kiss me?:]
[12.) Would you make love to me? :]
[13.) Would you marry me?:]
[14.) Emotionally, what stands out?:]
[15.) Do you wish I was cooler?:]
[16.) On a scale of 1-10, how nice am I?:]
[17.) Give me a nickname and explain why you picked it. :]
[18.) Am I loveable?:]
[19.) How long have you known me?:]
[20.) Describe me in one word. :]
[21.) What was your first impression? :]
[22.) Do you still think that way about me now?:]
[23.) What do you think my weakness is?:]
[24.) Do you think I'll get married?:]
[25.) What about me makes you happy?:]
[26.) What about me makes you sad?:]
[27.) What reminds you of me?:]
[28.) What's something you would change about me :]
[29.) How well do you know me? :]
[30.) Ever wanted to tell me something but couldn't? :]
[31.) Do you think I would kill someone? :]
[32.) Are we close?:]
[33.) Are you going to put this on your journal and see what I say about you?:]
...Im happy.
He makes me so happy ... its unbelievable..
Blah, everything is effing great ,, right now..
garsh , i hoppppe it lasts XD!
WEE!!!
<33333
my entry before this says it all.
I just really dont see the point.
You know for living..
mean...
we're all born.. then we go through soo much pain and hurt and then we have some happy memories which serve no purpose...beca
so tell me please what is the point of working hard in school so you can grow up and get this great job and get all this money so you can be happy while everyone else suffers..and then you die...and everything you've worked for is gone.
Adn when you think about it...hell shouldn't be all to bad..just the version that these conspiracies they call "churches" draw up is this bad place where your soul goes after you die and you get endlessly tortured..but tell me how is that when you are only a soul and nothing more..and you have no human form...and you are dead, so there is nothing that satan can do to hurt you...i swear to you if there is even a such thing as hell and i go there..im going to just lay down. and there is nothing anyone can do about it..i have no body for them to poke and prod so how the hell are they going to stop me from resting?! i can put up with endless screaming and shouting. thats no big deal. so really i see no point in trying to be this wonderful great person who does good for everyone else and gets nothing in return when in the end your just going to die. and nothing else can happen to you...
DO YOU SEE MY POINT?!!?!
tell me...
what can anyone do to you once your dead? nothing.
So what is the point of building up this perfect life..when in the end your going to loose it..
you see if i had my way i would just not even live..consider
And another thing..
If god is this wonderful great perfect person or thing...then why the hell couldn't he create a perfect world... he is obviously flawed if he can create such a vial place and such vial evil creatures such as humans..
And HOW HYPOCRITICAL IS THIS:
"tho shalt not judge.. for tho will be judged"
WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT!?!?!!?!?! how can he sit there and tell us not to judge..when hes going to judge us... God has done absolutly nothing for me..and not one of my prayers has been answered in my 13 years of asking. I dont even think there is a god... i think that he is just something that someone created to try and make the world better.. and in their poor attempt just made things worse...giving people false hope and empty promises.. nothing worse. i swear to you.
I dont see the point in living...
if you see one.. please clue me in because i would like to know. besides friends.. what do i have?
life sux. i want joey soo bad.but he dumped me. i love him. alot. and no i am not just on a "joey hihg" as [betterdays813] puts it. i really do love him. considering all i think about constantly all day over and over is joey,what he looks like, how it would be if i dated him again, what i should have done when i was with him, what i would do right this time if he were to ask me out agian, i analyze every second i remember of going out with joey and what i did and should have, and i just basically think all about him all day everyday. and i have ever scine he dumped me. NO I AM NOT OBSESSED. its called love you idiots who think i am obsessed. LOVE.
wOW...I DON'T KNOW WHO I LIKE ANYMORE... i'm not even sure if i like anyone at this point...damn emotions suck..lmao...a
CONGRATS ROBBIE WITH YOUr BoOoOO Danielle! LMAO!