if im alone and roxxy wants me to be with ceci...and i want to...
then where is the pain coming from? Kayla? Really? Or just the state of being abandoned? Maybe im so bored and isolated i need to feel such a way....as to keep myself occupied.
roxxy says ceci is afraid i would screw her over.
and i know for a fact im afraid she would simply get bored and leave me...
isnt it funny how we all simply fear our past, or fear our future because of fear of the past?
if i normally spend so much time trying to cry, trying not to be the ultimate copings skills equipped emotional shell i am...than why am i suddenly trying not to cry?
why am i suddenly sounding all emo? God damn them for making human emotion look like some teen-pop-pheno
Kayla left me. It fucking HURT! But, i didnt want her to feel all guilty and shit, because thats how she is. she'd beat the hell out of herself. So, i remained supportive and junk, because i do want her to be happy. Never mind that every time i get off the phone with her i get that odd maggoty feeling in my sternum and tear wildly at my entire fucking torso, drawing blood to make some fucking imaginary sensation go away. God, i never wanted cutting to make this much sense. That, and i couldnt sleep again last night. Fuck, it's all coming back again. The depression, the insomnia, the slutiness, the being TOTALLY ignored. And the ever-so-consta
Oh well, shit happens, righ? (as in, steve righ?)
Well, what the fuck do i do now?
Will my current employment problems, i doubt i'll be able to get $3000 together by the time majras 18....so, my best friend will most likely shove off for London without me.
lifes just not working out for me at all.......
today, i realized i can stand up all by myself.
then i fell down.
then it occurs to me, i have things of relevence to myself to drone endlessly about.
i havent been able to get ahold of cecil in forever... wonder if she wants to talk to me? why is it so hard to get kayla to talk to me at all? does she want to? did she find someone else? did they both? interesting...
it frustrates me to no end that i cant meet people from this site unless i already knew them. like hannada. who moved away anyway. but shell be come back for a while. after all its summer.
i should talk to colby. i want my cds back. and a band.
i havent seen my mother since....two days before last christmas. hope she didnt relapse again. if they take paris away...itll be very hard to have a sister. what with jill living in montana. i havent seen jill in about three years.
im recording with matt in two to three weeks. good times.
when most of your friends are of the opposite sex, you may find yourself in a state of severe emotional confusion, one day. on the bright side, i found some people in this hick town i can tolerate. in some cases........t
NO ONE WANTS TO LET ME HAVE A JOB!!!! NO ONE!!!! WHAT THE FUCK??? if i dont have a job, i cant pay my insurance, therefore i have no LIFE, wich will make it exceedingly difficult to move the fuck OUT, wich is a PRIORITY. THE priority.
right, so i should fill this out then. WELL...summers here, kids. time for kj to sit around the house, moping around the internet and trying to be a better guitar player than joe satriani while simultaniously trying to be about as evil as voltaire. good luck.
im working for this nutty old guy up my street, cutting shit down. he reminds me very much of ed gien. how sweet. but he doesnt have people-skin furnature...so works not as exiting as it could be. I may become employed at our local hick-town marketplace. how fun. minimum wage for life. great. if there are any openings at the pizza place, im goona be all up in that shit. i would make an exellent pizza dude. i just have to ease off the godamn mufukin profanity. fuck.
today, i made a cake. its my little half-brothers birthday. the cake is blue, and has fishes on it. not my idea. fuckit, he likes cake, and i made him one. not bad for a broke ass.