my brain is sad.
eleanor rigby. i am eleanor rigby. keeping my face in a jar by the door. but who is it for?



   love,
lame

ive been watching dogma in french whilst playing guitar with effects that sound like a distorted set of church bells. and somehow, that got BORING.

i just want to post a random thought. but i stopped thinking.

im out of sanitizer.....

i am so lame.
but im over kayla.





i remembered that ive had a crush on ceci since sophmore year. before that, i just thought she was very attractive. but she was with ryan. so i ignored me, which i do a lot. this all proved to me that my current state of mind is not as spontanious as i thought. bored yet?
WHY ARE YOU READING THIS?

and then the windows failed
and then i could not see







im gonna call roxeanne.

lalalalalalalala
with your head in the air.....................
where is my mind
where is my mind oh where is my mind?
lalalalalalalalalalalalalalalala

am i loved?
she said she hates me. roxxy thought she was joking. was she?
how fucking FRAGILE can i be?

I have a sense of humor...but im not very funny. just ridiculously morbid. so morbid it makes me laugh. like wondershowzen.

why would kayla call me? ever?
im officially over her now. that sense of stability, of dependability...she took it with her. was it worth having to suppress my actual feelings? about emily, who is a total selfish conniving bitch? everyone refuses to believe this. in soite of the fact she consantly gave me shit, because i "stole her kayla". which gave her an excuse to beat me with a shoe. and constantly verbally remind me i wasnt good enough for her. as if shes so fucking wonderful. fucking her fucking ugly idiot boyfriend in morgans bed. trying to fuck a gay man because he made out with her fucking confused ass ugly idiot boyfriend once. Trying to fuck him WHILE i was talking to him. oh did i mention hes GAY? does that register? Now shes going to attempt to embark on her lesbian affair with kayla as well. and kayla remains oblivious, even though emily admits all of this, in a most conceeded, "whats the problem" sort of manner. My observations meant nothing. i was a total pushover for kayla. i tried. now i dont have to.
would ceci just let me go be me? or would she get sick of my dull, bitter ways like kayla did?

my face hurts.

shes adorable. she has these huge brown eyes that capture this haunted, desperate look.... shes fucking beutiful. i wonder if she knows?
she has a great laugh. she wanders from topic to topic impulsively in a manner that would make most crazy. i love it. she has this manic personality that i almost covet...
shes brilliant, in spontanious humor, in verbally articulating her reactions to...whatever, anything.

where are you taking me?

summers always suck. last summer, i was grounded through the whole damned thing as my girlfriend(aubrey) left me, fucked another guy and wrote to me about it. they used a blue condom, in his brothers bed. WHY DO I NEED TO KNOW THAT?
Do these people have no concept of the salt in the wound complex?
Anyway, this summers been EXCiting. first of all theres the boredom. the homework. i got dumped AGAIN. then theres my obnoxious, unrelenting, antagonistic parents. theres no pleasing them at all.
dad wanted to go on one of his little family fishing trips. i went, because i never go, and because not going makes me feel like some sort of loveless sociopath. i spent a whole day in the sun, hiding in shade and dousing myself in sunscreen. my face is all burned anyway. So my dads like, well that was a nice day off. were working tomorow. so im all burned, and he puts me in the sun for another five fucking hours, walking back and forth arbitrarily, because he likes to instruct me to do shit for the sake of me LOOKING helpful. and i go along with all of this. now my face is rotting off. so he decides were DOING IT AGAIN!!!! then i walk FIVE MILES IN THE SUN to a councling apointment, and FIVE MILES BACK! IM DEAD. all the skin on my face is fucking DEAD. it cracked and started bleeding. so i put a bunch of moisterizing revitalizing rejuvinating skin protected, burn treatment everything i could find on my face, whilst drinking shitloads of water to promote healing. im doing alright now. just need to shed a few surface layers. quite unattractive.
on top of all of this, the weedeater at my job broke, so i cant work so i cant pay my parents not to bitch at me about what a terrible, lazy human i am. then the weedeater at home breaks, so i cant work off my parents that way. then im mowing, and THAT breaks the fuck down. then the bathroom FLOODS. i still cant get a real job. i dont get my lisence till november, so im stuck here.
I dreamed about ceci last night. its official. i have actual feelings for her. at least i have that emotion. that and the stupid, unrelenting bipolar moods swings ive had since i was like nine.
i want to see her. but believe me, no one wants to se me right now. or maybe i have a complex and its not as bad as i think?
im afraid to call her. i dont know why.
she has my numbers...if she wanted to talk to me shed call right?
but no one calls.
ever.

am i hungry? tired? i dont know. i keep staying up till two, then dad gets me up at seven so i can perform menial tasks.

its not nearly the amount of sleep deprivation i used to put myself through. but its making me crazy anyway, when compiled with all that other shit. this is my last summer off. is that a good thing?
does my life suck? i cant even tell.

if im alone and roxxy wants me to be with ceci...and i want to...
then where is the pain coming from? Kayla? Really? Or just the state of being abandoned? Maybe im so bored and isolated i need to feel such a way....as to keep myself occupied.
roxxy says ceci is afraid i would screw her over.
and i know for a fact im afraid she would simply get bored and leave me...
isnt it funny how we all simply fear our past, or fear our future because of fear of the past?
if i normally spend so much time trying to cry, trying not to be the ultimate copings skills equipped emotional shell i am...than why am i suddenly trying not to cry?
why am i suddenly sounding all emo? God damn them for making human emotion look like some teen-pop-phenomenon.

Kayla left me. It fucking HURT! But, i didnt want her to feel all guilty and shit, because thats how she is. she'd beat the hell out of herself. So, i remained supportive and junk, because i do want her to be happy. Never mind that every time i get off the phone with her i get that odd maggoty feeling in my sternum and tear wildly at my entire fucking torso, drawing blood to make some fucking imaginary sensation go away. God, i never wanted cutting to make this much sense. That, and i couldnt sleep again last night. Fuck, it's all coming back again. The depression, the insomnia, the slutiness, the being TOTALLY ignored. And the ever-so-constant isolation.
Oh well, shit happens, righ? (as in, steve righ?)
Well, what the fuck do i do now?
Will my current employment problems, i doubt i'll be able to get $3000 together by the time majras 18....so, my best friend will most likely shove off for London without me.
lifes just not working out for me at all.......

today, i realized i can stand up all by myself.
then i fell down.

then it occurs to me, i have things of relevence to myself to drone endlessly about.
i havent been able to get ahold of cecil in forever... wonder if she wants to talk to me? why is it so hard to get kayla to talk to me at all? does she want to? did she find someone else? did they both? interesting...
it frustrates me to no end that i cant meet people from this site unless i already knew them. like hannada. who moved away anyway. but shell be come back for a while. after all its summer.
i should talk to colby. i want my cds back. and a band.
i havent seen my mother since....two days before last christmas. hope she didnt relapse again. if they take paris away...itll be very hard to have a sister. what with jill living in montana. i havent seen jill in about three years.
im recording with matt in two to three weeks. good times.

when most of your friends are of the opposite sex, you may find yourself in a state of severe emotional confusion, one day. on the bright side, i found some people in this hick town i can tolerate. in some cases........tolerate is more than an understatement.

NO ONE WANTS TO LET ME HAVE A JOB!!!! NO ONE!!!! WHAT THE FUCK??? if i dont have a job, i cant pay my insurance, therefore i have no LIFE, wich will make it exceedingly difficult to move the fuck OUT, wich is a PRIORITY. THE priority.

right, so i should fill this out then. WELL...summers here, kids. time for kj to sit around the house, moping around the internet and trying to be a better guitar player than joe satriani while simultaniously trying to be about as evil as voltaire. good luck.
im working for this nutty old guy up my street, cutting shit down. he reminds me very much of ed gien. how sweet. but he doesnt have people-skin furnature...so works not as exiting as it could be. I may become employed at our local hick-town marketplace. how fun. minimum wage for life. great. if there are any openings at the pizza place, im goona be all up in that shit. i would make an exellent pizza dude. i just have to ease off the godamn mufukin profanity. fuck.
today, i made a cake. its my little half-brothers birthday. the cake is blue, and has fishes on it. not my idea. fuckit, he likes cake, and i made him one. not bad for a broke ass.