what do you want from me?
seriously?
answer me please!

my but isnt that f word popular.
fuck fuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfcukfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckimdonenow. (one of those is a fcuk! can you find it? its a game!)

fuck i lied.

by the way, matt has a girlfriend he can barely stand and a soulmate who....is a little...promiscouis?
i bit her. hard. teach her. heck yes i did. hit on me........what was up with her?

so now i cant fall asleep. 4:45 pm
so, i shall talk about the fun times. we didnt sleep. now i cant. this morning, i was really not hungry, as my digestive system is......sub-par. so matts mom, who is absolutely sociopathic and the purest form of evil i have ever born witness to, decided to give me a huge guilt trip over the fact i wasnt hungry. so i ate her greasy food. then we left. then i puked my brains out, just like i knew i would. so did matt. goddamn nodoze. tyler didnt. that jerk. so we drove around sacramento. and i got to wear this black blues-brothers lookin ska-hat. its super cool, cuz it helps keep the vicious sun off my few remaining layers of skin (im running out FAST)
tyler drove surprizingly well. thank god for that. he was fairly useless in creating music, though. and due to the combination of forced sleep deprivation, weed, and caffiene, both completely swore off drug use. hahaha.....im super!
now i listen to norma jean!
i hope voltaire loads up soon. i wish to take him home.
its hard to type right now. i totally just lost the space bar! i found it. editting comences.

im really tired now. maybe i can sleep now? doubt it. matts psyco girlfriend keeps calling. she almost overdosed on vicadin last night. and somehow it was my job to inform her as to what she should do. she doesnt remember any of it. she fine now.

fuck. fuckcuck.
uk.
k.
matt came close to freaking out at me for hitting on this girl he likes...but i wasnt.......so.....he was cool. its funny how well we communicate. theres no questions. i simply dont lie to him.

funny....aquarius is known for having many friends, but no close ones. even matt seems really distant from me. none of this is a decision on my part. im very dedicated to people i care about. but....it doesnt appear to be mutual in most cases. maybe someday........i dont know. i love real relationships. i guess thats why i come on so strong. i try to put my worst traits foreword. as a sort of....earnest..ness. i guess. this is what makes me a whore when im single. the fact that im desperate for closeness with anyone. even my own family are fucking emotionally distant as fuck. im not fucked up or crazy. im human. fuck off.
matts not blowing off boy scouts for athena. the spine is stating to show. or...grow?
who...knows? hm? clever, no?

take care now. whoever the fuck yore bored ass may be. maybe i love you. you should know by now.

3:15 pm.
oh my god im too old for this. bed time. i have a hat!

5:01
i found the power cord.
they had a discussion about how good it is to take time out of your day to tell people what you really think of them. too bad my oppinions are so fucked up...id scare people.
these two are lazy and overbearing when stoned.
they remind me of my parents. only they speak english better.
were going outside now. its 68 degrees outside.
perhyaps i shall continue upon my return.......
maybe ill fall in the pool and drown? that would be a gorgeous conclusion.....drowning under starlight....

4:23 am
no sleep. fuck sleep. no fucking website has a tab for norma jeans bayonetwork. maybe t will figure it out tommorrow...along with every voltaire song i can stand. maybe. i need to learn all of this....ohhhhhh, god i will. zelda is flying around all over the wall....its fucking crazt. we watched bride of the gorilla sivided into three parts by the union of two wall with the cieling into a perfectly square corner...it gave it an unreal depth........too bad i didnt get high.
i want to peel my face off....its bugging the shit out of me. SOMETHING must be done! i can smell the fucking oils on my skin...upper lip, y'know.
now running on reserve battery power.....'xeane, cec', (i love misplaced abbreviations) love you both so much......wish you were all here.

im in cameron park, hanging out with my best friend and his friend tyler. theyre hella inyo the local artrock scene. tylers teachin me guitar all verbal style. i gotta learn more.....im feelin it. theys both stoned...i laid off. maybe tommorow. thinking about ceci. big fuckin suprise; im obsessive and shes fucking perfect. i hope to god and anything else she bears with me.
its like 2am....we hooked up the n64 to a projecter,and pointed it at the corner of the room, so it streaks down the wall. it looks fuckin sick!
its about time i had a real vacation this summer. recording tommorow. is gonna kick ass, it is. we watched buuba hotep. bruce cambell still kicks arse.

is gonna play geetar now. BYEEEEE!!!!!!!

im in cameron park, hanging out with my best friend and his friend tyler. theyre hella inyo the local artrock scene. tylers teachin me guitar all verbal style. i gotta learn more.....im feelin it. theys both stoned...i laid off. maybe tommorow. thinking about ceci. big fuckin suprise; im obsessive and shes fucking perfect. i hope to god and anything else she bears with me.
its like 2am....we hooked up the n64 to a projecter,and pointed it at the corner of the room, so it streaks down the wall. it looks fuckin sick!
its about time i had a real vacation this summer. recording tommorow. is gonna kick ass, it is. we watched buuba hotep. bruce cambell still kicks arse.

is gonna play geetar now. BYEEEEE!!!!!!!

I have a new addiction.
showers with the water temp turned all the way down.
it distracts you from yourself. your entire existance becomes that freaked out animal survival instinct. you breathe hard uncontrollably.

remember that x-files when that guy wished his brother back to life, but his brother was all undead so he couldnt generate body heat, so he shivered really bad and blew the house up trying to heat it with the gas stove?

remember?

dogs die in hot cars. ive had 'i love you cause i have to' stuck in my head. am i pathetic? please tell me.......

my brain is sad.
eleanor rigby. i am eleanor rigby. keeping my face in a jar by the door. but who is it for?



   love,
lame

ive been watching dogma in french whilst playing guitar with effects that sound like a distorted set of church bells. and somehow, that got BORING.

i just want to post a random thought. but i stopped thinking.

im out of sanitizer.....

i am so lame.
but im over kayla.





i remembered that ive had a crush on ceci since sophmore year. before that, i just thought she was very attractive. but she was with ryan. so i ignored me, which i do a lot. this all proved to me that my current state of mind is not as spontanious as i thought. bored yet?
WHY ARE YOU READING THIS?

and then the windows failed
and then i could not see







im gonna call roxeanne.

lalalalalalalala
with your head in the air.....................
where is my mind
where is my mind oh where is my mind?
lalalalalalalalalalalalalalalala

am i loved?
she said she hates me. roxxy thought she was joking. was she?
how fucking FRAGILE can i be?

I have a sense of humor...but im not very funny. just ridiculously morbid. so morbid it makes me laugh. like wondershowzen.

why would kayla call me? ever?
im officially over her now. that sense of stability, of dependability...she took it with her. was it worth having to suppress my actual feelings? about emily, who is a total selfish conniving bitch? everyone refuses to believe this. in soite of the fact she consantly gave me shit, because i "stole her kayla". which gave her an excuse to beat me with a shoe. and constantly verbally remind me i wasnt good enough for her. as if shes so fucking wonderful. fucking her fucking ugly idiot boyfriend in morgans bed. trying to fuck a gay man because he made out with her fucking confused ass ugly idiot boyfriend once. Trying to fuck him WHILE i was talking to him. oh did i mention hes GAY? does that register? Now shes going to attempt to embark on her lesbian affair with kayla as well. and kayla remains oblivious, even though emily admits all of this, in a most conceeded, "whats the problem" sort of manner. My observations meant nothing. i was a total pushover for kayla. i tried. now i dont have to.
would ceci just let me go be me? or would she get sick of my dull, bitter ways like kayla did?

my face hurts.

shes adorable. she has these huge brown eyes that capture this haunted, desperate look.... shes fucking beutiful. i wonder if she knows?
she has a great laugh. she wanders from topic to topic impulsively in a manner that would make most crazy. i love it. she has this manic personality that i almost covet...
shes brilliant, in spontanious humor, in verbally articulating her reactions to...whatever, anything.

where are you taking me?

summers always suck. last summer, i was grounded through the whole damned thing as my girlfriend(aubrey) left me, fucked another guy and wrote to me about it. they used a blue condom, in his brothers bed. WHY DO I NEED TO KNOW THAT?
Do these people have no concept of the salt in the wound complex?
Anyway, this summers been EXCiting. first of all theres the boredom. the homework. i got dumped AGAIN. then theres my obnoxious, unrelenting, antagonistic parents. theres no pleasing them at all.
dad wanted to go on one of his little family fishing trips. i went, because i never go, and because not going makes me feel like some sort of loveless sociopath. i spent a whole day in the sun, hiding in shade and dousing myself in sunscreen. my face is all burned anyway. So my dads like, well that was a nice day off. were working tomorow. so im all burned, and he puts me in the sun for another five fucking hours, walking back and forth arbitrarily, because he likes to instruct me to do shit for the sake of me LOOKING helpful. and i go along with all of this. now my face is rotting off. so he decides were DOING IT AGAIN!!!! then i walk FIVE MILES IN THE SUN to a councling apointment, and FIVE MILES BACK! IM DEAD. all the skin on my face is fucking DEAD. it cracked and started bleeding. so i put a bunch of moisterizing revitalizing rejuvinating skin protected, burn treatment everything i could find on my face, whilst drinking shitloads of water to promote healing. im doing alright now. just need to shed a few surface layers. quite unattractive.
on top of all of this, the weedeater at my job broke, so i cant work so i cant pay my parents not to bitch at me about what a terrible, lazy human i am. then the weedeater at home breaks, so i cant work off my parents that way. then im mowing, and THAT breaks the fuck down. then the bathroom FLOODS. i still cant get a real job. i dont get my lisence till november, so im stuck here.
I dreamed about ceci last night. its official. i have actual feelings for her. at least i have that emotion. that and the stupid, unrelenting bipolar moods swings ive had since i was like nine.
i want to see her. but believe me, no one wants to se me right now. or maybe i have a complex and its not as bad as i think?
im afraid to call her. i dont know why.
she has my numbers...if she wanted to talk to me shed call right?
but no one calls.
ever.

am i hungry? tired? i dont know. i keep staying up till two, then dad gets me up at seven so i can perform menial tasks.

its not nearly the amount of sleep deprivation i used to put myself through. but its making me crazy anyway, when compiled with all that other shit. this is my last summer off. is that a good thing?
does my life suck? i cant even tell.

if im alone and roxxy wants me to be with ceci...and i want to...
then where is the pain coming from? Kayla? Really? Or just the state of being abandoned? Maybe im so bored and isolated i need to feel such a way....as to keep myself occupied.
roxxy says ceci is afraid i would screw her over.
and i know for a fact im afraid she would simply get bored and leave me...
isnt it funny how we all simply fear our past, or fear our future because of fear of the past?
if i normally spend so much time trying to cry, trying not to be the ultimate copings skills equipped emotional shell i am...than why am i suddenly trying not to cry?
why am i suddenly sounding all emo? God damn them for making human emotion look like some teen-pop-phenomenon.

Kayla left me. It fucking HURT! But, i didnt want her to feel all guilty and shit, because thats how she is. she'd beat the hell out of herself. So, i remained supportive and junk, because i do want her to be happy. Never mind that every time i get off the phone with her i get that odd maggoty feeling in my sternum and tear wildly at my entire fucking torso, drawing blood to make some fucking imaginary sensation go away. God, i never wanted cutting to make this much sense. That, and i couldnt sleep again last night. Fuck, it's all coming back again. The depression, the insomnia, the slutiness, the being TOTALLY ignored. And the ever-so-constant isolation.
Oh well, shit happens, righ? (as in, steve righ?)
Well, what the fuck do i do now?
Will my current employment problems, i doubt i'll be able to get $3000 together by the time majras 18....so, my best friend will most likely shove off for London without me.
lifes just not working out for me at all.......

today, i realized i can stand up all by myself.
then i fell down.