i am SO happy!
but i have work now.
i miss cecilia!
why would anyone read this?

i will set my shoes aflame.....

okay, so im a selfish overbearing whore. its true kids.

i totally miss hannah. or maybe just having a social life. shes one of those ones i just connect with. her continued absence festers in my mind. oh, the times we could have had....she would be my perfect concert buddy. exept for hardcore shows.....i fear she would fear. oh well.


i need to take my lisence for granted. with cecilia.
i
love
her.
OH sweet flaming christ.

today, she was WAY mad. or mean. or something. i was totally like, "fuck, thats the end of it. she's totally sick of me now."
but it werent so. i dont think.
oh. that would suck.
if i got dumped, id have to make another drastic change in my plans for the future, which are more or less always a compensation with someone elses.

how drastic i wonder? i fear.

okay, so being bipolar sucks. im totally just laughing at how ludacris my last entry was. its funny, cuz i understand having felt all of it but its like over, but itll come back. it always does/ive got the scars to prove it.

i guess this is a good time to apologize to everyone who cares enough to read this..........

sorry

that being said, i watched devils rejects. and was stunned and in awe, so i watched it again. mmmmmmmmmclown sex.
i think HOUSE was much more my style, but i completely appreciated the different vibe of this movie. The whole thing had sort of a karma feel to it. its like how in house you KNOW NO ONE will survive. then in rejects, suddenly the fireflys have no edge. theyre on the run, like in grand theft auto how you shoot one cop and youre fucked unless you cheat. and in the end the protagonist becomes a sick bastard of an antagonist just like all the other antagonists, then dies. then the rest of the sick bastard antagonists die. its sort of nihlistic, i guess, but nihlism is such an empty state of mind.
i like the pretty lights.
house had more pretty lights. i think i liked it better.
but i like those gritty desperado standoff type moments in both movies. like when the first wydell is on his knees with a gun pointed straight between his eyes for like FIVE MINUTES and the screen just sort of pans out and the tension builds like a motherfucker and you wait and wait and wait and otis just stands there with his finger on the trigger and his recieding hairline mullet hair blows in the wind and you wait and the screen pans out more and then suddenly theres one quick hollow gunshot, wydell falls backward, and thats ALL. that was absolutely one of the best scenes of all time.
yeah. im gonna buy house. i love that shit. but the soundtrack to rejects was great. house had a lot of screeching white zombie style shit, and rejects was all fucking chill-ass southern rock. fucking trip.

yeah. i love ceci. i havent seen her in lets see todays saterday, i saw her tuesday, so thats fuck me im tired four days and i wont see her until goddamned monday fuck this SUCKS.
ten bucks says shes over me next time i see her.
fuck, i told you itd happen again.

i was lonely, then i realized i cant stand people.
why would a complete stranger a million miles away converse with me because shes horny?
im sick of people either reminding me that i cant have anything to do with them, or depressing me with their misery or depressing me with their happiness..............
im tired of torturing myself using ceci. i love her so much........
its ridiculous that my own self hatred uses her against me
im always thinking, 'yeah, shes gonna leave me for that guy over there. or josh. or the other josh. or that retarded tommy kid or that angel dude she dated when she was i dont know like five or that elijah man or fucking CAT shes probably having a fat orgy with them all right now cuz she HATES you, she even said so, so i must be right, so you can just DIE right now, cuz youre making everyone you know misereable.
kaylas in love with jesii now. he's a fucking selfish disgusting amoral pig moron, and she dumped you and shes in love with HIM WAHAT DOES THAT SAY ABOUT YOU? SERIUOSLY?!'
the logical conclusion obviously is that i suck.
im tired of roxxy reminding me of my humanity when i feel i need it least. im tired of being shoved into walls. next time ill just stay down. im tired of work, school, home, driving, riding the bus, getting loaded, all of it.

i know for a fact that the world is a better place without me. and i feel like shit.
so how gloriously perfect would it be
if i overdosed on E?
thompson says every time you do e you get a quarter size hole in your brain.
i wonder if i could make the whole fuckin thing just........disapear?

fuck thanksgiving.
fuck christmas.
fuck tweakers.
fuck it all.

maybe i should sleep on it
after cutting some kj up

and drinking some tea and taking a shower.

in love with THIS? honestly?

its a pity you can only curb my mood swings when youre with me. i guess im higher maintanence than aubrey thought.
id try talking to her
but i know goddamn well id just feel like shit afterward.
i need a levelheaded human right now.
i miss hannah.

once again
i
am
starving.

i like my coffe black
just like my metal


urine
                    i want your babies




not really         
        but we could make out a little

ODD.
colby used to be the sweet quiet one. now he's a fucking fried-brained stoned kid, and he's getting mean in his age.
its funny. i used to be the 'drugged out lunatic' (lol) of the group. now they just give me shit for wearing eyeliner.
i guess infalts all 'goth' now. listening to fuckin slipknot and shit. i hate that band. oh well. colby told me not to turn emo and i laughed in his face. im like "is cradle of filth emo?"
and at the same time im like, "i hated emo when all emo was was fuckin sunny day real estate."
i liked infalt. fuckin kid needs to come back.
fuck peoples oppinions. and mine. we all dictate each other a bit much.

work sucks. drivings cool. ceci is amazing.
maybe i'll get a decent amp soon...maybe not....

i am starving.

sometimes i throw up uncontrollably for no reason.

someday someday somethings gonna kill me
someday someday someone gotta fuck me
someday someday youre gonna die in front of me
someday someday youre mom will shave her mustache
ill fucking kill you.

ceci please kill me...........

MUSHROOMS MAKE YOUR FUCKIN HEAD HURT! FUCK!
i hate when the fun parts over and physical pain lingers

right. so life is sublime. having ceci completely curbs my dumbass mood swings, at the price of the occasional hearty regurgitation of all the lil scraps of edible whatever i can mooch off of anyone with the wealth or parental support to sustain themself. she introduced me to tacos and ketchup today. it was very good, revolting as it sounds. but there are many things ill eat that she wont, so my logic of course is ' fuck, if SHES doing it..."
you know, so on.
never a condom when you need one. then it starts raining and a nearby voice yells "You cant pass on the hill!" and we hide further in the bushes and analize the scenery like fuckin cats. then i act like a total fag and get a ride home from her mother. and act like a fag some more. ect.
but im happy. thoughrally and utterly happy.
until it occurs to me that the love of my life is a walking self destruct sequence. then i really want to cry. or just fix everything. but shes really not mine to fix. i can just hold her when she shows up to school completely wasted and still begging for more alcohol, like shes still trying to escape something. i can stand there when she pushes me away so she can try to get methadone from that asshole who shows up at my work just to give me shit (i want to beat the living shit out of that prick every time he speaks).
then shes great for a couple days and we discuss food and movies and music and i trick her into waltzing with me, then we do a spin, then a dip. and i stare at thoughs eyes for as long as i can before one of us has somewhere to go. or our collective sex drive overcomes our collective logic and suddenly we're frustrated with everything around us. fuck school.
i love her face her body her mind that fucking pure smile the fucking gorgeous eyes the manerisms, the stance the walk the history the voice the way shell have that one little lock of hair that stands on end. i love when she says my name, or holds me or looks at me with anything but disgust.plus she coined the phrase "that rocks shit out of bananas."

i am enamoured. and horribly parasetic. i dont want to let go ever. even after she gets bored with my wierd face and constant plentiful lack of wit and stupid meaningless mom jokes. but i wont have that option. itll have to just be another 'farewell.' cuz god knows shell never want to look at me or speak to me anymore. healthy i guess.

every relationship i have with anyone else seems to be arbitrarily complicated.
i cant condone nor encourage anything anymore. I finally realized how many people have completely given up on me. i hate it. i do everything a human can possibly do to solve everyone elses problems. exept roxxy. its like "fuck you you male fuck, you cant help me you ruined my life go to hell." which is grounding. im useless, its true. i mooch food and money constantly cuz my money is all put in savings cuz my dads controlling as fuck yet still totally distant. not that i blame roxxy when shes mad at me. something about me has ruined every relationship ive ever had, save a select few who come and go because im only tollerable in INCREMENTS. the only person i can honestly say has never not been there is victoria. and look at the shit i put her through. maybe im off trying to save lives because i dont have one of my own. i dont exist right now, really. exept to ceci and the crackheads i fucking bag for. thats about it. victoria is still there too. always. why? if i asked her to marry me, shed do it. and how stupid is that? look at my track record, man! there are at least fify fucking people who could not stand to be around me on a day to day basis, and i dont fuckin even know why! what the fuck happened? whatever it was, it happened right after aubrey dumped me. and continued right on through desi. then kayla. and itll still be there when ceci realizes she fucking hates my guts. and let me tell you, that ones going to HURT. because this isnt one of those 'me trying to pursue what normal folks would do just so i can be happy' relationships. i am totally in love with this girl. it sounds stupid, overdone. id die for her in a heartbeat. id part my hair funny. id do a stupid little dance. id take sixteen coricidin and puke my brains out and be a total crack addict whackass for the rest of my short life.
those few hapy moments in between class, when i manage to say something intelligable, or accidently bounce a bottle off a girls face and into a trash can, and she does that hushed laugh, like shes embarassed to just be hysterical(= like a retard on meth.) its adorable. then she does that very real rare laugh, like when corgan licks her face, or when im on the phone and fall off the bed.
but in general, i think she fucking hates me. the fact i have almost no freedom to break thr rules because the school keeps heavy tabs on my attendence cuz my dads paranoid and will dislocate my shoulder handcuff me and spray mace in my eye if i 'fuck up.' or shove me onto the gravel when i try to run away. and its not like hes even actually abusive, i just cant DO anything i want to. somehow im a burden simply by existing. like athena at the system of a down show. but im all aquarius and shit so i hold on to her and try to make sure no one smothers her little midget ass.
yeah.

im quite sure the world will be a better place without me. so one of you better do it, cuz i dont want to. suicide is gay. id rather just get myself killed rather than kill myself.

im fucking dying.
i do get to stare at ceci between periods. which is good. roxxy absolutely hates me. which makes ceci try to hate me. i dont want people to be mad at me. or each other. but theres nothing i can do about any of it. nothing. i cant even die and fix everything like the directors cut ending of the butterfly effect. (i hate ashton kutcher)
why begin with the end in mind? why end? i refuse.
which means i'll be abandoned again, worse than ever. maybe. if it werent for that shining glimmer of hope, that legend about the happily ever after being something real.
i want that. or to end somewhat positively by being stabbed thirty six imes for no real reason. but i wont get that.

alas. woe is my ass.

te quiero

i wonder if im schizomotherfuckingphrenic
ive yet to see the aliens.
mom used to see the aliens.

oh

damn

i love her. im.....freaking out.

i liked kayla.
i liked desi.
i loved aubrey

and i love ceci more than that.
more. its ridiculous.
with aubrey, i was like, thiniking about her constantly.

its worse with this one. better?
whatever. more severe.
she

pretends to be mad at me and its

absolutely devastating.

and i know shes joking, but im such a wuss..........

fuck.

so anyways, i just walked five miles to work, did an eight hour shift, then walked back home in the dark in the middle of the fuckin woods.

cecil, i fucking love you.
hope you can stand me some day.

i have no computer after tomorrow.

so......uh......yeah. this concludes our broadcast day.

so anyways, i just walked five miles to work, did an eight hour shift, then walked back home in the dark in the middle of the fuckin woods.

cecil, i fucking love you.
hope you can stand me some day.

i have no computer after tomorrow.

so......uh......yeah. this concludes our broadcast day.