so, it appears, as my father has presented the situation, that i have chosen to accept cecilia, thereby accepting her decisions as to her lifestyle. therefore, i have decided to suffer for pleasure. the pleasure of the compatability of another human being to myself, and their presence in my existance.
i have the benefits of her presence, of conversation ludacris to all passerby yet more meaningful to me than the words exchanged between myself and anyone i have exchanged words with on any attempted level of profoundity.
i have,albeit not for the time being, the benefits of her physical presence, the euphoric buzz of being absolutely, invincibly in love with one person, of being able to press my lips against hers, move my arms around her hips, to physically inebriate myself with every aspect of her body.
all i have to do is risk her self destuction. her temporary absence pains me. word of the bruises on her causes me to wince and my insides churn in hatred for anyone who would harm the most perfect, most human entity i can concieve.
and i risk her total destruction of herself.
its like......hearing from a doctor you have some flesh eating disease in your sternum, even moreso because there is the overwhelming sensation that this girl is somehow...the rest of me. i would not spend a moment of my life with her out of arms reach, given the choice.
my adoration is absolute.
and for now, i am suffering.
i can only hope for the best, leave her to her decisions, lending her my oppinion, not daring to opress her or restrain her.
and hoping that she doesnt somehow descend from a balcony in an inebriated state, falling into an injury that could potentialy kill her, having some form of authority come to take her, only to fester the situation when she resists.

and i feel her floating away, even as i type away like the impractical, quasifunctional, arbitrarily introspective primate i am in my current intoxicated state.

i hope to god i can keep her.

This whole thing makes my insides hurt. appearently they shipped ceci to juvie. she met my dad, who's...dissapointed...in my taste for women. he doesnt seem to not like her, just bitches about her having fucked priorities, kind of like the way he talks to me about...me. she should see the nurse and won't
(i dont know that and niether do you)
and i might get to have her back a little. next week.
hope she's still mine.
cuz ive been sensing a little distance lately.

so the love of my life (formerly known as the girl of my dreams) got drunk and jumped off her roof. her brother said she was tied down fighting and taken to a mental institution.
then theres that thing about her having a hard-on for a drug-dealer named jake. roxy has the acute ability to tell me things i shouldn't hear.
appearently this all stems from the fact i didn't call her yesterday. it looks like she called me while i was at work. my guess is that my parents picked up, said theyd take a message, and, uh, didnt.
so, of course, it is my nature to blame myself.

matt says everything is going to be okay.
im going to trust him and make it my number one priority not to kill myself.

thanks for reading

i almost died. no one cares. nor do i.

okay, so im driving home, its late, and i roll my window down to asist my poor defroster. i hear a sound like a cross between bells jingling and a chain rattling. and then i have the reoccuring hallucination of a completely white, white clad, hunched over man with black eyes and a chilling grin on the side of the road. he's also about fifteen feet tall and swinging what appears to be a white pendulum.
and i think to myself, 'oh, the sleep dep is starting to take its toll. well, id better get home and finish my essay.'

and here i am. wasting time and trying to ignore a relentless, terrifying paranoia.

im not even kidding.

heres what i'm thinking. the government is having problems with illegal immigrants crossing the mexican border to the u.s.a
my thoughts: annex mexico. mexico is a hole no one WANTS to live in except rich drug dealers and rich white people who buy vacation houses there (POOR PEOPLE SUFFER AND WANT SOMETHING ELSE). annexation of the place would lift the mexican people out of povery, erase half of illegal immigration, and stimulate the economy for both hot spots, the south would be FUCKED because poor racist white trash assholes would be up to their ASSES in middle-upper-class latino capitalists, ect.
this makes more sense to me than sending people to iraq to "fight terrorism"( when all we realy need to do is ask the right questions to that 9/11 prick they keep showing on the news/ questions asked with an angry dogs jaws a few inches from his face whenever there is an obvious withholding of information <this man is well acquainted with just about every terrorist outfit in the middle east, knows a lot, we're gonna put him on death row so he gets free room, board, outside time and CABLE whilst american troops rampage through civillian homes finding NOTHING>)
so by the way why are we in iraq anyway? there is no documentation of any sort of relation between osama and sadam AT ALL, there are NO weapons of mass destruction, there is only LOTS of pissed off muslims who will remain angry untill we get our heavily armed invasive anglo-christian asses out of there homes. at this point we might as well finish the job, but i for one have slapped my forehead real good and hard.
anyway, if mexico were to be annexed, the mexican people would most likely gladly join the military at the recruiters coaxing, such as the sharing of educational and financial opportunities.
there would be a small civil dispute, but seriously, the mexican government is a weak, ill-equiped joke, and i'm sure the word 'revolution' would ring real good and loud in the streets of people who would like to see their children into a better future.
im no great civil genious or anything, but i would LOVE to see the americas unified. i feel we have no buisiness in the middle east. i think we need to take care of shit in our own hemisphere, and offer south american peoples at least the opportunity to collectively accept something better.
unrealistic, yes. but fuck, i'm LIT UP.







pat babcock is a moron.

so last night i had a dream that kayla lived somewhere in san fran. and i was at her house and it was awkward. and somehow i ended up bawling my eyes out and just asking why?
and she kissed me and tells me i wasnt actually interested in her.
and i hurt. and i leave. but i dont know how to get to my house from san fran. so i got lost.

then i woke up with joan talking shit about me on the phone. and i realized i hate them all. im leaving in 8 weeks. and i will do as i please. which is to say, i please to do cecilia. because i love her infinately, because she fits me like the perfect prom dress. she is like the left arm i never had. like the rest of me. the intellegent half with the work ethic and the looks.

and this very moment i am alone. and it hurts.

so i read cecis diary. and i throb in my lil hatian heart.

and i wonder how can it be she sees me this way?

and i remember that one goth girl at the show in placerville staring at me like i was the only other person on the planet. that girl had hungry eyes.
and all the time im thinking 'Why me'?
and she kisses my window and im never going to see her again.

like anyone else i meet at a show.

my mood was all upand down and back again in cycles all day.
im just...confused.
so i had a few schizo laughing fits, threw some stuff, dusted some people off....... and drew some peacocks.

speaking of birds, i need to do ye olde allmusic check on red sparrows.

okay so i slept three hours last night. cecis gone.
im.......like a leech on anyone who wants to put up with me.

i had babcock for eighty minutes today. she's pro-life(anti-logic), tried to justify the japanese internment camps, and doesn't actually know shit about history.


i argued with her a lot.
she talks endlessly, saying nothing.
i was so pissed off by the end of the period i was shaking in the hallway.
i want to crush her stupid HEAD.

i compulsively ate five bags of skittles.

i was very alone today. i hung out with victoria and sierra, sitting between them in the fetal position and freaking out on sleep dep. i was looking around hella paranoid style.

i miss having good days.

there was drama as the halls were evacuated. ceci was pissed at me.
i decided im lame. she decided shes leaving.

and now im going to be by myself.
all the time.

i lose!

buckethead threw toys at me!
and did crazy nun-chaku action!
and robot dances!
and he has a much better command of his carpals und phillanges then has i.
im gonna go practice for like eight hours, now.

so today started with 80 minutes of listening to highschool retards argue abou assisted suicide and abortion. then it REALLY kicked off when my girlfriend screamed at me and flipped me off about an inch from my face.
then she tore some shit up. then i had to talk her out of depression. school was long and tedious.
then i went home, did homework for four hours, got yelled at by my parents.

the end.

i a confession to make. yesterday was my 43rd birthday.
my name is actually margaret clementine adam. my frinds called me marge until i put rat poison in their lemonaide.
quincy had tea. with rat poison.
i live in a trailer in georgia.
i pay rent my considerably small property from an elderly bible salesman named arnold p. wedgewick, who has recently started as a cachier at a the local winn-dixie.
i pay the rent by producing crude daterape drugs in my basement out of household cleaners and childrens tylenol.
i sell them to sexually frustrated local fratboys for a ridiculous price, usually anywhere from 5 cents two 300 bucks.
i love to knit cozys for my kitties, all eighty six of them.
im no good with names, so i just call them all quincy. tea drinking bastard, fuckin greedy asshole.......
my body wight is composed almost entirely from gaudy plastic imitation art neuvou jewelery.
and i live off of human feces.
i can also oraly copulate my own penis, which curves slightly to the right, which is rare if you look into it.
however, i pee sitting down. and i like to whistle a little when i do it.

i am the loneliest human on the planet. just ask god.
he lives in my hair.

i havent done this in a great while.
i been working the late shift about two weeks in a rwo.
so im up till like 1:00.
then my loud as parents get up about three and a half hours later, and wake me up.
so ive been exhausted to all fuck all week. and ive had very little time for homework, so my grades faltered.
but i turned eighteen this week. i invited a bunch of people over on a weekend per my parents request to DO something for my birthday, and absolutely none of them could make it.
so i was like fuck it and i talked to ceci on the phone and ate pizza and rented house of 1000 corpses.
then i worked some more the next day.
later that week the actual day came. i was fucking hella tired, cuz i had zero sleep, went to school for six hours, did math for two and then had a closing shift.
that night my parents grounded me because of my grades.
which they were able to, because my car isnt in my name, the phones arent mine, and GODDAMNIT i still live here.

i am SO happy!
but i have work now.
i miss cecilia!
why would anyone read this?

i will set my shoes aflame.....

okay, so im a selfish overbearing whore. its true kids.

i totally miss hannah. or maybe just having a social life. shes one of those ones i just connect with. her continued absence festers in my mind. oh, the times we could have had....she would be my perfect concert buddy. exept for hardcore shows.....i fear she would fear. oh well.


i need to take my lisence for granted. with cecilia.
i
love
her.
OH sweet flaming christ.

today, she was WAY mad. or mean. or something. i was totally like, "fuck, thats the end of it. she's totally sick of me now."
but it werent so. i dont think.
oh. that would suck.
if i got dumped, id have to make another drastic change in my plans for the future, which are more or less always a compensation with someone elses.

how drastic i wonder? i fear.

okay, so being bipolar sucks. im totally just laughing at how ludacris my last entry was. its funny, cuz i understand having felt all of it but its like over, but itll come back. it always does/ive got the scars to prove it.

i guess this is a good time to apologize to everyone who cares enough to read this..........

sorry

that being said, i watched devils rejects. and was stunned and in awe, so i watched it again. mmmmmmmmmclown sex.
i think HOUSE was much more my style, but i completely appreciated the different vibe of this movie. The whole thing had sort of a karma feel to it. its like how in house you KNOW NO ONE will survive. then in rejects, suddenly the fireflys have no edge. theyre on the run, like in grand theft auto how you shoot one cop and youre fucked unless you cheat. and in the end the protagonist becomes a sick bastard of an antagonist just like all the other antagonists, then dies. then the rest of the sick bastard antagonists die. its sort of nihlistic, i guess, but nihlism is such an empty state of mind.
i like the pretty lights.
house had more pretty lights. i think i liked it better.
but i like those gritty desperado standoff type moments in both movies. like when the first wydell is on his knees with a gun pointed straight between his eyes for like FIVE MINUTES and the screen just sort of pans out and the tension builds like a motherfucker and you wait and wait and wait and otis just stands there with his finger on the trigger and his recieding hairline mullet hair blows in the wind and you wait and the screen pans out more and then suddenly theres one quick hollow gunshot, wydell falls backward, and thats ALL. that was absolutely one of the best scenes of all time.
yeah. im gonna buy house. i love that shit. but the soundtrack to rejects was great. house had a lot of screeching white zombie style shit, and rejects was all fucking chill-ass southern rock. fucking trip.

yeah. i love ceci. i havent seen her in lets see todays saterday, i saw her tuesday, so thats fuck me im tired four days and i wont see her until goddamned monday fuck this SUCKS.
ten bucks says shes over me next time i see her.
fuck, i told you itd happen again.

i was lonely, then i realized i cant stand people.
why would a complete stranger a million miles away converse with me because shes horny?
im sick of people either reminding me that i cant have anything to do with them, or depressing me with their misery or depressing me with their happiness..............
im tired of torturing myself using ceci. i love her so much........
its ridiculous that my own self hatred uses her against me
im always thinking, 'yeah, shes gonna leave me for that guy over there. or josh. or the other josh. or that retarded tommy kid or that angel dude she dated when she was i dont know like five or that elijah man or fucking CAT shes probably having a fat orgy with them all right now cuz she HATES you, she even said so, so i must be right, so you can just DIE right now, cuz youre making everyone you know misereable.
kaylas in love with jesii now. he's a fucking selfish disgusting amoral pig moron, and she dumped you and shes in love with HIM WAHAT DOES THAT SAY ABOUT YOU? SERIUOSLY?!'
the logical conclusion obviously is that i suck.
im tired of roxxy reminding me of my humanity when i feel i need it least. im tired of being shoved into walls. next time ill just stay down. im tired of work, school, home, driving, riding the bus, getting loaded, all of it.

i know for a fact that the world is a better place without me. and i feel like shit.
so how gloriously perfect would it be
if i overdosed on E?
thompson says every time you do e you get a quarter size hole in your brain.
i wonder if i could make the whole fuckin thing just........disapear?

fuck thanksgiving.
fuck christmas.
fuck tweakers.
fuck it all.

maybe i should sleep on it
after cutting some kj up

and drinking some tea and taking a shower.

in love with THIS? honestly?

its a pity you can only curb my mood swings when youre with me. i guess im higher maintanence than aubrey thought.
id try talking to her
but i know goddamn well id just feel like shit afterward.
i need a levelheaded human right now.
i miss hannah.

once again
i
am
starving.