I am...mad. Very mad in fact. I don't mean mentally this time. More emotionally.

It's just, I have killed myself this year, trying to live up to everyone's expectations of me but I just can't make anyone happy, not even myself.

I work hard on my music even though it's just a hobby, not a career option to me but nobody thinks I work hard enough. It makes me want to go around hitting people on the head with my violin and then stashing what's left of them in my piano. Ah well, I do value my freedom. I mean...I just got out of prison (To those who don't know me, I'm kidding ^_^).

I just want this year to end, ya know?

Sponges?

You know, there are times in my life when I wonder if I am truly going mad...madder...whatever. I have like a THOUSAND music exams and I have started beating my head against my desk to the lilting sounds of Diary of Dreams.

And there are the sponges.

Yes, they are dancing across the room in their little suits and ties, smiling condescendingly at me. They want me to come play with them. Okay, sponges, I shall join you. Looks like more fun than my music theory...

Ok, I was kidding about the sponges but I just want to somehow vent my insanity before my dad comes to yell at me about the phone bill.

Any condescendingly sympathetic messages will be welcome.

Screw all that...God! When will you make me Eowyn? I'm still here and I'm still waiting. Even...ulp...ARWEN! No, don't make me her. Dear God, please get back to me on that. I'm wasting all my money on billowing clothes for when that happy time finally comes...

Well, we're back at school but the happiness hasn't drained. I have the Rasmus cd to console me ^_^ The big dance thing is tomorrow night and I finally won't have everyone killing me for not going. Ugh, I was never that keen but I'll go crazy if it doesn't end soon...make that crazier ^_^

It's holidays and I'm happy happy happy, an emotion that can be very rare to me at times ^_^. I don't even know why I'm glad. I mean, I'm snowed under with holiday work, my piano and violin teacher both want to kill me because I haven't been practicing and I've been exercising like there's no tomorrow which kills me! (Hmmm...why do I exercise? Mental note to self: eat much cake tomorrow). I suppose that it's just one of those sacred moments when I can put everything in perspective. I'm alive, I'm going to buy some new books tomorrow and I finally got to sleep last night after working on my book till 4 am. There are things to be thankful for. And now that I've been totally sappy...GET ME OUT OF THIS PLANET! I WANT TO BE EOWYN!

Aaaaagh! Make it stop! I'm at my mother's work, earning a little cash but the work is so boring and long! I have to read a 200 page bill and I'm going to kill someone! Somebody stop me! X_X

I don't want my diary to be sad and empty like the writing at the bottom is currently telling me it is. Okay, I'll put something in it. Something sad, at least to me. I have this dance coming up and I asked this guy. He said yes and I was all happy and jump-for-joy-delighted but the next day...he died! Well...no, actually he didn't, although maybe that would have been better ^_^. Actually, it turned out that he couldn't come so now I am UNHAPPY and throwing darts at my teddy bears. I have decided not to go to the dance so I'm actually saving a couple of hundred Rands but I'm still a little melancholy. Yay! Now my diary isn't sad and empty, it's sad and full!