What do you do when you want something SO BADLY and there is no reason that you shouldn't have it but you knew you'd feel guilty if you took it? Anyone? I just can't stop asking this question.

I know I've written this once already today and am even feeling slightly guilty for posting this a second time but...hey - this is my space! I can do it! *cue evil laughter* Mwahahaha!

I seem to have problems with guilt as of late. Why? I've done nothing wrong...

Eden
-Philippa

The moon sings in the ancient Garden wild;
A maiden dances - her gestures a poem.
Her body a song, her blue eyes a tome;
Her rosy lips smile, her soul undefiled.

The dead tree halts her; cries out with the breeze.
An angel tangled in the cage-like boughs
Singing his serpent-song; she spends long hours
Seduced and swaying to his shadow pleas.

"Please take this fruit - tokens of love from me..."
The peel like blood against her virgin skin -
The angel laughed to see her suffering,
Her beauty crumbling underneath the tree.

Her eyes are blank, her lips now speak of death;
The fruit was sweet but cost her her life's breath.

Yay, more entries by me. You can only read this if you pay me later. In smarties.

I found a cure to the no practice thing. Have a surprise lesson! Yay - nine hours of playing the piano has cured me. For now. If all else fails - lie! It's an art, not a sin.

Ignore my entries. I plead insanity. Ignore my crap poetry. I plead...gnon-guilty?

Maybe I should write something serious ^_^ I mean, most of my stuff is pretty mad…I’m seriously beginning to believe that I am screwed in the head.

I cut my eye the other day (I have no idea how I managed THIS one) and so I am temporarily blind. This is not improving my general mood. You know those days when you just feel depressed and nothing you ever do will go right and…and you couldn’t even win a game of solitaire if you tried? Today is worse. I don’t know why. It just is.

I don’t know why I even keep this computer diary and so if you’re tired of the meaningless ramblings of a crazed mind, I suggest you stop reading ^_^ It’s three am and I haven’t got any sleep so I’m doing this to keep the boredom at bay.

An agony of searing lights
Glittering diamond glass
Painted wings and fairy kings
Everyone knows they will not last

Vows screamed in thrashing rain
Jealous rivals, lovers trapped
Petals falling, dreamers calling
Sanity has snapped

Shards of crystal, diamond tears
Nought but glass and lights and flash
Blood streaming, innocents screaming
Cheers and lighting, thunder crash

Death and decay, youth ensnared
Sweat and skin and blood
Mixed with fears and drowned in tears
Becomes a deadly flood

A cheering crowd cries for an end
Best to fool them, story crafter
She must live with him, let goodness win
And they lived happily after…

But by her grave a young man weeps
For satin gowns and his fragile dove
Let him curse his fate, he learned too late
That he was doomed to love.

There we go, my poetry has put me to sleep. I just wrote this and for some macabre reason it fits my current mood. *Yawn* goodnight.

I am...mad. Very mad in fact. I don't mean mentally this time. More emotionally.

It's just, I have killed myself this year, trying to live up to everyone's expectations of me but I just can't make anyone happy, not even myself.

I work hard on my music even though it's just a hobby, not a career option to me but nobody thinks I work hard enough. It makes me want to go around hitting people on the head with my violin and then stashing what's left of them in my piano. Ah well, I do value my freedom. I mean...I just got out of prison (To those who don't know me, I'm kidding ^_^).

I just want this year to end, ya know?

Sponges?

You know, there are times in my life when I wonder if I am truly going mad...madder...whatever. I have like a THOUSAND music exams and I have started beating my head against my desk to the lilting sounds of Diary of Dreams.

And there are the sponges.

Yes, they are dancing across the room in their little suits and ties, smiling condescendingly at me. They want me to come play with them. Okay, sponges, I shall join you. Looks like more fun than my music theory...

Ok, I was kidding about the sponges but I just want to somehow vent my insanity before my dad comes to yell at me about the phone bill.

Any condescendingly sympathetic messages will be welcome.

Screw all that...God! When will you make me Eowyn? I'm still here and I'm still waiting. Even...ulp...ARWEN! No, don't make me her. Dear God, please get back to me on that. I'm wasting all my money on billowing clothes for when that happy time finally comes...

Well, we're back at school but the happiness hasn't drained. I have the Rasmus cd to console me ^_^ The big dance thing is tomorrow night and I finally won't have everyone killing me for not going. Ugh, I was never that keen but I'll go crazy if it doesn't end soon...make that crazier ^_^

It's holidays and I'm happy happy happy, an emotion that can be very rare to me at times ^_^. I don't even know why I'm glad. I mean, I'm snowed under with holiday work, my piano and violin teacher both want to kill me because I haven't been practicing and I've been exercising like there's no tomorrow which kills me! (Hmmm...why do I exercise? Mental note to self: eat much cake tomorrow). I suppose that it's just one of those sacred moments when I can put everything in perspective. I'm alive, I'm going to buy some new books tomorrow and I finally got to sleep last night after working on my book till 4 am. There are things to be thankful for. And now that I've been totally sappy...GET ME OUT OF THIS PLANET! I WANT TO BE EOWYN!

Aaaaagh! Make it stop! I'm at my mother's work, earning a little cash but the work is so boring and long! I have to read a 200 page bill and I'm going to kill someone! Somebody stop me! X_X

I don't want my diary to be sad and empty like the writing at the bottom is currently telling me it is. Okay, I'll put something in it. Something sad, at least to me. I have this dance coming up and I asked this guy. He said yes and I was all happy and jump-for-joy-delighted but the next day...he died! Well...no, actually he didn't, although maybe that would have been better ^_^. Actually, it turned out that he couldn't come so now I am UNHAPPY and throwing darts at my teddy bears. I have decided not to go to the dance so I'm actually saving a couple of hundred Rands but I'm still a little melancholy. Yay! Now my diary isn't sad and empty, it's sad and full!