i dont know what
exactly it was
that was you know
instilled in me
but its this sort of
sense of being
a part of something
i dont know
you know like
i knew that i
was being ushered
into something

i wanted to
say im sorry
but i dont know
what for im
just sorry you know
i just suddenly
felt sorry but i
didnt want to
tell you because
like i dont know
you would have
asked why and i
wouldnt know
what to say so
i dont know
you know

fhyhtriygi5qqqeyhtraoghfkjherjkhqta34oooowhthertrehgreiothqao3hhhthrekjtghhjkfhkjherjkthkjherthq3u45ui4yhtrhjkgggggjk.hreo;twyeouighhhhdfhbekrhhqteurhtughvheqrhwhggggeheurihtterh i need help. i dont know who from, i dont know what with, i dont know how, but i know i need help. i cant do anything. im utterly and completely helpless. i upset him. i left and i didnt some back for a couple days. i needed to clear my mind. i had a lot of time to think. no matter where i am, who im with and what im doing, i walways end up thinking about him. i dunno what that means, whether or not its healthy, what the fuck im gunna do about or anything. i dont know anything. my brain died. i dont know who i am anymore. please, please, please, help me find myself. i can really use any help i can get. i just wish life were as simple as everyone makes it sound when youre a little kid in kindergarden, all you have to worry about is what youre gunna eat, are you gunna get to go out to the park and play in the sand-box, can you spell your name good enough. when you think about it life is utterly pointless. everyone dies in the end. my feet are cold. ive been cold a lot lately. im cold and i have a sore throat. thats what i get for sharing drinks with other people i guess. or maybe its more than that. maybe im sick because im so stressed out. god damnit i dont even have anything to be stressed out about >.< fuckin' a. im just going to stop typing now

he is everywhere
at the same time
he is no where
to be found

thinks hes worthless
just a loser
cant do nothing
he is wrong

love him so much
makes me cry
i just want to
be with him

stuck here in this
dead darkness
here forever
silent, cold

wait for my time
he will come
make it all gone
i just know

mind over matter
everthing
ill make this work
no matter what

i am spinning
and im scared
for i know not
what is next

just have to wait
then ill see
what lies ahead
the future

hearing voices
they not real
guess i am though
at times i wonder.....

DEMI GOD

heres a stupid peom i wrote

SELF DISCRIMINATION

i hate margerine..... it tastes foul and need to die. whoever invented it should be shot.......

i am filled with guilt and shame, yet i can not find a reason to be.....

"i love you so much,
it makes me cry,
suddenly i no longer,
want to die,
i wish i could spend,
the rest of my life,
warm and safe,
in your arms"

this is part of a poem i just recently wrote for jon erik. he makes me so happy and fills me with love.

BLOOD IS THE BASIS OF GRIEF, LOVE, PAIN, SUFFERING, SORROW, HAPPIENESS, JOY AND WAR. BLOOD IS ALL THERE IS. ITS ALL THERE EVER WILL BE......