I have come to a lot of realizations lately. Some are good, some are sad, and all of them have slightly changed my perception of things. I have realized that I have a certain sort of freedom that many people never achieve. I don't know what gives me this freedom, I think it is more of a frame of mind than a choice, something that you are born having more than reaching in your life.

I have come to know this freedom through many different situations. I have the freedom to put my personal feelings aside and do what I know in my heart is right. Most people do not. I have the freedom to see past my own vendettas and get over myself for the sake of someone else. I have the freedom to realize that you can't hold on to the good times because their fleeting nature is what makes us see them as the good times. I don't know what advantage this freedom gives me, or if it even is an advantage. Maybe it's the very thing that will break me. I know I'm not perfect, and that freedom is not a guaranteed thing. When I get into an heated fight with someone I am previously angry with, I break. I say everything that freedom has been helping me to hold back and I snap. I usually end up breaking their heart and not giving a shit. That's what makes me think it is a hinderance just as much as it is a freedom.

[get into my head]


So my one year break from school is finally up.. I'm glad to be starting college this fall. I missed learning. I want to know everything I possibly can, explore every connection, possibility, or mistake.

(DISCLAIMER: This is a side of me that only I know. Everyone has a side like this. Some people aren't even aware of theirs, but we all have a side that we wouldn't share with anyone whether it's because of fear or unwillingness to let it out. It's like a concious subconcious, a side of you that is aware of it's existence and aware of the fact that only you will ever know of it's existance. Well, I'm making that side of me come out, forcing it into the limelight in hopes that I may discover something in the process. The following is a taste of that side.)



-I want to know the origins of things, like how a certain word began to circulate. How did the makers of the word invent it when the need arose? Did the right word to call it just appear from thin air? Or was it influenced by something on the creator's mind, like a past lover or a childhood memory? And if so, then when we use that word today, aren't we truely referring to something entirely different in itself?

-I want to know the reason of things, if there is one to be found. Is there any logic to the random cycle of events we call life? Can one choice forever change the future? If I were born in another country, would it be the same me, or an vastly unfamiliar being? Would I eventually stumble along the same path that the current me is on, because it is destiny? Maybe life is more like roulette, and you make do with wherever the ball flings you. With all the possibilities available for you to pick where you want to end your days at, how are you possibly able to pick the "right" one? You can't ever even know if it was "right", and "right" depends upon perception. What if your "right" is the wrong right? And what if what's "right" for you isn't good for you? If you are eventually meant to be the first casualty of a new theme park on Mars in 2051, does that mean no matter what life you live you will eventually step on board the shuttle bus that will take you there? Is it just the natural flow of things which will always carry you there? If a freak accident in my 30's left me terrified to leave Earth, would the very flow of nature change to accomadate this? Or would the connection to Jupiter still be made, no matter what because it is my inescable fate? And why is it my fate? Did I earn that fate in this life or another life perhaps? Maybe before you are born, your soul spins The Giant Wheel O'Fates to decide.Even if you refused to spin, you'd get one anyways. No matter how you fight it, you will end up there anyways. Why should we even try to fight it? Maybe it's a test of the spirit of humanity, to see if we can rise above it. If you do rise above it, will you be given some kind of eternal reward that will absolve all past wrongs, like religion promises? But what if the mere belief in that sort of thing hinders you from considering another possility which turns out to be your true salvation?

(By the way, this is sort of the reason I am agnostic. I have come to the realization that know one knows what happens to the conciousness mind after the body dies. Maybe nothing happens, maybe it is immortal and lives in happiness with the divine, maybe it lives on in another way. I am admiting that I have do not have enough faith any one possibilty to call it my religion, and believe in it with all my heart with a doubt in my mind. I am admiting that I have a voice of reason which tells me I do not know.)

And I HAVE to know.

also - i can't wait until we invent jetpacks, because getting a $300 fine for carrying a torch lighter through security in your carry-on at the airport is straight up bullshit.

watch this...

http://vids.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=vids.individual&videoid=2016145735
"Weenies on the grill"

*there's nothing sexual about it so get your mind out of the gutter.

I love this... http://www.deviantart.com/deviation/15063892/?qo=154&;q=by%3Aecho-of-vis1on&qh=sort%3Atime+-in%3Ascraps

ANGER

1. Who did you last get angry with? i dunno
2. What is your weapon of choice? blade
3. Would you hit a member of the opposite sex? Yes
4.How about of the same sex? yes
5.Who was the last person who got really angry at you? i dunno
6.What is your pet peeve? idiots
7.Do you keep grudges, or can you let them go easily? depends on how bad you screwed me over



Sloth

1.What is one thing you're supposed to do daily that you haven't done in a long time? write people back (letters)
2. What is the latest you've ever woken up? 7pm
3.Name a person you've been meaning to contact, but haven't? pretty much everyone i knew in bham
4. What is the last lame excuse you made? i can't, i have bad lungs.
5.Have you ever watched an infomercial all the way through? that damn knive infomercial with ron popeil where they throw the pineapple in the air and slice thru it
6. How many times did you hit the snooze button on your alarm clock today? i woke up on my own time today



GLUTTONY



1. What is your overpriced yuppie beverage of choice? starbucks vanilla bean frappichino
2. Meat eaters: white meat or red meat? white
3. What is the greatest amount of alcohol you've had in one sitting/outing/event? about a half gallon of 80 proof vodka, 4 whiskey sours, and 3 large cups of irish coffee. I passed out in the bathroom on top of a friend's dirty clothes. it was pretty comfy.
4. Have you ever used a professional diet company? yes
5. Do you have an issue with your weight? somewhat
6. Do you prefer sweets, salty foods, or spicy foods? i like all three
7. Have you ever looked at a small house pet or child and thought "Food"? no

LUST
1. How many people have you seen naked (not counting movies/family) 7ish
2. 2. How many people have seen YOU naked (not counting physicians/family) 5?
3. Have you ever caught yourself staring at the chest/crotch of a member of your gender of choice during a normal conversation? yes
4. Have you "done it"? yes
5. What is your favorite body part on a person of your gender of choice? eyes
6. Have you ever been propositioned by a prostitute? no
7. Have you ever had to get tested for an STD or pregnancy? no



GREED
1. How many credit cards do you own? none
2. What's your guilty pleasure store? i guess walmart
3. If you had $1 million, what would you do with it? make a replica of Night Island (it's in an Anne Rice book). Basically, Armand creates an island where you can buy anything and everything you've ever wanted, full of luxuries beyond your wildest imaginations, and everyone he's ever loved lives there with him.
4. Would you rather be rich, or famous? they kind of go hand in hand
5. Would you accept a boring job if it meant you would make megabucks? hell yes
6. Have you ever stolen anything? i used to steal my brother's change for cigarrette money, but he did the same to me.
7. How many MP3s are on your hard drive? well I just moved so this is a different computer, but my old one had about 4000 songs



PRIDE

1. What one thing have you done that you're most proud of? i dont know
2. What one thing have you done that your parents are most proud of? getting out of the court system
3. What thing would you like to accomplish in your life? learn to play guitar like Acid Bath and Atomship
4. Do you get annoyed by coming in second place? no
5. Have you ever entered a contest of skill, knowing you were of much higher skill than all the other competitors? yep
6. Have you ever cheated on something to get a higher score? i cheated to get into the scholars bowl in 5th grade, then it turned out I was the smartest one on the team
7. What did you do today that you're proud of? i havent been awake that long


ENVY
1. What item (or person) of your friends would you most want to have for your own? i want a car
2. Who would you want to go on "Trading Spaces" with? i dont watch that shit
3. If you could be anyone else in the world, who would you be? i would be my cousin sara, because she's going to australia for a semester next month
4. Have you ever been cheated on? kind of
5. Have you ever wished you had a physical feature different from your own? yes
6. What inborn trait do you see in others that you wish you had for yourself? i guess i wish i could follow my own advice
7. Do you wish you'd come up with this survey? i dont have the time or patience for that shit

Mexi is a gay black hippy jew!!!


-Cam

i stole this from someone......

If Your Child is Gothic, Reform Through the Lord!
Listed below are some warning signs to indicate if your
child may have gone astray from the Lord.


Gothic (or goth) is a very obscure and often dangerous
culture that young teenagers are prone to participating in. The gothic culture leads young, susceptible minds into an imagined world of evil,darkness, and violence. Please seek immediate attention through counselling, prayer,
and parental guidance to rid your child of Satan's temptations if five or more of the following are applicable to your child:



-Frequently wears black clothing.
-Wears band and/or rock t-shirts.
-Wears excessive black eye makeup, lipstick or nailpolish.
-Wears any odd, silver jewelry or symbols. Some of these include:
reversed crosses, pentagrams, pentacles, ankhs or various
other Satanic worshipping symbols.
-Shows an interest in piercings or tattoos.
-Listens to gothic or any other anti-social genres of
music. (Marilyn Manson claims to be the anti-Christ, and publicly speaks
against the Lord. Please discard any such albums IMMEDIATELY.)
-Associates with other people that dress, act or speak
eccentrically.
-Shows a declining interest in wholesome activities, such
as: the Bible, prayer, church or sports.
-Shows an increasing interest in death, vampires, magic,
the occult, witchcraft or anything else that involves Satan.
-Takes drugs.
-Drinks alcohol.
-Is suicidal and/or depressed.
-Cuts, burns or partakes in any other method of self-mutilation. (This is a Satanic ritual that uses pain to detract from the light of God and
His love. Please seek immediate attention for this at your local mental health center.)
-Complains of boredom.
-Sleeps too excessively or too little.
-Is excessively awake during the night.
-Dislikes sunlight or any other form of light. (This pertains to
vampires promoting the idea that His light is of no use.)
-Demands an unusual amount of privacy.
-Spends large amounts of time alone.
-Requests time alone and quietness. (This is so that your child may speak to evil sprits.)
-Insists on spending time with friends while unaccompanied by an adult.
-Disregards authority figures; teachers, priests, nuns and
elders are but a few examples of this.
-Misbehaves at school.
-Misbehaves at home.
-Eats excessively or too little.
-Eats goth-related foods. Count Dracula cereal is an example of this. (COUNT DRACULA CEREAL MEANS YOU COMMUNICATE WITH THE DEVIL ?)
-Drinks blood or expresses an interest in drinking blood.
(Vampires believe this is how to attain Satan. This act is very dangerous and should be stopped immediately.)
-Watches cable television or any other corrupted media
sources. (Ask your local church for proper programs that your child may watch.)
-Plays videos games that contains violence or role-playing nature.
-Uses the internet excessively and frequently makes time for the computer.
-Makes Satanic symbols and/or violently shakes head to music.
-Dances to music in a provocative manner.
-Is homosexual and/or bisexual.
-Pursues dangerous cult religions. Such include: Satanism, Scientology, Philosophy, Paganism, Wicca, Hinduism and Buddhism.
-Wears pins, stickers or anything else that contains these various phrases: "I'm so gothic, I'm dead", "woe is me", "I'm a goth".
-Claims to be a goth.



If five or more of these apply to your child, please intervene immediately. The gothic culture is dangerous and Satan thrives within it. If any of these problems persist, enlist your child into your local mental health center