[Wes Foxx]'s diary
Written about Thursday 2005-03-03
Written: (7205 days ago)
disclaimer: this journal entry WILL ruin your day if you choose to read it, is full of negatively suggestive concepts, obscene language, and whatever you call it when your killing a mood. starts with an A i think... oh yeah, angst i think it is. basically im spilling my dark twisted thoughts into a public diary entry.
anyhow, as unlikely as it is that its possible to, please enjoy ^^
Oh what fun! more drama ^^ why am i happy? I DONT KNOW! =D oh wait, tis cuz the emotional pain bwoke my widdle hawrt intwo withing shawds of purre agononmy an' suffewing! so im emotionally dead (again =P) till my heart can regrow. At least this temporary insanity and emotionlessnes
whats that? im being a cold b@$t@rd? thanks! thats what people see when someone speeks their innermost thoughts. i guess im just spilling some of my inner demons out. i guess 15 years of self sacrifice and an additional year and a half of seemingly futile, downright massochistic unrequited love for her, with all the pain, sorrow and the like all rolled into one demonic, surpressed mass of all mans suffering and stuffed into one person, at times ill let a little bit of it spill out. yah, you heard me, this is what happens when just a tiny bit gets out. 99% of it is still repressed. scary, huh? oh well, thats all ya can expect from a self-hating mentally unstable FREAK OF NATURE like me. say yah, eh? yeah i heard you, you said "i totally agree." no, that denial that you have doesnt tell me anything like its supposed to, since its sorta like hoping a nerf dart will kill a grizzly bear. try giving me some sympathy thats at LEAST a decent throwing dart worth. what? still not working? yup. cuz its hopeless. darn. locked into an inescapable prison of self hate. ill get busy on surpressing that too. well, see ya when im sane, unless i remain crazy long enough to see why they describe vicious deep cuts as "burning". provided i find neither that rifle real/loaded, those pretty colored chemicals rather tasty when mixed in a bowl, or whether or not the nuices ive seen in cartoons actually work when they're tied that way. long goodbye, eh? oh stop panicking, i may be a self-hating, troubled little child but im also a fat bastard and total pussy, to be Foamy-style blunt. Ill never have the courage to do anything like that to myself. Ill drag myself back in this emotional field of razors over and over, and all i'll ever say, provided that those razors also burn when they cut, is "its a little hot in here". Feel free to take a break from reading this to message me, get a snack, do a dance, put on your favorite tunes, jerk off to your porn stash, or whatever ya do. im just gonna continue in my self-hating rant for a while. im good at it too.
Lets see, im worthless, annoying, mentally unstable, hopeless, perverted, psyco on about 3 of the 7 levels (ill probably earn the 4th after this) one of THE SHITTIEST handwriters ever, living proof its better to be lucky than smart, or lucky than intelligent. No one can deny this 228, 5'9" sack of crap is fatter than the pillsbury doughboy. Stack onto that the plethora of quirks i have, just a tiny part of them shown physically, but still enough to give ya a good "what the FUCK?!?" at me. im not really a good artist too. my stuff is crap. the only reason it could ever be praised at all is at least i try, the massochist i am, craving to draw in full knowledge of the fact that the only reason "im a good artist" is because im better than people with NO talent. wow. im a good-for-barel
and of course the finale. its called the "its all my fault, and no one denies it" rant =) in the course of my life on the game server battle.net many MANY MANY MANY things went wrong. total of 8 rp kids i had, all driven away from me except for one who i later hurt VERY badly emotionally in a mistake that ALSO hurt someone who i hold extremely close extremely badly. so bad im back to "backup boyfriend" as previously mentioned. Looking back, i realized. Im the center of it all, nothing ever went badly wrong unless it involved me. The kids? all my fault. unappreciated and aggrivated by me. i drove them away from jess. my fault points =) other people putting themselves through hell. for who? useless old me, since im such a motherfucker no one can see how bad i really am, they all of course were tricked into caring about me, only to be put through hell by, yup, me, until they were about to finally leave and get their lives back together until, wow you guessed it, i convinced them to stay, and either screwed 'em over even worse or screwed them over even more than i would in variety A by also screwing their friends over. its a contagious web of my faults! trusted some looser i should NEVER have trusted? now everyones sad (for some unknown reason) since they think im dead. im such a bitch i let a similar thing happen again. now i got some chick in US West who clicks my site, tells everyone how im "leaving that bitch for her", posts my name from off of my freewebs page, and without ever telling me about any of that, makes friends with the very person i supposedly am leaving (and never will, even after all this that im talking about here) and feeds her that bullshit that i coulda prevented if i wasnt such a pathetic bastard. If i coulda waited for friends to show up on us east to talk to, i wouldnt have to go to us west and find some skank that weaves me into her fucking web for the person i care for more than any other to fall into. new high score for my fault points. anyhow, thats just that tiny 1% of the demon getting out. He could go on but hes being supressed. The regular me probably wont delete this since as horrible and disturbing as it is, he cant deny, as much as he might want to, that its all true.
wow, that last entry was fun. anyhow, its all supressed and stuff so, unless your one of those nice people who should be in Anthro Angels you'll never know whats up with me. To the entire world im nice and happy and all again. Feel free to pretend like you never read my inner feelings if you've read it. in that case you can go kill yourself. I get rather pissed off when people think they're gonna make me feel better by not bringing up what i feel bad about. i only feel bad when you drag up things against me. if people would OCCASIONALLY listen to MY feelings for a change, maybe i wouldnt be developing this extreeme bipolar complex. thats overstating it a little bit though. ill spell it out clearly; what id like is for people to talk to me about this stuff without 1)giving me guilt 2)chewing me out for it 3) pretending like what i says doesnt matter since i can just deal with it.
Yet again, i feel myself compelled by my too-honest soul to write what shouldnt be. But im willing to do it anyways. To say it in a way similar to my poem Soul Painter...
I write my soul, i paint my heart
Onto this paper, into this chart
I let it go, my soul uncage
I free my love, my sorrow, my rage.
I place my soul on this page so that they may see
sometime down the road of history
what i really thought deep down inside me
who truly was held so very important to be
Sucky i know. but still true. Words can express my feelings if your willing to look for them. I only just spelled it out clearly for all to see; my diary tells the story on its own without me slapping you in the face with it. However some people need that slap to wake them up.
Regret is my new best friend.
My life would make one hell of a rollercoaster. One moment its going up and up and up! nothing can stop me! then i come crashing down, feeling my heart jolted cruely as i nearly bash my head in on the safety guard that just barely keeps me on the ride at times. By the way, i hate rollercoasters
Aiyah. Xx survived the stress crap once again. ugh >< now im really hungry/sleepy.
its not working... it wont go away... why wont it go away... what the hell... cant... stop... shaking... why... fate... again... my hearts walking another razor edge... it shouldnt but it is... i thought it had gone... it... and... but...........
...Something doesn't feel right... why is my impending doom radar blinking like that... whats going on... why cant i stop myself from shaking... cant go crazy now... now isnt a good time for this... whats wrong with this picture... it doesnt add up... what the hell... gotta distract myself with something... more history of inari stuff will do, gotta finish those character pages up
Lets see... I got an extra large piece of paper from school to do with whatever I want. What shall I draw? Wes? Inari? Some character group picture? None of these! I have a much nicer idea for what it should be that I only just thought up because Im writing in my journal. Hope it'll turn out nice. She should like it ^^ Wait, nope, that idea doesnt work anymore. hm, now ive got an even bigger one, like, 16"X25" or something like that, and no ideas.
Aye... Getting woozy Xx good thing that dermatologist thing is next week. I keep getting stigmata-style cases of bleeding from my face, it dosent form almost any scar tissue and keeps opening up. I wipe my hand across my face and my palm is covered in blood. Ive completely covered one and a half tissues with it. I have to use bandages or else it'll become serious and I'll pass out. My mom says I'm already looking a little pale >< at least this most recent little cut is closing up. Right in that stupid line of acme running like a knifeslice along my right jawline, the pimple crap keeps forcing it back open. Anyhow, if I go really quiet without logging out and don't come back in an hour or two, I'm out cold or being strapped to a streacher.
Really? not really, im exaggerating, but my face is bleeding way too easily and its pissing me off.
Yeah, I just love giving myself more work. I didn't listen to myself and therefore designed Anthro Angels rather quickly. At least its a way for me to help other people =)
So many ideas for sketches have come to me Oo If only I had the detail skills of some of these artists! My ideas are incredibly awesome but I don't have the art programs I need for them to be properly recognized in the case of the Legeands of Inari story act artwork >< (sort of like cover art) and another of them would launch another entire wiki, and I'm doing enough at the moment thankya.
New Character sketches for the History of Inari:
Dekka - 
Tanjo - 
Tychus - 
Larune - 
< Ive overdone it again, now im starting to feel sick and my eyes are killing me. I'll have to start writing the first story later, im beat. -logs out for the day-
ITS DONE! ITS DONE! THE LEGEANDS OF INARI HAVE BEEN PLANNED AND ARE FINALLY READY TO BE WRITTEN!!!
There, 19:53:46, finished outlining Act V.
20:55:44 - working on Act VI, came up with a kickass plot twist =) Finished it up shortly after
21:05:23 - working on act VII...
HUGE PLOT TWIST! IT JUST GOT CRAZY!!!
My dad told us all a rather touching story today in his sermon (Lutheran pastor's kid, proud of it. dont like it? bite me and shaddap ;) ) I like it because its another story of why cats > dogs =P
One of the members of our church just passed away recently. One day when he was visiting her house before she died, a ginger cat just showed up at her door on its own accord and walked in like it lived there. It promptly went up to the woman's bed and hopped up next to her while my dad was sitting there talking to her. It curled up in her lap and sat there serenely purring as she stroked it, easing all of her worries and fears about death. It came back every day they tried to send it on its way, always coming back to give comfort to her. As she was slipping towards a coma, it would lay streched out alongside her with its forepaw over her shoulder like a guardian angel.
Sounds to me like it may have truly been one, don't you think?
Okay. Heres how the stories for History of Inari are looking so far:
Act 1: Figuring out who he is
Act 2: Figuring out who he was
Act 3: Figuring out which one will win out
Act 4: Save the world from another
Act 5: Save the world from 'himself'
Act 6: Save the world from the very things that saved it once
Act 7: Rise above all trials
Act 8: Culmination
Damn, this is the 15th entry ive written in the past week! Im on fire! ... OW FIRE BURNS! HOT! HOT-OT-OT-OT-O
I keep listening to songs, keep feeling my body stuck to a rhythm
If I didn't totally stink at dancing and wasn't a fat-a** I'd probably dance to this. You gotta hear the stuff I listen to to know what I'm talking about. They're my Soul Rally songs. Ie, 99 Red Balloons, Walk Like an Egyptian, District Sleeps, etc. Stuff that just takes a vicegrip on your mood and tempo and bends it mercilessly to its will, till you comply and find yourself having the time of your life.
And now I gotta watch http://www.Hom
Wow. Im looking back to my old diary stuff again. This is one of the more interresting ones I found.
Fate... Fate gives us some of the most precious things we can ever recieve. It gives us true love. It gives us what we need in our darkest hour. It is the thing that makes life worth living.
Usually.
Fate gives us these things to rip them savagely from our arms, not giving a sh*t if it tears apart the holder in the process. It reduces us to cold fragments of who we were.
Why do I say this? Its the story of my life.
I am a loner. I do nothing, like no-one, and plan my life almost happily, dreaming of a solitary existance with no one around me, alone for all eternity.
Then I found her...
[Katori PureHeart], Jess, Lilly, whatever name she is called by, she is the reason why my heart is no longer frozen in the dark cold stone it once was. She taught me love.
But wouldn't you know, since fate hates me, it had a cost.
I constantly found myself struggling to keep my sanity. Her parents are divorced and her mom has no computer, no way to talk to us. She only got on 3 days a week.
Over half of every week I was alone and unable to see her.
It hurt. The stress, the temptation, the rumors, the suspicions, the lies, the sorrows, the drama, the god damn drama was a constant aggrivation, and never left.
We were living a soap opera with a sadistic scriptwriter.
Fast forard past the strife, the betrayals, the hurts, the forgiveness, wounds cut open after theyd healed, lessons learned and history repeated.
Her mom gets a car; her mom is as sadistic as the writer.
She can never come on anymore. Shes been on only one day both this last week and the one before. I never even got to talk to her. Praise elftown for leaving messages.
Now I have to learn to deal with this every single week.
I must be as crazy as they all tell me because I think this is no problemb. On the outside at least. Inside I'm being torn to the shreds by fate. (1-19-05)
I can't believe my life has gotten so much better since. Now instead of my love never being on, shes on almost every single day! Ive gotten DSL and aren't getting monitored like a suicidal, max-security prisoner that i thought i was gonna be, found a bunch of friends online here on elftown and even created a fun RP group! I'm writing an 8 act story series and am drawing art better than ever for it! Viva Vita!
My Analysis of Water
The water is clear, the water is cool
The water is shining in a crystaline pool
The water is clensing, the water is warm,
The water is constantly changing its form
The water is tranquil; its peacefully raining
The waters of earth all life are sustaining
Water is complex, both deadly and healing,
The rushing white rapids a thousand lives stealing
Yet at the same time, so many are living
Because of the relief that water is giving
Washing out wounds, washing out fields
Giving and taking, it both rebels and yields.
Water is the only reason we're even alive
It gives every human their body's drive
Theres almost no where to go where it cannot be found
Great lakes and rivers, oceans all around
Most of the world is kept in its hold
From the tropic's warm gulfs to the polar's deep cold
Almost nothing we make, the most complex compound,
Within the greater part of them some water is found
Yet humans cant controll it, as we're realizing,
The crushing tsunamis and floodwaters rising
A sort of continuation of my earlier entry, Analysis of Fire. More of these to come.
Words from Wes.
I follow the world around me, living its tempo to the fullest.
I let the wind carry me on the wings of my heart, soaring above all my expectations, floating freely as my mind wanders like a cloud across the sky.
I hear the song of life itself, trillions of voices shouting in glorious chorus their hopes and dreams, the very essence of the soul has its own unique song, the lyrics as beautiful as the hymn of a heavently angel.
I am guided by the pulse of the tides, the water of my day fed from streams of imagination. My mind drinks it in deeply as I feel myself pulled and led inexorably on my way. I feel the moon guide me in its silvery arc across the gem studded velvet of the night sky.
I feel the earth beneith my paws and read the story of a million years of humble service, the life and death of a million creatures, the rays of sun that struck it, the drops of rain that carried it away, the molten heat of the earth reforming it, eons of time seeing it slowly called to the surface once more, holding with atlas like strength great skyscrapers, massive vehicles, indeed, the entire weight of the world was once told to me by a grain of sand that once confessed it had been right upon the metalic core of the earth.
The winds have sung a song that all have heard before. Its siren wails, its enchanting whispers, its fierced raging gales, its heart-stopping destruction
These and many other things combine in a great symphony of song, story, dance, combat, poetry, music!
Magna Terra Artis Certus Est!
Lets see what I have on my checklist today:
X Draw an adaptation of my "Father and Son" picture (Foxx Galary) for a friend at school who recently had a kid
?_? Do a character sketch of Inari (may not actually do it 'till after the Inari Contest is over) to finish the Act IV character sketches (History of Inari)
_ Character sketches for Act I
_ Character sketches for Act II
_ Character sketches for Act III
_ Chapter outlines for Acts V-VIII
_ Character and Location outlines Acts V-III
_ Character sketches for Act V
_ Character sketches for Act VI
_ Character sketches for Act VII
_ Character sketches for Act VIII
_ Work on a special piece of writing, which may be for the History of Inari? >> << >> *conspiratoria
_ Write my analyses for other elements
_ Translate the analyses into poems if they aren't already
_ Sketches for my mate (which wont be displayed publically >> << >> *wink wink*)
_ Commissioned drawing for a Furcadia member
_ Re-do submission for Anthro Chic Contest
_ Complete any new art commisions afterwards