Intense cold of Ambifore
The seasons to convey her comfort...
Now winter dance is here...
It seems so fitting, dont you think... to dress the ground in white... and gray...
Its so quiet I can hear... my thoughts touching every second... that id spend waiting for you...
But circumstances afford me no second chance to tell you... how much...how much i have missed you...
My beloved do you know
When the whirlwind comes again...
Another year will start to pass...
Please dont ask me why... i cant hear...
Something deeper brings me than i need to remember...
We were both young and blessed with wings...
There were no heights we could not reach...
There was no heaven in which we did not soar...
Though something deeper burned in us... I dont regret the choices that are made...
I know you would feel the same...
My beloved... do you know?
How many years i stared at clouds... and thought i saw you dancing there
These are feelings that do not pass so easily... how can i forget what we... what we claimed as ours...
Moments pass, time remains... I am so proud of what we were...
No pain remains, no feelings... just eternity awaits...
To grant me wings that i might fly, my restless soul is longing...
No pain remains, no feelings... eternity awaits...
My beloved did you know
When the whirlwind comes again
Another year will start to pass
Something deeper burned in us
I dont regret the choices that ive made
I know youd feel the same...

Grant me wings that i might fly
My restless soul is longing
No pain remains no feelings
Just eternity awaits
No pain remains no feelings
I am so pround of what we were
No pain remains no feelings
Just eternity awaits...

Well, its fixed now. sort of. I an get on at the same time, but it takes a higher connection level and I cant get that from my room.

Apparently the problem is that the IP adresses are too similar between the compys. Whichever one gets in first gets dibs ever since the router got unplugged once. We're trying to fix it right now, and for a little while i got controll. I'll be on and off as the router is tinkered with.

~The Legeands of Inari: Act I~

the wireless network is acting up like a total bitch >< i cant use my laptop and my bro will want this computer back once hes home, so im out of contact... i dont know how long for... DAMNIT, WHY ALWAYS AT THIS KIND OF TIME.

This means I'm not gonna be able to get on much, no scanner, no Furcadia, no Yahoo, and limited time with my brother randomly kicking me off at the most inconvenient times.

Found out something interresting. I CAN use the laptop for internet. I just can't use it when the other computer is on. Oh joy. My brother stays on until 1 AM so when I get kicked off, I'm gonna be kicked off for a long time/all night.

~update~ I think its decided to work right for the most part, maybe >< stupid IP conflicted son of a...

NUMA NUMA!

Love is a rollercoaster. Its up up up, down down down, sudden turn, hard bump, but in the end your right back where your started. You either step off happy, terrified, or nauseous. How you feel depends on your personality as much as a real rollercoaster does.

I wish I could find out how I donate mood icons. Im getting pretty good Oo

Order of Inari won for Wiki Nomination! ^_^

Trying to open my love's heart is a hard struggle, but i know its more than worth it. I'll keep on trying as long as I can until she fully trusts in me. I'll love her forever and always, no matter what she may do to me, I'll do whatever makes her happy. I can feel her heart in mine still, I know she loves me to, I just have to undo the locks she puts around herself and proove that her heart doesnt lie when it tells her so.

Trying to open my love's heart is a hard struggle, but i know its more than worth it. I'll keep on trying as long as I can until she fully trusts in me. I'll love her forever and always, no matter what she may do to me, I'll do whatever makes her happy. I can feel her heart in mine still, I know she loves me to, I just have to undo the locks she puts around herself and proove that her heart doesnt lie when it tells her so.

The wheel of fate is turning turning
Sorrows, confusion, longing, yearning
Happy times and happy days
Sadder hours and darkest days
Ive had my share of each of these
Fate is changing like the breeze
Just when you think you understand
Everything changes, it shifts like sand
Mountains to valleys, hills to oceans
I eagerly ride its ceaseless motions
For there is one thing fate cant do
And thats to take hope and love from you.

So hyper... so bored... I want to draw... I have something to draw but since I don't know if I'm gonna use it for the special x-tra big paper I got I can't draw it yet... All my friends are logging on now but no ones talking... must go cause more chaos in Broken Insanity or whatever its called... MWEEEEE! (Deranged has me addicted to saying that alot Xx)

Its rather weird when you have an imagination for inventing wiki pages. But some of these just seem too obvious. For example, (at this time) can you believe NO ONE has claimed Ice Cream?!?

Well, now its official. Im dumped with no chance to be forgiven. -sighs- At least Im weird enough to get over it quickly. I waste another day arguing over the facts, trying to get her to see my perspective and my story, for no reason at all. Thats it, I'm done killing myself. Im done too. Just screw it all. I'll get over it.

disclaimer: this journal entry WILL ruin your day if you choose to read it, is full of negatively suggestive concepts, obscene language, and whatever you call it when your killing a mood. starts with an A i think... oh yeah, angst i think it is. basically im spilling my dark twisted thoughts into a public diary entry.

anyhow, as unlikely as it is that its possible to, please enjoy ^^


Oh what fun! more drama ^^ why am i happy? I DONT KNOW! =D oh wait, tis cuz the emotional pain bwoke my widdle hawrt intwo withing shawds of purre agononmy an' suffewing! so im emotionally dead (again =P) till my heart can regrow. At least this temporary insanity and emotionlessness let me rant and rave my inner demons out to the one who i love so very much and will always love, but who has a bad habit of making me feel like im never enough, replaceable, and otherwise worthless ^^ hey, after 4 times of being kicked from "eternal love" to "backup boyfriend" ya get used to it ^^ maybe my emotions arent as shut off as i thought. Maybe i just dont care anymore. i still feel a fanatic, earthshaking love for her. ah thats it! forgot that happens. sometimes when i love her so much, i dont care what she does to me. I love her so much that ill never ever be able to stop it, no matter how much it hurts, no matter the cost, no matter the pain, no matter the hopelessness of the endevor, ill love you forever. Maybe she should read that childrens story, "Ill love you forever" and maybe she can feel a slight twinge of emotion.
whats that? im being a cold b@$t@rd? thanks! thats what people see when someone speeks their innermost thoughts. i guess im just spilling some of my inner demons out. i guess 15 years of self sacrifice and an additional year and a half of seemingly futile, downright massochistic unrequited love for her, with all the pain, sorrow and the like all rolled into one demonic, surpressed mass of all mans suffering and stuffed into one person, at times ill let a little bit of it spill out. yah, you heard me, this is what happens when just a tiny bit gets out. 99% of it is still repressed. scary, huh? oh well, thats all ya can expect from a self-hating mentally unstable FREAK OF NATURE like me. say yah, eh? yeah i heard you, you said "i totally agree." no, that denial that you have doesnt tell me anything like its supposed to, since its sorta like hoping a nerf dart will kill a grizzly bear. try giving me some sympathy thats at LEAST a decent throwing dart worth. what? still not working? yup. cuz its hopeless. darn. locked into an inescapable prison of self hate. ill get busy on surpressing that too. well, see ya when im sane, unless i remain crazy long enough to see why they describe vicious deep cuts as "burning". provided i find neither that rifle real/loaded, those pretty colored chemicals rather tasty when mixed in a bowl, or whether or not the nuices ive seen in cartoons actually work when they're tied that way. long goodbye, eh? oh stop panicking, i may be a self-hating, troubled little child but im also a fat bastard and total pussy, to be Foamy-style blunt. Ill never have the courage to do anything like that to myself. Ill drag myself back in this emotional field of razors over and over, and all i'll ever say, provided that those razors also burn when they cut, is "its a little hot in here". Feel free to take a break from reading this to message me, get a snack, do a dance, put on your favorite tunes, jerk off to your porn stash, or whatever ya do. im just gonna continue in my self-hating rant for a while. im good at it too.
Lets see, im worthless, annoying, mentally unstable, hopeless, perverted, psyco on about 3 of the 7 levels (ill probably earn the 4th after this) one of THE SHITTIEST handwriters ever, living proof its better to be lucky than smart, or lucky than intelligent. No one can deny this 228, 5'9" sack of crap is fatter than the pillsbury doughboy. Stack onto that the plethora of quirks i have, just a tiny part of them shown physically, but still enough to give ya a good "what the FUCK?!?" at me. im not really a good artist too. my stuff is crap. the only reason it could ever be praised at all is at least i try, the massochist i am, craving to draw in full knowledge of the fact that the only reason "im a good artist" is because im better than people with NO talent. wow. im a good-for-barely-anything. that makes me so happy, i feel like taking a long walk off of a short, tall object. hey, maybe i can get a world record for "fastest decent down the outside of a skyscraper"! they say the only way to be famous is to die. hey, i know! itd also make me a great artist! they can call the giant splat mark and crater from where my fat shattered the earth "modern art" and sell me for the hightest price anyone would be willing to pay for me! $3 for the broken sack of crap! any takers? sold! oh, sorry nevermind, they recognized me and instantly withdrew their bid, demanding i should pay them for threatening them with such a cruel waste of 300 cents.

and of course the finale. its called the "its all my fault, and no one denies it" rant =) in the course of my life on the game server battle.net many MANY MANY MANY things went wrong. total of 8 rp kids i had, all driven away from me except for one who i later hurt VERY badly emotionally in a mistake that ALSO hurt someone who i hold extremely close extremely badly. so bad im back to "backup boyfriend" as previously mentioned. Looking back, i realized. Im the center of it all, nothing ever went badly wrong unless it involved me. The kids? all my fault. unappreciated and aggrivated by me. i drove them away from jess. my fault points =) other people putting themselves through hell. for who? useless old me, since im such a motherfucker no one can see how bad i really am, they all of course were tricked into caring about me, only to be put through hell by, yup, me, until they were about to finally leave and get their lives back together until, wow you guessed it, i convinced them to stay, and either screwed 'em over even worse or screwed them over even more than i would in variety A by also screwing their friends over. its a contagious web of my faults! trusted some looser i should NEVER have trusted? now everyones sad (for some unknown reason) since they think im dead. im such a bitch i let a similar thing happen again. now i got some chick in US West who clicks my site, tells everyone how im "leaving that bitch for her", posts my name from off of my freewebs page, and without ever telling me about any of that, makes friends with the very person i supposedly am leaving (and never will, even after all this that im talking about here) and feeds her that bullshit that i coulda prevented if i wasnt such a pathetic bastard. If i coulda waited for friends to show up on us east to talk to, i wouldnt have to go to us west and find some skank that weaves me into her fucking web for the person i care for more than any other to fall into. new high score for my fault points. anyhow, thats just that tiny 1% of the demon getting out. He could go on but hes being supressed. The regular me probably wont delete this since as horrible and disturbing as it is, he cant deny, as much as he might want to, that its all true.

wow, that last entry was fun. anyhow, its all supressed and stuff so, unless your one of those nice people who should be in Anthro Angels you'll never know whats up with me. To the entire world im nice and happy and all again. Feel free to pretend like you never read my inner feelings if you've read it. in that case you can go kill yourself. I get rather pissed off when people think they're gonna make me feel better by not bringing up what i feel bad about. i only feel bad when you drag up things against me. if people would OCCASIONALLY listen to MY feelings for a change, maybe i wouldnt be developing this extreeme bipolar complex. thats overstating it a little bit though. ill spell it out clearly; what id like is for people to talk to me about this stuff without 1)giving me guilt 2)chewing me out for it 3) pretending like what i says doesnt matter since i can just deal with it.

Aiyah. Xx survived the stress crap once again. ugh >< now im really hungry/sleepy.

its not working... it wont go away... why wont it go away... what the hell... cant... stop... shaking... why... fate... again... my hearts walking another razor edge... it shouldnt but it is... i thought it had gone... it... and... but................................

...Something doesn't feel right... why is my impending doom radar blinking like that... whats going on... why cant i stop myself from shaking... cant go crazy now... now isnt a good time for this... whats wrong with this picture... it doesnt add up... what the hell... gotta distract myself with something... more history of inari stuff will do, gotta finish those character pages up