I'm worried. I seem to be drifting away... And I'm not even drifting to anywhere else. I keep finding myself staring blankly at the cream white ceiling, examining the imperfections in the drywall roof carpeting. I find myself sleeping more and more, but staying up later every night. I don't know what to draw anymore, and what I draw scares me or is so, well, risque, that I wouldn't dare to try and post it on here, and as 'yiffy' a person as I am I'm amazed I'd draw stuff like this. I'm even starting to draw it at school. I dont dare keep it, the vixens (many of them literally so) all find their way to the trash can and sometimes even the dumpster directly, I'm so afraid they might accidentally be found when emtyping the trashcan in my room. I don't even know WHY im drawing this stuff. My mind is constantly blank; sometimes I'll look down and see this beautiful, naked form on the page and think to myself, how did this get here and why? I haven't gotten any homework done in two weeks and my grades are starting to tank. I find myself backsliding rapidly, loosing my motivation, enthusiasm, inspiration, slowly becoming a brooding figure prone to outbursts of hyperactivity followed by lulls of complete depression and exhaustion. I want to stay cheerful and optimistic but even my enthusiasm and motivation for this is slipping. *Sighs* I gotta get some sleep now, if I can. Ten minutes later I'll catch myself drawing 3 or 4 mating fox anthros or something trashy like that.

*starts leaking angst everywhere*

Ugh >< Yesterday I worked almost all day, then was so tired I couldn't get up off of the couch to get my laptop for half an hour and by them it was 8:30, paula has to get off at 8:00. So then I tried to check up on stuff online. I got about 5 minutes done before I basically lapsed into a coma until this morning when my mom woke me up. She says she had to use a glass of water to do it, but I'm so damned sleepy I can't even remember. My hands ache like crazy. They're filled with thistle needles, splinters, and bits of dirt and other assorted gardenwork crap. Its the pain thats keeping me awake, I think x_x

I love you so much Paula! I miss you vV!

*winces* ow x.o I've been pulling weeds and stuff like that all day. My dads giving us a 30 minute break before we go out and do it some more. Fate is an evil b*stard for conspiring against me spending time with my Paula like this! Xx

I'm on way too late tonight... FINLAND! *mutters something about flapjacks and waffles* Do I Dare Do tha Dew? *drinks some Mountain Dew and looses all sense of sanity due to its legeandary effects on people who stay up too late*

Okay. I'm REALLY depressed now. I've managed to somehow miss Paula all day by about half an hour at a time, I've got major empathetic depression from listening to the sorrows of others, and have been listening to Enya's "Only Time" (see previous diary entry) all day.

I want my Paula v.v
---<-<@

I got to see my beloved angel Paula today! ^_^ I'll have to remember that, to get her to be on, I have to plan to not come on that day x.o *snuggles his sweet angel and mate to him possessively* she's gotta use the library computers though, so now thats her and jess both making use of the things i both bless and curse at the same time for being there but not for long enough or in private

Well, this is my 200th time writing a diary or guestbook entry. Looking around me, I don't see what I used to. I have to fight tooth-and-claw for any kind of art inspiration. I'm sad and can be moody since I really miss my Paula, its been approaching a week since I last really got to talk to her v.v *sighs* I might as well make use of this free time and write more of my story. And get a snack. Damn I'm starving. Time for food for stomach instead of food for thought. My brain is getting picky and eats way too much to be healthy x.o sorta like me. Myah. Must listen to the numa numa song and check up on my online comics. Oh and write.

Wootness. Ive made the Daily_Poem half a dozen times already. And ive gotten underway for writing act 2. May start more of the chapters soon.

NEW FOAMY 'TOON! (warning, he swears a f***cking sh*tload in this one) http://www.illwillpress.com/channel.html
ALL HAIL THE POWER OF FOAMY!!! \vv|, ^_^ .|vv/

Five times the Daily Poet ^^ Now I have become *dramatic lighting clicks on* A Master Poet! *fanfare*

VNV Nation - Beloved

it's colder than before
the seasons took all they had come for
now winter dances here
it seems so fitting don't you think?
to dress the ground in white
and grey

it's so quiet I can hear
my thoughts touching every second
that I spent waiting for you
circumstances afford me
no second chance to tell you
how much I've missed you

my beloved do you know
when the warm wind comes again
another year will start to pass
and please don't ask me why I'm here
something deeper brought me
than a need to remember

we were once young and blessed with wings
no heights could keeps us from their reach
no sacred place we did not soar
still greater things burned within us
I don't regret the choices that I've made
I know you feel the same

my beloved do you know
how many times I stared at clouds
thinking that I saw you there
these are feelings that do not pass so easily
I can't forget what we claimed was ours

moments lost though time remains
I am so proud of what we were
no pain remains, no feeling
eternity awaits
grant me wings that I might fly
my restless soul is longing
no pain remains, no feeling
eternity awaits

Well, while sitting around waiting hopefully for my mate Talon to come back, sketching random stuff, and listening to the Numa Numa song at reduced speed (which sounds really cool suprisingly Oo) I started to unofficially plan writing the second part of my story ^^ look for me to start some kinda work on it in the next week! Anyhow, time to go let Wind Waker steal away a few more hours of my life.

Aaa! >< The Legend of Zelda: The Wind Waker just consumed 7 hours of my life x_x I get called upstairs for ice cream and I realized its time for bed! I didn't get back on in time to see Talon v_v CURSE YOU GANON!

Ive gotten my FOURTH Daily Poem, and its for my very first submission ^^

The Beat of My Soul

Well now its mostly official, until Chris (the faux-jess) gets the webcam we cant be entirely sure, and even there'll still be doubts somehow id bet. Shes leaving me and Talon alone, thank god. She may get back with Kat Oo

Okay, I dont know what the hell to do, whether to burst out laughing, be totally pissed, call it all true or a lie or what the bloody hell.
"Jess": i hate droping a big bomb on you but jess hasn't been on since that night you rejected her actually i don't know where she is all i know that is a pocket knife whatever she managed to save and her diary are gone even funnier i don't even know her am still in school and made a promise to her that i can't keep anymore i hoped i could but i can't when i get the webcam jess gave me i'll show you
Apparently jess has been gone ever since the big incident when i rejected her. Her friend Chris has been using her diary and stuff to take her place and try to get me back with her. Now he cant take the fake shit anymore and is telling me everything because he loves Jess as much as I love talon, but shes disappeared but is watching ET from a secret name. The fooling around with Andy and everyone was some sort of testing thing or something.
So now he wants me to go back with jess to lure her out, despite it not working last time. I'd have to take her back long enough to get the real jess to come out into the open so this guy whose so insanely in love with her that he did all of this for her can find her and get her back to realize shes got no more chance with me. Went with andy to get her pissed enough to show herself but she never did. Whoops. Well, at least after this entry she should know she doesnt stand any chances with me anymore.

Well either this is another one of Jess's sisters, or alot of stuff is seriously f-ed up again. Meh, all I know is I'm not gonna get involved. I'm staying with Talon no matter what, if there was any tiny doubt in my mind before its gone now. I will always always always ALWAYS choose Talon, my greatest and truest love.

Heres the actual Yahoo chat.
wesfoxx: another funny thing.
wesfoxx: if your leaving, then why break me and talon up?
wesfoxx: if your gone i couldnt take you back if i wanted to
wesfoxx: no matter how hard you try you will not break me and her up.
Lilly : i hate droping a big bomb on you but jess hasn't been on since that night you rejected her actually i don't know where she is all i know that is a pocket knife whatever she managed to save and her diary are gone even funnier i don't even know her am still in school and made a promise to her that i can't keep anymore i hoped i could but i can't when i get the webcam jess gave me i'll show you
wesfoxx: er
wesfoxx: riiight
wesfoxx: when your done with multiple personality theater e_e
wesfoxx: try speeking in actual english
Lilly : it hasn't even been her since that night you'll see i speak true when i get the webcam fixed
wesfoxx: you know an awful lot for someone who isnt her.
Lilly : thats because i always loved her but you were always there and i went to her and tried to cheer her up i'm just a shadow to her that doesn't have a chance to love her
wesfoxx: then that, my friend, make you one pathetic piece of shit.
Lilly : only things i've ever said is hi and bye from running into her =/
wesfoxx: well then drop the act, drop the bullshit, and go to her you fucking dumbass.
Lilly : thats just it i can't because i have no idea where the hell she is =/
Lilly : she never showed up =/
wesfoxx: then stop being a puppet
wesfoxx: live your freakin' irl life.
wesfoxx: stop trying to be someone else online
Lilly : i was doing it for her if i didn't have a chance with her then i figured you two were perfect =/
wesfoxx: telling the truith or telling a really fucked up lie, just go away. we werent perfect
wesfoxx: thats why we arent together
wesfoxx: and why i can be happier with talon than i ever was with her.
Lilly : then help me find her and all f ths bullshit will end
wesfoxx: if you can respect her for loving me so much to do all this faking to be someone shit, then just drop it all.
wesfoxx: e.e what the bloody fuck am i supposed to do?
wesfoxx: im a nobody living in nowhere indiana, with no friends, contacts, or social connections
Lilly : to her your everything though because she won't let go so i know she'll show herself if you asked about her =/
wesfoxx: so let me get this straight
wesfoxx: shes hidden and gone and stuff
wesfoxx: you dont know where
wesfoxx: but somehow
wesfoxx: by me saying id go out with her again
wesfoxx: she'll magically reappear.
Lilly : nono not that e.e
wesfoxx: next i suppose ill chant in latin and make her appear in a cloud of smoke,
Lilly : just ask about her or say you'd like to see her again
wesfoxx: and how would she know?
Lilly : all i know is she has a new furc i.d. and a new ET i.d.
wesfoxx: how can she know if shes completely disappeared.
Lilly : she disappeared from me
wesfoxx: then ask around and find her e.e
Lilly : because i'm trying to get her to let you and talon be happy
Lilly : but now i can't even confront her
wesfoxx: then stop trying to get me and talon to be UNhappy O_o
Lilly : thats why i said i was leaving
Lilly : i can't play her game anymore
wesfoxx: if you love her and care about me and talon
Lilly : i talked to her for hrs and hrs after you told her off and she would not stop saying i can't love anyone else and i kept trying to get her to see that it was OVER
wesfoxx: then stop making stuff up, go find her irl
wesfoxx: show her whats happened, the facts.
wesfoxx: then again
Lilly : i don't know where she's went thats why i need you
wesfoxx: if shes watching ET
wesfoxx: she can see that i obviously am serious.
Lilly : thats what she can't accept she needs someone else to pick her up after being told thats what i want to do
wesfoxx: whats your name?
wesfoxx: and im posting a diary entry on this whole thing. she'll see it.
Lilly : chris i've known her when she was in highschool but not even as a friend always behind her always following her but she would never notice me
Lilly : i'm sorry i've lied to you like this i love you like you love talon
Lilly : her*
wesfoxx: O_o
wesfoxx: *shudder*
Lilly : sorry about that lmao
wesfoxx: *shudders worse*
Lilly : i love her like you love talon
wesfoxx: if your story checks out that makes two times x.x
wesfoxx: damnit
wesfoxx: shim me one, shame on you. shim me twice, shame on me Xx
Lilly : i was doing what she wanted
wesfoxx: im just ranting.
Lilly : i can't do that anymore
Lilly : i don't really even know you
Lilly : all i know is from what she would say about you
wesfoxx: okay now explain this, this has me most obviously puzzled.
wesfoxx: why the fake dump-take back thing?
Lilly : thats my mistake i was supposed to tell her you took HER back
wesfoxx: if you were acting for her why not take me back and stay instead of letting all of this happen?
wesfoxx: it all started when you ran off with andy xX
wesfoxx: this whole shim sham
wesfoxx: *cough*
Lilly : thats what i was uspposed to do but then i saw if you somehow rejected her i could cheer her up and she would notice me
Lilly : only problem is that didn't work =/
wesfoxx: then theres no point in me taking her back.
Lilly : she loves you and won't let go aric =/
wesfoxx: it didnt lure her out into the open last time, did it? =/
Lilly : it would have if i would of told her..but i wanted her not what would make her happy =/
wesfoxx: im still miffed as to why you went for andy when i would have been happy to stay blissfully unaware
Lilly : i was hoping jess would notice and she'd get pissed and try to stop me =/
Lilly : thats why before i said she never hsowe dup
Lilly : it did get her pissed but she never came =/
wesfoxx: hsowe dup?
wesfoxx: ag
Lilly : showed up * i hate computers
wesfoxx: nvm
wesfoxx: lol
wesfoxx: i translated it.
Lilly : it completely pissed her off
wesfoxx: so you also got her to hate you for that.
Lilly : i get told she wants to kick my ass i show up she never fucking comes
wesfoxx: is there ANY logic to why we shouldn't let the whole thing die since everyone seems to loathe eachother now?
Lilly : this is what i want
Lilly : i want her to be able to keep her friends all of them for her to accept you and talon are friends and for her to be your friend and not try and fuck you two up i want her to pay attention to me
Lilly : thats why i thought up the i'm leaving thing but i know i can't find her on my own
wesfoxx: well, read the diary entry.
Lilly : i don't want her to lose her friends i just want her to give me a chance
Lilly : or at least to not hide from me and have you and the others as friends
wesfoxx: sorry to break it to you, but because of her whole thing with her nonexistant sister, this kind of stuff is treated with very heavy scepticism
Lilly : you'll help me though right? for her sake at least?
wesfoxx: Well, if by help you mean post your story in a public diary entry than yes.
wesfoxx: if you mean help as in dump talon on a gamble to get her back to you when if you would stop keeping her image alive, none of us would be being hurt right now, no.
wesfoxx: if you stop, call off all the shit, let it drop, and find her irl
wesfoxx: we're all alot happier.
Lilly : all i want is for you to be her friend and the others to stay her friend
wesfoxx: cut the crap, stop the shit and dump the drama.
wesfoxx: If you keep trying to work the fake identity shes going to loose them.
Lilly : thats why i've stoped
wesfoxx: good.
Lilly : and thats why i told you this
Lilly : i can't play her game anymore this isn't her she has just lost it or something
wesfoxx: yeah, so has the character of her you've created.
Lilly : thats why i'm getitng out before i cuase more damage