i give up....thats simply it...im tired of it all..i dont care about myself anymore well i do to an extent but not really..i could do anything i want to, to myself and i wouldnt regret it or even care.........its stupid and gay but i really dont care anymore....all i want to do is to drink as much as i can and smoke as much as i can......but truthfully all i want is someone who cares about me...i dont even have that...i guess when i do find that someone then ill be ok but for not...my life is shit.....its not worth bein here to be honest...i just dont want to be here...i want to leave and never come back....thats how i feel right now....i feel like dying...right about now....and i just cant help it...i try to think all happy but how can you when you have nothing to be happy about? i hate myself, i hate myself, i hate myself.........bye

SUGAR, WERE GOIN DOWN-FALL OUT BOY

Am I more than you bargained for yet
I've been dying to tell you anything you want to hear
Cause that's just who I am this week
Lie in the grass, next to the mausoleum
I'm just a notch in your bedpost
But you're just a line in a song
(A notch in your bedpost, but you're just a line in a song)


Drop a heart, break a name
We're always sleeping in, and sleeping for the wrong team


We're going down, down in an earlier round
And Sugar, we're going down swinging
I'll be your number one with a bullet
A loaded god complex, cock it and pull it


We're going down, down in an earlier round
And Sugar, we're going down swinging
I'll be your number one with a bullet
A loaded god complex, cock it and pull it


Is this more than you bargained for yet
Oh don't mind me I'm watching you two from the closet
Wishing to be the friction in your jeans
Isn't it messed up how I'm just dying to be him
I'm just a notch in your bedpost
But you're just a line in a song
(Notch in your bedpost, but you're just a line in a song)


Drop a heart, break a name
We're always sleeping in, and sleeping for the wrong team


We're going down, down in an earlier round
And Sugar, we're going down swinging
I'll be your number one with a bullet
A loaded god complex, cock it and pull it
[X2]


Down, down in an earlier round
And Sugar, we're going down swinging
I'll be your number one with a bullet
A loaded god complex, cock it and pull it


We're going down, down in an earlier round
And Sugar, we're going down swinging
I'll be your number one with a bullet
A loaded god complex, cock it and pull it


We're going down, down (down, down)
Down, down (down, down)
We're going down, down (down, down)
A loaded god complex, cock it and pull it


We're going down, down in an earlier round
And Sugar, we're going down swinging
I'll be your number one with a bullet
A loaded god complex, cock it and pull it

why do people contradict themselves? they say "they dont know me they cant judge me" well how can you say that if you do that to other people? i just dont see it you cant expect people not to talk about you if your gonna dress and act the way you do....why cant everyone just be themselves and maybe just maybe people can actually say they like you for you.....you cant be someone your not for ever its impossible...i know because ive tried to be someone im not and well it didnt work to well...i got myself caught in so many lies and i just made myself look stupid and then i learned.....you dont have to impress anyone be yourself and if someone dont like you then its their problem not yours......and it took me some time to learn that.....and thats why (if anyone cares) i act the way i do, i dont care about little stuff like money, what kind of car you drive, how hot a guy is, how my friends dress, all i care about is...is that my friends like me for who i am..not for who they want me to be or what they think i am or anything else for that matter....well im done here....dont ask questions this diary entry isnt aimed at anyone person or group of persons.....

well...im not totally sure why supposedly EVERYONE hates me..but im gonna be a bitch and say I DONT GIVE A FUCK if you dont like me KISS MY ASS if you dont like me then dont talk to me simple as that dont pretend to be my friend when your really not....i will find out who my true friends are...hell one of my true friends is someone i just met like last week and hes actually nice to me and helps me with my problems thats more than i can say for some of you...and tillie thank you so much for helpin me not make the worst decision in my life you will always be my friend no matter what..

its an awesome song..i love it, it means so much to me...only if you would understand it


BREAKING BENJAMIN- RAIN

Take a photograph,
It'll be the last,
Not a dollar or a crowd could ever keep me here,


I don't have a past
I just have a chance,
Not a family or honest plea remains to say,


Rain rain go away,
Come again another day,
All the world is waiting for the sun.


Is it you I want,
Or just the notion
Of a heart to wrap around so I can find my way around


Safe to say from here,
Your getting closer now,
We are never sad cause we are not allowed to be


Rain rain go away,
Come again another day,
All the world is waiting for the sun.


Rain rain go away,
Come again another day,
All the world is waiting for the sun.


To lie here under you,
Is all that I could ever do,
To lie here under you is all,
To lie here under you is all that i could ever do,
To lie here under you is all,


Rain rain go away,
Come again another day,
All the world is waiting for the sun.


Rain rain go away,
Come again another day,
All the world is waiting for the sun,
All the world is waiting for the sun,
All the world is waiting for the sun.

whats with all of the high school kids acting the way that they do? its like im not even in high school any more.....its more like either a zoo or a childs day care i havent decided which one....but they both fit very well, and im better than all of that shit anyway. im to the point to where i want to say fuck school fuck talkin to any one in school...and people wonder why i dont talk to people my age? well heres your fuckin reason.....all high school kids are so FUCKING IMATURE.....all of them are....

i am so tired of all this shit....i cant go fuckin bowling or anywhere she is.....and its not like im gonna do anything with him anyway not yet.....im just tired of 1 certain person tellin me that i HAVE to stay away from him meaning i cant talk to him or have anything to do with him.....shes the psycho one..she knows he cheats on her...she needs to do something about it.....hello! i never knew he had a girlfriend...thats why i was flirting with him in the first place...i didnt know and shes all over my ass because of it.....fuck it......im out

i hate this im so sick of it...no more...never again dont expect me to do anything any more i like to smoke yes but no more anything that goes with it especially if i go to school with them or know someone who goes to school with them....why do i do it? why? im just hurting myself i guess i just think that if no one knows then it wont go around...i dont know but people will think what they will and i should know that by now but i guess i dont....its all shitty now and i really need to quit it....ahhhhhh......im tired of people gettin in my business....they need to stop its my life and i will live it as i please no commentary from anyone...and for those of you who dont like me KISS MY ASS!!!! FUCK YOU...AND I HOPE YOU DIE.....GO TO FUCKIN HELL!!!!! i dont get it why start rumors...they just hurt people if you hear something ignore it....its that simple.....FUCK EVERYONE GO TO HELL IM THROUGH WITH TALK TO A BUNCH OF PEOPLE THEY JUST PISS ME OFF.....AND PEOPLE WONDER WHY I HANG OUT WITH GUYS...LESS FUCKIN DRAMA THATS WHY.....

fuckin bored...damnit....im at home with nothin to do..i should be doin my chemistry homework but i can wait til tomorrow and go to tutoring and do it....damn i really need to stop goin out all the time...but then again i hate my house.....i cant wait til we move maybe ill like our new house...cuz this ones a piece of shit and its weird felling and way way to small for me.....its horrible......yes i am moving but not like you think i am were just moving to a different house either on edna or huaco one of the 2.....i really think were gonna move to the one one edna cuz its bigger and prettier and i can have a pool table in there..my mother said so....so instead of everyone payin 3 dollars a person and 15 dollars a table it be free...but ill have to wait til I GET A JOB....ewww working its sucks ass but it'l give me something to do....

i know i said yes to goin out with him but i just dont see it working....he doesnt know me very well and i the same...i mean i like the guy alot i just want to wait until i get to know him better before i go out with him...it just makes more sense to me

I NEED HELP!!!!!! alot of you already knew that though......

what to do....... what to do.....i really dont know yet

bored to tears cuz im at school with nothing to do were watching the same fuckin movie in 2 of my classes and im so tired of it but its better than work i suppose......

why does all of this have to happen to me.....i dont get it i didnt mean to hurt anyone especially a certain person and im sorry if i did.....i had no intention of doin that to you......none at all......shit shit shit shit......(as you can tell im kinda fucked up in the head right now and i cannot help it...i need to fix a bunch of problems that i have with myself but i just cant seem to find my way to do it...i am hoping that i can find someone to help me with that) i need someone anyone to help me i dont know how but i need it...i need a friend that can help because god knows that the friends i had werent good for me...and i just hope that troy michael kristein amanda JT darrell chad and andrew are going to be good for me cuz i really need them but i just started hangin out with them so i dont want to put all of this shit on them...which i belive i have but im gonna stop...im gonna start over or try to.....it just upsets me to think about what ive been doing and what its gonna do to me later.......im a piece of worthless piece of shit....... with a tendency to fuck shit up for a lot of ppl.....

if you stop and look around you notice that you know more than you thought....i remember when i first moved here i didnt know anyone and so i decided to get on elftown...i met deadguy on here somehow and started talkin to him and never really met him and then all of a sudden im hangin out with the same people he does....i would go to his page just to see if i knew any of the people in his pictures and well then i didnt and now i know everyone of them with the exception of one...but my point is is that how can you not see anything good until it A leaves you or B hits you in the back of the head and says HEY LOOK!!!- im confused to all hell and i dont understand it but i guess im not supposed too....fuck it

i am fuckin tired as shit....and i cant get my gages to come off..they wont unscrew...ill be able to eventually and i might have to go to duckys house and get her to take them off for me again...anyways different subject last night i met andrew A.K.A. "poof" and troy and kristeins boyfriend amanda and amandas bf and someone else....we were at shooters playin pool...it was fun i beat poof with out even tryin cuz after the 2nd or 3rd shot he put in the 8-ball so i won...he lost...and he plays more than i do....it was funny....i got to make fun of him for it later.....hahahaha

well..one act was awesome.....waco high had 3 people get honorable mention and had 2 people get all star cast..it was cool but we didnt advance which sucks ass...A&M Consolidiated and Temple advanced but they both deserved it both of their plays rocked....A&M did Romeo & Juliet and Temple did some french play but it was awesome too....and temple got best actor and actress which was understandable...but anyway.....now for my actual life and not the one that i wish i had......i am totally done being nice to her i give up and i even apologized to her because i was truly sorry and i meant every word of that apology and yet she doesnt give a shit about what it meant....i was being nice to her...well doin her a favor and not talking to her not saying anything to her and then she turns around and is bein a bitch about me wantin to take a pic of becca wearing her mask......get over it i wasnt gonna touch the damn mask i just wanted to take a fucking picture not steal the damn thing...do you really think i want to take something that is yours..you may try to sue me or something.....and again i am gonna try to apologize to her but after that i give up i really do...i am usually in a good mood and then you have to show up and give me this fuckin go to hell look or just do something to delibritly piss me off just to see what i will do...i wont fight you and i wont say anything to you and if i do i am totally pissed off about it.....

well im totally bored...i have nothing to do im talkin to cort on aim but thats about it for now and im sorry about those who dont like him...kiss my ass hes an awesome person once u actually talk to him....but anyways if you have any idea what color i should die my hair then tell me cuz i want to know....because my mom is actually gonna let me color it whatever color i want too...awesome...shes also lettin me get my nose pierced yet again..woot.....

llew mi derob...tnac uoy llet....dan mi niod siht yb ym fles..ahahahah...fi uoy nac dnatsrednu siht llet em...retal



(well im bored...cant you tell...and im doin this by my self..hahahaha... if you can understand this tell me...later)

and yet again my mouth has been my weakest link..yesterday i said some shit that i shouldnt have and i was bein mean to a certain person for no reason and i just hope she and he will forgive me...and i really was tryin to be nice to her i really was but just sometimes it just doesnt work all that well especially if im in a pissy mood already- she doesnt help much in that area....im still tryin to watch what i say around them cuz i really dont want anyone to hate me so i am tryin to keep it all to my self and just not say anything to her or about her...and im sorry i was bein mean to her yesterday i wasnt tryin to i didnt even realize i was doin it until sara told me i was and i was like shit not again (my mind likes to wander off and just start sayin shit and then when i decide to come back to reality people are mad at me because of stuff i said and i really dont realize im doin it and i wont know unless someone tells me that im doin it...... and i really didnt mean to snap at her in front of him or at all but she was makin me mad cuz i was tryin to talk to her and be nice to her but i guess she doesnt want that so i just got mad and started sayin shit that botherd me about her to her face just to show her how it felt to be yelled at for no reason and i guess it backfired on me and now im the bad guy but i guess thats what i get......but im tired of tryin to be nice to people who dont wanna be nice to me im always the nice person that just take what people have to say about me but with her its different and i guess its because me and her will never get along..i even knew i wasnt gonna like her the first time i met her but i was bein nice to her cuz i didnt know her and i still dont thats why im TRYIN to be nice but sometime i just cant do it...and yes i do have my little moods where im bitchy to certain people and she just happened to be the one that i was mad at, at the time and instead of takin it out on something i bitched at her for it and im so sorry that i did that i really didnt mean to and really didnt want to.....i dont want to turn into the psyco bitch that everyone already thinks of me as......im done with everything no more drinkin with people other than sara and smokin weed....im just tired of it all...never again will i be nice to anyone that dont deserve it if your not nice to me i wont be nice to you.....people want me to have a mental break down, dont they? there is only one thing that keeps me from not doin it and its the sole fact that i know everyone doesnt hate me but idk how long i can stand it.......