Well here I sit with the music of my old life playing. As each song comes on the memories linked to those songs play in my mind and thusly I become as a music video.

Pain and hurt are first and formost noticable. But thats not all that comes to the surface anymore. There is hope in there, there is light now and not so much darkness. God is on my mind, and alas so is my sin. My SIN that plagues me and guilts me with this new life.

Alas though that is the betterment of myself... as so it is when I fall and forget. I am a CHRISTIAN now. No longer that numb morbid, hardcore Goth.

I sit here alone. Wondering. Pondering. Thinking. Im worried about my brother actually. I dont know where he is and he just kinda dispeared when I was napping, recovering from last nights drinking. (My sin)

Kinda wish i was in town. Flirting with some girl. Or doing something half interetsing. Hell, If i repented and prayed, I could be leading someone to Jesus.

Fuck that dismal shit. That lame dismal meaningless teenaged bullshit. Im 20 years old. Lets act like it. Lets show the f-ing world.

Shivers run down my head as if a yoke were broken over it.
I feel the music pusling in my skin as God speaks to my heart. Yes, this is a wonderful, undescribable feeling. At last life is good, all is well and im on my way with my talents. Im no longer my own enemy, im no longer miserable. Figures... I found it all in the last place I looked, with the one I last expected to go to... God, and his kingdom.

Well I started acustic guitair lessons again. I learnt the lion sleeps tonight already. I want to learn sweet home alabama. Its just a simple, cool sounding song. Yeah, im still writing, which ill have to put up soon.... Hmmm maybe I should spend some cash and get some new works up in here, update my house and all that. Ive been workin hard on my bass as well, relearning the basics and teaching myself better technique. In a couple years I should be putting my own songs together, who knows maybe sooner. I do know this though. If I had only stuck with it all when I first started when I was 13, everything would be different now thats for sure. Perhaps though that is why it was the way it was. Maybe my destiny would have been different and i may have not come to God. Everything is for a reason and thusly I have no reason to look back, to regret or think of where I could be now. Simply focus on now, live today for what its worth and let tomorrow worry about its self. Yeap, one day at a time, walking with God through life. Thats how its done, thats how goals are met and dreams are made reality. Praise God and Jesus. 

Well, ive been dreaming of you, I supose ill call you soon and check in on you... See how your doing... Even though the last time I wrote, it was about you and well... theres the reaction and what not... any way... moving on and outward... peace. and Godbless.

Allow me to indulge in this Korn song. Such a sweet melodic sound of misery and angst. Perfect. Thats what I feel now. Sin away Christin Warrior, let them all see that you too are still a mere human struggling with it all. 

And then that thought "Why do I do this"
And the reply, "Because you know better and have been called."

A battle.

Another thought: upon examing the above (looks up) I see that old familair me, that morbid mind. That, dramatic, moody, broody me... Something only a female brings out in me

and damn it! It be her! The one! HER OF ALL OF THEM!
Rose in my hand as a means to rebuild the bridge, but no. She insisted on throwing fuel onto the bridge and then she, herself struck the match and gleefully flung it onto the brittle wood. We both watched it burn, and in the end, through the haze of smoke, SHE POINTED THE FINGER AT ME, AND SAID,"this is your doing, its your fault, just like it was then."

ARRRRRRRE WHY DOES IT EAT AT ME. i know its not true. perhaps that is. THE DESPERATION TO PROVE IVE LEARNT BETTER AND IM TRULY DIFFERENT. WHY DOES SHE CHOOSE NOT TO SEE IT.
She clings to the past hurts, the pain and anger. She is afraid i know, she even admited it. But still how is it then that i am the acused of being the one who clings to the past? I want to REBUILD ANEW. A new friendship, not looking at the past! thats not clining to her or the past! Its starting over. Yet somehow, its me who hasnt goten over it? OH I GET IT! ITS NOT I WHO HAS DECIDED TO REMAIN HEART BROKEN, BITTER AND ANGERY! ITS NOT I WHO DECIDED TO JUST PRETEND LIKE IT ALL DIDNT HAPPEN, ITS NOT I WHO JUST WANTED TO FORGET IT, MOVE ON. NO BIGGIE!

But it was I, who went out of my way, used my time, to show her something so delicate and beautiful. Oh and did she ever notice, but only to watch even closer. Watch for me to slip up! The slightest little thing to set her off, and she'd throw it all away as if it were nothing. Well damn her and her magnifyiing glass of horrors. Because she found the crack in it all and tore it wide open. She shoved a tonn of dynamite in and blew it apart. Now here it all is, a broken little mess. Just as she wants it.

Toothpick anybody? this is all that remains.

But Ron wait... Mr WARRIOR (oh great hes mocking himself and talking in thrid person) you dont give up so easy do you? You dont let it just slip do you? You wont let the poision seep into your soul that easy will you?

NO I WONT, SWORD OF TRUTH IN HAND I RISE TO FIGHT ANOTHER DAY! I will do so becase they ARE BLIND the are IGNORANT. They dont know better and faith comes by hearing. Yeah sometimes I think they are deaf but I can speak REALLY LOUDLY. I do it because I care, I do it because I want to see all my friends and family - even enemies - even HER. in heaven one day.

I do it not for glory! Not to build me up! Not to steal the spotlight! Simply because it needs to be done! How else to change this world?! How else to afffect the minds of millions of youth? TAKE A STAND AND FIGHT SWORD IN HAND! subjecting myself to hate, hurt, misjudgment, lies and cruality. Beacuse someone needs to do it, someone needs to show what it is all really about. Someone needs to be real enough, humble enough... strong enough to put aside ones life and advance the kingdom of God. Yes. Thats why I do it. For God, because he called me... Because im his warrior... and so shall it remain...

Time to rebuild yet again. Ill start with this toothpick.

The most amazing Christmas I've ever had. Mind blowing, fun, Jesus filled. Right on, right on!

I want to share something with all of you, something that will challenge you. Christian, or not, what ever background you have. It is something to really think about. What I want to sare with you is best conveyed in these lyrics for a song called: Three wooden crosses. Well read these lyrics, maybe they will speak to your heart regardless of background, faith or race. Then read on to find out what my message is to you.

Three Wooden Crosses

A farmer and a teacher, a hooker and a preacher,
Ridin' on a midnight bus bound for Mexico.
One's headed for vacation, one for higher education,
And two of them were searchin' for lost souls.
That driver never ever saw the stop sign.
An' eighteen wheelers can't stop on a dime.

There are three wooden crosses on the right side of the highway,
Why there's not four of them, Heaven only knows.
I guess it's not what you take when you leave this world behind you,
It's what you leave behind you when you go.

That farmer left a harvest, a home and eighty acres,
The faith an' love for growin' things in his young son's heart.
An' that teacher left her wisdom in the minds of lots of children:
Did her best to give 'em all a better start.
An' that preacher whispered: "Can't you see the Promised Land?"
As he laid his blood-stained bible in that hooker's hand.

There are three wooden crosses on the right side of the highway,
Why there's not four of them, Heaven only knows.
I guess it's not what you take when you leave this world behind you,
It's what you leave behind you when you go.

That's the story that our preacher told last Sunday.
As he held that blood-stained bible up,
For all of us to see.
He said: "Bless the farmer, and the teacher, an' the preacher;
Who gave this Bible to my mamma,
Who read it to me."

There are three wooden crosses on the right side of the highway,
Why there's not four of them, now I guess we know.
It's not what you take when you leave this world behind you,
It's what you leave behind you when you go.

Maybe you got the idea, if not here it is. When you die what will you leave behind? What legacy? What are people going to remember you for? Is it being dark and bitter, self centered? Only caring about money or ones own personal gain? Sure some of us will leave behind books and songs, poetry and memories with friends and family. But when all those pages of writing have faded, when all the family and friends are dead. What have you left behind that can be passed on and on and on? What will you have put into this world, NO! what have you put into PEOPLE that will always be carried on? You see, buisnesses change as the next big idea comes along. Rock stars eventually fade out of style and usually end with some depressing stroy. Literature is great untel the times change, same as with stuctures one may have build. Again I ask you, what have you put into people that will always last? How will you be remembered? If you died tomorrow, what legacy have you left behind?

I promise you this, love is something for which one will always be rememberd, and love is best spelt T.I.M.E. Time, time spent with people you love. Sharing your life, as you put yourself aside. Learning, growing, and loving people is what will build a legacy like non other. How do you love beyond yourself? Ask Jesus into your heart.

Dont blink or you may miss what I meant.
Dont think or you will twist what I said.

The meaning behind me will help you see.
Im a methaphore callenging you to think.

Lifes not about the initial apearance.
Rather deeper, whats beneath the surface?

I dont care about your mind and what its selling.
Rather I'm looking at your heart and why it's rebelling.

No I wont buy that initial glance that decieves.
Im interested in the reasonings of your heart.

Go ahead and spit on me and the truth of wisdom.
For wisdom is shown right in the lives of those who live it.

So I see you have it all figured out.
So Ill stand back and patiently wait.

When your broken, lost and so afraid to live life.
You will be reminded of the one who spoke so profound.

That one thing that was spoken, sticking to you.
No matter what you cant seem to shake it off.

So now your understanding maybe a little bit.
Tired of always accepting whats on the surface?

Finally ready to take a peak at the depth of it all?
First, I require for you to leave your mind at the door.

This trek is all about the core of ones being.
The place where charachter is made in truth.


Truth being a reality proven by tried wisdom.
Wisdom that is birthed in the heart and not,
the mind.

logging this now, updating my house...

A brief bit about me and what I've come through. This is a mere taste of my testimony.

I was born into a world of violence and neglect. My mother was 16 when she had me my dad was only 17. My dad peaced out and my mother tried to raise me and my 2 younger bro's till she was 20. I was 4 by then and had suffered by that point every abuse possible. Sexual, mental, physical, verbal and everything else under the sun. Upon going into social services for foster home placement, there was a evaluation done on how "stable" I was as a 4 year old. Needless to say it wasn't good. By age 4 I had developed post traumatic stress disorder...Something war vets get from being in a war. My mind was traumatized from the violence and neglect I had experienced. At the age of 4 I was placed into a foster home that was MUCH WORSE that living with my alcoholic/drug addicted mother who couldn't raise us. More beating ensued, more trauma. We were locked up in a sandbox daily and treated like wild animals. No need to go into detail there. That continued for 4 years until we were adopted by the current family I live with now. They are awesome people and great parents... But needless to say they were not professionals and had their shortcomings as well. Fast forward 8 years and im 16. A mid ranged teen who cant deal with rejection because of his mother. An outcast and quiet human. At this point I was well into a severe depression and was deep into suicidal tendancies. I was an insomniac, had 2 different stays in 2 different pshycwards. And was a schtizo, constantly hallucinating and talking to the other personality that had manifested after all those years of abuse. All the while I drank, popped pills and smoked an unmeasurable amount of pot. Well, these parents proved to be strong and caring and saw me through that hard time... 2 years later I take off to the city after getting through grade 12. Now im free and think I can do anything I want. And well I certainly did. (my old journals detail this lifestyle) I OD several times on ecstasy and other drugs. I was off the hook insane on drugs and totally destroying myself yet again. Just in another way. Well once again my life was out of control and I was depressed and ready to kick the bucket. It was shortly after I turned 19 (may 6)that I felt I had NOTHING LEFT TO LOOSE. Only a whole life to regain and finally try and truly live it the right way, as "living it to the fullest" had nearly destroyed me and clearly wasn't working. So that night, stoned, I prayed myself to sleep, and was immediately answered! I cried myself to sleep that night, as God comforted me that my future would now be alright. Since that night...My life has hit a turning point and thusly have been forever changed. Ive experienced deep mental healings. I've found true friends. I've found a loving spiritual mother who is mentoring me as well. I've put back together all the broken pieces that was me. I've had deliverances done to excorsize demons, including that other personality that had manifested. I've had many types of healings since and have learned much in the ways of forgiveness and love. I've been blessed with the gift of tongues and the ability to be a prophet of God. My very hands hold the power of God in them, and thusly is all the proof I need that He is real. But ultimatly the real proof he exists, is the DRAMATIC changes I've experienced and led in my life.

Why do I attract the other sex now that Christ is in my heart? Go figure God offers morals and standards to ones life to better themselves as a person. Everyone takes notice. Some get jelous and hate, some fall in love and come closer. Only to learn that its a Christlikeness, and that they themselves dont have that. Out of fear or misunderstanding of what and who God is, they back off.

Many simply do not no... and are confused by me.

Somthing I wrote for my friends and general youth.

Dear friends,
The fallowing letter is something from my heart to yours. I pray that it reaches your heart and not just your head. For I know many of you may already be thinking, “what is this crap?” Or “ I don’t want to read this all!” Well please bare with me and I promise it will be well worth your while. Some of you may not read past these lines, but I pray that at least some of you do. Those with intelligence enough to think and comprehend, which I believe is every last one of you, please read on. I will speak a bit on my own testimony, recent events and how it all applies to you. In this fallowing letter, there may be something that speaks to you, and very well could change your life one day, if you let it.

I am not doing this to get liked by you, to impress you, to make myself some public known figure. No, I am doing this out of a love for you, and God. I am doing this because I believe I have something to offer you, than many of you do not have. And no, it’s not JUST God, but rather a number of things. As I speak of my own experiences, please don’t assume that this is some public cry for sympathy. Rather see deeper and understand this is about where I was, and where I am now, and how this all happened. I will be making my self-vulnerable to you, as I share in humility my own experiences and testimonies.

To share in humility means to do something without pride, to let the pride go and to be humble. To open up for a greater cause, that being you, and not for my own desires or will. I do this to reach out and help, offer understanding to you. And again, I can almost here those thoughts “well what if I don’t need or want your help!” Well that very well may be, but will it honestly kill you to be humble with me and just read on? I highly doubt it, so lets get this started.

I’m going to start with a bit of my background to give you some understanding of my life growing up. Perhaps you will see yourself in some of these situations, and thusly maybe we will have something in common. A base on which we can build a mutual understanding around. So here we go.

My Past
I was born into a world of neglect and violence, my mother was 16 and my dad just 17. So needless to say, they knew nothing about how to raise kids, as they were kids themselves. My birthparents were drug addicts and drinkers. They were more concerned with getting drunk or high rather than looking after my younger brothers and me. Well eventually my dad took off and left my two younger brothers and me with my mom.
My mom tried raising us till she was about 20; about that time the booze and drugs really started getting to her. She had a nervous break down and social services got involved. I was placed in numerous homes before finally getting placed in a foster home, where I lived for four years. Funny how they figured this was a better home for us. While we were there, more abused ensued. They treated us like animals, locking us in a sandbox, not feeding us enough, and always punishing us harshly. This only screwed us up more.

At the time we were seeing therapists, they evaluated the damage done to us from neglect and abuse. Well at age 4, my brothers were younger; they diagnosed us with posttraumatic stress disorder. Something war vets suffer from, having experienced trauma in war. Fast forward 4 years and now I’m 8, a family has taken interest in adopting us all. Which is incredibly rare for the fact that we were three older boys who were poorly raised. (Most people like the little babies when they adopt.) Well these parents were different as they were kind and generous. They loved us properly and treated us right. Well even so, the damage had been done. I, being the oldest, was the most messed up from it all. By now, at this point my emotions had shut off
and I did not trust anyone. Well these parents did their best, but needless to say I was beyond their help to get the healing I needed in my life.

Fast-forward 8 years and now I’m a 16-year-old teenager. I’m doing drugs and trying to fit in, trying desperately to find out who I am and where I belong. The rejection by my birth mother played on me at every turn; every time I got into a relationship I got crushed when I was dumped. This only played on me more and soon I was worse than ever before. I suffered from a severe depression, suicidal tendencies, insomnia and slight schizophrenia. Constantly angered, and very easily, I began cutting myself. This got to the point where one night I nearly lost my life from blood loss. My dad caught me as I was going into shock and passing out, he dialed 911 and paramedics showed up. They began to asses me and as they did, they concluded that I needed oxygen to re-oxygenate my blood and get the blood count back up in me. I refused, and then they hauled me out to the hospital. I was stitched up and from there sent to a psyche –ward. This happened twice. Both times, they assessed and concluded that I had lost enough blood to die. Yet there I was, alive and not so well, but alive. (First time I started to think there must be a higher power looking after me) Well as my parents stuck close to me and still continued to love me, I got through that tough time. But even so my head wasn’t at all stable, and I still fought with depression and negative thoughts. (This resulted in the gothic period of my life.)

I Found God In Edmonton
Jump another 2 years and now I’m 18, I managed to finish grade 12 and was looking for the next step in life. I wanted to get away from home and live as an adult, independent and free. So I moved to Edmonton, where I met the wrong crowds and got into worse drugs. I got so into drugs and dealing, my life began to fall apart again. It resulted in another depression and a longing for something better. I began to realize I couldn’t live my life like that; it just wasn’t worth it. I began to think “there’s has to be more to life than drugs, drinking and getting laid”. I realized that I really felt alone, even amongst all my “buddies and friends”. As I began to realize, anybody would be your friend, if you have something for him or her, I knew what I really wanted. And that was to be loved, for who I am, and not what I have to offer.

Life got worse from there. Eventually my one roommate, whom I had grown close to, and I, kicked out our other 2 roommates. We had devised a plan for ourselves and were looking out for just us, and we really didn’t care about them. Well things have a funny way of working out; soon I learnt that my buddy was going his own way as well. Leaving me totally deserted and screwed. I had a low paying job, and couldn’t afford the rent on my own. I had about a month to figure out what to do. I called up my other roommates and asked them to come back, but they were bitter and wanted nothing to do with me. I didn’t trust any of my other “friends” as they were all low lives and couldn’t hold a job for more than a day anyway. Soon my friend moved out and took all his stuff with him. And there I was, alone in an empty apartment, with nothing. All I had was my own clothes to sleep on. He owned everything else and took it all with him. I had no time to really do anything, as I still had to go to work everyday. Well I began to panic as reality began to hit me even harder, as I had nothing to hide in anymore. There was no more T.V, no more video games, and no more computers. Worst of all, there was no more drugs. I had nothing to take me away from all my pain, anger and fear. Absolutely nothing.

I began to think lots about who I was and nothing came to mind, nothing worthwhile anyway. I thought about my future, and how it would be if I kept on like this. I saw a big, fat, nothing. Sure I was somebody, but amongst the nobodies. I had good drug hook ups and sold at more than fair prices. And thusly all I was
was a person who sold death. The biggest somebody, sure, but amongst the nobodies, thusly I was the biggest nobody. When everybody you know is a nobody, what good are they? So no one could help me either.

One night, after work, I smoked the last of my drugs and went to bed, all my problems swirling were staring me in the face. As my mind screamed in panic, I broke inside, and began to cry. I wanted more with my life, I knew deep inside what I was capable of. I thought of all I had come through only to put myself into a state like this. I wanted a change. I was ready for a change. I wanted a new chapter in my life. I had turned 19 a few days earlier (it was a horrible birthday) I thought about how I was an adult now. I had been an “adult” for a year. Well why wasn’t I acting like it? Why didn’t I feel like it? I thought about how I was, caught up in myself, acting like an immature 13 year old, thinking getting high and getting laid is what life was all about. I began to really break down, telling myself in my mind over and over, “its time for a change, its time for a new chapter, its time. Time to leave this all behind, time to quit drugs. Time to be a somebody. Time to live life. Time to experience life. Time to find love and real friends. It’s time to get over myself.

I began to wonder how I could do this, what step must be taken? How am I going to change and get away from it all? Suddenly something I thought I’d never do occurred to me. Pray. So I began to pray and this is what I prayed. “God, I don’t know if your there, I don’t even really believe in you. But if your there and if you can honestly help me with my problems please help me. In turn if you help me, I will have faith to live my life for you.” I began to think about how I had nothing to lose by praying, rather I had a whole life to regain and live. Suddenly I felt moved to repent “ God, I’m so sorry for my actions and hate towards you, please forgive me, please help me. I need your help.” Is what I managed to spill out in-between huge sobs. Suddenly something happened inside of me. Something changed. I could feel it come over my entire body.
Then there was a voice in my head, “it’s okay son, I forgive you, everything will be okay from now on” I felt a peace and a comfort. I felt a presence like I never experienced before. I felt God. My already insane amount of crying became a hysterical sob. I could hardly breathe as this life changing experience over took me… And that’s how all this, even what I am doing now, began.

From that point on, everything just “happened” things just started to go perfectly. Everything was fine, I had a peace and I new something was different about me. Every day I was thinking about God, and eventually I started to think I had gone nuts! Me of all people! Thinking about God! I could not deny what I was feeling or what was happening around me. My brother showed up and lent me 100 bucks out of the blue! The dude was a thief and owes me tons of money and never EVER came around, but there he was when I needed it! People started calling me like, asking me if I needed roommate, as they had heard about what happened. I wasn’t doing anything to make any of this happen! I was just going to work, that’s all I had time for! The Domo I worked at was understaffed and I was working 8-10 days on in a row! Supernaturally everything just came together.

Now I am living with a kind Christian couple. I work with the husband in his stucco wiring company, making 11 dollars an hour. The wife mentors me and teaches, and grows me. They love me like their own son, as they have never had their own kids. So they are a blessing to me as I am to them. I am meeting new friends, and experiencing life. I am learning to love and to be a better person I have been through huge amounts of healing, mentally and emotionally. Best of all, at last, I’m a somebody. I am a friend to the friendless. I’m a son to two families. I am an important part of my church. I am a hard worker and a talented, smart writer. I am a guy with a heart full of love, who isn’t afraid of what people think anymore.
I’ve put the old me behind me, I’m not a dark gothic pothead, or a drug dealer. I’m not just an angry fighter who bullies people. I’m not some insane person who only cares about drugs, girls and living it up and fitting in.

Well I could go on forever, as there is much left to this story, but that can all be revealed at another time.
This is a brief bit of my testimony; this is how I met God and why I changed. This is how all of this “Christian stuff” got started with me. Why did I share this? So you can see for yourself what life was like before, for me. So you can see my life and perhaps it relates in some parts to your life. So you can see that something really has changed me. That my life now is a choice I made, based on a tiny, TINY bit of faith that I mustered together when nothing and no one was left around to help. So you can understand that this just wasn’t me and my own will that brought people to me, that changed me. Rather so you can see how it was God and God alone who changed me, and brought this together the way it is now. I just had to have faith and trust him with what he was doing.

Moving on, and I pray that you are still with me and not judging and assuming a load of twisted thoughts on me by this point. But if you are, I will not hold it against you, as it is human nature. Well much has happened since I prayed that prayer. That was back in may. It’s been about 6 months now and I have experienced much since then. I have come along way for a young Christian, and very quickly. Although that sounds like it was easy, it hasn’t been. I’ve struggled with so many things, and have to fight daily to keep going on. That’s what this next part is about, struggles with faith and choices in times of struggle and temptations.

Struggle
Everyday it’s a battle to make the right choices, to take the last lesson learned and apply it to my life.
It’s a challenge to always speak with wisdom and keep calm when some ignorant moron is calling me down.
It’s a challenge to wrap my mind around some concepts, no I do not just immediately accept any concept my Pastor or mentor teaches me. I struggle with accepting a lot of things as truth and as a reality. With all these struggles it can seem impossible and get tiring after awhile. Especially when I don’t ask the big man upstairs for his help and his wisdom on it. So certain days I really do find myself not giving a single care in the world. In these moments I stumble, and fall, as I am not perfect, but still a human. BIG SHOCK! Just because I’m a Christian now, is not to say I’m no longer human. I’m not some super human or a perfect being. I’m far from it, and I mess up a lot, despite the fact that I am a fast learner and grow quickly.
So speaking of struggles and falling and what not, lets look at some recent actions of mine.

I came up with high hopes to Athabasca, to speak about God and life with teens. To share my experiences and a love for people who need it. Well things didn’t go as I planned, and well it shouldn’t go as I plan for God always has a better plan. Well anyway, I got discouraged as I was met with skepticism, ridicule and mockery. I felt awkward trying to talk to people my age about God. It just seemed like there were no open

windows and no one was open to receive and listen. Everyone just wanted to argue my points, even try to come up with a different explanation as to what I felt. As if they themselves were so wise and knew exactly what I felt and experienced. Feeling a sense of loss, as if I had wasted my time, I began to question what my trip home was about. I noticed I wasn’t being used by God how I thought I would be. Well I let it get to me and slipped further into discouragement.


Temptation
I was still coming into town with my brother Wayne, to visit and hang out. I had no intention of speaking to people about God; I put him on the back burner and was in my own will and doing my own thing. So any way one night I’m at somebody’s place, and everybody seems fairly high or buzzed off a few beer. My own brother is significantly wrecked. I was offered a beer and gladly took it and chugged it back. What happened that caused me to let down my guard? I began to reason with my mind against my heart and spirit. “It’s just a beer, it’s not like its illegal and I am of age, just one beer can’t hurt”

Well one led to two and naturally, not having drank for a long time, I was buzzed. So my inhibitions were lowered even more then, I begin to get comfortable with this in my mind. Well before I knew it, I had agreed to smoke a bowl and just get wrecked. I was just going with the flow, as it seemed so easy. That night wasn’t the last night I smoked a hoot, the next morning and that night as well. Well by the next day my conscience was screaming at me,” WHAT ARE YOU DOING! YOU’RE WRECKING EVERYTHING! NOT ONLY HAVE YOU NOT TALKED ABOUT GOD, BUT YOUR GIVING INTO THEIR WAYS AGAIN! SMARTEN UP BEFORE YOU WRECK IT ALL.” I knew very well that was true and I was well aware of the possible out come and affect this would have on people. Well, the ones who had been watching me closely anyway. I knew it didn’t look good and I just made myself look like a hypocrite. Not to mention I just discouraged myself even more and made myself feel worse about the whole trip. Well finally I decided to snap out of my funk and ask God for his input and why I felt like things weren’t going so good.

I realized that God new all along I was going to screw up, and that he must still have a plan as how to bring everything together for good. I repented, as I walked and talked with God. I cried and vented, and screamed. I spouted something like this, “ God I really want to bring you to these people! I really want to work for you and do your will! I want to fix what I’ve done and salvage this trip! I need an idea, I need help, I need direction! Please use all my mistakes for good!” Well when I did that, this is where I got this letter idea from, and hence why I am doing this. Not only did I get the idea to write this letter, but what to say and put in it. And with that, comes the next part.

Getting Back Up And Moving Ahead
Growing is a process that usually involves making mistakes, getting back up and going on. Growing is a struggle that involves tough choices and making the right choice after a bad one. Many of you saw the struggle in my actions, and have now gotten an idea perhaps that I am giving up, or am not taking it all as serious. But know this, with every struggle I come through, ever time I fall down; I get back up more determined and more serious than before. What am I so set on doing? What am I doing my best to take seriously? It is this walk of faith that I am on, and to share it with others. As we all have problems, worries, fears and pains from past hurts. I am determined to be a real friend, and a trustworthy person. I want to be
a person who is righteous and not self-righteous, a person who speaks truth and wisdom. I am a person who cares very much about you, and your life. No, to do this, I wont always have to speak about God! But should God tap me on the shoulder and tell me something about you, I will share it with you and reveal to you what he wants me to speak to you.

Growing is not an easy thing at all; weather its growing up or just growing out of something. Growing in God is the toughest challenge I’ve faced yet in my life. As I’m learning that growing with God means several things. Growing means testing things I don’t trust and finding it to be a truth myself rather than just immediately and blindly accepting it. As some people have said I have done this. Everything I preach is something I once struggled to believe then tested and then found it to be a truth. I do not do this on my own,

for God is the one who reveals it to me as a truth in time, as I live my day-to-day life. No, I just don’t believe everything like a good little student, I struggle with many ideas and concepts till it is proven true to me, usually through some supernatural experience. I have had many supernatural experiences and there will be many more. I would also love to share these super natural experiences with you, as they may be the seeds that one-day sprout in your life, and lead you to a relationship with God.

Bringing It All Together
Well it’s time to wrap this up and bring this all together. I shared my past as to give you a feel for the misery and pain I once lived with. To show you why I once hated God, as I blamed him for everything. Why I did not believe and had no faith in a higher power. I know many of you think like that. Bringing me to my next point, I hope to have related to you in some instance. And if so, then perhaps we can be better friends and be real with each other, opposed to always wearing a false face and pretending everything is cool I hope to create a basis on which you can confide in me. Also trust me, and open up to me, as we all need understanding and some one to listen to us from time to time. I am willing to be that person, who will listen whole-heartedly, and not just shrug your problems off as something small. Nor will I just say “oh get over it life goes on.”

I shared how I met God, so you can understand that when nothing and no one is left, God is there, waiting and listening. He is ready to help you, even now as you read this. I shared it to show you the reality of some situations in life and how everything can just fall apart. For those moments when it all falls apart, there is reason to it, and hope and faith can be found in those moments. I shared it to show you that when you are truly ready for something different, when your truly sick of the way you handle things, God can help. You just have to ask, and honestly want help. But it also requires one to swallow his/her pride and get over them selves. I shared it for the fact that one day you more than likely will face a crisis day like that, and when you do, you now know what you can do.

I spoke of my struggle and my recent pot smoking, to show you that God is not some controlling, mean, ogre who will condemn you to hell for messing up. He loves us so much, he is willing to forgive us, and help us back up and give us strength to go on. This is not to say, “oh sure ill just do what ever I want now and then one day ask God to forgive me and be like hey its all cool now I’m going to heaven!” No, he requires a true repentance of us. I shared it to show you that I have free will, as we all do. No, it didn’t please God in those moments, but God still used it for good. Again this is not saying he caused me to smoke pot, it was a choice I made. I am truly sorry for having smoked up and having ignored God. As I’m sure he had a much better plan at hand. I spoke of these struggles to show you that being a Christian is NOT easy, and that Christians are NOT weak, but rather extremely determined and strong people. (True Christians

anyway) Christians, however, do experience moments of weakness and temptation and should not always expected to be perfect beings. Nor should anyone have ever labeled me as trying to be perfect, rather I am just trying to better myself, as I know I will never be perfect. Struggling shows that, I’m trying to leave that life behind.


How Does It Apply To You?
Finally the last little bit, how does this all apply to you? I have left some explanations here and there but to wrap it all up and make it simple, here we go. Life is a struggle, it’s hard, and we’ve all experienced pain and hurt in someway or form. I can and am willing to relate with you on that. Our own will can often lead us to more hurt and pain, long after we’ve escaped people who hurt us. We can be our own worst enemies at times. I know each one of you have been hurt in certain ways, abandoned in some ways, hurt even your own self in some ways and thusly don’t even trust yourself. God can help you through ANYTHING, if you let him and give him a chance and some room to work in your life. He can bring great healing, love, and understanding to you. As humans, we all want love, acceptance, and understanding. That way we are able to experience happiness.

No, the Christian life is not peachy-keen easy it is a challenge. It challenges you to grow, to heal you; to help you be a better person, to help others, to just try to live life a fuller and more meaningful way. It is a challenge to find and keep faith, to grow in faith and to make the right choices based on faith. One wont always make the right choice, but if one is willing to pick themselves back up and keep going, God will be right there with them. Lastly, God uses all things, I repeat, ALL THINGS together for good. God uses ones mistakes to reveal him self through it, to show himself as a faithful father. Even when we mess up, he helps us deal with the problem and is able to create good out of it.

Now the most important message of this whole letter: Everything you’ve ever suffered through, serves a greater purpose. It was all not in vain; there was reason to it. One just needs to ask God what purpose it can serve, and realize also that it was not God who caused it. As there is an opposite of God. God loves you dearly, more than you will ever be able to understand. He’s been with you through it all; he’s watched you get hurt. He’s watched you cry and cried with you when you were hurt. He did not wish for it to happen, but people these days have lost touch with their conscience and have given into temptations to hurt. He wishes to heal you, make you whole, and give you all your dreams and desires. He knows where you belong and why you were created. He has hopes and dreams for you; he has a whole future for you. Aren’t you just a little curious as to what it could be? Perhaps you’re meant to change the world? Are you sick and tired of asking questions and not getting answers? Feel like there’s so much more to life than what people have made it out to be? Well now you know where to look and who to ask, and I promise. I PROMISE, on my LIFE, you will not be let down, or disappointed.

Thank you for your time and patients. Just a few last questions for you to ponder about. Aren’t you getting sick of drugs and drinking yet? Are you getting tired of fake, shut off, people? Are you looking for a real friend? Not just someone to get high with, or simply to waste time with? When will it be time to “grow up” and stop all this teenager crap of trying to fit and be cool. When will you realize that there is so much more to life than running with the in crowd? When will you realize that if you don’t choose to change your life now, you might never change? Take a good look at your friends, because believe it or not, that’s currently you. Where do you see them going? Because if you are influenced and fallow them, that’s where you are

going. Ready to be an individual and find out who YOU are? Opposed to just losing yourself into the crowed? Well, it’s all up to you and it’s just a matter of choices. Change is within arms reach; you just need to reach and cry out with a tiny bit of faith.

God bless you,
A true and loving friend,
~Ron Bergquist.
November 25, 2005

Well this past while i've been at home visiting. Ive been here for a week now. Treading through eye level bullshit, helping people, bringing God to people. Taking bullets in all shapes and sizes in all places. Only to find myself crawling along the dirt with a joint in my mounth and a beer in my hand. Only to realize that I gave that up because I found a better picker-upper. God. Running to God, I broke once again, crying my fears and worries out. He patched up the bullet wholes and then gave me a bullet proof vest. Well here I stand STILL READY TO FIGHT! Still willing to go to war. This spiritual war is far from over and I will fight ever last demon my mind holds captive. I will destroy the old man, one day at a time. And step fully into the light and claim my place as I fullfill my purpose.

Me emailing a dead buddy... its straght forward... you will get the idea...

hey you poor bastard... Just sending my last regards and respects... Deletig you now... as you are dead. Commited suicide... I find it funny how we both once planned do to that together... but in the end it was you who went through with it all the way... Even though i was worse off... messed in the head.. more lost... i guess in the end you just figured the best way out.... even though people cared... they watched you jump off the bridge and splatter on the rocks below... glad i wasnt there... woulda fucked me right up... idont think any one understood you like i did man.... well any way.... peace out man... Sorry to see you felt that way about your life.... later man.

Well im just frusterated and pissed and the narrowmindedness of some fuckers out there. They acuse and assume some pretty whacked out shit and then labbel me and think thet got me all figured out. when alls theyve done is spoken a book about their own shortcommings. Its pathetic and im getting agravated. Oh well thats what i get for choosing this path i supose.

The next fucker who says christians are weak.. id like to see him try the walk and stand up for the choises that i have to make daily. ANYONE, as much as me or the next guy...will break and fall repeatedly... But alas God is mercy and grace that fogrives, loves and gives us another chance. So.... im picking myself up.. and going to tread on.. up and out of this misery.

I asked masterwolf to enlighten me as to provoke a conversation. To get some insight. But rather he took it as me wanting to learn from him and his teaching. This is what insued:

MW
I have a few things I feel passionately about... and some things I just haven't taken down after a few years.

Are you willing to learn about things that your church considers blasphamy? The Art of the Devil?

Are you willing to learn about things that might shock and hurt you? Things that as little as 100 years ago you could be punished, even killed for knowing? Are you ready for your world to be questioned, bent, even broken?

I am not arrogant without reason. I am a first order thanatoptic magician, an avatar, and a teacher of metaphysics. I instruct, both online and off, and am respected in both worlds. Are you truely ready

Me:
*Smirks* theres the amusment I was looking for.

Prior to being saved I was a most effective Satanist. Been there, done that. Wiccanism as well, so a feel for magic. But ive since chosen to liberate my spirit from taints and evils. I enjoyed the feeling of true power and security oh so much more than things that bring death.

My buddy knows all about metaphysics and hes shown some people some pretty, well, twisted and unreal stuff!

I was and even more so respected now in my life.

Thank you for enlightening me and giving me more insight to you than you will ever know.

Funny how presumptious we are as self centerd human beings. All trying to exault ourself with some sort of respect from others... thusly gratifying our lives.

By no means is this to say stop talkin to me, simply look deeper and learn the lesson at hand in this very message. 

MW: I see your message, but I assure you, I have never brought death to any, and rarely use magic, save in emergency... I, too, enjoy the full feeling of pure power, the white light of God in my life. Satanists are fools who find all too soon that their ideas on God and the devil are shallow and hollow, but knowing the Truth of God is beyond most, wouldn't you agree?

You, too, have given me insight into you that you would not believe... you, who believe yourself perfected by the blood of a murdered man, and who worship the very instrument of that murder...

Oh, yes, I hav experiance in the Christian world... I studied it avidly with the Bishop of my parish for a while, he even knowing who and what I was. I do not see myself as superior to you in faith, nor in power, and I was not even discussing religion, but Lyn...

Lyn has been punished for portraying herself as a slut, and for reasons that are between us, I ahve allowed her to keep her wikis up. She is my responsibility, and I have been carefully teaching her to take pride in herself and her works. It is not yours to judge her, nor mine... only to help her improve, to see the devinity within herself and become the child of the Heavens that she can be.

Me: but thats not going to happen by building her up in pride. Your only disollusioning her. Setting her up for a hard fall. Specially if she has the attitude that she IS God.

Dude, I am a REAL christian and by that I mean not that religious PIOUS CRAP. No i dont worship the instraments of his destruction. Pride and beng fake? Jelousy? No I worship love.

But by real I also mean, I'm not ignorant to the spirit realm, never have been. I know fully what is in this world more than the next guy.

The death I spoke of, no not a physicall death because that eventually comes anyway! I was talking about spiritual death. I know you have a spirit, its just weather or notyou want that your SPIRIT to live on. Thats the death that occurs.

I can help lynn in more ways than she thinks, but she needa to swallow her pride and give me a chance to see that i truly do care for her. And that its not God im offering but rather love. Not bf gf love but love as a friend, for the human being she is and her true qualities that God put into her. THAT, my friend, is what could change her life and truly show her what she is.

Other than a slut, or a slut full of pride... Think about it.

An interesting poem I wrote not to long ago... heh heh heh.

Starbucks

"A mocha frappichino grande light"
I say as I hand the man my 10 bucks.
"Can I get a chocolate, caramel pretzel sick as well?
4 Bucks is returned to me as I wait for my indulgance.
As I wait I ponder how I practically need a second language to order.
"Mocha grande light is up"

I take my fancy coffee and sit down at a table for two.
I find my thoughts wishing for someone to sit next to me.
Perhaps one of these posh,
young ladies who look like barbie dolls.
Or the 40 year old woman who is trying to look 20 again.
But as her children run to her crying mommy,
the illusion in wrecked.

A young man sits infront of me,
also enjoying the many delights.
He hides behind his paper,
his gaze ocassionally fallowing one of the ladies.
For a moment,
the temptation of talking to one of them crosses his mind.
But he continues to read his paper,
sipping from his large cup.

Several buisness men enter in,
looking grim as they oder.
No life in their eyes,
just a serious stern look painting their faces.
I wonder if these men can even taste their coffee.
Or if they even notice the world thats about them.

One of the servers has my attention now,
He jokes with the customers, amusing himself.
He's talking about his personal life openly with the other workers.
A girl's name is mentioned and his curiosity on the situation is perked.
He asks questions excitedly about her response to an apparent let down.
This young man,
with the blonde hair and funny accent,
has character.

An attractive woman in her 30's walks in and orders.
Long red hair flowing behind her,
She walks by.
The man hiding behind his paper allows his eyes to fallow.
I too watch out of curiosity.
She sets up a laptop and gets out a few books.
As she drinks her coffee,
she types away on the keyboard.
Obviously a student.

As I look around I notice several elderly people sitting upfront.
They chat lightly about the day and life experiences.
A family walks in,
A husband, wife and children all stand in line.
The poor kids look like they too want a treat.
Perhaps they would enjoy one of the many elaborate snacks.

Now there are two dolls sitting off to my left.
They talk loudly and excitedly about girlish things.
The man hiding behind his paper glances over yet again.
One of them adjusts her jogging pants as she gets up to get their drinks.
Buddy behind the paper is no longer merely glancing.
The girl has "Oilers" written across her butt.
It looks like barbie wanted to be casual and comfortable,
as she enjoys her exotic coffee.
Still, not my type at all.

I sip the last of my foreign sounding drink down.
Sit for a moment or two and ponder a thought.
After glancing at the time,
I get up to leave
With that thought lingering in my mind.
"Thats enough isparation for this observational writer".

Ron Bergquist
Nov 12th, 05

Backlog of older poems. Enjoy


A Hero-Like Friend

Take of the mask and reveal the inner being.
Peel away layers of a hardened broken heart.
There is a small child deep inside worth seeing.
But it was hurt then locked up alone in the dark.

A hero has come to free that little child.
He will lift one up to the highest places.
It's time one learnt how to truly smile.
Instead of hiding behind cold cruel faces.

The world has been hard and brutal, little one.
It sucked all the innocents right out and away.
But He's here to bring it back, with loving fun.
Show one what it means to be innocent in play.

Just listen to this rhyme and let it come alive.
He's working right now, deep down inside.
He is speaking to your heart so it will survive.
He cries with you and sobs at how they all lied.

Understanding, acceptance, wisdom and learning.
We all seek and need these things to be complete.
Most important of all, for love we all are yearning.
He offers all of this and more, especially to us meek.

He is the greatest best friend one could ever want.
He doesn't hide evil under a lying, seductive mask.
He is real to the core, never would utter a hurtful taunt.
He is a true and faithful love that will always last.

Holding a torch, He will brighten your darkened path.
With tender love, He will ease the pains of the past.
Rinse clean of guilt and shame in His forgiveness bath.
Know that you are loved and it will always last.

Just call his name now, should you want to meet Him.
He has been listening closely and waiting patiently.
You have nothing to loose, but a whole life to begin.
So just call His name and invite him on in.

Jesus.
Precious Jesus.
Save me.

Christian Warrior
September 25/05



Heart

What is a beautiful mind?
A mind that is smart.
A mind that rationalizes.
A mind that is calm.
A mind that is creative.

One may consider,
These traits desirable,
Makings for a beautiful mind.

What is a beautiful heart?
A heart that is not hard.
A heart that is full of light.
A heart that knows boldness.
A heart that is pure in love.

One may consider,
These traits desireable,
Makings for a beautiful heart.

Consider this.
What is a mind without heart behind it?
Deceitful.
Manipulative
Disillusioned.
Prideful.
Dangerous.

A mere mind on its own is nothing!
It can lie and deceive, portray the wrong idea!
A mere mind can steal and break hearts!
Causing unimaginable hurt.

A mind is easily tainted,
By drugs, lust, and power.
If the heart is weaker than the mind,
The heart too, is easily corrupted.
But if the heart is made to be righteous
The mind will be tamed by the heart.

A beautiful mind is one thing.
But a beautiful heart is something totally different!
A mind without heart behind it,
Is useless!
The heart is where everything starts!
All ideas, passions and dreams,
Are driven by the heart!

What is character?
Certainly not something cooked up by the mind!
TRUE character is MADE in the heart!

A pure, bold, loving person,
Feels with the heart.
Sees with the heart.
Understands with the heart.
And most importantly,
Loves with the heart.

Always remember,
when the heart is pure,
So will be the mind.
And that... is true beauty.

Christian Warrior
September 12/05


Simple

Simple .
Its actually really simple.
The meaning to life?
Simple.
Why were you born?
Simple.
What purpose do you have?
Simple.

God.
Simply God.
Because God simply loves.
Loves so purely and perfectly.
Loves so much He created humanity.

We exist to praise and worship God.
Why?
It's giving thanks.
Giving thanks for creation.
For living the life we live.

The life we live is full of meaning!
The meaning to life?
Simple.
Live for God.
Because God gave you that life!

He has a plan and a future for you!
He will change your life!
And give you hope!
Set an example
Live in righteousness and truth.
Change other peoples lives!
What greater purpose?
He has a WHOLE future for you!

Simply live.
Live not for self.
Live for your neighbor
Life for the lost kids.
Live for the third world countries!
To bring glory to God!
And honor,
To ones name.

Simple.
Wisdom and truth.
Brings Glory!
God is simply truth.
And God is simply wise.
His Wisdom guides.
It spreads truth and light!
It saves lives!
Brings life!

Simple.
Very simple.
Why are you so confused?
Why do you let your head get in the way?
Why do you make it more than it needs to be ?
Why do you allow your mind to confuse and complicate it all?

Its because you've blown the whole thing way out of proportion!
Figuring it all has to mean so much more and be so much more!
When its just simple.
Short, sweet.
Simple.

Simple like a child.
Like a childs mind!
We must be like children!
Full of imagination and life!
Full of child like faith!
Not limiting what God can do!

But no.
You've put God in a,
Box.
You've made Him,
Small.
You want Him to do it,
Your way.
And,
When He hasn't answered prayers,
Your way.
When He hasn't proven Himself,
Your way.

You've gotten angry.
You've blamed Him.
You've cursed Him.
You've mocked Him

You.
Hurt.
Him.

You broke his heart.
And Yet,
He wants to fix yours.

Christian Warrior
September 11/05

I speak boldly with God stiring inside! They listen and applaud! I pray in words of knowledge from God and lead my friends to Jesus! They thank me and I feel alive! WHAT GREATER PURPOSE THAN CHANGING PEOPLES LIVES!

Im on fire and there no stopping me! SATAN, BRING IT ON! WORLD BRING IT ON! This world WILL know the name of Ron Bergquist!

I used to walk in darkness for many years. Im now 19 and 4 months. For 4 months Ive been fallowing God with a heart of obediance and trust. So please, dont hold me to being some one who grew up all goody good. cuz ive seen it, done it, and tasted it all.... Its all made me puke more times than I can remember... I got tired of vomiting darkness and spreading it like the sickness it was... thats when God finally called to me, told me to look up. I looked up and saw his hand... I grabbed it, then he hauled me out from the grave that I had dug for myself.
From sitting lower than dirt to being held in his arms...
I have been saved

Sitting at home with the family for thanksgiving. Should be interesting. Hope I speak a message from Gods heart.

Still I look around this town with all my old friends... Just that old friends. Molding away going nowhere. For years we were all the same and all got along great, I was there leader and looked up too. Now I made a radical change and each time I come back, I see the only thing different is me. While they just stagnate more and more. I just pray for them, speak the wisdom thats changed my life. Hopfully one day it will bring them to life and then they too can experience what Ive experienced.

Its good to see that they all still love me and look up to me, remembering those old great times... But only in there minds. For i know of better times.... but they are not ready yet, there hearts and souls are still muchly darkened.
Well I pray for them, and lead by example of how great life can be... if you stop wallowing in self pity and do somthing to change it.

like...find God.

The god of the world blind and perverts everything. They all acuse me the very things they are all guilty of. He is sly and a master manipulator. As I once was for I was once of him.

Now I walk in truth and people hate truth. I walk in rightousness and Im the one now full of pride? People cant swallow their own pride and admit they run from truth. They live in a world they fabricated. They walk around claiming they will find enlightenment greater than God. They claim they will be fine their whole lives. Not even realizing in that alone they challenge God.

All because their lives are all sheltared and protected by mommy and daddy. No real tradgidy yet, and certainly not let loose into the real world. Where we will see how strong they are, how smart they are. And just for how long their lives will be peachy-keen tolerable. Yes. We will see.

It amazes me they base their life on their current situation. Which they dont even realize could change at ANY GIVEN MOMENT. And thusly so will life one day. On that day what I've spoken will be brought to rememberance by God. And thusly I have not labourd in vain.

God is in controll, He does see and know all.

Well the dirty work is done, a years worth of diary dealing with drugs, sex, gothism, perversion and many other subjects... Gone... Wiped clean... Only copy left... the tatterd and torn bits that remain in my mind.

Hmmm...Cleaning out the cobwebs and old random bits of my old miserable life that nearly destroyed for the last time...


Well... Life is great, better than ever now that God is in it. Working hard, loving harder and learning to renew my mind with love and life instead of hate and death. Im tired as its evening and well i worked today. Always fightin the battle as demons never stop their relentless attacks. Well... at least im no longer one of them.


Hmmm.... just a random bit for now