I had a dream that we were together.She loved me.I just wish it wasn't a dream.Now,I feel like,when everyone leaves her stranded...THEN she will come to me.THEN she will want me by her side.Like I am the last resort.I wish it weren't like this.I wish we were still the way we used to be.When we were happy.But,wishing doesn't do any good,if it did,everything would be wonderful by now.But,it's not.She is the only person who makes me like this.Everyone else..I just want to strangle when they piss me off.But with her..It makes me want to strangle myself.I wish I COULD forget about it.I understand what Bethanie was saying.I SHOULDN'T wait for her.I shouldn't wait for something that's not there.But,I can't just give up.I never can.I'm too afraid of losing her.I'm afraid of what I will be without her.It's weird.I want to forget everything,and give up.Because I don't like feeling this pain.But,if I gave up,it wouldn't help.The only thing that will ease the pain is knowing that she loves me too.Actually being able to spend time with her.Without her worrying about someone else.Without the drugs.Being together because we WANT to be together.That's the way it used to be.I guess I should just let the past be the past,but it's hard to forget all the good times.I can't forget them.I still wish it were still like that.But,it will never be like that again.We will never have the same relationship we used to.It's possible,actually.But we will BOTH have to work for it.I still can never find the words to truly express my feelings for her.So that makes it so much harder.It's there,though.Inside of me.It's the deepest feeling I have ever had.I just can't grasp it,and pull it up,and put it into words.That's why no one really understands.I try so hard sometimes,but the feeling is too deep.I reach as deep as I can inside of myself,but it's never deep enough.Well,I'll go now.I need to sleep.Though I probably won't be able to...

"Tell Me"
Trying so hard to erase
The images in my mind.
Trying so hard to forget
How my heart breaks each time.
I come back to you.
Thinking this is true.
But it's all a lie.
Your love is only hatred
In disguise.
But I love you.
So take off your mask,
And tell me how you feel.
Tell me you love me,
So that I know it's for real.
Look into my eyes,
And say you'll never walk away.
That you'll stand here by my side
Until our dying days.
Trying so hard not to care,
But my heart belongs to you.
Trying so hard not to love you,
But that's all I can do.

^Dedicated to Nikki^

I was talking to Ashley today on the bus.She spilled her heart out to me.She told me about things that happen with her parents,and everything.It's sad,really.I know if she told anyone else what she told me,they wouldn't believe her.I believe her.I'm not mad at her,I'm glad we talked.My mom got pissed because she had to take her home,and that she didn't ride with Marie.And then she kept asking about Bethanie.She thought that me and Bethanie had a thing,because she saw Bethanie jump on me,and hug me.Well,she kinda humped me too.I tried to explain to my mom that she does that to everyone.She didn't belive me.She kept saying that gays are bad because it's "not her thing".And then she feeds me this shit about how sex is good if it's with someone you care about.Well,what's the difference?It shouldn't matter what your sexuality,as long as you're with someone you care about.Fucking hypocrit.She keeps asking me if I'm a lesbian,without actually asking me.I almost told her.But I know she would shun me,and I told her that,too.She didn't deny it.And,on top of that,I got to thinking about Nikki.And that made me think about my baby sister who died,and my big sister who never wants to have anything to do with us.I always wanted a sister.And,when I was 4 my mom got pregnant.I can remember always wanting her to hold me,but she couldn't.And when she finally could...Ahh.It was great.And I can remember sitting outside the room where they kept the sick babies,holding my little sister.I was wearing a fluffy,yellow dress.I remember looking down at her and thinking,"Yes!I have a sister!".And,less than a week later,she died.No one knows what happened...And,I find out about my older sister.Well,she's actually my half sister.But still,I always wanted her to be a part of my life.But she doesn't wanna come around us.That's partly her mom's fault,because when her and my dad divorced,she wouldn't let him see her.So,it's like she grew up knowing she wasn't supposed to be around us.But now,she's an adult,she could at least put forth SOME effort to come around.But she won't.We offered them a place to live,and a better life.They dont' have it very good.Her boyfriend was very abusive,he always threatened to kill her,and her son.So,they broke up.And we offered to let them stay with us.We had stuff for her,because she was pregnant again.We had a crib,and clothes for the baby at our house,waiting for her.She never came.That hurt.And the thing with Nikki.She is the closest thing to a sister I have ever had.I consider her more my family than my actual family.And she doesn't seem to care.I won't go into depth with that,because that would take forever....

Paint me a picture,
and tell me it's real.
Take away
the pain I feel.
Paint me a picture,
I'll give you my heart.
Grasp it tightly,
and rip it apart.
The picture is fake.
It's all a lie.
The disappointment falls
with a silent sigh.
You stole my heart.
It wasted away.
But I still love you.
Forever and always.

^^For Nikki^^

"Sleeping Beauty"
Walking hand and hand along the beach.
Side by side.
Just you and me.
The stars are bright.
The moon is high.
I smile as I see the twinkle in your eye.

Waves beating the sandy shore.
I say,"I love you,babe.
I'm all yours."

I smile and come in closer.
We kiss as the sun sets over
The beautiful ocean...
...The perfect night...

We sit along the ocean line.
Arm and arm,just you and I.
The sun rises as you fall asleep.
Upon my shoulder.
All for me.
I look into your beautiful eyes of blue.
My sweet sleeping beauty...
I love you.