I keep feeling smaller,and smaller.Like nothing I do is right.Like there is nothing I can do to make everything alright.I feel like I am wasting my time trying to make something out of nothing.This is by FAR the WORST feeling I've ever had.Not this,but everything that has been going on in the past year,or so.I feel like I'm worthless.Powerless.Like there is nothing I can do to stop this.The feelings,and even the reasons behind them.I feel completely useless.Like I'm just a nothing.To everyone around me.Including the one I love.Who I will NEVER be able to be with.I wish it weren't like this.But,there's nothing I can do.If there were,believe me,it would have been done LONG before now...

X.X

Nikki,
You're like a tornado rampaging through my heart.Taking up every last bit of space,and destroying everything in its path.I DID fall in love with someone else.But you'll always have the biggest space in my heart.It's over with me and Jordan now.I didn't love her,I'll NEVER love her as much as I love you.It wouldn't even compare!You are the most important thing in my life.And even though it's hard to see,I know you care about me.Even if not a lot.At least I know I'm somewhere in that heart of yours.And that's just as good a feeling.I just wish I could make you understand what you mean to me.Best friends break up ALL THE TIME! I don't want that to happen to us.I know we're drifting apart,and we don't really know each other anymore.But,I'm hoping we can fix it.I love you so much,you don't even know.I'm sorry if I EVER did anything to hurt you,because that's the LAST thing I want to do.And,no matter how many times you've made me cry,and will in the future,I will always love you.Nothing can change that.No one can change that.EVER!I love you more than life itself.I hope you know that.And no matter what happens with us,I will never forget you.All the great times we had together.All the fun we had,all the love we used to share.I miss you,Nikki.I wish I could say I knew you.But,I don't.I don't know you.You're becoming a complete stranger to me,and I HATE it.Why is this happening to us?We always thought we could make it through everything.I still believe we can,but it's just so hard.It's almost impossible to stop thinking about you.It's impossible to think about you without crying.Do you know how many nights I've cried myself to sleep just at the thought of losing you?There are so many things that I want to say to you,but I can never seem to find the words to describe how I feel.I've tried many times,but you still don't seem to understand.I want to spend time with you,I want to be with you.But,everytime we speak,my heart shatters into a thousand more tiny little pieces.I feel like you are shutting me out of your life.Like you just don't care anymore.Like you have given up on me.On US.Sometimes,it seems like the only person you care about is David.Do you know how much that hurts me?You are the best and truest friend I have ever had in my life.I always thought we would be together forever.But,at the rate we're going now,I'm starting to doubt it.I don't want to lose you.I would absolutely DIE if I didn't have you in my life.I don't know how to make you understand.I wish I could talk to you,but when I get so close,my mind goes blank.I'm overcome by fear.The fear of losing you.The fear of you being angry at me.I know we desperately need to talk about everything that is going on,but nothing seems to give me the courage to confront you.You know that I'll always be there to catch you when you fall.I'm just afraid that you won't be falling my way.Into MY arms.Coming to ME when you get hurt.Turning to ME when you need help and support.We had a dream once,we gave up on that dream.What do we have now?Broken memories of always being together,and knowing where we were to turn when we were hurt.Now,I'm not sure who to turn to.And I'm not sure if you would still turn to me.Sometimes,I think that I don't want to love you.I want to love someone who loves me,too.But everytime,my heart goes right back to you.Your face flashes right back into my head.I can't stop loving you.I wouldn't be LIVING without you.I thought I found someone who cared,but it turns out,that was all a lie.Is this a lie,too?Do you really love me?Or do you just say that because I always tell you how much I love you?I really don't know anymore.I used to KNOW you loved me,because you showed it in the way you talked to me,the way you always wanted to be with me.What has happened to us?All I know is that...I love you,Nikki.No matter what I will ALWAYS love you.Remember that while you're getting your heart broken by all of your "friends".

Love,
Jenn

I know this doesn't make alot of sense.To me,to Nikki,to anyone else around me.Sometimes,I don't even understand it completely.I know I'm pathetic,but,I just can't help it.I can't give up on a feeling that I've felt for so long.I can't give up on someone who means the world to me.I know I may be wasting my time.I may be risking my happiness,our friendship.But I'm willing to take that risk now.I have to know how she feels.I have to let her know how I feel.Everything is so confusing.Nothing makes sense to me anymore.I never know what to do or say.Not just with this,with other things.Smaller things.Everything is becoming a huge blur.Everything just seems to get worse.Sometimes,I don't know how to feel.I want to be happy,I want to laugh,but I can't.I always end up thinking about it.About her.And,at the end of the day,I just get sad again.I get angry with her,I don't even know why.Sometimes,I just think that I never want to see her again.That I want to give up and leave.But,at the end of the day,I go right back to loving her.It's like I'm SUPPOSED to love her.Either way,It's all I ever do.I don't know what's wrong with me.I just can't seem to stop thinking about it.So many things remind me of her.So many things make me think of her.Stupid things.Like...something someone says,a song,something on T.V.I dunno.I just miss her.I know I haven't lost her,and I'm extremely greatful for that.But,I miss her.I miss how it used to be.

I had a dream that we were together.She loved me.I just wish it wasn't a dream.Now,I feel like,when everyone leaves her stranded...THEN she will come to me.THEN she will want me by her side.Like I am the last resort.I wish it weren't like this.I wish we were still the way we used to be.When we were happy.But,wishing doesn't do any good,if it did,everything would be wonderful by now.But,it's not.She is the only person who makes me like this.Everyone else..I just want to strangle when they piss me off.But with her..It makes me want to strangle myself.I wish I COULD forget about it.I understand what Bethanie was saying.I SHOULDN'T wait for her.I shouldn't wait for something that's not there.But,I can't just give up.I never can.I'm too afraid of losing her.I'm afraid of what I will be without her.It's weird.I want to forget everything,and give up.Because I don't like feeling this pain.But,if I gave up,it wouldn't help.The only thing that will ease the pain is knowing that she loves me too.Actually being able to spend time with her.Without her worrying about someone else.Without the drugs.Being together because we WANT to be together.That's the way it used to be.I guess I should just let the past be the past,but it's hard to forget all the good times.I can't forget them.I still wish it were still like that.But,it will never be like that again.We will never have the same relationship we used to.It's possible,actually.But we will BOTH have to work for it.I still can never find the words to truly express my feelings for her.So that makes it so much harder.It's there,though.Inside of me.It's the deepest feeling I have ever had.I just can't grasp it,and pull it up,and put it into words.That's why no one really understands.I try so hard sometimes,but the feeling is too deep.I reach as deep as I can inside of myself,but it's never deep enough.Well,I'll go now.I need to sleep.Though I probably won't be able to...

"Tell Me"
Trying so hard to erase
The images in my mind.
Trying so hard to forget
How my heart breaks each time.
I come back to you.
Thinking this is true.
But it's all a lie.
Your love is only hatred
In disguise.
But I love you.
So take off your mask,
And tell me how you feel.
Tell me you love me,
So that I know it's for real.
Look into my eyes,
And say you'll never walk away.
That you'll stand here by my side
Until our dying days.
Trying so hard not to care,
But my heart belongs to you.
Trying so hard not to love you,
But that's all I can do.

^Dedicated to Nikki^

I was talking to Ashley today on the bus.She spilled her heart out to me.She told me about things that happen with her parents,and everything.It's sad,really.I know if she told anyone else what she told me,they wouldn't believe her.I believe her.I'm not mad at her,I'm glad we talked.My mom got pissed because she had to take her home,and that she didn't ride with Marie.And then she kept asking about Bethanie.She thought that me and Bethanie had a thing,because she saw Bethanie jump on me,and hug me.Well,she kinda humped me too.I tried to explain to my mom that she does that to everyone.She didn't belive me.She kept saying that gays are bad because it's "not her thing".And then she feeds me this shit about how sex is good if it's with someone you care about.Well,what's the difference?It shouldn't matter what your sexuality,as long as you're with someone you care about.Fucking hypocrit.She keeps asking me if I'm a lesbian,without actually asking me.I almost told her.But I know she would shun me,and I told her that,too.She didn't deny it.And,on top of that,I got to thinking about Nikki.And that made me think about my baby sister who died,and my big sister who never wants to have anything to do with us.I always wanted a sister.And,when I was 4 my mom got pregnant.I can remember always wanting her to hold me,but she couldn't.And when she finally could...Ahh.It was great.And I can remember sitting outside the room where they kept the sick babies,holding my little sister.I was wearing a fluffy,yellow dress.I remember looking down at her and thinking,"Yes!I have a sister!".And,less than a week later,she died.No one knows what happened...And,I find out about my older sister.Well,she's actually my half sister.But still,I always wanted her to be a part of my life.But she doesn't wanna come around us.That's partly her mom's fault,because when her and my dad divorced,she wouldn't let him see her.So,it's like she grew up knowing she wasn't supposed to be around us.But now,she's an adult,she could at least put forth SOME effort to come around.But she won't.We offered them a place to live,and a better life.They dont' have it very good.Her boyfriend was very abusive,he always threatened to kill her,and her son.So,they broke up.And we offered to let them stay with us.We had stuff for her,because she was pregnant again.We had a crib,and clothes for the baby at our house,waiting for her.She never came.That hurt.And the thing with Nikki.She is the closest thing to a sister I have ever had.I consider her more my family than my actual family.And she doesn't seem to care.I won't go into depth with that,because that would take forever....

Paint me a picture,
and tell me it's real.
Take away
the pain I feel.
Paint me a picture,
I'll give you my heart.
Grasp it tightly,
and rip it apart.
The picture is fake.
It's all a lie.
The disappointment falls
with a silent sigh.
You stole my heart.
It wasted away.
But I still love you.
Forever and always.

^^For Nikki^^

"Sleeping Beauty"
Walking hand and hand along the beach.
Side by side.
Just you and me.
The stars are bright.
The moon is high.
I smile as I see the twinkle in your eye.

Waves beating the sandy shore.
I say,"I love you,babe.
I'm all yours."

I smile and come in closer.
We kiss as the sun sets over
The beautiful ocean...
...The perfect night...

We sit along the ocean line.
Arm and arm,just you and I.
The sun rises as you fall asleep.
Upon my shoulder.
All for me.
I look into your beautiful eyes of blue.
My sweet sleeping beauty...
I love you.