*Little Sister*  

I didn’t know you long,
But I loved you all the same.
And it broke my little heart
When you left us that day.

I didn’t cry,
For I was too young to understand.
Now I long for the sister I once had.

Everyday I wonder,
How it would be if you were here.
I would love you even more.
Sister, dear.

I’ve dreamed of teaching you
Everything I knew.
How to ride a bike,
And how to tie your shoes.

I wish to tell stories…
“My sister and I did this, that.”
I long for the memories.
We hadn’t the chance to have.

No one knew what was wrong.
Cancer…Is what’s in my mind.
And I’ve been searching all these years,
For something I’ll never find.

Someone to fill the void.
The void you left behind.
A sister whom I will love.
…But never find.

I love you Jainie.
And I miss you more each day.
All I can say is “If only.
If only you could come back to me.”


<3
August 19, 1994-August 25, 1994

Well,today was no good.Ashley and Carrie were walking around acting like THEY were going out.They wouldn't even talk to us.Ashley couldn't even look me in the eye.When she first got to school in the morning,she started crying...And Carrie started "Comforting" her.It's like she wanted pity.Why the fuck does SHE need pity.If she didn't want it to happen,she shouldn't have done it.And she was acting like she was pissed off at me the whole day! I didn't do a god damn thing. I sat in my room crying over her.And SHE needs pity! BULLSHIT! I don't know what's up...But I hate it.This is something I wrote yesterday after everything happened:

Something’s wrong with me, isn’t there? I’m impossible to love. I feel as if there is no hope for me. I can never hold on to a relationship, my heart always get broken in the end. I’m so emotional, I just can’t take it. I shouldn’t be complaining. I’m not perfect. I just desperately feel the need to be needed. To be wanted. To be loved. I have a much too fragile heart. The smallest thing can break it. The smallest things make me feel l like putting a bullet through my head. I’m too weak, I can’t take this. It’s just too hard. I want someone to hold me, and tell me everything’s alright. I want someone to tell me they love me, and actually stay by my side. I want to know that I have someone who will always be there to catch me when I fall. To make every waking moment feel like a paradise. Like there is nothing in the world that can faze me. I want to know that the small things I do can make them smile. It’s not only the need to be wanted. It’s the need to know that I can help. I feel as if I can’t do anything for anyone. As if everything I say is nonsense. As if everything I do is an idiocy. I feel completely…Useless.

Well...Ashley broke up with me. I don't know what it is. I guess I'm just not loveable to people. It's probably my looks. I know I'm not pretty,but,I do have a heart,and that's good. I guess I'm just not supposed to be with anyone...I can never keep a relationship.I always think it's gonna go so great,but then it doesn't...I should probably just give up all together,there's no hope for me anyways.

~The only thing worse than dying itself,is living a second of my life without you.The only thing better than immortality,is living a second of my life with you by my side.~

The only thing out there
keeping me alive,
is the sound of your voice,
the twinkle in your eye.

The only thing out there
that could take my life,
is knowing you're gone,
and I held the knife.

~I feel so powerless with this.You go through things people wouldn't even dream of. I want to help you,but I feel like there's nothing I can do to make it alright.~
            I <3 U!

What's up with all the fucking homophobia? I have friends who know I'm a lesbian. They know about me & Ashley. Yet they still make stupid gay comments. They should know that it would piss me off. And it does! WTF does it matter? It's the same fucking thing. Two people...In love...Same sex...BAM! It turns into a huge thing. "It's disgusting. It's wrong." NO IT FUCKING ISN'T. So what if it "Goes against what God intended." I have news for you...Bitches. GOD DOENS'T FUCKING EXIST! Get your heads out of your asses, realize that there are things different than what you think, and fucking accept it. You're not the best thing in the whole god damn world. Just because you think it's wrong, doesn't mean it is. I understand that it's your opinion. But, JEEZ! Just GET OVER IT!

I am at a high.I was talking to one of my old friends.Someone who just happens to be friends with Nikki,and goes to school with her.She was telling me that Nikki loves me to death.That she has my name on her binder,and that she always talks about me.It's really not a big deal,but it made me extremely happy.I told her to tell Nikki that she is the most beautiful person I have ever met in my entire life.I don't know if she is going to,but I hope so.Because she truly is.No one could possibly be as beatiful as she is...I love her soo much!!! And,I know she loves me..So,everything is great!!

It's been a while.
Since I could
Hold my head up high.
And it's been a while
Since I first saw you.
And it's been a while
Since I could stand
On my own two feet again.
And it's ben a while
Since I could call you.

And everything I can't remember.
As fucked up as it all may seem.
The consequences that I've rendered.
I stretched myself beyond my means.

And it's been a while
Since I can say,
That I wasn't addicted and...
It's been a while
Since I can say,
I love myself as well and...
It's been a while
Since I've gone and fucked things up
Just like I always do.
And it's been a while.
But all that shit seems to disappear when I'm with you.

And everything I can't remember.
As fucked up as it all may seem.
The consequences that I've rendered.
I've gone and fucked things up again.

Why must I feel this way?
Just make this go away.
Just one more peaceful day.

And it's been a while
Since I could
Look at myself straight.
And it's been a while
Since I said I'm sorry.
And it's been a while
Since I've seen the way
The candles light your face.
And it's been a while
But I can still remember just the way you taste.

And everything I can't remember.
As fucked up as it all may seem
To be.
I know it's me.
I cannot blame this on my father.
He did the best he could for me.

And it's been a while.
Since I could
Hold my head up high.
And it's been a while.
Since I said I'm sorry.

**Dedicated to Ashley**

Hola! Sorry you guys..I'll have the rest of my profile up,but right now...My computer is being a poop head.It does that alot. ::Punches computer screen:: Ahh..Much better.Lol.Well,don't think I forgot all about you..Really! That's the only thing it would let me put up.It was being so slow,YOU DON'T EVEN KNOW!! Lol.Well,it really pissed me off,so I'ma try it again later.And maybe it will work.Hopefully..

David is fine!! He called,and he's home.He will most likely have to go to Laurelwood,but we're not sure yet.I found out that Kevin took one more Skittle than David did.So,he was,most likely,worse than David.He didn't have to go to the hospital though.Which is good.I got really happy
when me and Nikki were on the phone.She got her ears pierced a few more times. ..She said she put rainbow earring in one of them.And she was like "This one's for Jennifer." That made me feel good.And when we hung up,she said she loves me.We used to do that everytime we got off the phone,and I missed it.And she did it again.I was so happy! Just the feeling of her saying she loves me without me saying it first.I did say it,but that was earlier in the conversation.But,it made me SOOO happy!!! She knows I love her! I'm starting to realize that she loves me! I'm still having a few doubts,but I feel better about the whole thing.Me and my mom made up,too.We went to see a movie together.Which we don't do.That was the first time I've been to the movies in over two years.So,everything feels good.For now.I know I'll probably get my head all fucked up again.I know I'm probably exaggerating the whole thing..I hate feeling like this about her.I HATE IT!!! But,my head is fucked up.I guess my heart is fucked up too.I feel really bad about saying that about David in the letter I wrote her.Because of what happened.I dunno,I just realized that I was being a bitch about the whole thing.I really hope she doesn't get pissed when she reads is.IF she reads it that is...

Holy shit! I just found out that David overdosed on Skittles...He had to go to the hospital,and they don't know if he is going to live.Yea,I only met him once,and I'm not very fond of him...But I'm still worried.Mostly about Nikki though.I hope she doesn't do anything stupid.Maybe this will make her realize that drugs aren't very good.I know that's a horrible thing to say,but...You know how it is.She is really upset.And her mom was being a bitch.So,yea.But...Yea...

Things are starting to build up on me.We had a football game against Flowery Branch today.I was hoping Nikki would come,but of course,she didn't.So,I was upset the whole game.Afterwards,my mom starts bitching me out because she couldn't find me.She said that I snuck off to do drugs with my friend,Meredith,which isn't true AT ALL.And she starts lecturing me about drugs and shit.She said if I talked to her more,that MAYBE she could start trusting me.Then she gets pissed off at ME for telling her that she never believes me when I say something to her.And,how am I supposed to talk to her,when all she ever does is call me a liar,and we end up fighting? She should've been able to tell by the look on my face,that I was having a bad day.But,does she care? Nope.And when we get home,she threatens to ground me,for who KNOWS what.And I say "Why,because you keep calling me a liar?" And she yells at me some more! GAH! Why now? Why does this have to happen now? I have a best friend that doesn't care,and parents who treat me like a criminal.And stupid assholes at school who spread rumors that aren't true,and call us stupid names like DYKE and GOTHIC..GAH! Everything is just getting worse,and worse.And now,I feel like I'm gonna go insane.I dunno,but this is worse...It's adding on TOP of everything else...I don't know whether to be sad,depressed,pissed off...I always cry when I get like this,it makes me feel better.I guess,it's just a release or something.But now,they won't come out.My heart hurts so bad.It feels like it's gonna pop out of my chest.I wanna cry,I wanna scream...I want to leave,really.Get away from here....I hate it here.I feel so powerless.My parents don't help any.Nikki doesn't help any.The only person that really helps is Bethanie.Because I can talk to her,and she can relate.And I love that.Just now,everything is building up,and I can't stand it...

This is weird.Whenever I think of Nikki,I get so upset.And usually,I end up crying.But I love thinking about her.Not the problems we are facing,but her,in general.I see her face in my mind.And it never goes away.It's stuck there.Reminding me that I can never be with her.It's an image that I can never erase.And I don't plan to any time soon.She is so beautiful.I can't get her out of my head.I have to fight the tears every time I do something for her.The poems,the stories,my diary entries.It's so hard not to cry.I go to bed each night wanting to call her up and tell her that I love her.Though she already knows,I just want to make her FEEL beautiful.Because she is.She is the most beautiful person I've ever seen.Inside and out.Though,with everything I've been saying,she may not seem beautiful,she truly is.She's a WONDERFUL friend,I just don't think she realizes what she's doing to me.

I saw a little girl,
With hair of crimson red.
She began to cry,
And reached her hand out to me.

I asked what was wrong,
She shrugged.
She was blank,
Insecure.

The little girl fell over.
I saw the blood on her face.
Her crimson hair shone bright in the sun.
I knelt down beside her,
And to my surprise,
Her beautiful red hair
Lost all its life.
The crimson color was now black,like her soul.
Her limp,lifeless body
Lie there in the dust.
Who could she be?

I saw a little girl today...
And that little girl was me.

Falling apart.
Drifting away.
Complete strangers
With nothing to say.

All the love for you.
There's nothing left for me.
I need the end
To set me free.

I see the knife
Laying there.
I pick it up.
My flesh,it tears.

The blood comes now.
What a horrid sight.
I fall to the ground
On my silent night.

I love her smile.
The twinkle in her eyes.
The way she looks at me,
When we say our "good-byes".
I love the way she laughs.
Her beautiful voice when she sings.
I love her full,pink lips.
I love everything.
I love her mind,
Her heart,
Her soul.
She's so beautiful to me.
The only one I see.
I love everything about her.
And that's how it always will be.

They betrayed her,
And left her out to die.
They never really cared
How much they made her cry.

They left her stranded,
She is never to be found.
They lifted her up,
Only to let her fall back down.

"What has happened to me?"
She cries out.
Silence...
She lost everything.
Everyone.
But one...

Someone still loves her.
As they always have.
They will love her 'till the end,
But she will never understand.

I guess it's time for me to give up.
There's nothing more for me.
I've tried for way to long.
I guess it wasn't meant to be.

I love you more than words can show.
And you never seem to care.
You treat me like the enemy
That was never really there.

I write you sappy love letters,
And poems that never rhyme.
But you go back to the same routine
Every fucking time.

What's wrong with you.
Can't you hear my tortured screams.
I reach out to touch you.
But you never reach back to me.

Can't you see how much I love you.
You mean everything to me.
You'll always be my one and only
Beauty queen.

A beautiful flower.
Filled with sunshine,
Hope.
Together with the ones she loves.
Beautiful colors all around.
Songs of happiness are sang.
The garden of love flourishes more each day...
A beautiful world where it never rains.

One day,the sun stopped shining.
Her beatiful pedals were sprayed with hatred.
The beautiful sunshine is gone.
Now there are only dark clouds.
Dangerous creatures lurking
Around ever corner of this once happy world.
The ones she loved
Have left her side.
She is alone.

A beautiful flower.
Transformed into a dark stem.
Dead to everyone.
Including herself.

I keep feeling smaller,and smaller.Like nothing I do is right.Like there is nothing I can do to make everything alright.I feel like I am wasting my time trying to make something out of nothing.This is by FAR the WORST feeling I've ever had.Not this,but everything that has been going on in the past year,or so.I feel like I'm worthless.Powerless.Like there is nothing I can do to stop this.The feelings,and even the reasons behind them.I feel completely useless.Like I'm just a nothing.To everyone around me.Including the one I love.Who I will NEVER be able to be with.I wish it weren't like this.But,there's nothing I can do.If there were,believe me,it would have been done LONG before now...

X.X

Nikki,
You're like a tornado rampaging through my heart.Taking up every last bit of space,and destroying everything in its path.I DID fall in love with someone else.But you'll always have the biggest space in my heart.It's over with me and Jordan now.I didn't love her,I'll NEVER love her as much as I love you.It wouldn't even compare!You are the most important thing in my life.And even though it's hard to see,I know you care about me.Even if not a lot.At least I know I'm somewhere in that heart of yours.And that's just as good a feeling.I just wish I could make you understand what you mean to me.Best friends break up ALL THE TIME! I don't want that to happen to us.I know we're drifting apart,and we don't really know each other anymore.But,I'm hoping we can fix it.I love you so much,you don't even know.I'm sorry if I EVER did anything to hurt you,because that's the LAST thing I want to do.And,no matter how many times you've made me cry,and will in the future,I will always love you.Nothing can change that.No one can change that.EVER!I love you more than life itself.I hope you know that.And no matter what happens with us,I will never forget you.All the great times we had together.All the fun we had,all the love we used to share.I miss you,Nikki.I wish I could say I knew you.But,I don't.I don't know you.You're becoming a complete stranger to me,and I HATE it.Why is this happening to us?We always thought we could make it through everything.I still believe we can,but it's just so hard.It's almost impossible to stop thinking about you.It's impossible to think about you without crying.Do you know how many nights I've cried myself to sleep just at the thought of losing you?There are so many things that I want to say to you,but I can never seem to find the words to describe how I feel.I've tried many times,but you still don't seem to understand.I want to spend time with you,I want to be with you.But,everytime we speak,my heart shatters into a thousand more tiny little pieces.I feel like you are shutting me out of your life.Like you just don't care anymore.Like you have given up on me.On US.Sometimes,it seems like the only person you care about is David.Do you know how much that hurts me?You are the best and truest friend I have ever had in my life.I always thought we would be together forever.But,at the rate we're going now,I'm starting to doubt it.I don't want to lose you.I would absolutely DIE if I didn't have you in my life.I don't know how to make you understand.I wish I could talk to you,but when I get so close,my mind goes blank.I'm overcome by fear.The fear of losing you.The fear of you being angry at me.I know we desperately need to talk about everything that is going on,but nothing seems to give me the courage to confront you.You know that I'll always be there to catch you when you fall.I'm just afraid that you won't be falling my way.Into MY arms.Coming to ME when you get hurt.Turning to ME when you need help and support.We had a dream once,we gave up on that dream.What do we have now?Broken memories of always being together,and knowing where we were to turn when we were hurt.Now,I'm not sure who to turn to.And I'm not sure if you would still turn to me.Sometimes,I think that I don't want to love you.I want to love someone who loves me,too.But everytime,my heart goes right back to you.Your face flashes right back into my head.I can't stop loving you.I wouldn't be LIVING without you.I thought I found someone who cared,but it turns out,that was all a lie.Is this a lie,too?Do you really love me?Or do you just say that because I always tell you how much I love you?I really don't know anymore.I used to KNOW you loved me,because you showed it in the way you talked to me,the way you always wanted to be with me.What has happened to us?All I know is that...I love you,Nikki.No matter what I will ALWAYS love you.Remember that while you're getting your heart broken by all of your "friends".

Love,
Jenn