Yes, this is private. Only for me to see. Who knows, perhaps I'll show it to her one day. But for now this is to stop the tears from flowing, though I'm not quite sure it will work as well as I'm hoping. I'll start by stating a quote that I found on a banner a while back. "Is it possible to love someone so much, you live to hear them breathe ?" Because that's the way I'm feeling. In love; oh, so in love. When I talk to this girl, it's like my heart stops. I'm afraid to speak, in fear of sounding idiotic. I'm afraid to move, in fear of looking idiotic. Now, I'm usually not the type to try to impress people. But with her, it's different. Just a simple thought of her makes my heart burn with desire, makes my eyes burn with hot tears crawling to the surface, aching to break free. It hurts more, because now, I know how she feels. She loves me, this I know. But I'm afraid never in the way that I love her now. I'm at a loss of words, there are no words deep enough to describe my love for her. Call me crazy, but I think this is the furthest I've ever fallen. I dream about her, I think about her constantly. I cry over her. Yea, yea, yea. I'm only fifteen, too young to understand love, right ? NO - There is no other way to describe this feeling. It is not only desire, pining, lust. Yes, I want her, but even more so - I need her. I feel I need her to breathe, to merely walk a step forward. My lungs feel as if they will cave in at this moment. My heart feels as if it will burst from my chest, beating rapidly, high speed, non-stop. No, there aren't any tears. Only because they can't escape. This is a much too strong a feeling for tears. Yes, it hurts so much I can't cry. I stare blankly, waiting for the tears to come. But they don't, not knowing that they feel good to me. I'm shaking, I'm aching. OH NO - Soon I'll be breaking. Breaking more than I am now. I am talking to this girl now, acting as if nothing is wrong. Not thirty minutes ago were we talking about our feelings toward each other. She knows how much I love her, she knows how much I want to be with her. But does she know how much I need her ? Does she know how much I love to see her smile, how I wish to be the one causing the smiles ? My heart is breaking, it just can't take the pressure. But I need these feelings to keep my heart beating. Is it strange to enjoy the things that hurt you ? I hate it, I love it, I need it, I can't live without it. It's driving me mad, yet keeping me sane. Driving me into the ground, yet keeping me on my feet. Puncturing me severly, yet completing me completely.
I want to be there, every waking moment, making sure she's alright. I want to be there, at all times, keeping her safe, holding her tight.Is it wrong that I want to protect her ? To make her nightmares go away. To make the bad times seem not so bad. To make the good times seem greater than ever. She's been hurt before, as have we all. I want to make it so she never has to hurt again. Tears will be far from the surface, there will only be laughter and smiles. Tears will be locked away in some magical container, for she will no longer need them. Her screaming will fade away, only laughter and smiles. Blood red vision, turns to bright-ness. Sunny-days; happiness. I am overflowing with love to give her. My only problem is, she doesn't accept. She wishes to stay in her blood-drenched world, darkness overpowering her will to be happy. No laughter, no smiles. Only screaming and crying. I wish to take it all away, but how ? Things aren't as easy as they are in my dreams. I get scared. How do I help when I'm overpowered by fear ? How do I help her when she won't allow it ? How do I transform her blood-stained face back into its once beautiful form ? How can I turn her world back into the land of happiness in which she once lived... I can save myself, by saving her.
You're like fucking poison. When I see you I get sick. I mean this not to be harsh, nor cruel. Simply to be honest. I'm sick because when I see you, my heart drops into my stomach. I get weak in the knees. I'm a nervous wreck. Is it wrong of me to want to impress you ? I can't look you in the eye, because I know you can see my face. Is it wrong of me to want you to love me ? You're like fucking poison. I mean this not to be brutal, nor to bring you down. Simply to be true to you, and myself as well. When I see you, I'm sick. Sick with undying love. Love that will never be broken, nor rendered.
Is it strange that I want to impress you ? Is it wrong that I love you, and wish for love in return ? You're like fucking poison. But, kill me, it will not. This, my beautiful poison, keeps me alive. This, my beautiful poison, keeps me breathing; keeps my hopes high. This...My beautiful poison.
I hate this feeling. I go back and forth, from room to room. I smoke a million cigarettes, until I fall asleep. I say I'm gonna read a book, but never do. I eat everything. I'm on the internet for hours doing absolutely nothing. [I write things that don't make sense.] I bounce around, jump around, run, hop, skip - WHATEVER ! I make *layouts* like the dork I am. I put on clothes, just to look at them. I click everything on my computer just to see what's inside. I go through about a GA-JILLION channels on the T.V., to find there's absolutely nothing on. I play my keyboard, play with my camera. I talk to myself about nothing, really. I promise myself I'll take a shower, but don't. I walk aimlessly around the house, trying to find SOMETHING to do. I wait in anticipation for the big event tomorrow afternoon. [Band concert]. I can't stand this feeling. -BOREDOME !
-Strange ? I think not...
Stitch up my heart, where it's broken inside. Piece it back together, before my body dies.
-Chorus-
I'll die waiting for your gentle touch. I'll hate myself for wanting you so much. I'll fade away, watching the fire in your eyes. Not caring that you did nothing to keep me alive.
-Ends-
Stitch up my heart with your needle and thread. Hello, Mr. Broken Heart. I seem to be dead.
-Chorus-
I'll die waiting for your gentle touch. I'll hate myself for wanting you so much. I'll fade away, watching the fire in your eyes. Not caring that you did nothing to keep me alive.
-Ends-
-Scream-
Hurry, doctor. Before I go insane. Before the breaking of my heart incinerates my brain.
-By me !
*Little Sister*
I didn’t know you long,
But I loved you all the same.
And it broke my little heart
When you left us that day.
I didn’t cry,
For I was too young to understand.
Now I long for the sister I once had.
Everyday I wonder,
How it would be if you were here.
I would love you even more.
Sister, dear.
I’ve dreamed of teaching you
Everything I knew.
How to ride a bike,
And how to tie your shoes.
I wish to tell stories…
“My sister and I did this, that.”
I long for the memories.
We hadn’t the chance to have.
No one knew what was wrong.
Cancer…Is what’s in my mind.
And I’ve been searching all these years,
For something I’ll never find.
Someone to fill the void.
The void you left behind.
A sister whom I will love.
…But never find.
I love you Jainie.
And I miss you more each day.
All I can say is “If only.
If only you could come back to me.”
<3
August 19, 1994-August 25, 1994
Well,today was no good.Ashley and Carrie were walking around acting like THEY were going out.They wouldn't even talk to us.Ashley couldn't even look me in the eye.When she first got to school in the morning,she started crying...And Carrie started "Comforting" her.It's like she wanted pity.Why the fuck does SHE need pity.If she didn't want it to happen,she shouldn't have done it.And she was acting like she was pissed off at me the whole day! I didn't do a god damn thing. I sat in my room crying over her.And SHE needs pity! BULLSHIT! I don't know what's up...But I hate it.This is something I wrote yesterday after everything happened:
Something’s wrong with me, isn’t there? I’m impossible to love. I feel as if there is no hope for me. I can never hold on to a relationship, my heart always get broken in the end. I’m so emotional, I just can’t take it. I shouldn’t be complaining. I’m not perfect. I just desperately feel the need to be needed. To be wanted. To be loved. I have a much too fragile heart. The smallest thing can break it. The smallest things make me feel l like putting a bullet through my head. I’m too weak, I can’t take this. It’s just too hard. I want someone to hold me, and tell me everything’s alright. I want someone to tell me they love me, and actually stay by my side. I want to know that I have someone who will always be there to catch me when I fall. To make every waking moment feel like a paradise. Like there is nothing in the world that can faze me. I want to know that the small things I do can make them smile. It’s not only the need to be wanted. It’s the need to know that I can help. I feel as if I can’t do anything for anyone. As if everything I say is nonsense. As if everything I do is an idiocy. I feel completely…Use
Well...Ashley broke up with me. I don't know what it is. I guess I'm just not loveable to people. It's probably my looks. I know I'm not pretty,but,I do have a heart,and that's good. I guess I'm just not supposed to be with anyone...I can never keep a relationship.I always think it's gonna go so great,but then it doesn't...I should probably just give up all together,there
~The only thing worse than dying itself,is living a second of my life without you.The only thing better than immortality,is living a second of my life with you by my side.~
The only thing out there
keeping me alive,
is the sound of your voice,
the twinkle in your eye.
The only thing out there
that could take my life,
is knowing you're gone,
and I held the knife.
~I feel so powerless with this.You go through things people wouldn't even dream of. I want to help you,but I feel like there's nothing I can do to make it alright.~
I <3 U!
What's up with all the fucking homophobia? I have friends who know I'm a lesbian. They know about me & Ashley. Yet they still make stupid gay comments. They should know that it would piss me off. And it does! WTF does it matter? It's the same fucking thing. Two people...In love...Same sex...BAM! It turns into a huge thing. "It's disgusting. It's wrong." NO IT FUCKING ISN'T. So what if it "Goes against what God intended." I have news for you...Bitches. GOD DOENS'T FUCKING EXIST! Get your heads out of your asses, realize that there are things different than what you think, and fucking accept it. You're not the best thing in the whole god damn world. Just because you think it's wrong, doesn't mean it is. I understand that it's your opinion. But, JEEZ! Just GET OVER IT!
I am at a high.I was talking to one of my old friends.Someon
It's been a while.
Since I could
Hold my head up high.
And it's been a while
Since I first saw you.
And it's been a while
Since I could stand
On my own two feet again.
And it's ben a while
Since I could call you.
And everything I can't remember.
As fucked up as it all may seem.
The consequences that I've rendered.
I stretched myself beyond my means.
And it's been a while
Since I can say,
That I wasn't addicted and...
It's been a while
Since I can say,
I love myself as well and...
It's been a while
Since I've gone and fucked things up
Just like I always do.
And it's been a while.
But all that shit seems to disappear when I'm with you.
And everything I can't remember.
As fucked up as it all may seem.
The consequences that I've rendered.
I've gone and fucked things up again.
Why must I feel this way?
Just make this go away.
Just one more peaceful day.
And it's been a while
Since I could
Look at myself straight.
And it's been a while
Since I said I'm sorry.
And it's been a while
Since I've seen the way
The candles light your face.
And it's been a while
But I can still remember just the way you taste.
And everything I can't remember.
As fucked up as it all may seem
To be.
I know it's me.
I cannot blame this on my father.
He did the best he could for me.
And it's been a while.
Since I could
Hold my head up high.
And it's been a while.
Since I said I'm sorry.
**Dedicated to Ashley**
Hola! Sorry you guys..I'll have the rest of my profile up,but right now...My computer is being a poop head.It does that alot. ::Punches computer screen:: Ahh..Much better.Lol.Wel
David is fine!! He called,and he's home.He will most likely have to go to Laurelwood,but we're not sure yet.I found out that Kevin took one more Skittle than David did.So,he was,most likely,worse than David.He didn't have to go to the hospital though.Which is good.I got really happy
when me and Nikki were on the phone.She got her ears pierced a few more times. ..She said she put rainbow earring in one of them.And she was like "This one's for Jennifer." That made me feel good.And when we hung up,she said she loves me.We used to do that everytime we got off the phone,and I missed it.And she did it again.I was so happy! Just the feeling of her saying she loves me without me saying it first.I did say it,but that was earlier in the conversation.B
Holy shit! I just found out that David overdosed on Skittles...He had to go to the hospital,and they don't know if he is going to live.Yea,I only met him once,and I'm not very fond of him...But I'm still worried.Mostly about Nikki though.I hope she doesn't do anything stupid.Maybe this will make her realize that drugs aren't very good.I know that's a horrible thing to say,but...You know how it is.She is really upset.And her mom was being a bitch.So,yea.B
Things are starting to build up on me.We had a football game against Flowery Branch today.I was hoping Nikki would come,but of course,she didn't.So,I was upset the whole game.Afterward
This is weird.Whenever I think of Nikki,I get so upset.And usually,I end up crying.But I love thinking about her.Not the problems we are facing,but her,in general.I see her face in my mind.And it never goes away.It's stuck there.Remindin
I saw a little girl,
With hair of crimson red.
She began to cry,
And reached her hand out to me.
I asked what was wrong,
She shrugged.
She was blank,
Insecure.
The little girl fell over.
I saw the blood on her face.
Her crimson hair shone bright in the sun.
I knelt down beside her,
And to my surprise,
Her beautiful red hair
Lost all its life.
The crimson color was now black,like her soul.
Her limp,lifeless body
Lie there in the dust.
Who could she be?
I saw a little girl today...
And that little girl was me.