3:37AM 
           Care to much..
Back-stabbed, betrayed, broken.
Cut open to pieces, when you all knew it..
I want to run from caring about you all...
I want to be selfish for once, just one time I want to feel like I have a say at all.
You took me forgranted, now you don't know who to run to when I say "No!"
"Screw You!", I yell in my head. Wishing I could just say it out loud.
You all hurt me so much. I just don't want to care. Don't want to feel real.
I want to be cold, numb inside to you and everything else I hide.
You will see the smile on my face as I walk down the hall,
But when I go home I take the smile and put it in the razor blade, that brings my blood, the pain I hide..
Hide all my wounds with smiles, closing my insides with hellos.
All I ever wanted was to be happy, but caring is one thing I am good at.
So I will care tell it becomes my death, I don't want to die but I cannot stop caring.
So when you see the cuts don't say anything, go on with your happy life as if you didn't see it.
I am just your councilor, your friend, someone you could confine in..
When you are done with me, push me to the side.
Through me away, I won't feel it cause I am always in the trash everywhere I go.. That is my home...

                     10/18/04 2:50A.M. 

                                    My
                               Suicide Note
A girl screams out, "Fuck life"! No one hears the scream and she hides in her corner. She realizes she is alone. Not just that there is no one with her at the moment, but she has no one to fall back on when things get hard. She takes the blade and slices one more time.
The blood drips from her wrist and her arm gose numb. "I couldn't feel it all before so why not make the pain feel real", she asks herself?
So many scars on her wrists, stomach, and legs, what is one more just to add to thouse? All the people that have tried to help have faild. She pushed them all away and when she did they all ran the other way.No one to confind in, no one to seek help to. She was completly empty.
She thought about what she did, could have done, and did not do right. The memories of her Baby girl ran in her mind for days. She knew she could not forget this girl that was in her life for nothing less than a couple weeks. So alone she felt as she realized that she would not come back this time.
Never wanting to die more, she could only think of one thing. SUICIDE. Asking herself, "Is it worth it? !NO! Should she do it? !NO! Is there enought to hold onto that will keep her here?!NO!."
All the answers are so clear. Don't do it.! But, she cannot hold on anymore. She asked herself one final question. "How should I do it?"
Cutting came first to her mind."Nah, can't cut that deep".
Rope and ceiling came next. "What if it breaks. I will be screwed."
Falling from a builing.."No, to many staires to climb."
She finally desided that she did not want to die by pain, but of something no one would know of. She just could be sleeping not dead...
She went to school the next day to say her last good-byes and sorry's. No one thought anything of it because she acted so happy that day. But they all had their disbelifes, they all questioned what was wrong? But they all kept to themselves.
Walking home she called the girl she did not want to love anymore and said, "Love is not something I was looking for, love is not something I ever wanted, but you will always have mine. Don't feel like this is your fault. Don't be sad, please go on with you life like you never met me." She quickly hung up and walked in the door of her empty home.
Put a note on the counter saying, "I am not going to wake up this time. I am sorry Mom!! I never ment to fall in love and lose myself. I love you and please don't do anything like I have done. I want you to go on with your life. Please, tell Dad I am sorry for fighting with him, and tell everyone I love them very much! Tell my sister to live life to the fullest, don't take one minute forgranted and have fun with her childhood. I love you and I am so sorry!"
She gulped the gasoline and took a bottel of sleeping pills. Went in her room turned on the song that reminded her of the girl and fell asleep. Never waking up.
A life gone. Her dreams out the door. Her last thought was, "How could I love someone that does not want me, someone I do not know and I have not been with for more than a month? How could I have taken my life for someone that hates me?"
There were no answers to that because no one knew what she was thinking when she floated away into her own perfect world.

No Name Poem....
Could this be my nightmare?
Could this be my dream?
Tell me I am sleeping.
Please wake me up I don't want to scream..

You left me when I needed you the most.
you cried over me, now I don't want you hurt.
I didn't want to fall in love,
then again I don't want to do a lot of things.

I told you how I felt, I let you in.
The walls around my heart caved in.
You hurt me the most when you said "I love you"
Because I knew that someday you would regret it.

My life is full of lies things I cannot denie.
Things that have made me so numb inside.
Can't I just die?I wouldn't care who killed me.
Just as long as I didn't have to feel pain.

Feel the pain of regret, feel the pain of lonlyness.
But most of all feel at all.
Before you came I was numb, half dead.
Now you have revived me then killed me again.

I don't blame you, I blame myself.
I should have known better than to believe.
Believed when you said "I won't leave you"
Believed that you would fall in love with me...

It's not you...
I'm just so used to being alone...
Good-bye my angel...
I would do anything to have you back..