I would be very suprised if anyone ever actually reads this (and would also liked to know, merely out of curiosity). I know I never bother to read the diaries of people here, mainly because large amount of them consists entirely of "Oh, I'm so depressed, and GOTH, I should kill myself to spare those around me (depsite the fact that I'm really terribly cool, on account of being so GOTH, and so is merely misunderstood.). The darkness is my only friend (besides my other misunderstood friends, naturally, who like me are terribly original and special, which we show by dressing exactly the same).

And I'm fat.

I think I'll go hurt myself."     <---- DIE!


Don't think I don't pity those poor creatures. I used to SI. For years. I don't think it's a joking matter. I used to wear all black. For years. Made finding one sweater in the ocean of blackness that was my closet a real pain. I used to be depressed. Yes, you guessed it, for years. Even before the blackness and the cutting. You can actually be depressed without being *shutters* goth. AMAZING, huh?


Though I must say, all my attempts at gothness failed pretty fast, as I don't have that "let me suffer into eternity" spirit. Sad, really, since people seem to find walking around in constant gloom and moaning silently about their terrible fate to be so very rewarding. Am I missing something? Is being voluntarily depressed fun?

I know you will most likely say that people don't choose to be depressed. I'll agree. In some cases. Some people are simply depressed, unable to fight it off. Most people, however, choose to be. Yes, I said choose to be. PEOPLE CAN CHOOSE TO BE DEPRESSED. Like they can choose not to be.
But for some reason, people seem to be either completely unaware of this fact, or completely unwilling to do it.


From my diary: "I end up doing anything and everything EXCEPT studying, thus feeling incredibly guilty and depressed and thus avoiding studying even more. No, it doesn't make any sense, yes it's incredibly stupid, but I can't FUCKING HELP IT!

I realised today that self-destructiveness is like gravity. Once it's got a hold, it's VERY difficult to pull away from it. It just keep sucking you in, the bloody thing.
Of course, I usually tend to think that gravity is not so much a law of nature, as a general (entirely voluntary) good idea, but it is a very forcefull good idea, just like self destructiveness is a very forceful bad idea."


I'm all out of things to say, this was just a pointless rant, I didn't actually have a point to make, though it might have seemed that way. Well, only this. Depressed people should stop believing in gravity. It's a stupid thing, really. Probably some form of propaganda from evil squirrels. I blame Foamy! Go blame Foamy.
http://www.illwillpress.com

I don't want to write in my diary, but I'm trying very hard to find reasons to stay online because I have other important things to do and I'm very very self destructive right now. Make any sence?
I have to study. I have an exam 2 months earlier than I'd thought, in 3 weeks, and I'm so not ready for it. So NOT ready for it! And of course, me being the self-destructive idiot that I am, I end up doing anything and everything EXCEPT studying, thus feeling incredibly guilty and depressed and thus avoiding studying even more. No, it doesn't make any sense, yes it's incredibly stupid, but I can't FUCKING HELP IT!

I realised today that self-destructiveness is like gravity. Once it's got a hold, it's VERY difficult to pull away from it. It just keep sucking you in, the bloody thing.
Of course, I usually tend to think that gravity is not in fact a natural law, just a good idea, but it is a very forcefull good idea, just like self destructiveness is a very forceful bad idea.

And I'm getting sucked in and it's getting harder and harder to pull away and I'm gonna utterly and completely fail my ENTIRELY voluntary exams, and be a complete and utter failure and have a miserable time.

Help?

Okay... Now if you're sitting there saying (assuming you're actually reading this) "Why on earth are you still writing? Why don't you just turn off the bloody computer and go study, for fucks sake?", I'll be compelled to punch your nose for telling me the truth.
Which I already know.
And it's not doing any good.
The truth is overrated.
I hate this.
Any good suggestions not involving the truth?

I saw the best Formula 1 race ever today! It was so cool! *waves a McLaren Mercedes flag and cheers*

Okay... I am a weak person! Weak weak! I'm just too easy to "lead astray". Like now. I'm really supposed to be studying. Even got two whole hours off from normal class every friday to study on my own. And here I am... *bad bad*

It's just that I always have such good reasons to do something else that I just can't argue with myself! And even though I have even better reasons for doing what I should, they just never seem to come up...

Everybody hates me. No, of course I don't seriously think that, I'm not stupid. But I am being very paranoid, and at the moment the thought doesn't seem all that crazy. It did at the start of this paranoid period, and I ignored it expecting it to pass as usuall, and it didn't. And now I'm quite ready to believe it. My logic is failing me.

Even if everybody doesn't hate me (I know my mum doesn't, for one), they sure doesn't like me much. And you know what? I don't care if I'm being pathetic right now. I'm depressed, I bloody deserve to be pathetic.

And it seems every girl in school is thinking I'm after her boyfriend. WHY? Stop ruining my life!

I have never in my life been this normal, and never felt this WEIRD! I mean, positively freaky!
I miss my other weird friends.

The glass bubble is back. Haven't seen it since I was 13. Strange, once again I'm the only one who sees it. Well, I think they do, they just don't care enough. Let's just hope it doesn't go black. Depression black.

I'm going deaf. Speak louder.

OH! A DIARY! What fun! *happy dance*

But whoever's going to read this? Why are you reading this? Tell me, tell me! *threatens with ... something unpleasant*

Okay, diary... Wanna know everything I did today? I made lots of waffles.

And this morning I woke up after a big party and felt surprisingly well and my first thought was "I want to go to the stable." So I did.
And I tried to lounge Rita the Horse to get her less stressed, but it didn't work. She kept following me like a puppy. Very annoying, but kinda cute. I think I need more practice, though. And I suspect we're getting another horse tomorrow. A small one judging by the bit. (This is the school stable I'm talking about, btw. Yay for living at school!)

But I'm sure you don't care about horses. Even cool ones. How about...well, no. Don't really have anything interresting to say besides horses today. Tomorrow maybe. I gotta go watch a video of the Spanish ridingschool in Wienna. Now that's cool. *poff*