My heart, so heavy, I wish to drop it. Love is cruel, with intentions of bliss laced with pain... to love is to hurt as he does, and to hurt for him, to make love is painful, is there nothing in love not to suffer for?
 I hate this place, I want to get out of this state, this country. I wish I could live somewhere cold. So cold that maybe my heart would freeze over... then maybe it wouldn't cling desperately to another... then maybe it wouldn't hurt anymore...

I have never been so humiliated, desecrated, and violated in all of my life...


Oh, and by the way, these construction workers are tearing down the trees around the creek behind my house... I've never heard so many screams go silent in my life... my head is hurting, nearly as much as my heart;_;

DEATH TO THE TREE KILLERS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! ;_;

Oh, what joys... I have been bestowed the honor of being the bearer of a lovely headcold... I've been somewhat bedridden for the past three days^_^ Who ever thought knitting could be so much fun?
;p

You'll be love and I'll be a liar
Saying I don't want you
When we both know I crave your fire

Stop me now before I fall again
I don't know where I'm going
And I can't remember where I've been

... life is sick... when what you want most finally is in sight, it's just, oh I don't know, a few million miles away... if I'm being so wise, why do I feel like a fool?
-little rants...

I'd burn the city down to show you the light
I'll love you forever and not just tonight

My conscience told me to leave you alone
But I was sure I could save your heart of stone

Paralysis brought subtelty obscene
I was ready to die to know what you'd mean

Seeing my body lying still on the floor
Must've dropped your heart like black horror

What was it like to feel my forehead
And believe I'b soon be good as dead

Were you scared to be close to me
You saw all my pain, did you want to be free?

This twilight brought unnatural fears
As rain revealed my tainted tears

Will you ever understand my treason?
I'm dying to show you love has a reason
-Tsaya

Fire-Lit Eyes

Always sad and always tired
Feeling lonely and undesired
Tired eyes in busy places
Feeling closed in open spaces

Across the crowded room you sit
I wished to talk to you with wit
And gaze into your fire-lit eyes
That entrance me like the fire-flies

Would you come to call on me?
And tell your heart I am the key
Please tell me in your gentle way
That with me you'll forever stay

I think you're beautiful, but then again beauty is in the eyes of the beholder, so I guess my eyes are pretty...

I know it makes no sense, but I was just talking to myself and said it that way by accident, I actually got the words mixed up and liked it, so I wrote it down^_^'

You are my heart when I am lonely
You are my breath when I cannot breathe
I've bean dying to tell you that you are my life...
Because all of my life I would die to save you.


A fragment of something I'm working on... unfinished...

All my childhood dreams have been shattered... because I just realized...

Mr. Rogers lives in a trailer Park...



Ok, in all seriousness, it really didn't shock me or anything, but my sister was watching it (she's 14 but thinks she's 21) and I come in and I'm like 'Oh wow, he lives in a trailer park...' and then stalk off with my bagel... just a tamer part of my day...

I think I'm gonna be ok, but sometimes life just makes me sick...

I know it's the cowards way out,
but I just want you safe
So don't see me
Forget our memory
Because I left, you'll be spared
So just forget you ever cared

See me across an empty room
Only I will feel the crowding doom
So turn away, I'm protecting you
Don't recognize the love you once knew
Please stay as far as you can from me
I'd be alright knowing you're safe from pain...
              - Tsaya


Just something random I wrote for a story in my head...

The one thing in life no one can live without is someone to relate to...

The most difficult but inspiring lives to lead is the life of an artist(in any form) and the life of an empathetic person... Empathy lightens the load of the reciever, but heavies the heart of the hearer... it's like a weapon that destroys pain of others and then points the double edged blade right back on the user... sometimes when I listen to a friend of mine about what they are going through and can feel every blow, whether physical or emotional... I only know two other people with these same... 'talents'... we're like the scapegoats for pain...

So tie your pain to us like red ribbons and send us out into the dessert to die, we will return soon as white as the sands we died in, but only on the outside... we go on because we know we could prevent the death of a friend...
But we still have baggage of our own, please don't forget that!
I've sen someone in pieces on the floor ready to cut some more, and I couldn' let them do it because I had already and it only lead to more...


Ok, I'm drained, I need sleep... or my sketchbook and music...

All my life I've been dying to tell you I'd give you my all...

You know what? I thinkI want to be a mom... NOT YET!!!!!!!! Just sometime in the next ten years... preferably fives or six years from now AT THE LEAST!!! It's kinda been in the back of my mind for a year now...

Hmmm... just a thought...

Btw, I have 5 brothers and sisters^_^' ... middle child... bleh...

I need to write something... or sketch...

There's something I don't understand here...

when I dress in the way I feel I best can express myself, people either ask me if I'm a satanist(mostly little kids from church...?) or tell me I'm gothic... then when I talk to people on here or somewhere they can't see me and ask me what I look like I get kind of lazy and say I dress like a gothic person... and THEN they say I label myself!!! ARGH!!! I just dress darkly and stuff because that's how I express myself artistically! I think I'm going crazy... or just cross eyed^_^'''

  What of pain?

When the floor is blood stained

and your soul is nailed to the door

Pain is the rhythm of life

But why?

Why must blood circulate within our veins

But also lace our rivers with crimson snow?

 But this is how our lives flow

Love has been disgraced, forsaken

Tainted by the twisted, ruined for the innocent

Is there hope for redemption?

Will a savior rise resilient?

Will we awaken to see it,

Or remain unmoved in our nightmares?

         … Once upon a nightmare…



I'm in a little depressed slump right now, I'm moving-_- Seventh time so far;_;

To me, moving is like dying... come around the ninth time, I may just stay dead...

Where are you when your eyes grow dark
What Happens when you've lost your spark
I watch you in your misery
And see in your face a mystery
-Tsaya

“What do you see in me?” I ask, my eyes pleading. Pleading for him to let me go, let my blood flow from the gash I would soon make, if only he hadn’t saved me from myself.
“Innocence.” that one word, so loving, yet so wrong. If only he could see… see the things I saw, as a mere child. No. I could not let that happen, never.
He was naive, and innocent as a child. I knew I had to preserve that. He should not have to go through what I did. He was an orphan as was I, but he did not see it. He did not see them die. Their murderers took the children and then killed rest. Mine were killed by criminals with no respect for the dead and paraded then tortured them to death. No. I would not let him be scarred by that guilt of the inability to help that I carried. Never.

A piece of a story I'm writing^_^'''

If I had to leave and couldn't come back for a long time, would I be a passing memory to you? Or would it be as though I never existed, completely forgotten?

So black our eyes and cut our wrists
and rule us all with iron fists

Ermm, another first line taken from somebody I felt compelled to further^_^'