Oh goodness...too much thinking...my friends don't realize that their not helping...last year was so much better...people called for no reason...now when I need them to call for no reason the most...they don't...no one understands...I Miss My Mommy...I cry every night...even if it's not litterally crying...I hurt so bad...and I don't want sympathy...I just want someone to be there...but no one is...the one person I would be calling right now is my mom...and I slap myself in the face everytime I try and pick up the phone and call...because...shes...not....there.....and she...never will be again...I wish things were how they used to be...but no matter how much I wish it it will never be like that again...and I despise people who have a good relationship with their mom...I also despise people who have a bad relationship with their mom...because they have a mom...I wish I could atleast fight with my mom...because atleast she'd be here...and I would love her even if we were fighting and she knows that but the point is she'd be HERE...god I wish she was here...we were always very close...everytime I talked about her I would say how much I missed her...and everytime I saw her when I went to her house...I remember sitting on her lap petting her head because she was always very sick...and I'd tell her how much I love her...and she better be there at my wedding...and we'd laugh...because she knew she would be...she absolutely KNEW she would be...and she won't be...she...cant...god Im crying...Kayla is not a crier...I never cry...I miss her so much...I remember one time when she got on a plane to visit my brother in Montana because he's doing a program thing up there for his anger problems...and she didn't tell me and my sister...and she called like 2 weeks later and I was freaking out yelling at her why she didnt tell me what if something happened I couldnt imagine losing her...now that I have...I still can't imagine losing her...I haven't full-on felt it yet...but it's coming and I'm about to have a mental/emotional breakdown...ha...well I already have, way before this even happened...what else is there in life to breakdown on?...oh yes...my spirit...the ambition to do much of anything............Life Itself...too late for all of that I pretty much already gave up...Im so bitter and angry inside...and no one see's it and no one will...no one is there for me as much as they say they are...they don't understand enough to be there for me...no one can be there for me...not even family...and that's just sad...I Don't Have Anyone Anymore...It's all lost...I lost my sense of self...I Give Up
Love Much,
Dark Romances