I just wanted to write a bit and tell everyone that I'm not dead or anything. Just no internet yet, and I'm not really sure when I'll have it again.
We are enjoying our new house, and have got a zoo nearly already due to me and Michael's inability to turn down anything fuzzy, or otherwise cute. XP We now have Cali (of course), another kitten Tasha, a pomeranian mix who is my little man Skipper, Mr. Bojangles our shepherd mix, four fish who I call Lumeire, spaz, and tetra #1 and #2, a rat snake named Nake, and that's all, so far. I think it's plenty for our small home. Mr. Bojangles stays in the back yard, but my kittens and Skipper and the others of course live in the house with us. All were adopted in one way or another. However, Merlin had to be adopted out since he was more an outdoor cat, and we moved next to a highway. I miss him, but I'd rather miss him and know that he's safe in a new home than find him smushed one day.
Michael and I are doing great, and I'm very happy that I took the leap of faith and married him. He is wonderful to me, and I try to be for him as well. I'm finding myself more and more in love with him every day. It's strange, we were together two years before we got married, and yet everything has changed since we've married. For the first time in my life, I am content with the knowledge that I've found someone to grow old with, when before, I was always looking for the next best thing, full of doubt and fear. It is such a comforting feeling knowing that you are going to have someone there to share everything with, and I think as the years go by, and we share more and more experiances together, we will only grow closer. This will however be tested soon I'm afraid. Since the economy is in the state it's in here, it's hard for many people with lower incomes to get by, so to fill the gap in our financial status, and for us to live not paycheck to paycheck, but more securely Michael has decided that he's more than likely going to take a job in Washington state as a seafood processor, which means that he'll be away from home for six months..
Of course, once we become more secure, I'll be able to fly up and spend time with him, but it's going to be so hard to wake up every day and him not be there.
It reminds me of a song by Bjork called Unravel. I hope that we are able to stay close in spirit, even though he's so far away. He loves the fact that he'll be able to be the sole means of income, and I really don't mind that either. I'm not too fond of HAVING to do something every day. I've always preferred to leave my days unscheduled. It's strange that way...I'd make a great artist, if I could draw. XD I envy those of you who can make that work. You deserve it though, I know it's not all talent, but a lot of work as well. Kudos...I'll stick to making hemp necklaces and scarves of yarn. It's what I know. ;)
I feel like much of this is random..may be the pain pill I took earlier. I never take meds unless needed, so this has knocked me for a loop I guess. It's nice though...not something I'd want to make a habit of, but at the moment, it dulls the muscle pain....I don't know how I managed to strain my bum muscles....(innocent look and such should be inserted here...note to self, find new emotes)
I miss you guys! It's strange how close one can become to people they've never met face to face. I hope that you are all doing wonderfully. I'll be on tomorrow as well since I'm spending a few days at my aunts. I hope to talk to a few of you anyways. :) Take care...love and such <3

We finish moving into our house tomorrow! It's exciting, but nerve-wracking at the same time. I won't have the internet for a little while though, so I just wanted to say bye for a bit, but hopefully not for long.
Take care!

Taken from [Cia_mar] ;)

Name...................Mariah
Birthday...............October 12
Birthplace.............America
Current Location.......In the hills
Eye Color..............Green
Hair Color.............Golden brown with a few greys..^_^
Height: ...............5'6
Right Handed or Left Handed...........Right, but ambi
Your Heritage..........German, Cherokee, English, Irish, French, Scottish..etc.etc. I'm a mutt XD
The Shoes You Wore Today..............My crocs
Your Weakness..........Beautiful people and musicians, especially beautiful musicians..mhmm
Your Fears.............Death, and things that may lead to it
Your Perfect Pizza.....Michael's turned me on to the stuffed crust barbeque at Pizza Hut..
Goal You Would Like To Achieve This Year.....Be happy
Your Most Overused Phrase On an instant messenger.....LOL
Thoughts First Waking Up..............It varies from Ugh to Hello morning! XP
Your Best Physical Feature............I like my nose
Your Bedtime...........Anywhere from 9pm to 2am
Your Most Missed Memory...............Spending time with my grandparents when I was a child
Pepsi or Coke..........Tea or water
MacDonalds or Burger King.....MacDonalds
Single or Group Dates.................Both
Lipton Ice Tea or Nestea..............Lipton Tea
Chocolate or Vanilla..................Both ;)
Cappuccino or Coffee..................Cappuccino Do you Smoke....Yes
Do you Swear..............Yes, when appropriate
Do you Sing...............See last question
Do you Shower Daily.......Most of the time...sometimes, it gets really hectic around here and it's near impossible
Have you Been in Love.....Yes
Do you want to go to College..........Twice
Do you want to get Married............I am married
Do you believe in yourself............I'm working on that
Do you get Motion Sickness............Once on a boat in Lake Huron, and a few times in a car, and once on the tilt-a-whirl after several rides
Do you think you are Attractive.......Sometimes
Are you a Health Freak................I'm getting there..
Do you get along with your Parents....I love my parents, but sometimes we don't like each other
Do you like Thunderstorms.............Yes! Love them <3
Do you play an Instrument.............Keyboard, guitar, and Native American Flute
In the past month have you Drank Alcohol.........Nope
In the past month have you Smoked................Yes
In the past month have you been on Drugs.........Nope
In the past month have you gone on a Date........Not really
In the past month have you gone to a Mall........No
In the past month have you eaten a box of Oreos.........No
In the past month have you eaten Sushi.....No
In the past month have you been on Stage.........No
In the past month have you been Dumped...........On my ass while wrestling around on the bed with Michael...um, nevermind
In the past month have you gone Skinny Dipping...........Too cold!
In the past month have you Stolen Anything...............No
Ever been Drunk.....................Oh yes
Ever been called a Tease............A few times, but not much
Ever been Beaten up.................Once, by a lesbian who hit like a man...my first and only black eye..very unpleasant
Ever Shoplifted.....................Yes, but not much
How do you want to Die..............Without fear
What do you want to be when you Grow up.........I'm not sure if I want to grow up..but I guess responsible
What country would you most like to Visit............Germany or Japan
In a Boy/Girl..
Favourite Eye Color:...........I like them all
Favourite Hair Color...........Black or brown
Short or Long Hair.............LONG..yesss
Height.........................Tall
Weight.........................I'm not too concerned with that really. There's some built for speed, and others, for comfort ;)
Best Clothing Style............Leather..and leather..
Number of Drugs I have taken....4
Number of CDs I own.............Over a hundred
Number of Piercings.............11, but only three that I use still
Number of Tattoos...............None yet. Getting first in October
Number of things in my Past I Regret.........I don't know..

Taken from [nathie] XD

Q. Are you right-handed or left-handed?
A. Right-handed.

Q. Have you ever had anything removed from your body?
A. Yes

Q. What is the last heavy item you lifted?
A . A rather large box full of fragile things yesterday....moving is a pain.

Q. Have you ever been knocked unconscious?
A. No, but close once. I was running down the driveway with my dog at my side, and she decided to run in front of me, and my head bounced off the asphalt...that was bad.

RANDOMOLOGY

Q. If it were possible, would you want to know the day you were going to die?
A. Maybe...I don't know. If you knew, then you could enjoy certain parts of life that you may have been afraid of before, but, you would dread that day as well..That's a hard call.

Q. If you could change your name, what would you change it to?
A. I wouldn't. I like my name alright

Q. What color do you think looks best on you?
A. Blues, totally

Q. Have you ever swallowed a non-food item by mistake?
A. Yeah, the occasional fly while riding my bike...among other things..

Q: Do you smile often?
A. Sometimes

Q: Are you a friendly person?
A: Most of the time, but there are those days when being friendly is a little hard

Q. Do you hold grudges?
A. I try not to, and fail most of the time. I know it only hurts yourself, but if someone's really hurt me, it's hard to forget that.

Q. Who do you tell your secrets to?
A. Michael, and a few close friends

DAREOLOGY

Q. Would you kiss a member of the same sex for $100?
A. Of course

Q. Would you allow one of your little fingers to be cut off for $200,000?
A. No, the thought of losing a body part is a major fear of mine...that and it would hurt!

Q. Would you never blog again for $50,000?
A. Sure

Q. Would you pose naked in a magazine for $250,000?
A. I don't know..maybe

Q. Would you drink an entire bottle of hot sauce for $1000?
A. Depends on the type of hotsauce

Q. Would you, without fear of punishment, take a human life for $1,000,000?
A. It would really depend on the person. I feel a little guilty that I couldn't flat out say no, but if a person offered me that much to kill someone who hurt their child or beat on an old person or an animal..something like that, yes, in a heartbeat.

DUMBOLOGY

Q: What is in your left pocket?
A: I don't currently have a left pocket

Q: Do have a hardwood or carpet floor in your house?
A: carpet and linoleum

Q: Could you live with roommates?
A: It's hard..I'd rather not

Q: How many pairs of flip flops do you own?
A: None..I don't really like flip flops

Q: Last time you had a run-in with the cops?
A: A few years ago

Q: What do you want to be when you grow up?
A: If I grow up, happy

FAVORITOLOGY

Q: Number?
A: 7

Q: Season?
A: Autumn

Q. TV show?
A. LA Ink, Ghost Hunters

Q. Flavor of gum?
A. Spearmint

CURRENTOLOGY

Q: Missing someone?
A: Yes

Q: Mood?
A: Freshly awake

Q: Listening to?
A. My Cali cat attacking her stuffed mouse..Too cute!

Q: Watching?
A. What I'm doing here

Q: Worrying about?
A : When our tax refunds will come in

Q: First place you went this morning?
A: Here

Q: What cant you wait to do?
A. Be completely moved in to our house with everything turned on such as internet and satellight.

Q. What do you dread?
A. Moving our bed and our desk...they are heavy. I may leave that to the men :P

Q: What will you do when you answer this question?
A: Run to the restroom then have a smoke

The medication I got from the pharmacy was not Prozac, but Paxil. Since it was the generic, I didn't catch the difference until I looked a bit closer at it today, of course after I had taken a dose of it. I will not be taking another one, that's for sure. I was dizzy, and nauseated, and just felt generally like poo. Have any of you tried Paxil, and if so, how did you feel? I've been reading online that withdrawals are hell, so I know I don't want to ever have to go through that. Perhaps I can find an herbal remedy rather than these pills and such. I'm not sure...if you know of anything, advice would be most welcome. :)

Well, I went to the doctor today, somewhat eventful. I've lost a pound, yea, and she is putting me on Prozac for my night time anxiety. I hate being medicated, but I also hate not being able to sleep due to thoughts of doom and such. So...I'm not sure how the meds will affect me, hopefully I won't be zombie-like, only mellower. Just wanted to explain the situation in case there is to be a change in my outlook suddenly. XP Take care all, and I hope that 2008 is being good to you so far. Loves, hugs and such XOXO

I'm having a hard time even thinking about sleep tonight. It's nearly four in the morning, and my mind is racing uncontrollably. So much has happened in my life, and it seems to have happened so quickly that I haven't had a chance to process it at all, and that scares me.
I'm 27, and just now realizing that there are a great many parts to me, and I'm clueless as to what to do about it. Am I supposed to choose one way to be and just do what I can to be that, or should I embrace them all, even if they sometimes contradict each other?
I wonder if this is a realization I should have come to years ago, or if it's natural for me to start to see these things at this age. My childhood was anything but ordinary, and I wonder at times if the things that happened then somehow delayed this particular stage of mental development.
And now, I'm married, and though I adore Michael, and am happy with him, was this a decision that I might should have held out on until I got all of this figured out?
I've heard before that ignorance is bliss, and I'm realizing that whoever said that must have been a wise person, because having this sort of thought process is anything but blissful. Sometimes not knowing seems to be better than knowing. At least if I didn't know to worry about these things, I would be able to sleep..
In some ways mentally, I feel older than I am, and in others I feel like a child. Utter confusion.

Well, being that it is New Year's Day, the tattoo shops weren't open, so no piercing for me, but tomorrow, it will happen. ;)
Now, about the wedding:
It was very small, as I had hoped, with only mine and Michael's moms, my step-dad, and Michael's sister there. The energy was good, and we all met at Michael's Junior High English Teacher's house. She's a Justice of the Peace, and a very nice lady with an excellent sense of humor. There were lots of laughs, and my mom sobbed like a baby. XP The ceremony lasted all of about fifteen minutes, and it was so funny-Michael was very nervous saying the vows, and when it came to the exchanging of the rings, he slipped and said "With this wing" before he caught himself. It made for a good stress relieving laugh.
Then, we went to the reception which my best friend, Laura, had set up in a banquet hall nearby. It was simple, but lovely, and she really outdid herself on the decorations. About fourteen of our friends and family showed up, and even my dad came with my sister after he had in a fit of rage told me he wasn't coming. I was a bit worried at first, since he and mom divorced, my dad has been openly hostile towards her, but he was very well mannered, and we all had a nice time. Michael and I smudged cake all over each other's face, and LOTS of pictures were taken. I'll post a few if I can find any where I don't look like a deer in the headlights XP
After the reception, Michael and I went out and ate a nice dinner, during which my dad called and told us that he had reserved the jaccuzi suite at a local hotel for us. I'll leave out the details of that, but it was a lovely night ;)
We got lovely gifts, including a gift certificate to a local..um, shall I say shop for "toys" from my mom...niiiiice XP
So that was how my New Year's Eve went. I hope all of you had a safe one, and have a wonderful 2008. I'm interested in seeing what this year will bring. Hopefully lots of happiness and little heartache.

Well, I have decided after tons of contemplation that I am going to get my nose pierced today. I've always been worried about what others views on it would be, but I figure, it's a new year and a new me, so I'm doing it for me. That and Michael thinks it would be hot, which is a definite added bonus. I do however, promise there will be no gaudy hoops, or big ball jobbies. Just a quaint little diamond adding some sparkly to my visage. XD
I will write about the wedding later. I have to get ready to cry!!! I love you guys, and thank you all so much for your well wishes and congratulations. You are all very dear to me.

50 ODD Things about Me ;)

1. Do you like blue cheese?
Sometimes

2. Have you ever smoked heroin?
Nope, never have

3. Do you own a gun?
No, but I'd like to get a concealed weapons permit

5. Do you get nervous before doctor appointments?
YES

6. What do you think of hot dogs?
Depends on the brand really. I HATE Bar S, but I love kosher franks

7. Favorite Christmas song?
Carol of the Bells

8. What do you prefer to drink in the morning?
Water or milk

9. Can you do push ups?
Not many

11. What's your favorite piece of jewelry?
Anything my Gram gave me

12. Favorite hobby?
Anything dealing with music

14. Do you have A.D.D.?
I've not been diagnosed, but sometimes it seems so

15. What is one trait that you hate about yourself?
Any personality traits I've gotten from my dad

16. Middle name?
Elizabeth

17. Name 3 thoughts at this exact moment...
Live free
Getting sleepy
Tobagans XD

18. Name 3 things you bought yesterday
I didn't buy anything yesterday, but Michael bought gas, pizza, and sodas

19. Name 3 drinks you regularly drink.
Water, milk, and tea

20. Current worry right now?
What will life have in store for me

21. Current hate right now?
People who are supposed to love me treating me like shit

22. Favorite place to be?
In nature

23. How did you bring in the New Year?
Last year, at the VFW, this year, getting married, then I don't really know

24. Where would you like to go?
the beach

25. Name three people who will complete this?
I don't know

26. Do you own slippers?
Yes, but need some new ones

27. What shirt are you wearing?
A red V-neck

28. Do you like sleeping on satin sheets?
NO!! I hate satin sheets. Cotton or flannel all the way

29. Can you whistle?
Totally

30. Favorite color(s)?
Cool tones

31. Would you be a pirate?
Already am, a butt pirate :D

32. What songs do you sing in the shower?
I don't know, it varies. Athena can tell you of a memorable time when I was in the bath tub singing Arials by System of a Down. LOL

33. Favorite girl's name?
I like my name a lot, but don't want to sound conceited, so Hannah

34.boys?
Andrew, or William

35. What's in your pocket right now?
Well, I am happy to see you, but NO, a lighter

36. Last thing that made you laugh?
Michael's refusal to let me molest him

37. Best bed sheets as a child?
Smurfs

38. Worst injury you've ever had?
Broken nose and ribs

39. Do you love where you live?
Not really, but I love those that I live with

40. How many TVs do you have in your house?
Five...wow! I hadn't counted before. But only one that I own

41. Who is your loudest friend?
Amber, but I mean that in a dear way. :) I love it when she gets all pissed and changes races <3

42. Do you like your friends?
I love them

43. Does someone have a crush on you?
I don't know, probably...I AM a sexy beast. J/K...no, no I'm not. I really am a sexy beast. XD

45. What is your favorite book?
Rose Madder by Stephen King

46. What is your favorite candy?
Reises Penis...errr..I mean pieces

47. Favorite Sports Team?
None, though I do like the Dolphins colors

48. What song do you want played at your funeral?
None, I don't want a funeral, but rather a celebration of life, followed by my ashes being scattered over the sea. Hmm...maybe In-A-Gadda-Da-Vida

49. What were you doing 12 AM last night?
Being irritated by Michael's snoring

50. What was the first thing you thought of when you woke up?
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

O lovely moon, I call up in my mind
Now that a year has turned how, full of pain,
I climbed this hill to wonder at your light.
And I beheld you hanging there above
That wood, as now, illuminating all.
But then you shimmered vaguely through the tears
Which brimmed my eyes, for life to me was hard,
And is, nor does it ever seem to change,
My charming moon. And yet, recapturing
And numbering the phases of my grief
Provides a certain balm. How sweet-when we
Are young, when memory is short and hope
Seems endless-the remembrance of things past,
Though they were sad, and though the pain endures.

Giacomo Leopardi-To the Moon

I had a dream about my grandma the other night, and tonight, it has really been on my mind..
She was my dad's mother, and I was very close with her and my grandpa. They were the only ones who stayed the same, even when the world around me was full of chaos. They married young, as many did back then, and had just celebrated their 70th wedding anniversary when a month later, my grandpa had a stroke. He passed away within a week, and I remember how strange it was to see my grandma without him. It was obvious that she missed him, but she was a religious woman, and believed that she would see him again, so she didn't dwell on the loss. Nine months later, she had a stroke herself and joined him, along with all others that had gone before her. They were both 88 when they died.
I know that you are supposed to cry when someone is born, and rejoice when they die, or at least that's what I've been raised to believe, but it's been a hard five years without them. So much has changed, and just when I felt I was truly healing, this dream came out of nowhere and set me back again. Much of the dream is vague to me, but the part I remember is me holding her and begging her not to leave me, that she was the last I had left, and even in my dream, I knew that I couldn't keep her.
I truly hope that there is an afterlife so that I can be with them all again, but I've been having doubts. My mother's mother loved my mom, me and my sister so much. My mom was her only child, and she often told us that we were her life. Years before she died, both my mother and I asked her that if she left before we did, to give us a sign, and let us know that the thought of afterlife was true. I know if anybody would be able to cross that boundary, with as much love as she had for us she could do it. She's been gone since February of this year, and I haven't had a sign yet. There is so much that is unknown, and I think that it is that which makes me so afraid of death.
I suppose I'm wondering if any of you out there have had such a sign. I hear of miracles and people being visited by loved ones who have passed on all the time on the television and in newspapers, but to hear it from one of you would be more believable to me. I guess I'm grasping for hope.

I think I have found my next short-term goal...
I met up with a friend last Friday who I hadn't seen in six years. We went down to the lake, to enjoy the moon, and she brought with her a Native American flute. It was really nice, sitting there by the water, and hearing the flute carry over the lake. She let me see if I could play it, and I was able to get some really good sound on it, which was amazing to me since I'd never played a wind instrument in my life. Now I've decided that I MUST have one, and I've found the one I want. It's a High Spirits flute called the Redtail Hawk. It's in the key of G, and I love it, so now, I'm working on saving up $180.75. I hope to have it by the full moon on the 26th. So far, I've got $55, wish me luck :)

As seen at [Simply_Jen]'s house..."Friends are Gods way of apologizing for your relatives" I love it :)

The path of excess leads to the tower of wisdom....

I never realized how much I could miss the rain. We have been having a dry spell here, which has lasted several weeks, and finally, these past two days, it's been raining. I fear it may be too late to help us have the fall colors I enjoy, but it's refreshing none the less. I decided quite suddenly, to go for a walk in the rain. It was actually nice to just let it fall, not worrying about carrying an umbrella or wearing a rain coat. I think I needed that more than I could say. It was cleansing for my spirit, and my spirit has definitely been thirsty lately. I pray that there will be no more sadness, at least for a while.
I've been seeing on many houses sentiments for [Kileaiya], and though I never got the honor of speaking to her, I can see that she definitely is loved by many. Her story is inspiring, and though I feel sadness for all of her friends, for the loss they are feeling, I know that heaven has another angel. It is always refreshing to see a life not wasted...it seems as though she spent her time not wallowing in self pity, as easy as it is to do so, and rather spent it making others feel happy. What a blessing for her friends, and all who had the chance to know her. It certainly gave me some food for thought.

It's A Beautiful Day~White Bird

White Bird
In a golden cage
On a winter's day
In the rain
White bird
In a golden cage
Alone

The leaves blow
Cross the long black road
To the darkened skies
In its rage
But the white bird
Just sits in her cage
Unknown.

White bird must fly
Or she will die

White bird
Dreams of the aspen tree
With their dying leaves
Turning gold
But the white bird
Just sits in her cage
Growing old.

White bird must fly
Or she will die
White bird must fly
Or she will die

The sunsets come
The sunsets go
The clouds Float by
And The Earth Turns slow
And the Young Birds Eyes
Do always Glow
And She must fly
She must fly
She must fly

White bird
In a golden cage
On a winter's day
In the rain
White bird
In a golden cage
Alone

White bird must fly
Or she will die
White bird must fly
Or she will die
White bird must fly
Or she will die
White bird must fly

Sarah McLachlan~Possession

Listen as the wind blows from across the great divide
voices trapped in yearning, memories trapped in time
the night is my companion, and solitude my guide
would I spend forever here and not be satisfied?
and I would be the one
to hold you down
kiss you so hard
I'll take your breath away
and after, I'd wipe away the tears
just close your eyes dear
Through this world I've stumbled
so many times betrayed
trying to find an honest word to find
the truth enslaved
oh you speak to me in riddles
and you speak to me in rhymes
my body aches to breathe your breath
your words keep me alive
And I would be the one
to hold you down
kiss you so hard
I'll take your breath away
and after, I'd wipe away the tears
just close your eyes dear
Into this night I wander
it's morning that I dread
another day of knowing of
the path I fear to tread
oh into the sea of waking dreams
I follow without pride
nothing stands between us here
and I won't be denied
and I would be the one
to hold you down
kiss you so hard
I'll take your breath away
and after, I'd wipe away the tears
just close your eyes...

Celine Dion - I Don't Know

A mountain of stone, a door of steel
Can't stand in my way, I'd go on
Brutal machines, unbending laws
Can't slow me down, I'd go on
I've learned how to deal and when to fight
I know what's real, I know what's right
I'm not afraid, a wounded dove
I can be tender in a world so tough

I'm sure I could face the bitter cold
But life without you, I don't know

The winds of the heart can blow me down
But I get right up and I stand my ground
I've tasted fear, my share of pain
The wasted tears of love in vain
I've held you tight, pushed you away
Now with all my might I beg you to stay

I'm sure I could face the bitter cold
But life without you, I don't know

I know what I want, I know what I need
But there's just one thing I must believe
Deep in the night by a dying flame
You will be there when I call your name

I'm sure I could face the bitter cold
But life without you, I don't know

I don't know