I should have gotten another Nikon. They take much better photos than the Sony Cyber Shot in my opinion. Oh well, live and learn I guess.

I saw his face for the first time tonight in nearly ten years. Immediately it was hard to breathe, like I had been punched in the stomach. We're both married now, it shouldn't feel that way, but I've never in my life loved anyone the same way I loved him. A feeling so powerful could not possibly last forever, it would consume it's host leaving nothing but burnt embers and eventually ash.
In the photo he's smiling, it even nearly touches his eyes. Damn nostalgia...

Youth

With my mind's eye I can see us, the way we used to be
Free from the opinions we grew to be expected to have
Free from self-consciousness and insecurities
When we were young and love was a possiblity
Dreams were believed to come true and we had not yet felt the sorrow of death
Bitterness over life's injustices had not yet poisoned us
When you walked with me through the wooded path
Hands held to keep me from stumbling
Listening to the whip-poor-wills at night

4/1997-5/2011

The One You Have Not Seen- Sophie B. Hawkins

I want to walk beside you
Nowhere that I have ever been
And of the dreams inside you
I am the one you have not seen

You make me feel a school girl
Restless to take your point of view
Into my mystery world
Finding that one is more than two
I feel abused
By my own mind
I can't refuse
An offer to make love to you

How come your words affect me
I have not wanted to be bound
And yet I may be set free
Before the meaning was the sound

In your refrain
I hear the chords of love in vain
How can I help but call your name

From dusk 'til dawn
I'm haunted
By your demon song
Don't make me play alone too long

And just when I thought I'd reached the peak of my sadness and that I could no more suffer this life, the creator revealed himself to me once more with the beauty of nature.

Bjork-Come To Me

Come to me
I'll take care of you
Protect you
Calm, calm down
You're exhausted
Come lie down
You don't have to explain
I understand

You know
That I adore you
You know
That I love you.
So don't make me say it
It would burst the bubble
Break the charm.

Jump off
Your building's on fire
And I'll catch you, I'll catch you
Destroy all that is keeping you down
And then I'll nurse you
I'll nurse you
I'll touch you

You know
That I adore you
You know
That I love you.
So don't make me say it
It would burst the bubble
Break the charm.

Well, it's eleven days until my birthday and I've already gotten two of my presents. Yesterday, I went into my spare bedroom to see if I had an extra picture frame lying around, and on my grandma's sewing machine where I keep my laptop computer,I see a note. Confused, I go and read it and it says "How do you like these flowers? Happy birthday! I love you, Michael. Daft as I am I look around for flowers, and then notice that my laptop is lying in a chair nearby, and that the note was on a brand new laptop. When the screen was turned on it revealed a wallpaper of a field of lavender. <3 If that wasn't enough, he's also ordered me a new digital camera. FINALLY I will be able to take some new pictures, and just as my favorite season is starting! <3 <3. He is too sweet! And he is so getting laid. ;)

Kind of a low day today. Sometimes we all get those, I suppose, so there will be no "poor pitiful me" talk or the like. I did, however, write "This too shall pass." on my hand with a gel ink pen, and then marveled at how the ink flowed into the tiny lines in the skin making for a really neat effect. This would be a good time to have a camera. :)
So now, in an effort to gain a bit of relaxation, or as my dad would say "Get my head right.", I'm having a lovely cold beer. Hey! Don't give me any hassles, I'm not an alcoholic, and know full well that drinking solves nothing, but it makes for nice relaxation so long as it's in moderation.

*And then the ADD sets in*

I remember when I was little, while on long trip with my parents if I were to say I was thirsty, sometimes my dad would give me a drink of his beer. I know a lot of people would make a fuss about that, but my dad spent a few years in Germany, and said that over there everyone drank beer. It wasn't such a big deal. Now, my dad has been known to stretch the truth from time to time (actually, a LOT), but I was raised with the mindset that everything in moderation is fine, so although I'm not sure about what he said regaurding the Germans having beer in their baby's bottles is true or not, I do know that the occasional sip I had as a child didn't hurt me at all. Do any of you have any thoughts on this? I'm especially interested in what my German friends here have to say about it :)

Alright...being that this is the internet, and no one really knows the truth, I could lie and say that I have a will of steel, and day #1 was a success, but I won't. :(

Here's the story:

I was doing great, drinking lots of water, peeing near constantly, and then supper time came, and I had to cook for my husband. I was making a lovely chicken alfredo casserole with broccoli and such, and when it came time for the egg noodles to be done, without thinking I ate one to see if it was al dente. Afterwards I went about my business, and then the realization hit me that I ate the noodle (rereading this before posting proved for this to be quite the dirty little line LOL. You're welcome [nathie], if you read this), and with a resounding F$*%!, my will power crumbled. So, I grabbed a bottle of Smirnoff Ice, and had dinner. *Hangs head in shame*

I read that Gandi fasted for 25 days, or there about, but I doubt he had to cook for anyone. I will try it again, I'm not defeated totally, and I'm trying not to beat myself up too badly, because that isn't what it's about. Maybe I could make it a more momentous occasion and do it following my 30th birthday in October. Then, if temptation tries to get the better of me, it will be cool enough to go camping. It could turn into a spirit quest of sort. :) And then Michael can fend for himself ;)

It occurred to me last night that I really need a change. I'm just not healthy physically, and that's causing my mental health to suffer a bit as well. I've been researching on fasting, both for religious and medicinal purposes, and I think that it is something I need to do. I'm nearing thirty, and I've spent most of my life overweight, and I can start to feel it in my joints and such. So, with that said, I am not going to do this for a set number of days, I think my body will let me know when it is detoxified, but I do want to get the full benefits from this, so there will be a minimum of five days for sure. I will be doing a water fast rather than a juice fast, because I want to give my digestive tract a complete rest so that it can recouperate fully and relatively quickly. I won't get into my religious reasons for doing this here, because that is a personal journey, but for those of you who are interested, I'll be writing in this little online "diary" daily, and tell any particular feelings I may be having at the time, and how I hold up. I hear that after doing this sort of fast, your tastes change, and you can appreciate the flavors of nonprocessed foods so much more, which is going to be helpful to me since I plan on going for strictly natural foods in my diet. Here is a website about it for those of you who are interested in learning more about this sort of thing.

http://www.drbenkim.com/fasting.html

I do not take medications, and have no health restrictions that would keep me from doing this, so there is no danger, and believe me, if it gets to be too much, I'll stop. :)

Jesse Colin Young~Darkness Darkness

Darkness, Darkness, be my pillow, Take my head and let me sleep
In the coolness of your shadow, In the silence of your deep
Darkness, darkness, hide my yearning, For the things I cannot see
Keep my mind from constant turning, To the things I cannot be
Darkness, darkness, be my blanket, cover me with the endless night
Take away the pain of knowing, fill the emptiness with light
Emptiness with light now

Darkness, darkness, long and lonesome, Is the day that brings me here
I have felt the edge of sadness, I have known the depths of fear
Darkness, darkness, be my blanket, Cover me with the endless night
Take away this pain of knowing, Fill this emptiness with light now
Emptiness with light now

Darkness, darkness, be my blanket, cover me with the endless night
Take away this pain of knowing, fill this emptiness with light now
Oh with light now.
Darkness, Darkness, be my pillow, Take my head and let me sleep
In the coolness of your shadow, In the silence of your deep
In the silence of your deep

It has been one of those days where I can sit around and reflect quietly on random thoughts. Very nice, peaceful really. One of those days where all seems right with the world.
Looking at my calendar I realized that it's been a year and three months since my husband and I quit smoking. I'm very proud of us, and I find that the greater ease with breathing, enhanced abilities of both taste and smell, and the thought that I am not spending money to kill myself are the greatest rewards. Now if I could just stop eating fast food all together. I love the idea of a more natural way of life. Planting a garden and only eating meat from animals that are farm raised. I know that giving up meat all together would be the best route to take, but I'm not ready for that at all. Selfish as it may be, I think that humans are made to be omnivorous. I believe however that any animal we kill for our consumption should be treated with the greatest respect and given the best life possible. I love the Native Americans way of doing this, thanking the animals that they kill and saying a "prayer" for their souls. We are all brothers, and as Mufasa says, it's "the great circle of life"
On to other thoughts, this is the fourth of July weekend coming up. I'll be spending Sunday on the lake with my dad, husband, and sister in law. I look foreward to it, and hope that the water isn't too warm. It's rained this week, so maybe it will be a bit cooler than it has been. I love it best in late spring where it's a bit of a shock to get into, but you can quickly adjust to it, and it's refreshing. Not so much once it becomes the consistancy of bath water. :)
I'll be so glad when we can move to a place that's not so humid in the spring and summer.

Two entries today. I had to share a few lines of the book Interview With a Vampire by Anne Rice with you that I found most appealing.

This is Lous commenting on the myth that vampires can become steam and float through keyholes.

"I wish I could," laughed the vampire. "How positively delightful. I should like to pass through all manner of different keyholes and feel the tickle of their peculiar shapes."

I just enjoyed that vision. I hope you did too :)

I can't wait for it to be fall, so that I can go to my quiet place in the woods and sit in comfort without being eaten alive by mosquitos and chiggers. The snakes and the bears and coyotes are my friends, the insects..not so much.

Do you want to be an angel,
Do you wanna be a star
Do you wanna play some magic
On my guitar
Do you wanna be a poet
Do you wanna be my string
You could be anything

Do you wanna be the lover of another undercover
You could even be the
Man on the moon

Do you wanna be the player
Do you wanna be the string
Let me tell you something
It just don't mean a thing

You see it really doesn't matter
When you're buried in disguise
By the dark glass on your eyes
Though your flesh has crystallised
Still...you turn me on

Do you wanna be the pillow
Where I lay my head
Do you wanna be the feathers
Lying on my bed
Do you wanna be the cover
Of a magazine
Create a scene

Every day a little sadder
A little madder
Someone get me a ladder

Do you wanna be the singer
Do you wanna be the song
Let me tell you something
You just couldn't be more wrong

You see I really have to tell you
That it all gets so intense
From my experience
It just doesn't seem to make sense

*Do you know who sings this? Tell me :)

I've just realized that I've been here for seven years. Time flies..

I need to draw again. I've never been really good at it, but that's only because I've never given it the time it takes to become good at it. I'm sure some people are just naturals, but I'm not one of them...nonetheless, anyone can draw I've been told, so I will press on. I do enjoy the process, and find it relaxing yet stimulating at the same time, and it's high time I started doing some kind of craft as a hobby again.
In other news, my sister never came to Dad's house, and no one has heard from her. I guess she doesn't need anything. I hope she's well, though, and I say that in all honesty, though I must admit a very small part of me says it so to not tempt fate. I am very much a believer in fate, karma and the like. Not, however, in the sense that we have no control over what will happen to us, only that if something is meant to happen, it will. I think I need a nap, I've got the sleepy, philisophical thing going on. :)

I never cease to be inspired by my friends here..
If you know me, and read these little postings of mine, and have not yet done so, check out [Skydancer]. He is a genious when it comes to photography and reference work.

Today was a very interesting day indeed. My husband's grandmother passed away in February of this year at the age of ninety-two. Today was her birthday, and we decided to take her ashes to a local park where they have a yearly rendezvous that she loved to attend. It's a beautiful place, with a mountain that overlooks a river and forest. We scattered her in the river there, in one of her favorite places while my husband and I burnt sage and sweet grass which is commonly done at the rendezvous. We played Native American music from Robbie Robertson, and though she was sometimes a difficult woman, I think she would have approved. May she rest in peace.

Things are going well. The birds have finally found my bird feeder, and now I'm trying to learn the names for all of them. The prettiest one I've seen so far is an Eastern Goldfinch. I'm hoping for an Indigo Bunting. They are too pretty. Had a quiet weekend at home with Michael. It's nice when we get to just relax, and have no where to be. There's always stuff to do, but nothing so pressing as to disrupt our weekend. Next weekend for Memorial Day, we're going to my dad's for a party. He lives by the lake, so it's convenient to take the boat out for a while, and then go back to his house and cook out. The only draw-back is the fact that my sister is going to be in town. She only comes around when she needs something from him, and this time is no exception. I have nothing to offer her, so I haven't seen her in over a year, and haven't heard from her since last November. I hope one day she'll learn the value of life, and get off of the booze and drugs, but I've wasted so much energy worrying about her, and I just don't have it in me to do so anymore. Is that bad, or is it self-preservation?
Anyways, weekend after next, I'm throwing a slumber party sort of thing for some of my female friends and family. A girl's night in so to speak. It should be interesting to see what ensues when a bunch of us get together and drink champagne and wear face masks. :) Yes, I lead such an exciting life...

Is it the human condition to want to cause onesself emotional turmoil, or is it a learned behavior?