Is it the human condition to want to cause onesself emotional turmoil, or is it a learned behavior?

And three months after my last entry, we have internet. We have been doing well lately. It feels as though my life is beginning to find its balance again, and for that I'm grateful. I'm not angry with anyone, am releasing grudges for wrongs that have been done to me, and have pretty much realized that life is to short to harbour so much resentment. It hurts no one but myself, and that is a waste of energy that can be used for better more positive outlets. As Robbie Robertson said, "When you find out what's worth keeping, with a breath of kindness blow the rest away." Perfect words for me to live by.

Uck, my head hurts! I've been trying to decide what colors I want to paint the walls in our house once it closes, and I am HORRIBLE at this. The closing date is in ten days, and then I have to know what I want to paint it so I can get that done before we move our stuff in. The house we are currently in is a huge mess, with packing and such going on, and a messy house bugs me immensely. Michael doesn't seem fazed by any of it though. I envy his apathy. :P
Aside from that, I'm housebreaking another puppy. We have gotten an eight week old pit bull pup, and so far he's very smart, and very people-oriented. I have named him Zeus, and so with our cat Loki, we now have two little gods in the house. Then there's Sky, my husky, Lady Bug, my hubby's poodle, and Skipper, my little man who's been pictured at my house here a few times. Life would be very lonely without animals.

I love her cat eyes, green as a lake in the summertime..reflections dance across those waters.
But she only likes me when I wear lipstick..

My dreams are STRANGE.

2) Have you ever had a song written about you? I've been told I have, but I never got to hear it
3) What song makes you cry? I Grieve by Peter Gabriel
4) what song makes you happy? Anything by Sting or Enigma
5) what do you like to listen to before bed? Soothing music, and then my fan
6) height: 5'6
7) hair color: Brown, black, red, gold, blonde in the summer...etc
8) skin color: Pretty pale
9) eye color: Green
10) piercings: Ears, nose at one time, belly-button in high school, not any more.
11) tattoos: None
12) what color pants are you wearing?: Blue
13) what song are you listening to?: None at the moment
14) what taste is in your mouth?: Syrup. I just had waffles with the kids I'm watching
15) what's the weather like?: Cold with melting snow
16) how are you?: Tired and anxious to get into our house
17) get motion sickness?: If I read in the car, yes, or when my mother in law drives...uck
18) have a bad habit: I bite my nails, but I quit smoking last year!! :)

F A V O R I T E S

19)Singer- Sting
20) tv show: The Dog Whisperer
21) conditioner: Olive Oil
22) book: Rose Madder by Stephen King
23) non alcoholic drink: Water
24) alcoholic drink: Dark beer + brandy (she's a fine girl)+ coke= Geismalt
25) thing to do on the weekend: Anything outside on a nice day, when it's rainy we play card or board games

H A V E Y O U

26) broken the law: Too many times.
27) ran away from home: Years ago
28) snuck out of the house: Actually never
29) ever gone skinny dipping: Yes
31) ever tipped over a porta potty: Thought about it, but no
32) used your parents' credit card before: Not unless they knew about it
33) skipped school before: Once
34) fell asleep in the shower/bath: Once or twice during Nursing School. I was always so tired then
35) been in a school play: Yes...I was Nana in Peter Pan.. XD

L O V E

36) girlfriend/boyfriend: Hubby
37) sexuality: Who's asking?
38) children: May possibly adopt some day. Not sure yet. We currently have furry children
40) been in love: Once or twice
41) had a hard time getting over someone: Yes, but I'm not at the age where I realize that no matter what happens, I'll heal and move on.
42) been hurt: Of course, who hasn't?
43) your greatest regret: Not being there for my Gram
44) gone out with someone you only knew for three days: Yes, and now we're married <3
R A N D O M

45) do you have a job: I babysit for my cousin
46) your cd player has in it right now: Crosby Stills Nash and Young's Greatest Hits
47) if you were a crayon what color would you be?: Cerulean
48) what makes you happy: Music, it can always change my moods and brings the greatest nostalgia
49) what's the next cd you're gonna get?: Moby-Play

W H E N / W H A T W A S T H E L A S T

50) time you cried: This morning
51) you got a real letter?: Around Christmas Time
52) you got e-mail: This morning
53) thing you purchased : Food
54) tv program you watched: Dora the Explorer...kids :)
55) movie you saw in the theater: New Moon

Y O U R T H O U G H T S O N

56) abortion: I won't go there at this time
57) teenage smoking: Stupid, but it's not the cigarette companies fault, it's the parent's
58) spice girls: I liked them back in the day, but not really my thing anymore
59) dreams: The keys to your subconscious mind
60)Gays/Lesbian: Love is love

Hike up your skirt a little more, show your world to me~

Michael and I have been house hunting lately, and I think I've found a place that I like. It's smallish, but bigger than the place we've been renting by far. 1500 square feet, four bedroom, two bathrooms, and on an acre of land with woods in the back (got to have my woods). Two of the four bedrooms are larger, and the other two are not tiny. Good for kids, which we are thinking of adopting once we become more established. The living room is large, and the kitchen has LOTS of cabinets and counter space, as well as a dishwasher (YES!). We are meeting with a real estate agent Saturday morning, and depending on what Michael thinks, we may be making an offer. Wish us luck!
I'll be taking pictures probably Saturday, and may post some here once I get the film developed...the only downside to having a camera that isn't digital.
What else....? Oh, Michael has started school for being an airplane technician, or something along those lines, and though he is worn out at the end of the day I know he feels better about himself having done so.
Other than all that, things are pretty quiet with me lately. Glad the holidays are over, though they went relatively well. Hope that you all are safe, warm, and happy.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3sZcyNktWAU

Do NOT watch if you don't like lewd toilet humor XD

I would shag Sting, most definitely...he or Sophie B. Hawkins...maybe both at the same time. At least then I'd be warm. It's so cold here!

~Sleep deprived Mariah has spoken

Flow My Tears

Flow, my tears, fall from your springs!
Exiled for ever, let me mourn;
Where night's black bird her sad infamy sings,
There let me live forlorn.

Down vain lights, shine you no more!
No nights are dark enough for those
That in despair their lost fortunes deplore.
Light doth but shame disclose.

Never may my woes be relieved,
Since pity is fled;
And tears and sighs and groans my weary days
Of all joys have deprived.

From the highest spire of contentment
My fortune is thrown;
And fear and grief and pain for my deserts
Are my hopes, since hope is gone.

Hark! you shadows that in darkness dwell,
Learn to contemn light
Happy, happy they that in hell
Feel not the world's despite



*Written around 1600 by John Dowland

It's a beautiful but COLD day here. Sunny, and breezy...though I wish the temperature was more spring-like. I can't complain though, the early fall here was perfect, and I took full advantage of it. I hope this weekend to take a few rolls of pictures so that I can post here as soon as next week. I've been needing some new stuff for quite a while.
I finished my Christmas shopping last night, and then went to Bath and Body Works (one of my favorite stores <3) and bought myself some honeysuckle body wash, spritz, lotion, and perfume. It was lovely getting all good smelling this morning. Shame that Michael wasn't around to appreciate it as he leaves for work earlier than I do. I, however, have been enjoying it all day. Luckily I'm not around any adults here, for smelling ones self often would be deemed as inappropriate. >.<
ANYWAYS~ I'm planning on going tonight with the hubby to get a Nintendo WII. My Christmas present to us. And now for Zelda Twilight Princess!!!! (I know, I'm a big kid, but can't help it, I love the Link!!)

With the holiday season in full swing, I tend to find myself a little down most years. It's a fact of life that we all face, starting another holiday missing those who are no longer with us, but the thought occurred to me that those who I've loved and lost wouldn't want me to feel that way. If I were to pass on, I wouldn't want those I loved to mourn for me during what is supposed to be the most joyous time of the year. Burning a candle in remembrance seems the fitting thing to do, along with making new memories with those who are with me still. Very after school special, I know.. Aside from that, I have four rolls of film I need to use and develop before next month, so be expecting a LOT of pictures soon. Hopefully some of them will turn out alright. I'm going to expect the first roll to be pretty much wasted on me getting to know the camera, but after that, who knows what I'll turn up. If I get off of work early enough today, I may take a few photos by the lake. I love that place, it's good for the spirit. I pity those who can't find entertainment in the woods. I hope you all have a wonderful month, no matter if you celebrate, or what you celebrate, and that you and yours stay safe.

Since it's taking me FOREVER to get a new camera, and everytime I think I'm getting one, something has come up, my aunt has graciously given me her Canon 35mm with about four scopes to use. :O VERY expensive and nice equipment....let's hope that I can figure out how to use it all and most importantly, not drop it in the lake. 8P New pictures soon....I hope..

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ee8n-xvYETg This is great!

From [Yncke]'s page:

"Everyone can make typos or spelling errors, but 'hw r u' to me is the sound of a cat coughing up a hairball: something to be ignored."


LMAO!!!!

I have had the strangest dreams of late. In them there's a woman who is most intoxicating. Here's hoping that reality mirrors dreams :)

I had an awesome weekend! It went too quickly though. Saturday, Michael and I took his ninety-two year old grandma to the zoo. She loves animals, and we didn't know what to get her for Christmas, so we proposed a day out as a Christmas present, and she loved it. Then, Sunday, Michael surprised me with a very nice hike at a nearby park. It was wonderful to be outside and see up close the color changes. We found a brook deep in the woods, and I lay on a huge rock and drank the water, and after some convincing that it was rather tasty, Michael joined me.
Lots of fresh air and sunshine. After a month of much rain, I really needed that. And next weekend we are going to a hay ride and haunted house with his little brother. I love Halloween!

All of my life, I've been a kind of "turn the other cheek" person when it comes to my family. I loved them so much that I allowed myself to be their door mat. Any time they needed someone, I was there. When my sister needed a place to stay because my dad was an overbearing, manipulative asshole and my mother and step-father were drunk and fighting, or when my dad needed me to be his emotional punching bag when he had a bad day at work, or putting my mother to bed because she was too drunk to walk. I was always there. Do I regret these things? No. I did all I could to show them that I loved them and that I was there for them. For twenty-nine years I've put up with this, putting them and their selfish needs ahead of my own well-being. I can't do it anymore. I'm mentally and emotionally drained from their high demands. Now I've got my own family and my own life, and I can't keep neglecting those who truly love me to help those who don't. They say that blood is thicker than water. I don't really believe that is so fitting when it comes to a family like mine. As much as it hurts me, I have closed communication with them, and have started the healing process. It's only been two days, and I can already feel a sense of freedom.

A depressing sort of entry, it seems, but in a way it's an oath to myself to keep looking forward and moving on. The main feeling at this time is hope, for the present, and for the future..and that is a very good thing indeed :)

Let's see, a quick update (maybe). I'm still not smoking! Finally kicked it for good. Michael's done well too.
The fall weather has invigorated me as it does every year. It gets so hot and humid here during the summer that it's hard to get outside much, but this time of year, it's perfect, and I like to get out as much as possible. Now to get a camera..
We've had a LOT of rain this month. Everyone's complaining, but it only makes for nicer fall colors, so I don't mind so much.
We went to the Pinnacle Mountain Rendezvous this last weekend, where Native Americans and Mountain Men set up teepee's and camps and sell their goods. We have gone for the past three years, and I think it will definitely be an annual thing for us. I love it! The air is filled with sage and sweet grass, and I was finally able to buy a good Native American flute, so now, I've got to work on learning how to play it properly. :)
Michael's taking a weeks vacation in early November, and I'm hoping to rent a cabin somewhere for us so we can just relax and destressify ourselves..and yes, destressify is a word. >.<
I'm cooking Thanksgiving dinner this year for Michael's family, and maybe my mom and step dad, so that will be FUN. It will be my first, so wish me luck that the turkey remains intact and that my rolls don't burn. Luckily, everyone's pretty laid back, so even if something does go terribly wrong, the worst that will happen is that I get laughed at, and that's nothing new.
I hope that you all are enjoying the fall..or spring for those of you in Australia, and that there is good health all around. And if I don't write again beforehand, happy holidays!
Mariah