I'm scared...I can't do it. People that are so close to me have to leave. So now I feel like I'm running away. I don't want to do this. I don't have a desire to live. I try to pretend, try to act like everything's ok that I'm going to be fine. I try to fake it, but deep down I don't think I'm going to be ok. Maybe I don't want to be....I don't know anymore. I want to dig a hole, crawl in and die. I don't want to be here, I can't, I wasn't made for this. I've never felt so out of place and out of control. I'm losing my best friend, and I'm a pessimist, so I know even if he does come back, things aren't going to be the same. That's impossible. Maybe it just wasn't meant to be. I wish I had more control and a better handle on things. I wish this didn't hurt so much. I wish I could talk to the people that I need to and tell them the things that I need to:

Matt: I love you so much, even when it seems like I want nothing to do with you. When you leave, I may not be there, I don't know if I'm going to be able to say goodbye. But I just want you to know that you mean more to me than anything and I will always love and care about you even if it's hard for me to say.

Emily: You are my best friend. Truly and completely you mean the world to me. I will always always be here for you no matter what. You are the one person that I would do anything for because you are so true and so beautiful and so real. Never change for anyone.

Dustin: You were the first real friend I had in awhile. You are the first person I ever completely believed in. You may not always believe in yourself, but I know that you can do whatever you put your mind to. I know I'm hard to live with and deal with sometimes, and I know it seems like I'm always pissed off at you. But I do love you and I just care about you so much that I want the best for you, always. No matter what happens I will always believe in you and no matter where I am you can always know that I care about you.

There's more things I want to say to more people, but it gets so hard. I'm so sorry that I have a hard time saying what needs to be said and I'm so sorry that people have to see me deal with all my crap. I feel like I'm always apologizing because I feel like I'm always letting people down. I don't want to let people down anymore. And I'm going to do what I have to and what I think is needed so that I don't let people down. I know a lot of you, if not all of you won't like the decisions I make, but it's what I have to do. I know a lot of you won't understand or can't understand, but I have to do what I think is needed, I have to do what I feel is right for me. I wish I could explain it better and I wish I could understand it better, but it's just how I feel, it's all emotional and I know it's probably not good to be so emotional, but that's all I have and that's what I am. But it may not have to be this way much longer...