You ever feel completely disconnected from what's supposed to be your life? At this moment I do, I don't even remember what my life's supposed to be. where did it all get fucked up? and what do i have to do to fix it, if that's even possible. My best friend has her own life and hates mine. My other friends are all gone or just don't feel like friends anymore. The people I live with have their own things, plus I can never really talk to them. My family is too busy to include me, way to busy. I hate the fact that when i have so many people around I still feel so alone, maybe I am

I'm scared...I can't do it. People that are so close to me have to leave. So now I feel like I'm running away. I don't want to do this. I don't have a desire to live. I try to pretend, try to act like everything's ok that I'm going to be fine. I try to fake it, but deep down I don't think I'm going to be ok. Maybe I don't want to be....I don't know anymore. I want to dig a hole, crawl in and die. I don't want to be here, I can't, I wasn't made for this. I've never felt so out of place and out of control. I'm losing my best friend, and I'm a pessimist, so I know even if he does come back, things aren't going to be the same. That's impossible. Maybe it just wasn't meant to be. I wish I had more control and a better handle on things. I wish this didn't hurt so much. I wish I could talk to the people that I need to and tell them the things that I need to:

Matt: I love you so much, even when it seems like I want nothing to do with you. When you leave, I may not be there, I don't know if I'm going to be able to say goodbye. But I just want you to know that you mean more to me than anything and I will always love and care about you even if it's hard for me to say.

Emily: You are my best friend. Truly and completely you mean the world to me. I will always always be here for you no matter what. You are the one person that I would do anything for because you are so true and so beautiful and so real. Never change for anyone.

Dustin: You were the first real friend I had in awhile. You are the first person I ever completely believed in. You may not always believe in yourself, but I know that you can do whatever you put your mind to. I know I'm hard to live with and deal with sometimes, and I know it seems like I'm always pissed off at you. But I do love you and I just care about you so much that I want the best for you, always. No matter what happens I will always believe in you and no matter where I am you can always know that I care about you.

There's more things I want to say to more people, but it gets so hard. I'm so sorry that I have a hard time saying what needs to be said and I'm so sorry that people have to see me deal with all my crap. I feel like I'm always apologizing because I feel like I'm always letting people down. I don't want to let people down anymore. And I'm going to do what I have to and what I think is needed so that I don't let people down. I know a lot of you, if not all of you won't like the decisions I make, but it's what I have to do. I know a lot of you won't understand or can't understand, but I have to do what I think is needed, I have to do what I feel is right for me. I wish I could explain it better and I wish I could understand it better, but it's just how I feel, it's all emotional and I know it's probably not good to be so emotional, but that's all I have and that's what I am. But it may not have to be this way much longer...