I need help, i mean something is seriously fucked up with me, i can't sleep at night because im afraid of something that's not even there, i can't stand being around myself, i mean i know deep down im gay and yet i hate myself for it and for the fact that i let it get to me that im different, I hate the fact that i'm almost deadly afraid to try anything knew, mayfair is here for the next to weeks and i chickened out of actually helping because i was afraid to make a pathetic ass out of myself, i constantly fight with everyone i talk to anymore if it is a conversation that last more then about 2 minutes, i'm constantly sick, i never eat, i've had enough suicide thoughts in the past week to give everyone on my friend's list at least 2, what i'd really love to do is make an outfit for another rens fair that happens around here but i don't have any ideas or any way of doing it, not to mention the fact that i would like to get my head cleared of all this damn suicide shit

stole this from [Angelic nightmares] and figured i'd put it here because it's the truth

time for another rant -watches as everyone runs away and then shrugs- well i was roaming the free and wild pastures of ET's random houses and i came across alot of profiles that like the second or third thing said i was this religion, and i was that religion.........here is a few things of advice, this is a bloody fantasy based site, along with art, and blah blah blah....no one cares about ya religion in this place honestly i'm glad ya have a religion and ya follow your version of their rules but keep it to yourself.....also if ya to bloody lazy to post anything but a few spit throws of random b/s in your page what makes ya think someone would want to chat with ya?
-listens to the crickets slowly fade as they run away- they always run v_v'

alrighty this week is going to be hell since prom is friday night and im not bloody going so if ya wonder why i seem off it's because im seriously messed up at the moment but i'll be fine when the week goes by, and read my thing below this people and comment

all my problems enjoy, someone pissed me off so i told them because they wanted to know so like i said enjoy

something im going to put as far as what i believe and i honestly don't care if you agree or not about it, my biggest thing with humanity today are the ones that talk about how they are nothing, to be nothing would be a person that believes in something even if it is a corrupt something it's still makes them a hell of a lot more important then anyone that says that they are something and yet don't do a freaking thing in the lines of what they believe, granted the fact that what im about to say might be off but in a way it's reality and it's a small amount of something but even the half cocked groups through out history that has tortured the hell out of people even are worth more then the people that went through the hell and try to use it as an excuse to get a certain thing or get someone to feel sorry for them, if ya can't tell i am pissed as hell from the fact that im tired of people making claims of being non worthy or nothing when they are worth more then the slime that don't act on what they believe it's why i've never once got pissed at a basher that tried using the bible for an excuse because it's what they believe as to be true,

you think you can trust people with some stuff or at least hope they'd be mature enough to know better, god i swear how many times does it take to ask someone to stop doing something before they do it..example.. someone decided that they would randomly start making out with their b/f right in front of me not once, nor twice, but they have done it for three times and she knows that i can't handle seeing it, and the fact that it makes me sick...to go along that i've been in a depressive state to go along with it so yeah i've tried cutting my wrist with any random object that i'd think had a sharp point to it but so far no go but that'll change......she knows that it's got me fucked up and the fact that im actually grabbing knives the very thing i was petriefed of and trying to sneak them away....but do you think she'd care that her best friend is doing this, HELL no she tries lieing through her damn teeth about how she'll stop and how she really cares.... *News Flash* ya don't lay on someone's legs and make out with your b/f and pretty much force them to watch it the entire fucking thing and then try to claim that you care about them.

don't know if these will work but a sweethearted friend of mine sent them to cheer me up and i thank them for it

if anyone ask about my mood you'll either get a none of your business or nothing important depending on the person

this was writen by [Diiwica] and i think i have the ending for her but i want to know what people think about it:


They were in love, deep true hearted love. The two were never happier, with a baby on the way. Nothing could be more perfect, other than the fact that people would constantly try to get involved with them day in and day out. Constantly telling them that, thy were doing the wrong thing and that they were to young to know what TRUE love was. That is were they were wrong, their age didn’t matter. They did indeed love one another, as well as their unborn child.
The loved one another more than anything in the world, nothing could tear them apart, or so they thought. She lost the child. The stress got to her, the fears ate away ate her day in and day out. Making her toss and turn in her sleep, making her jumpy as she walked down the street, the hallways. Everything became far too much for her, and in the tossing and turning of her deep slumber, she fell off of her bed. Pulling to block the fall only seconds to late. Landing on my stomach and abdomen losing the child.
Nothing was ever the same between them. Things got harder, they both became depressed. Things all around got rough. But they still tried and still loved one another with all their hearts. Both holding hopes that one day things would get better and they would have the chance to have a child again.
He in the mean time planed something most wonderful and tear jerking plan. The plan was a sure fire way to get her happy again. A way to ease the pain and make things better again. HE wanted to Propose to her. Not just any were but at Disney’s Cinderella’s castle. Before he did that he wanted to know if she meant it. He pushed her away to another guy. She came back to him. He pushed her away again. She came back to his side shortly after, again. Each time she came back to him. But things started to fall apart. They slipped and slipped. Until their love became nothing but a friendship.
She fell for another. But she said nothing to that person. He knew, and yet again did something that drove knives through a both of them alike. He told her to go to the other guy, and talked her into it until she decided that she would give it an honest good hearted try. He convinced the other guy to ask her. He did. They went together.
In return the girl felt that she owed him. More than she already owed him. She talked to he best friend that liked the guy so. She talked to him. The two started going out as well. Now she loves another and the other loves her…


Is this the end of a bad gone good and romantic, or will it end in tragedy?


Really people i do need an ending.. couldnt thing of anything. want to help?

hey im just getting sick and tired of all the hell of everything so im not going to delete anything but the pictures of myself and them im going to pretty much get off of here for good

what in the hell is wrong with me lately, i keep forgetting important stuff like dates and stuff im supposed to do and i lose everything and i've been getting horrible migrains to the point of wanting to black out just to get rid of it and it's just driving me nuts i mean i black out and end up getting into a fight with my brother like im a puppet with the whole knowing whats going on but not controling the body kind of thing, which is why i've got to go to court in a week from wednesday and i don't remember half the stuff that happened at night and im going to end up getting screwed becuz of the court system.....it's bull shit when all this shit is happening to you and when you are the police station and you tell one of the dumbass cops that you want to talk to a lawyer but will cooreport none the less and all the cop does is stare at you like you insane and this was all in about 5 minutes time period(no offense to kiersty's dad because he's a cool guy) but i just don't need a court date to go along with the migrains and the rest of my freaking problems

nice to know the guards are not worth a pile of shit in the middle of a swamp...someone causes trouble and tries to get shit started and they ignore your complaint about it, and then you try to be cival and talk to them and yet they still ignore you.....I say it's about time we get some damn guards that are worth having on here instead of the ass kissers that are on here now

Honestly everyone should at least check this site out and see how freaking awesome it is, i mean the name is a bit essentric but still it's a good place to be damn it BECAUSE I SAY SO, YOU SHOULD GO.

Reality!!!!
I just reliezed something, I was never ment to be a gay guy or a straight guy as well. This is how I figure it out to be no relation I've ever been in has really worked out as well as either party would of liked it to be, so I've been thinking lately "is there something wrong with me that doesn't make this work out like it should" but I finally figured out that there is nothing wrong with me or anyone else. I am just ment to help everyone that needs or wants my help along there lives. I am not happy with this but in reality of things im not pissed about it as well, I mean I am trying to go to college for a chance to get more help so I can turn around and help people out so why not just stick to what I do best and let the dating up to everyone else. There is probably no way of changing my mind on this! I instead ask for people to support me in this decision instead of fighting me on it because it's what I truely want to do even at the cost I must pay for it as well!!!!
I Will Talk To You All Later.....Maybe

Wow it's been awhile since i've done one of these but i figured why the hell not....My biggest thing as of late that has me pissed off and upset is the fact that my "best friend" that i thought was that at least has a b.f/fiance/asshole is being a dick becuz of a stupid fucking mistake that me and his g/f did and now he wants to kill me and im calling the friendship off so it don't end up hurting her. The worst thing is the fact that he doesn't understand that me and her are so damn close that if i end up dead it'll probably end up killing her but then again i don't think he really gives a fuck as well. So i want my friend's whatever to come and so we can get this fight over with and so i'll end up dead becuz then i can actually do something worth while becuz im not getting to far now in life. The funny thing is if i end up dieing he is going to get to live through everything i have lived through for the past 4ish years all the depression and all the tears i've helped her through and the pain of watching her life slip away becuz of everything that is going on. I don't want to leave her but i will probably, I just hope that he is ready for it all becuz i've spent alot of time trying to figure out how to help her just that little bit even further to get her life some what settled. well actually if he can deal with it then maybe it is a good thing that he's going to come kill me and take the job over. im done with this but i want everyone to know if he does kill me that i will always love you guys and thank you for making it worth while!!!!!!!!!!!

for the quiz below http://www.quizfarm.com/ go there it's the site

ok got bored, did quiz have fun:

You scored as Paganism

Your beliefs are most closely aligned with those of paganism, Wicca, or a similar earth-based religion. You may also follow a Native American religion.

Buddhism 79%
Paganism 79%
agnosticism 71%
Satanism 71%
atheism 71%
Islam 54%
Judaism 38%
Hinduism 29%
Christianity 21%

want address for said quiz ask and i will send it

god this thing is getting a work out lately but still something thats been bugging me i guess is this: one of my biggest fantasy's that i wish would happen is that this tall sweet guy would come up behind me and whisper something into my ear and then take me by the hand after he blind folds me and then takes me to his house and guides me into the kitchen and sets me down and removes the blind fold and ther ein front of me is a table that has two places set for me and him with candles all around and in the middle of the table is one single rose...then we eat and we get o talking about random things and he doesn't make it sound like he is pushing for it but gentally asks if i would want to go to bed with him and i would do it and then after we get through all that we end up sleeping through the night and wake up early and go off to the mountains that would be near by and we go up to our spot and out of know where he proposes and we end up tigether........but then again this is to much to ask for to every happen so why'd i even bother with it

I got this from a friend of mine....thanks cookie:

I am the girl kicked out of her home because I confided in my mother that I am a lesbian.
I am the prostitute working the streets because nobody will hire a transsexual woman.
I am the sister who holds her gay brother tight through the painful, tear-filled nights.
We are the parents who buried our daughter long before her time.
I am the man who died alone in the hospital because they would not let my partner of twenty-seven years into the room.
I am the foster child who wakes up with nightmares of being taken away from the two fathers who are the only loving family I have ever had. I wish they could adopt me.
I am one of the lucky ones, I guess. I survived the attack that left me in a coma for three weeks, and in another year I will probably be able to walk again.
I am not one of the lucky ones. I killed myself just weeks before graduating high school. It was simply too much to bear.
We are the couple who had the realtor hang up on us when she found out we wanted to rent a one-bedroom for two men.
I am the person who never knows which bathroom I should use if I want to avoid getting the management called on me.
I am the mother who is not allowed to even visit the children I bore, nursed, and raised. The court says I am an unfit mother because I now live with another woman.
I am the domestic-violence survivor who found the support system grow suddenly cold and distant when they found out my abusive partner is also a woman.
I am the domestic-violence survivor who has no support system to turn to because I am male.
I am the father who has never hugged his son because I grew up afraid to show affection to other men.
I am the home-economics teacher who always wanted to teach gym until someone told me that only lesbians do that.
I am the man who died when the paramedics stopped treating me as soon as they realized I was transsexual.
I am the person who feels guilty because I think I could be a much better person if I didn’t have to always deal with society hating me.
I am the man who stopped attending church, not because I don't believe, but because they closed their doors to my kind.
I am the person who has to hide what this world needs most, love.

Repost this if you believe that homophobia is wrong.

one thing i have to say the one that hits me the hardest is the one about the sister holding her gay brother through the nights the reason is becuz even though its hard at least the boy has someone with him go through the times i never even got that at all from my family or anyone else...-begins to cry- damn it why did i get cursed with something that most seem to think of as a deadly venom contagious by the touch of someone that is different from them why?? of all things this?!?!?!?!?!