i hate myself...i feel like shit and i dont know why, i have these random things...have for a little while...will be fine then the next second i will just collapse into a void of self hate and depression, i dont understand...

and to make things worse my cd player just died, my cds are often what keeps me hanging on when i feel im losing my grip. :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :(

got a nightmare before christmas t-shirt today!!! Oliver is being an arsehole...hes acting like yesterday never happened and walking into my room like hes some sort of fucking king! grrrrr...

Firstly, i had two really hard matches this weekend, lost both, and am in lots of pain as a result...i got home and my mother has told me that im going to go back to the councellor wether i like it or not. At the moment im really low, and i dont even know why properly, and to make me feel even more like shit im upsetting other people that i care about and dragging a few precious people down as well...im a complete liability, great fucking friend i am. A while ago my brother was being an arsehole(hardly a rare occurance, he is CONSTANTLY having a go at me, taunting, testing, provoking me) so i closed the door on him (literally), harder than i intended, he fell over and started to cry then began to shout at me and he came out with loads of stuff about how shit a brother, how worthless as a person, how much better the family could have been...and he was completley right; before i started self harming i used to take my anger out on property or him, and have only hit him rarely since i have been self harm. Then he was telling me about i beat him up everyday(and he meant now, not in the past tense...and that it bollocks, the reason i hit in the first place was because i was always beaten b ymy father when i was young and did something wrong and thats just the way i have learnt, and everyoine knows how hard it is to get out of bad habits)! i barely touch him, i do my fucking best to avoid him...he went on to tell me how i had terrified my mother, which i guess i true, and then he told me i needed to get respect for other people...he doesnt understand anything, hes always been popular, hes clever, hes talented, hes good looking, he has always had thousands of friends, before mving to Ripon i think i had two or three, in total...people who were the opposite of friends, lots of those, but no friends...and i despose myself, im the shittest son/brother ANY family could have asked for, as for my friends at ripon they're just unlucky they met me. Maybe it would have been better if we had never moved, then i wouldnt have fucked up everyone elses lives. i AM a liability, despite a few great people trying to persuade me otherwise im not worth anything i dont deserve the support i get from my friends, friends i never deserved in the first place..... AAGH! and now im hearing things!!!! im going insane...I HATE MYSELF, WHY AM I LIKE THIS?!?!

i had the shittest day yesterday (had to see a councellor about self harm) and this morning was just as bad...i felt like shit all morning :(

thankgod for katherine she managed to cheer me up at lunch AND pierced my ear again...its twice now but i want more...my parents are going to kill me when they find out. lol