[choke_on_dreams]'s diary
I woke up one morning saying really loudly:
I KNOW IT WAS GERMANY
hahahaha.
I need more batteries for my keyboard again.
OMFG
this old lady totally got run over.
hillarious
GET THE PENCILS OFF OFF ME
oh man this place is controlled by big people in little shoes.
I want to pot the last few balls please
[in class...........debate sorta thing]
mally: So therefore you couldnt have done it. I OBJECT. OVERRULLED
*silence*
wtf did i just do
things not to say during sex
1. But everybody looks funny naked!
2. You woke me up for that?
3. Did I mention the video camera?
4. Do you smell something burning?
5. (in a janitor's closet) And they say romance is dead...
6. Try breathing through your nose
7. A little rug burn ever hurt anyone!
8. Is that a Medic-Alert Pendant?
9. Sweetheart, did you lock the back door?
10. But whipped cream makes me break out
11. Person 1: This is your first time... right?
Person 2: Yeah... today
12. (in the No Tell Motel) Hurry up! This room rents by the Hour!
13. Can you please pass me the remote control?
14. Do you accept Visa?
15. ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ
16. On second thought, let's turn off the lights.
17. And to think- I was really trying to pick up your friend!
18. So much for mouth-to-mouth
19. (using body paint) Try not to leave any stains, okay?
20. Hope you're as good looking when I'm sober...
21. (holding a banana) It's just a little trick I learned at the zoo!
22. Do you get any premium movie channels?
23. Try not to smear my make-up, will ya!
24. (preparing to use peanut butter sexually) But I just steam-cleaned this couch!
25. Got any penicillin?
26. But I just brushed my teeth...
27. Smile, you're on Candid Camera!
28. I thought you had the keys to the handcuffs!
29. I want a baby!
30. So much for the fulfillment of sexual fantasies!
31. (in a menage a trois) Why am I doing all the work?
32. Maybe we should call Dr. Ruth...
33. Did you know the ceiling needs painting?
34. I think you have it on backwards
35. When is this supposed to feel good?
36. Put that blender back in the kitchen where it belongs!
37. You're good enough to do this for a living!
38. Is that blood on the headboard?
39. Did I remember to take my pill?
40. Are you sure I don't know you from somewhere?
41. I wish we got the Playboy channel...
42. That leak better be from the waterbed!
43. I told you it wouldn't work without batteries!
44. But my cat always sleeps on that pillow
45. Did I tell you my Aunt Martha died in this bed?
46. If you quit smoking you might have more endurance...
47. No, really... I do this part better myself!
48. It's nice being in bed with a woman I don't have to inflate!
49. This would be more fun with a few more people..
50. You're almost as good as my ex!
51. Do you know the definition of statutory rape?
52. Is that you I smell or is it your mattress stuffed with rotten potatoes?
53. You look younger than you feel
54. Perhaps you're just out of practice
55. You sweat more than a galloping stallion!
56. They're not cracker crumbs, it's just a rash
57. Now I know why he/she dumped you...
58. Does your husband own a sawed-off shotgun?
59. You give me reason to conclude that foreplay is overrated
60. What tampon?
61. Have you ever considered liposuction?
62. And to think, I didn't even have to buy you dinner!
63. What are you planning to make for breakfast?
64. I have a confession...
65. I was so horny tonight I would have taken a duck home!
66. Are those real or am I just behind the times?
67. Were you by any chance repressed as a child?
68. Is that a hanging sculpture?
69. You'll stil vote for me, won't you?
70. Did I mention my transsexual operation?
71. I really hate women who actually think sex means something!
72. Did you come yet, dear?
73. I'll tell you who I'm fanatasizing about if you tell me who you're fantasizing about...
74. A good plastic surgeon can take care of that in no time!
75. Does this count as a date?
76. Oprah Winfrey had a show about men like you!
77. Hic! I need another beer for this please
78. I think biting is romantic- don't you?
79. You can cook, too right?
80. When would you like to meet my parents?
81. Man: Maybe it would help if I thought about someone I really like...
Woman: Yourself?
82. Have you seen "Fatal Attraction"?
83. Sorry about the name tags, I'm not very good with names
84. Don't mind me.. I always file my nails in bed
85. (in a phone booth) Do you mind if I make a few phone calls?
86. I hope I didn't forget to turn the gas oven off. Do you have a light?
87. Don't worry, my dog's really friendly for a Doberman.
88. Sorry but I don't do toes!
89. You could at least ACT like you're enjoying it!
90. Petroleum jelly or no petroleum jelly, I said NO!
91. Keep it down, my mother is a light sleeper...
92. I'll bet you didn't know I work for "The Enquirer"
93. So that's why they call you MR. Flash!
94. My old girlfriend used to do it a LOT longer!
95. Is this a sin too?
96. I've slept with more women than Wilt Chamberlain!
97. Hey, when is it going to be my friend's turn?
98. Long kisses clog my sinuses...
99. Please understand that I'm only doing this for a raise...
100. How long do you plan to be "almost there"?
101. You mean you're NOT my blind date?
Im ovbiously going to say them alll
[voulez vous coucher avec ma femme avec ma belle-mere presente]
do you want to sleep with my wife when my mother in law is round
[peut-on rentrer dans patalon juste apres le petit dejeune]
is it be possible to get in my pants right after breakfast
I read this on a site somewhere. Its so funny. its about sleep walking and talking:
dad <sleeping>: "ring ring ring. hello?"
me: Dad?
dad: "shut up. ring ring ring. hello?"
me: dad?
dad: "shut UP. Hello?"
me: "hello"
dad: "yeah, okay"
me: <literally rolling on floor, laughing>
dad <awake now>: "what?"
im cold and im eating a twirl.
izzy (the stupid whore) called me at
11:30AM
today.Expecting ide be Awake or something inhumane.
I have really painfull pins and needles in my feetys
mally: hey rosie how long is your brother? *Realises* shit. i mean. how tall is he. haha
fuck yes
(i dont know why, but im on a swearing spree. fuck fuck fuck)
thats my bitch
scene:[izzy calls mally]
izzy: MALLY. its your stupid friend Izzy
mally: uuuugggg I'm a sleep
izzy:um. why?
mally: Its extreamly early in the morning
izzy: mally its 11:30
mally: *silence* its extreamly early in the morning
choyi: I wont go down by myself
mally: haha, i wont go down ONMYSELF
scene:[mally and vag on the phone]
mally: *says something*
vag: *mummbles*
mally: what?
vag: nothing
mally NO TELL ME
vag: *in the cutest voice ever* no, you'll hit me
[still talking on the phone]
mally: you know, im gonna have a shower today, to make me feel really sexy. And then im gonna get into something nice. Then get naked.
vag: Mally you sound like a sex line
hes not
im joking ducky
dave: TOUCH ME
vag : eww no. if i had to touch you, that would involve contact, ide need disinfectant to touch you ([they have a history of violence])
dave: hmmm yes, disinfectant. the more lubricant the better
OMGFGFGFGFGFG HAHAHAHA....
THE MORE LUBRICANT THE BETTER DAVEY
He STLL refuses to admit it was him.
pathetic you horny little bastard
OKAY FINE apparantly Im being "so not nice".
*blank stare* None of the above is true *blank stare*
(psst. it is really :))
matt isnt that much of an asshole.
In chemistry...there was this looooooooong silence and he sorta just looked at me.
And then....
he walked over to me... and hugged me
And then we got fucked for messing around.
its like
THIS IS NOT MESSING AROUND
this is some serious shit.
Heh. seb says im never gonna get
love handles
.which sucked
Its so funny. I just yell...
SEB
And he rushes over real fast.
feels my love handles lol and gives a growth update.
Apparantly im not doing too good.
EW BEN TRIED TO RAPE ME OUTSIDE MATHS TODAY
lol
*mortified*
He is so strong. But he has nice hair so i had to forgive him. ovbiously
maths is a catostrophy
so is history
and chemistry
BLAH
I gave bertie like
[ten million gazillion thousand hugs today]
Feeling so great and loved today. :)
*beams*
JAMES DIED HIS HAIR BLACK
I think he gets pissed off that i say it everytime i see him, like its some big revelation.
like:
[JAMES YOUR HAIR IS BLACK - WHY?]
teehehehehe
I swear my history teacher reached puberty last year.
He said he "outshatted himself" (WELL it sounded like it)
and im like
"You outwhated yourself?!?!?!
He told me to Shut up *gasp*
alun threw oragami at me, today on the bus. *blank stare*
where were you while we were getting high? Someday you will find me caught beneath the landslide....
*shrug*
idontknow
dad coming back tonight
WHY
why why why why?
okay david is really weird but sometimes...i just love him:
http://home.hc
I LOVE YOU DAVID I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU
And it's hard to hold a candle In the cold November rain
scene:[. cold day. talking in our fantastic german linguistic skills]
mally: ICH HEISSE KALT
*silence*
emma: my name is cold?
*silence*
mally: uh i mean. ICH BIN KALT.
emma: yeah thats the one cold :P
mally: omg there was a really pretty flower out there but it was dead and crushed to the ground....:(somebody killed it
*silence*
friend: did you kill it?
*Silence*
mally: how can you say that!!
friend: did you?
*Real long silence*
mally: oh my god
friend: you did didnt you
mally: thats not the point
*silence*
mally: okay so what if i did
me --------------
Yes she has a good body
I hate her for it
Aerobics was so painfully boring today.
UGGGG.
I didnt do my Science homework but i got away with it because mr. brown loves me/ ([really he does :S]) lol.
I am SO behind in my Media coursework so you know, that may possibly be something to put on the [to do...list].
just a suggestion OFCOURSE
tommorow is Worse *Shudders*.
chemistry English Maths History
life is a bitch
really....
Hey I havnt been philo (
philosphical) in some time...any one notice?. Hehehehe.
blah. Im too
pooped
to use my brain right now.mally: *realises she has the upper hand on something BIG* MWHAHA NO ONE CAN DEFEATE ME....NOT EVEN YOU.
friend: Actually...*pr
mally: shit
rosie: *Says something really really funny*
mally: HAHAHAHA i havnt laughed that hard since i was a little boy
*silence*
rosie: um
mally: yeah that was a real conversation killer eh?
omg
. Matt likesrosie(vag)
awwww
...rosie.....h
omg...this is so awqard with matt
Rosie to mally: You know, you're the reason why people commit suicide. (I need a Hero...) says:
yuo spetl tit rong
Rosie to mally: You know, you're the reason why people commit suicide. (I need a Hero...) says:
its
Rosie to mally: You know, you're the reason why people commit suicide. (I need a Hero...) says:
awkward
*mally realises she spelt every word but awkward in the sentance wrong* lol