mally is so totally getting her belly booboo peirced.

[conversation with mom]...

me: mom im getting my belly button pierced
mom: no your not
me: yes i am
mom: no your not
me: mom im not asking you for your permission, im informing you...
mom: oh

So like...

WOOOHOOOO

GO ME >.<

so im casually browsing through my email. What do i have? 28947398750396704363466546 chain letters.

this angers me

. Heres a letter to all you assholes:

 Hello. My name is, actually, im not going to tell you. Im suffering from a very deadly desiese, bad luck, EXTREAM virginity, and the fear of being kidnapped and decapitated by a headless girl dressed in tight leather with buckles and a whip, because her redneck father had killed her the night before or something like that. I am also suffering the painfull guilt for not forwarding a billion chain letters out so that a poor little 6 year old kiddy winky in Arkansas with a breast on her forehead will be able to raise enough money to have it removed before her parents sell her to some circus somewhere. Do you honestly believe that bill gates is going to give you and everyone else you send this letter to is going to receive a thousand pounds? OOOH looky here, if I scroll down this page and make a wish, every play boy bunny in the magazine will visit me! Ill meet the love of my LIFE. What BULLSHIT.
So basically this is a wake up call to all the people out there who have nothing better tto do than send me stupid chain mail. Maybe the evil chain letter leprechauns will come into my room and terrorise me in my sleep for not continuing the tradition stated my Jesus himself in 25 A.D and was brought to this country by pilgrims and if it makes it to the year 2098. BY GOLLY GOSH ILL BE IN THE GUINNES BOOK OF WORLD RECORDS for the longest continuous streak of blatant stupidity. If youre going to forward me something, please send me something mildly amusing. Ive seen the whole “send to 50 of your closest friends and this poor wretched excuse for a human being will somehow receive a cent from some omniscient being” forwards about 90 times. Does it look like I care? Do you still not understand the meaning of a chain letter? Here, let me explain.


(scroll down)
(make a wish)
(it will come true)

 Now, to make you feel guilty, here's what I'll do. First of
  all, if you don't send this to 5096 people in the next 5
  seconds, you will be assaulted by a mad goat and thrown off
  a high building into a pile of manure. It's true! Because,
  THIS letter isn't like those fake ones, THIS one is TRUE!!
  Really!!! Here's how it goes:
  *Send this to 1 person: One person will be pissed off at you
  for sending them a stupid chain letter.
  *Send this to 2-5 people: 2-5 people will be pissed off at you for
  sending them a stupid chain letter.
  *Send this to 5-10 people: 5-10 people will be pissed off at
  you for sending them a stupid chain letter, and may form a
  plot against your sorry little life.
  *Send this to 10-20 people: 10-20 people will be pissed off at you
  for sending them a stupid chain letter and will send a nuclear war missile to your house.

Thanks!!!! Good Luck!!!


Hello, and thank you for reading this letter. I am a poor starving little boy in Bakalivatiogslovakia who has no arms, no legs, no eyes, no penis and no sheep either. But you can save me if you please pass this on to 9357598745309745 people in the nexy 30 seconds. Every time you pass it on a dollar is donated to the little starving legless, armless, sheepless, parentless, cockless and sheepless souls of Bakalivatiogslovakia.thank you. You are saving lives here. So send it to 9357598745309745 in the next 30 seconds, have a heart. Ooh and please remember, if you send it to five people accidently, you will die, instantly. I will gouge your eyes out with my testicles. Thanks again J



Hi there!! This chain letter has been in existence since 1897. This
  is absolutely incredible because there was no email then and
  probably not as many sad fucking assholes with nothing better to do. So this
  is how it works... Pass this on to 15,067 people in the next 34 seconds
  or something horrible will happen to you like:
  *Bizarre Horror Story #1
  vagina fook-me was walking home from school one day when a magical pelican handed over this letter. She ignored it. BIG MISTAKE. Because then she tripped on a crack in the floor, and fell through a drain pipe which was full of poo. She came out in a waterfall. She died. THIS COULD HAPPEN TO YOU!
 
*Bizarre Horror Story #2
  Jesus , a 13 year old boy, got a chain letter in his mail
  and ignored it. Later that day, he was hit by a car and so was his
  boyfriend (hey, some people swing that way). They both died and
  went to hell and were cursed to eat adorable toads every day for
  eternity.
  This Could Happen To You Too!!!

  Remember, you could end up just like jesus and vagina. Just
  send this letter to all of your loser friends, and everything
  will be okay. Trust me. Im a pile of words compiled together by a fat man lacking sex in his life. Who else could possibly know better? Hmmm bacon.

If you don’t send it. Not only will you die. You will remain shagless for the rest of your life. Ill also appear in spandex on your ceiling when you least expect it. I'll bring a whip. Beware. hmmm Bacon.


get it FUCKBAGS?

 the truth is out there. 

Somewhere in the internet

I woke up one morning saying really loudly:

I KNOW IT WAS GERMANY

hahahaha.

I need more batteries for my keyboard again.

OMFG


this old lady totally got run over.

 hillarious

GET THE PENCILS OFF OFF ME

oh man this place is controlled by big people in little shoes.

I want to pot the last few balls please

[in class...........debate sorta thing]
mally: So therefore you couldnt have done it. I OBJECT. OVERRULLED

*silence*

wtf did i just do

things not to say during sex

1. But everybody looks funny naked!

2. You woke me up for that?

3. Did I mention the video camera?

4. Do you smell something burning?

5. (in a janitor's closet) And they say romance is dead...

6. Try breathing through your nose

7. A little rug burn ever hurt anyone!

8. Is that a Medic-Alert Pendant?

9. Sweetheart, did you lock the back door?

10. But whipped cream makes me break out

11. Person 1: This is your first time... right?
Person 2: Yeah... today

12. (in the No Tell Motel) Hurry up! This room rents by the Hour!

13. Can you please pass me the remote control?

14. Do you accept Visa?

15. ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ

16. On second thought, let's turn off the lights.

17. And to think- I was really trying to pick up your friend!

18. So much for mouth-to-mouth.

19. (using body paint) Try not to leave any stains, okay?

20. Hope you're as good looking when I'm sober...

21. (holding a banana) It's just a little trick I learned at the zoo!

22. Do you get any premium movie channels?

23. Try not to smear my make-up, will ya!

24. (preparing to use peanut butter sexually) But I just steam-cleaned this couch!

25. Got any penicillin?

26. But I just brushed my teeth...

27. Smile, you're on Candid Camera!

28. I thought you had the keys to the handcuffs!

29. I want a baby!

30. So much for the fulfillment of sexual fantasies!

31. (in a menage a trois) Why am I doing all the work?

32. Maybe we should call Dr. Ruth...

33. Did you know the ceiling needs painting?

34. I think you have it on backwards

35. When is this supposed to feel good?

36. Put that blender back in the kitchen where it belongs!

37. You're good enough to do this for a living!

38. Is that blood on the headboard?

39. Did I remember to take my pill?

40. Are you sure I don't know you from somewhere?

41. I wish we got the Playboy channel...

42. That leak better be from the waterbed!

43. I told you it wouldn't work without batteries!

44. But my cat always sleeps on that pillow

45. Did I tell you my Aunt Martha died in this bed?

46. If you quit smoking you might have more endurance...

47. No, really... I do this part better myself!

48. It's nice being in bed with a woman I don't have to inflate!

49. This would be more fun with a few more people..

50. You're almost as good as my ex!

51. Do you know the definition of statutory rape?

52. Is that you I smell or is it your mattress stuffed with rotten potatoes?

53. You look younger than you feel

54. Perhaps you're just out of practice

55. You sweat more than a galloping stallion!

56. They're not cracker crumbs, it's just a rash

57. Now I know why he/she dumped you...

58. Does your husband own a sawed-off shotgun?

59. You give me reason to conclude that foreplay is overrated

60. What tampon?

61. Have you ever considered liposuction?

62. And to think, I didn't even have to buy you dinner!

63. What are you planning to make for breakfast?

64. I have a confession...

65. I was so horny tonight I would have taken a duck home!

66. Are those real or am I just behind the times?

67. Were you by any chance repressed as a child?

68. Is that a hanging sculpture?

69. You'll stil vote for me, won't you?

70. Did I mention my transsexual operation?

71. I really hate women who actually think sex means something!

72. Did you come yet, dear?

73. I'll tell you who I'm fanatasizing about if you tell me who you're fantasizing about...

74. A good plastic surgeon can take care of that in no time!

75. Does this count as a date?

76. Oprah Winfrey had a show about men like you!

77. Hic! I need another beer for this please

78. I think biting is romantic- don't you?

79. You can cook, too right?

80. When would you like to meet my parents?

81. Man: Maybe it would help if I thought about someone I really like...
Woman: Yourself?

82. Have you seen "Fatal Attraction"?

83. Sorry about the name tags, I'm not very good with names

84. Don't mind me.. I always file my nails in bed

85. (in a phone booth) Do you mind if I make a few phone calls?

86. I hope I didn't forget to turn the gas oven off. Do you have a light?

87. Don't worry, my dog's really friendly for a Doberman.

88. Sorry but I don't do toes!

89. You could at least ACT like you're enjoying it!

90. Petroleum jelly or no petroleum jelly, I said NO!

91. Keep it down, my mother is a light sleeper...

92. I'll bet you didn't know I work for "The Enquirer"

93. So that's why they call you MR. Flash!

94. My old girlfriend used to do it a LOT longer!

95. Is this a sin too?

96. I've slept with more women than Wilt Chamberlain!

97. Hey, when is it going to be my friend's turn?

98. Long kisses clog my sinuses...

99. Please understand that I'm only doing this for a raise...

100. How long do you plan to be "almost there"?

101. You mean you're NOT my blind date?


Im ovbiously going to say them alll

[voulez vous coucher avec ma femme avec ma belle-mere presente]

do you want to sleep with my wife when my mother in law is round

[peut-on rentrer dans patalon juste apres le petit dejeune]

is it be possible to get in my pants right after breakfast

im cold and im eating a twirl.

izzy (the stupid whore) called me at

11:30AM

today.

Expecting ide be Awake or something inhumane.

fuck yes

(i dont know why, but im on a swearing spree. fuck fuck fuck)

thats my

bitch

scene:[izzy calls mally]

izzy: MALLY. its your stupid friend Izzy
mally: uuuugggg I'm a sleep
izzy:um. why?
mally: Its extreamly early in the morning
izzy: mally its 11:30
mally: *silence* its extreamly early in the morning

*~*My guide to Life*~*

go there bitches

XD

scene:[mally and vag on the phone]

mally: *says something*
vag: *mummbles*
mally: what?
vag: nothing
mally NO TELL ME
vag: *in the cutest voice ever* no, you'll hit me

**********************

[still talking on the phone]

mally: you know, im gonna have a shower today, to make me feel really sexy. And then im gonna get into something nice. Then get naked.

vag: Mally you sound like a sex line

>.this is and entry to make David feel wanted and loved .<

 hes not

But atleast im trying

>> << >> << >> << >> << >> << >> << >> << >> << >> << >> << >> << >> << >>

im joking ducky

quote from david to vag:

dave: TOUCH ME
vag : eww no. if i had to touch you, that would involve contact, ide need disinfectant to touch you ([they have a history of violence])
dave: hmmm yes, disinfectant. the more lubricant the better

OMGFGFGFGFGFG HAHAHAHA....

THE MORE LUBRICANT THE BETTER DAVEY

He STLL refuses to admit it was him.

pathetic you horny little bastard


OKAY FINE apparantly Im being "so not nice".

*blank stare* None of the above is true *blank stare*

(psst. it is really :))

matt isnt that much of an asshole.

In chemistry...there was this looooooooong silence and he sorta just looked at me.

And then....

 he walked over to me...

and hugged me

And then we got fucked for messing around.
its like

THIS IS NOT MESSING AROUND

this is some serious shit.


Heh. seb says im never gonna get

love handles

.

 which sucked

Its so funny. I just yell...

SEB

And he rushes over real fast.

feels my love handles lol and gives a growth update.

Apparantly im not doing too good.

EW BEN TRIED TO RAPE ME OUTSIDE MATHS TODAY

lol

*mortified*

He is so strong. But he has nice hair so i had to forgive him. ovbiously

maths is a catostrophy

so is history

and chemistry

BLAH

I gave bertie like

[ten million gazillion thousand hugs today]

Feeling so great and loved today. :)

*beams*

JAMES DIED HIS HAIR BLACK

I think he gets pissed off that i say it everytime i see him, like its some big revelation.

like:

[JAMES YOUR HAIR IS BLACK - WHY?]

teehehehehe

I swear my history teacher reached puberty last year.

He said he "outshatted himself" (WELL it sounded like it)

and im like

"You outwhated yourself?!?!?!?!?!"

He told me to Shut up *gasp*

alun threw oragami at me, today on the bus. *blank stare*

where were you while we were getting high?
Someday you will find me
caught beneath the landslide....

*shrug*

idontknow

dad coming back tonight

WHY

why why why why?


okay david is really weird but sometimes...i just love him:

http://home.hccnet.nl/r.piepenbrink/midifile.htm#Q

I LOVE YOU DAVID I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU

And it's hard to hold a candle
In the cold November rain

me ---------------------------^ her

Yes

 she has a good body

I hate her for it