this is bold

this is italic

this is underline

this is center

this is cool

[this is teh pinkness....]

this is pretty big

this is huge

[.F o r . T h o s e . W h o .  C a r e . ]

Well its difficult to explain who I am. Its not something you can write down for you in words. I can try.
Firstly I’m a very opinionated person. If I think something. I say it. If I say something. I’m thinking it. Sometimes I can be brutally honest. But I hate hurting people. I hate it because if I hurt someone. If somebody is hurting, I can see it in their eyes. And that kills me. I can be somewhat vain. I am an extreme camera whore. Not because I think I’m beautiful. But because I enjoy taking pictures. Even if it is of me. Somedays I can wake up and feel so amazing. Just so beautiful. So pretty. So confident. So alive. I want every one to know it. I want every one to feel how I feel. Otherdays I wake up feeling ugly. I look in the mirror, and I see this distorted image of a girl. Somewhere in-between something she’s doing. Not quite started. Not quite finished. Not knowing where to go. Just sort of…there. Alive. Breathing. Aching. Hurting. Smiling. Laughing. Loving.
I cant explain my feelings.
I never seem to find my place. Somewhere I can just be myself. To fit in. to be apart of something on a much larger scale. Larger than my universe I have created in myself.
I am an open person. Ill discuss almost anything and everything with you. But it takes me along time to trust somebody completely. Im afraid of getting too close to somebody because I know they can hurt me. When I love somebody, and they love me back, I let them in completely. I sometimes go through a phase when I suddenly push them away because I fear that they will hurt me. I don’t want to get hurt. I havnt felt that way with Nicholas. He’s different. But more about him later.
I love spending hours in my room creating things. I am a very crafty person. I love using my hands :D I love touch. I love using all my senses in whatever I am doing. I put a lot of time into the people I love. I can spend hours reading. I have adopted one of the steps on my staircase. I sit there for hours and read. I love spending five minutes early morning just staring out the window. Just watching the world go by. In slow motion. Time doesn’t seem to pass. Just takes a moment of my empty time to use for something worth while. I think everybody is beautiful. Nobody is ugly. The only time where somebody seems ugly is if they hate too much. You can see it in their eyes. That is ugly. I watch the people around me and I envy them. I wish that I could be as beautiful as they are. But I know I cant be. Its okay.
I find it extreamly difficult to sit still. I have to be doing something. With my hands. With my legs. With something. I love loners. I love the punk boy who sits at the back of the bus. Nobody sitting next to him. I crave love. I crave being wanted. I don’t want to be accepted and I don’t want to be understood because I don’t understand myself. Its difficult to accept the unknown. I know that. I see strangers, I see people I don’t know everywhere. But I feel familiar. I feel familiar with their pain, and with their happiness. I love eyes. I am pretty intelligent but I don’t put it to use. I don’t try as hard as I could some of the time. I’m not special by anyones standards. Im not special by societies standards. Im just a 15 year old girl in world of billions of people. I don’t stand out because I don’t try to. I don’t fit in because I don’t try to. Im just. .There. I don’t do great in all my subjects. But there are some I do okay in. I love to talk. I love to use big words. I love my vocabulary. Im very literate. I like typing out words to the full. Or I invent words of my own. Its because I’m cool.
I manage to fuck things up without even trying. One of my many talents. Even with instructions given to me at hand, my retarded side always prevail. I frustrate people easy. People frustrate me easily too. I am not patient. When I want something. I want it now.
I keep promises. I hate letting people down. I hate being ignored. I can’t stand it. I rather confront a problem straight away than be ignored for it.
I find it difficult to read time straight away. Especially if I’ve had weed. I like weed.
I like alcohol. It takes me a long time to tie my shoelaces. I have confidence problem sometimes. I feel insecure in places where there are a lot of people. I love to smile at people. Just strangers. Because I know that they will be thinking about it a long time after it happened. It lingers. And I love it.
My mind works in a strange way. I observe. I have so many thoughts in my head. All rushing around. I am not organised. I cant organise. I take my life as it comes. And its worked out fine so far.
My heart belongs to one they call Nicholas. I love him more than I could ever say. He is my everything and more. My anti-drug. My hero. My everything. He makes everything worth while. He is the smile upon my face.
I love pretty things. I love bright colours.
I don’t judge people but I observe people. I watch the same people everyday. Doing what they do. Not doing with they don’t do. Laughing, smiling, crying…. I love to watch people when they don’t think anybodies watching. I love to see how they interact with different people. The ones they love. The ones they “hate”. I amazing to notice that you are most like the ones you hate. I take note of what they wear, how they do their hair, how they act, how they smile and how they really feel. When one of them changes, I simply smile at them. They smile back. In a hint of confusion. But they know what I know. Nobody else.
I love awkward silences. I love just watching peoples reactions as one approaches. Their struggle to make it better. I’m laughing inside.
I love to be alone.
But I love to be around people.
I love to talk and I love the silence.
I <3 eyeliner.
I love ballet. I love dancing and music. I love my feet. I spend hours making my feet look pretty even though they arnt. I decorate them in little trinkets and toe rings and candy striped nail polish. I enjoy making cakes and other deserts. I don’t eat them. Ever. I just make them. I love licking the batter for the bowls afterwards. I sit on the floor of the kitchen and carefully devour each dollop. I am easily distracted and brilliant at procrastinating. I do it almost instinctively.
I sometimes stare fondly at my homework. Hoping it might be done through mind power. I fail. But I manage to talk my way out of detentions etc.
I have a talented tongue. In more ways that one.
I love dying my hair either red or pruple. But I might be completely rebellious and turn turquoise or something.
I wear a turquoise scarf which I love so much. I have matching gloves. None of my clothes match however.
I have lots of friends. But only a few I would call best friends. And I love them with all my heart. I would die for them. I used to have a lot of problems fitting in. I didn’t know who I was or what I wanted to be. All I knew was that what I wanted to be wasn’t who I was. But now im completely comfortable with the person I am. It has made ma much more confident person. Much more accepting of differences.
I have sleeping problems. I don’t call it a problem though because im sued to it. I sleep between 3-4 am everymorning. I wake up at 7:30 and leave for the bus at 7:55. I don’t take much time to get ready. I don’t wear make up. Only eyeliner. I have nothing to cover up. I love going to school with a new hair cut. Or a new coat. I love it how people appraoh me and say “wow you have a new hair cut” almost as if I didn’t realise.
Sarcasm is one of the many services I offer.
I love singing along to Disney songs. I love knowing lyrics to songs. I love reading subtitles at movies. I cant watch them other wise. Well I can. I just have great difficulty in doing so. I don’t believe in “god” but neither do I believe in “Satan”. I believe that religion is a form of hope given to those who seek answers. I don’t seek any answers. I have a hell of a lot of questions though.
My favourite questions are “why” and “why not”. I have an unhealthy obsession with underwear. But its okay, my boyfriend and I benefit.
I spend a lot of money on underwear. I have all the different types of panties you can imagine. And probably about 10 in each style. I wear them according to how I feel. I feel according to what panties I wear. It’s a vicious cycle. I am extremely forgetful but I have a good memory of the important things. I love keeping keepsakes of my past to remind me of everything. I keep a diary. I have kept several diaries since I was six. I love writing. Poetry and other literature. I enjoy drawing nude pictures of women. I love colouring in with crayons on colouring books. I’m still a little girl. I’ve got a lot of growing to do in more ways that one.
But right now….
I’m happy where I am.

[I . M i s s . Y o u . S o . M u c h . 
M y . H e a r t . B l e e d s . F o r . Y o u .
I . A c h e . F o r . Y o u r . T o u ch . 
D e a t h . J u s t . W o n t . D o .] 

[Suck my strap-on]

IAN AND MATT ARE COMING OVER YAY YAY YAY YAY YAY

no Karl your teh couch

xplanation: (see how theres no E in explanation. im just so cool)

Ian: Hi welcome to cathy and karl on the couch
Mally and Ian: Im cathy
Mally: What? NO your KARL
Ian: Im karl ??!?!?!?!?!?!?!
Mally: No karl your teh couch

0kay Y3w kn0w whaT?

Im really sick of feeling ugly or bad about myself at all.

It isnt worth the trouble

I want to feel good about myself again.

Im having a huge revelation here people.

deal with it.


I love waking up in the morning and feeling so

pretty

confident

and just plain kewl.

*puts on uber kewl sunglasses*

To make things worse. im missing <3n i c h o l a s <3 so much.

 my heart is aching for him

But im holding on....

For teh most amazing thing.....

Its worth it.

I havnt been like that latley. Ive been feeling [really bad about myself...] and i havnt really told anybody.

I just figured i can work through it myself.

I can.

But I need to start >now<


Imma have a shower and like, feel pretty :D

and then imma finish my homework.

and then imma c u r l  my >.hair.<

and then imma put on some [g.r.o.o.v.a.y.] music on....

And then imma light some insence.

And then imma just feel gewd about my self :D

Im sick of it

Tomorrow will be a gewd day for me.

I will feel confident :D

Even If something bad happens

imma keep smiling.

I think its important that , aslong as my frame of mind is staying positive...then Everything will be good.

better than gewd

Its all about choices.

How you Take each and Every situation.

How you live your life.

There isnt any point blaming everybody around you...

for something.

It doesnt get you Anywhere....


[==========================]

maybe your wondering where all of this came from.

maybe your just questioning my

 s a n i t y

it doesnt really matter.

I was in the car as we were Driving back from my [peeyanoo lessons].....

We drive down teh most beautiful little road over.

With lapping fields, speckled with the most magnificant horses.

The sun was slowly setting...

e x p l o d i n g blushing pinks into the sky.

Pulsing....

We paused because it was just So beautiful. You never get moments like that.


I saw two horses.

One black

And the other white.

Running.

gallloping accross the fields.

 so powerfull

I cant even begin to describe the

beauty I saw

.

I dont think words could dew justice.

They would catch up with one another and then twine themselves in eachother.

almost as if they were embracing.

Wrap their necks around eachother.

for a moment before they ran again...

They came up to the fence....

 Their beauty was so full of strength. so full of power

.

We sewn drove away.

I dont think that would mean much to you.

But it meant everything to me....

The slightest thing....

changes everything

.

Just one beat.

mmmm drinking lemon juice.

It says it contains

artificial flavouring

I guess so it tastes more...umm lemony.

But i was also wondering Why the fuck washing up liquid is made of

 real lemons

Anyway.

*drinks*

It maybe...that my soul purpose in life is to serve as a warning to others

If today is the first day of the rest of your life...

Surely....

Today is the last day of some of your life.

[Blah...Im just so anal]

Interests: your mother.

How erotic

[Ian and I walking from Religious studies]

me: Ian will you walk me to history
Ian: I have spanish...
Me: *pause* Will you walk me to history
Ian: I can walk you to spanish
Me: Will you walk me to history
Ian:Will you walk me to spanish?
Me: Will you walk me to history and then ill walk you to spanish
Ian: Will you walk me to spanish?
Me: Will you walk me to history
Ian: Will you walk me to spanish?
Me: sure! *pause* HEY!
Ian: *laughs*

I am teh

yewnicorn.

Ian and I made a dictionary in Re.

Maybe Ill type it up.

Matt and Ian are coming around on thursday bitches.

Me...apparantly

[Extraversion]  ||||||||||||||||||||  86%
[Stability] |||||||||||||||||||||||||||| 90%
[Orderliness] |||||| 23%
[Empathy] |||||||||||||||| 70%
[Interdependence] |||||||||||||||| 70%
[Intellectual] |||||||||||||||| 70%
[Mystical......] |||||||||||||||||||| 90%
[Artistic.....] |||||||||||||||||||| 90%
[Religious] || 10%
[Hedonism] |||||||||||||||| 63%
[Materialism] |||||||||||||| 56%
[Narcissism....] |||||||||||||||||| 76%
[Adventurousness] |||||||||||||||||||| 98%
[Work ethic] |||||||||||| 50%
[Self absorbed] |||||||||||||| 56%
[Conflict seeking] |||||||||||| 43%
[Need to dominate] |||||||||||||| 56%

[Romantic.......... ] |||||||||||||||||||||||||||| 99.67%
[Avoidant] | 5%
[Anti-authority ] |||||||||||||||| 70%
[Wealth ] |||||||||||||||||| 76%
[Dependency] |||||||||||||| 56%
[Change averse] |||||||||||||||||||| 90%
[Cautiousness] |||||||||||||| 56%
[Individuality] |||||||||||||||||||| 90%
[Sexuality ] |||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||| 100%
[Peter pan complex] |||||||||||||| 56%
[Physical security] |||||||||||||||||||| 90%
[Food indulgent] |||| 16%
[Histrionic] |||||||||||||||||||| 90%
[Paranoia.....] |||||| 23%
[Vanity.........] |||||||||||||||| 70%
[Hypersensitivity] |||||||||||||||||| 76%
[Female cliche] |||||||||||||||| 63%



[Stability results] were moderately low which suggests you are worrying, insecure, emotional, and anxious.

[Orderliness results] were low which suggests you are overly flexible, improvised, and fun seeking at the expense too often of reliability, work ethic, and long term accomplishment.

[Extraversion results] were very high which suggests you are overly talkative, outgoing, sociable and interacting at the expense too often of developing your own individual interests and internally based identity.


messy, outgoing, open, self revealing, ambivalent about chaos, unpredictable, not good at saving money, social, likes large parties, likes to stand out, risk taker, quick to make friends, does not like to be alone, rash, fame seeking, sarcastic, craves attention, social chameleon, low self control, food lover, not rule conscious, weird, assertive, not a perfectionist, anti-authority, thrill seeker, vain, likes to fit in, reckless, emotionally sensitive, leisurely, trusting

[This is strangly sounding extreamly like me..mmmm....]

http://similarminds.com/cgi-bin/city.pl




Primary Characteristics

  * Energetic
  * Passionate

Positive Personality Traits

  * Adventurous and energetic
  * Dynamic and quick-witted
  * Enthusiastic and confident
  * Pioneering and courageous

Dangers

  * Can be foolhardy
  * Can be impulsive and impatient
  * Can be selfish and quick-tempered




Positive Traits: pioneering, adventurous, energetic, courageous, enterprising, confident, dynamic, quick-witted and freedom-loving

Negative Traits: selfish, quick-tempered, impulsive, impatient, foolhardy and undiplomatic

Likes: action, challenge, spontaneity, championing causes and coming in first

Dislikes: waiting, tyranny, failure, lack of opposition and the advice of others


Positive characteristics:
Courageous
Dynamic
Pioneering
Adventurous
Independent
Quick
Assertive
Competitive
Determined
Forceful
Leaders
Creative
Negative characteristics:
Domineering
Selfish
Intolerant
Impulsive
Impatient
Arrogant
Quick-tempered
Violent



[Now do you feel like you know me?]