[choke_on_dreams]'s diary

570381  Link to this entry 
Written about Friday 2005-05-06
Written: (7017 days ago)

Im cute....No shit


[. G E E K S . G O N E . W I L D .]



Are you my daddy?

I enjoy a good spanking


570374  Link to this entry 
Written about Friday 2005-05-06
Written: (7017 days ago)

me: *I was supposed to have callled ian last night about when hes coming over* IAN IM REALLY SORRY I DIDNT CALL LAST NIGHT....I HAD A SHOWER.
Ian: *pause* for five hours?

[teh next day ]

Me: IAN IM SORRY I DIDNT CALL LAST NIGHT.... I ...
Ian: let me guess. you were taking a shower?
Me: YES
Ian: for another five hours?

569720  Link to this entry 
Written about Thursday 2005-05-05
Written: (7018 days ago)

this is bold

this is italic

this is underline

this is center


this is cool


[this is teh pinkness....]

this is pretty big


this is huge


568967  Link to this entry 
Written about Wednesday 2005-05-04
Written: (7019 days ago)

[.F o r . T h o s e . W h o .  C a r e . ]


Well its difficult to explain who I am. Its not something you can write down for you in words. I can try.
Firstly I’m a very opinionated person. If I think something. I say it. If I say something. I’m thinking it. Sometimes I can be brutally honest. But I hate hurting people. I hate it because if I hurt someone. If somebody is hurting, I can see it in their eyes. And that kills me. I can be somewhat vain. I am an extreme camera whore. Not because I think I’m beautiful. But because I enjoy taking pictures. Even if it is of me. Somedays I can wake up and feel so amazing. Just so beautiful. So pretty. So confident. So alive. I want every one to know it. I want every one to feel how I feel. Otherdays I wake up feeling ugly. I look in the mirror, and I see this distorted image of a girl. Somewhere in-between something she’s doing. Not quite started. Not quite finished. Not knowing where to go. Just sort of…there. Alive. Breathing. Aching. Hurting. Smiling. Laughing. Loving.
I cant explain my feelings.
I never seem to find my place. Somewhere I can just be myself. To fit in. to be apart of something on a much larger scale. Larger than my universe I have created in myself.
I am an open person. Ill discuss almost anything and everything with you. But it takes me along time to trust somebody completely. Im afraid of getting too close to somebody because I know they can hurt me. When I love somebody, and they love me back, I let them in completely. I sometimes go through a phase when I suddenly push them away because I fear that they will hurt me. I don’t want to get hurt. I havnt felt that way with Nicholas. He’s different. But more about him later.
I love spending hours in my room creating things. I am a very crafty person. I love using my hands :D I love touch. I love using all my senses in whatever I am doing. I put a lot of time into the people I love. I can spend hours reading. I have adopted one of the steps on my staircase. I sit there for hours and read. I love spending five minutes early morning just staring out the window. Just watching the world go by. In slow motion. Time doesn’t seem to pass. Just takes a moment of my empty time to use for something worth while. I think everybody is beautiful. Nobody is ugly. The only time where somebody seems ugly is if they hate too much. You can see it in their eyes. That is ugly. I watch the people around me and I envy them. I wish that I could be as beautiful as they are. But I know I cant be. Its okay.
I find it extreamly difficult to sit still. I have to be doing something. With my hands. With my legs. With something. I love loners. I love the punk boy who sits at the back of the bus. Nobody sitting next to him. I crave love. I crave being wanted. I don’t want to be accepted and I don’t want to be understood because I don’t understand myself. Its difficult to accept the unknown. I know that. I see strangers, I see people I don’t know everywhere. But I feel familiar. I feel familiar with their pain, and with their happiness. I love eyes. I am pretty intelligent but I don’t put it to use. I don’t try as hard as I could some of the time. I’m not special by anyones standards. Im not special by societies standards. Im just a 15 year old girl in world of billions of people. I don’t stand out because I don’t try to. I don’t fit in because I don’t try to. Im just. .There. I don’t do great in all my subjects. But there are some I do okay in. I love to talk. I love to use big words. I love my vocabulary. Im very literate. I like typing out words to the full. Or I invent words of my own. Its because I’m cool.
I manage to fuck things up without even trying. One of my many talents. Even with instructions given to me at hand, my retarded side always prevail. I frustrate people easy. People frustrate me easily too. I am not patient. When I want something. I want it now.
I keep promises. I hate letting people down. I hate being ignored. I can’t stand it. I rather confront a problem straight away than be ignored for it.
I find it difficult to read time straight away. Especially if I’ve had weed. I like weed.
I like alcohol. It takes me a long time to tie my shoelaces. I have confidence problem sometimes. I feel insecure in places where there are a lot of people. I love to smile at people. Just strangers. Because I know that they will be thinking about it a long time after it happened. It lingers. And I love it.
My mind works in a strange way. I observe. I have so many thoughts in my head. All rushing around. I am not organised. I cant organise. I take my life as it comes. And its worked out fine so far.
My heart belongs to one they call Nicholas. I love him more than I could ever say. He is my everything and more. My anti-drug. My hero. My everything. He makes everything worth while. He is the smile upon my face.
I love pretty things. I love bright colours.
I don’t judge people but I observe people. I watch the same people everyday. Doing what they do. Not doing with they don’t do. Laughing, smiling, crying…. I love to watch people when they don’t think anybodies watching. I love to see how they interact with different people. The ones they love. The ones they “hate”. I amazing to notice that you are most like the ones you hate. I take note of what they wear, how they do their hair, how they act, how they smile and how they really feel. When one of them changes, I simply smile at them. They smile back. In a hint of confusion. But they know what I know. Nobody else.
I love awkward silences. I love just watching peoples reactions as one approaches. Their struggle to make it better. I’m laughing inside.
I love to be alone.
But I love to be around people.
I love to talk and I love the silence.
I <3 eyeliner.
I love ballet. I love dancing and music. I love my feet. I spend hours making my feet look pretty even though they arnt. I decorate them in little trinkets and toe rings and candy striped nail polish. I enjoy making cakes and other deserts. I don’t eat them. Ever. I just make them. I love licking the batter for the bowls afterwards. I sit on the floor of the kitchen and carefully devour each dollop. I am easily distracted and brilliant at procrastinating. I do it almost instinctively.
I sometimes stare fondly at my homework. Hoping it might be done through mind power. I fail. But I manage to talk my way out of detentions etc.
I have a talented tongue. In more ways that one.
I love dying my hair either red or pruple. But I might be completely rebellious and turn turquoise or something.
I wear a turquoise scarf which I love so much. I have matching gloves. None of my clothes match however.
I have lots of friends. But only a few I would call best friends. And I love them with all my heart. I would die for them. I used to have a lot of problems fitting in. I didn’t know who I was or what I wanted to be. All I knew was that what I wanted to be wasn’t who I was. But now im completely comfortable with the person I am. It has made ma much more confident person. Much more accepting of differences.
I have sleeping problems. I don’t call it a problem though because im sued to it. I sleep between 3-4 am everymorning. I wake up at 7:30 and leave for the bus at 7:55. I don’t take much time to get ready. I don’t wear make up. Only eyeliner. I have nothing to cover up. I love going to school with a new hair cut. Or a new coat. I love it how people appraoh me and say “wow you have a new hair cut” almost as if I didn’t realise.
Sarcasm is one of the many services I offer.
I love singing along to Disney songs. I love knowing lyrics to songs. I love reading subtitles at movies. I cant watch them other wise. Well I can. I just have great difficulty in doing so. I don’t believe in “god” but neither do I believe in “Satan”. I believe that religion is a form of hope given to those who seek answers. I don’t seek any answers. I have a hell of a lot of questions though.
My favourite questions are “why” and “why not”. I have an unhealthy obsession with underwear. But its okay, my boyfriend and I benefit.
I spend a lot of money on underwear. I have all the different types of panties you can imagine. And probably about 10 in each style. I wear them according to how I feel. I feel according to what panties I wear. It’s a vicious cycle. I am extremely forgetful but I have a good memory of the important things. I love keeping keepsakes of my past to remind me of everything. I keep a diary. I have kept several diaries since I was six. I love writing. Poetry and other literature. I enjoy drawing nude pictures of women. I love colouring in with crayons on colouring books. I’m still a little girl. I’ve got a lot of growing to do in more ways that one.
But right now….
I’m happy where I am.







568889  Link to this entry 
Written about Wednesday 2005-05-04
Written: (7019 days ago)

I suck at life. But I'm still pretty cool

568865  Link to this entry 
Written about Wednesday 2005-05-04
Written: (7019 days ago)

[I . M i s s . Y o u . S o . M u c h . 
M y . H e a r t . B l e e d s . F o r . Y o u .
I . A c h e . F o r . Y o u r . T o u ch . 
D e a t h . J u s t . W o n t . D o .] 






568860  Link to this entry 
Written about Wednesday 2005-05-04
Written: (7019 days ago)

[Suck my strap-on]
568828  Link to this entry 
Written about Wednesday 2005-05-04
Written: (7019 days ago)

IAN AND MATT ARE COMING OVER YAY YAY YAY YAY YAY

no Karl your teh couch


xplanation: (see how theres no E in explanation. im just so cool)

Ian: Hi welcome to cathy and karl on the couch
Mally and Ian: Im cathy
Mally: What? NO your KARL
Ian: Im karl ??!?!?!?!?!?!?!
Mally: No karl your teh couch

568211  Link to this entry 
Written about Tuesday 2005-05-03
Written: (7020 days ago)

okay

This is really hard for me

I dont think anybody realises

How much I miss him

*Cries* I need you Nicholas

568162  Link to this entry 
Written about Tuesday 2005-05-03
Written: (7020 days ago)

Me: Hey izzy I might accidently, spontainiously um....
Izzy: ........
Me: hehehehe
Izzy: what were you saying?
Me: We never had this conversation *cheesy wink* ;);)
Izzy: Mally, your not by any chance planning on coming to my house tomorrow are you?
Me: WHAT!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?! *BECOMES CONFUSED AND DISORIENTATED*
Izzy: your so entertaining

568156  Link to this entry 
Written about Tuesday 2005-05-03
Written: (7020 days ago)

shit.

Ive cut my self (UNINTENTIONALLY)....:S

Im now <bleeding> in [twelve.....] differnt places.

Im just trying to figure out how to aid the blood loss.

568044  Link to this entry 
Written about Tuesday 2005-05-03
Written: (7020 days ago)

0kay Y3w kn0w whaT?

Im really sick of feeling ugly or bad about myself at all.

It isnt worth the trouble

I want to feel good about myself again.

Im having a huge revelation here people.

deal with it.


I love waking up in the morning and feeling so

pretty


confident

and just plain kewl.

*puts on uber kewl sunglasses*

To make things worse. im missing <3n i c h o l a s <3 so much.

 my heart is aching for him


But im holding on....

For teh most amazing thing.....

Its worth it.

I havnt been like that latley. Ive been feeling [really bad about myself...] and i havnt really told anybody.

I just figured i can work through it myself.

I can.

But I need to start >now<


Imma have a shower and like, feel pretty :D

and then imma finish my homework.

and then imma c u r l  my >.hair.<

and then imma put on some [g.r.o.o.v.a.y.] music on....

And then imma light some insence.

And then imma just feel gewd about my self :D

Im sick of it


Tomorrow will be a gewd day for me.

I will feel confident :D

Even If something bad happens

imma keep smiling.

I think its important that , aslong as my frame of mind is staying positive...then Everything will be good.

better than gewd


Its all about choices.

How you Take each and Every situation.

How you live your life.

There isnt any point blaming everybody around you...

for something.

It doesnt get you Anywhere....


[==========================]

maybe your wondering where all of this came from.

maybe your just questioning my
 s a n i t y


it doesnt really matter.

I was in the car as we were Driving back from my [peeyanoo lessons].....

We drive down teh most beautiful little road over.

With lapping fields, speckled with the most magnificant horses.

The sun was slowly setting...

e x p l o d i n g blushing pinks into the sky.

Pulsing....


We paused because it was just So beautiful. You never get moments like that.


I saw two horses.

One black

And the other white.

Running.

gallloping accross the fields.

 so powerfull


I cant even begin to describe the
beauty I saw
.

I dont think words could dew justice.

They would catch up with one another and then twine themselves in eachother.

almost as if they were embracing.

Wrap their necks around eachother.

for a moment before they ran again...

They came up to the fence....

 Their beauty was so full of strength. so full of power
.

We sewn drove away.

I dont think that would mean much to you.

But it meant everything to me....

The slightest thing....

changes everything
.

Just one beat.
568042  Link to this entry 
Written about Tuesday 2005-05-03
Written: (7020 days ago)

Just went to peeyano yo

My concert is pretty close.

Im kinda worried about that.


In re:: [This um, "mentally retarded" (i dont knnow how else to put it) kid runs out of the class room (hes so cute) Screaming "WHY CANT I GET OUT OF MY OWN CLASS ROOM, WHY CANT I GET OUT OF MY OWN CLASS REWM". apparantly hes like 12 but he lewks like 3. aww. anyway MARK (teh new kid) is like stroking his head and saying:]

Mark: AWW *STroke* hes so cute!
Me: Mark can you stop being so NASTY to the kid
kid: *Screaming frantically*
Mark: I really want to adopt him...*turns to me* umm *SILENCE. EVERYBODY IN THE CLASS LEWKS AT ME* Mally do you want to get married and then adopt him?

*i feel everyone stare at me*

me: um. no mark. *scurries away*



[+_+_+_+_+_+_+_+_+_+_+_++_+_+_+_++_+_+_+_+_+_+_+]

[On teh bus home from school.]

david: *to me - sitting on the floor* MALLY WHY WERE YOU SMOKING? (he was talking about this weekend)


*the whole bus goes quiet*

*everybody lewks at ME thinking that im smoking right there*

me: *Dies*

567951  Link to this entry 
Written about Tuesday 2005-05-03
Written: (7020 days ago)

mmmm drinking lemon juice.

It says it contains

artificial flavouring


I guess so it tastes more...umm lemony.

But i was also wondering Why the fuck washing up liquid is made of
 real lemons


Anyway.

*drinks*


It maybe...that my soul purpose in life is to serve as a warning to others



If today is the first day of the rest of your life...

Surely....

Today is the last day of some of your life.
567917  Link to this entry 
Written about Tuesday 2005-05-03
Written: (7020 days ago)

Mally: My brother is nnuynnunging ne
Izzy: Is your brother nnuynunging you mally?
...
SHUT THE FUCK UP!!!


[Ill have you know. i am a brilliant typist.]

567913  Link to this entry 
Written about Tuesday 2005-05-03
Written: (7020 days ago)

[Blah...Im just so anal]
567887  Link to this entry 
Written about Tuesday 2005-05-03
Written: (7020 days ago)

Interests: your mother.


How erotic


[Ian and I walking from Religious studies]

me: Ian will you walk me to history
Ian: I have spanish...
Me: *pause* Will you walk me to history
Ian: I can walk you to spanish
Me: Will you walk me to history
Ian:Will you walk me to spanish?
Me: Will you walk me to history and then ill walk you to spanish
Ian: Will you walk me to spanish?
Me: Will you walk me to history
Ian: Will you walk me to spanish?
Me: sure! *pause* HEY!
Ian: *laughs*

I am teh

yewnicorn.

Ian and I made a dictionary in Re.

Maybe Ill type it up.

Matt and Ian are coming around on thursday bitches.



567411  Link to this entry 
Written about Monday 2005-05-02
Written: (7021 days ago)

Standing for what you believe in,
Regardless of the odds against you,
and pressure that tears at your resistance,
...means courage

Stopping at nothing,
And doing what's in your heart,
You know is right,
...means determination


Keeping a smile on your face,
When inside you feel like dying,
For the sake of supporting others,
...means strength

Helping a friend in need,
No matter the time or effort,
To the best of your ability,
...means loyalty


Doing more than is expected,
To make another's life more bearable,
Without uttering a single complaint,
...means compassion

Giving more than you have,
And expecting nothing
But nothing in return,
..means everything

567393  Link to this entry 
Written about Monday 2005-05-02
Written: (7021 days ago)

ugh

Ive come to realise that

some people are alive only because it's illegal to fucking kill them

 The logged in version 

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