ugghh lol im not having a very good day. I dislike being a girl at this time of Teh month.......
If your thinking that things couldnt get w o r s e your just probably lakcing suffient imagination.

Well im planning on getting quite alot of homework actually Completeted this weekend. Its difficult though when ive always thought that :

"Its only homework if its due tomorrow"

My concert is on sunday.
mmm...




bush implied that the only reason to have a nuclear arsenal would be to take over the world.. irronic, isn't it?

hmmm if my calculations are correct. ([I spent a long time working on this.....])

slinky + escalator = endless supply of fun 

I would have made a good pope

Im pissed off.

No cool writing today folks

too much to type.

Okay well my friend, Emma..well, she is my friend. stating the ovbious I know but still. We arnt the cloest of friends,we talk and yeah we have fun together but we're not like best friends. I hate it when my friends get hurt. I wont let it happen. You see, emma, is pretty much like me, shes kinda small and mmm yeah. very pretty tew :) but teh thing is shes going out with this amazzzing guy called steven.

apparantly the problem here is that steven is really tall. Ill explain in a moment.
Height doesnt matter at all. I dont think so anyway. They love eachother so why should something as insignificant as height have to do with anything. another thing, emma is 14 and stevo is 17. 3 years. shes going to be 15 soon anyway. so thats two years.
Thats besides the point anyway beacuse, like they love eachother, it doesnt matter about anything like that. especially age and height.

Theyve been going out for what? maybe 4 to 5 months now? and at the start, i guess it might have looked a little odd. not bad. just odd. kinda differnt. but as time went on, i realised that they really liked eachother. i mean, you can see it in their eyes. they way they are when theyr with eachother.

Anyway the fucckbags at my school, just...well..fuckbag.
they follow them around screwming "STEVO TEH PEDO" - almost as if they are literary geniouses. trust me your not.

its not hard to rearange some letters so they sound alike.

stevo and pedo.

very lame.

anyway, at the beginining okay, maybe it was understandable, for people to be , i dont know, sort of judging their relationship on the appearence of the couple. im srue everybody does it. but its beenn 5 months now and it isnt just funnny taking the piss sorta thing anymore. this is bullying.

hoards of people, fucking year 9s and fucking year 11s follow them them around yelling abuse. throwing shit.

Its fucking low.

anyway. At first it bothered them a littlebit but im sure they understood that people must have some sort of opinoons on how they appear. maybe theyll give up. but as time went on...they didnt give up.

When theyr out side the bus, and steven kissess her, everybody on the goddamn bus starts pounding at the fucking window screaming shit. steven and emma sort of look up and smile before carrying on (which i thought kicked ass)...

they seem strong. and man, they are strong for puutting up with all this shit for so long but theres only so much someone can take.

its hurting emma alot.

and i dont like to see her like that.

Its not funny having her boyfriend be called a pedophile...


anyway.


I was walking in the hall and this boy walks passed me and yells "STEVO TEH PEDO"

i turned around and grabbed his arm and said :

me: excuse me motherfucker. what exactly IS your problem?
fucker: hes a pedooooo
me: Well you fuckbag, i suggest you invest in a dictionary. im sure in there youll find that having a 2 to 3 year age gap is not considerered as pedophila. I also suggest that you go crawl up and die in the little hole that you were once born in . Your pretty fucking low ass hole, pathetic if you ask me... *Stare*
fucker: what are you looking at?
me: not much, trust me.
fucker: hahaha
me: no buddy the jokes on you
fucker: how tall is she like 3 foot
me: how long are you? like 3 milimeters? yes , i thought so. I pity you for the insane lack of sex your going to recieve in life, but please dont take out your anger on them. especially until you dont know the meaning of what your exactly accusing him off. 

[the conversation continued like this for sometime...i cant remember exaactly what was being said. it was all so petty]

fucker: are you finished yet?
me: no cunt, i think you are

*walks away*

Im cute....No shit

[. G E E K S . G O N E . W I L D .]

Are you my daddy?

I enjoy a good spanking

this is bold

this is italic

this is underline

this is center

this is cool

[this is teh pinkness....]

this is pretty big

this is huge

[.F o r . T h o s e . W h o .  C a r e . ]

Well its difficult to explain who I am. Its not something you can write down for you in words. I can try.
Firstly I’m a very opinionated person. If I think something. I say it. If I say something. I’m thinking it. Sometimes I can be brutally honest. But I hate hurting people. I hate it because if I hurt someone. If somebody is hurting, I can see it in their eyes. And that kills me. I can be somewhat vain. I am an extreme camera whore. Not because I think I’m beautiful. But because I enjoy taking pictures. Even if it is of me. Somedays I can wake up and feel so amazing. Just so beautiful. So pretty. So confident. So alive. I want every one to know it. I want every one to feel how I feel. Otherdays I wake up feeling ugly. I look in the mirror, and I see this distorted image of a girl. Somewhere in-between something she’s doing. Not quite started. Not quite finished. Not knowing where to go. Just sort of…there. Alive. Breathing. Aching. Hurting. Smiling. Laughing. Loving.
I cant explain my feelings.
I never seem to find my place. Somewhere I can just be myself. To fit in. to be apart of something on a much larger scale. Larger than my universe I have created in myself.
I am an open person. Ill discuss almost anything and everything with you. But it takes me along time to trust somebody completely. Im afraid of getting too close to somebody because I know they can hurt me. When I love somebody, and they love me back, I let them in completely. I sometimes go through a phase when I suddenly push them away because I fear that they will hurt me. I don’t want to get hurt. I havnt felt that way with Nicholas. He’s different. But more about him later.
I love spending hours in my room creating things. I am a very crafty person. I love using my hands :D I love touch. I love using all my senses in whatever I am doing. I put a lot of time into the people I love. I can spend hours reading. I have adopted one of the steps on my staircase. I sit there for hours and read. I love spending five minutes early morning just staring out the window. Just watching the world go by. In slow motion. Time doesn’t seem to pass. Just takes a moment of my empty time to use for something worth while. I think everybody is beautiful. Nobody is ugly. The only time where somebody seems ugly is if they hate too much. You can see it in their eyes. That is ugly. I watch the people around me and I envy them. I wish that I could be as beautiful as they are. But I know I cant be. Its okay.
I find it extreamly difficult to sit still. I have to be doing something. With my hands. With my legs. With something. I love loners. I love the punk boy who sits at the back of the bus. Nobody sitting next to him. I crave love. I crave being wanted. I don’t want to be accepted and I don’t want to be understood because I don’t understand myself. Its difficult to accept the unknown. I know that. I see strangers, I see people I don’t know everywhere. But I feel familiar. I feel familiar with their pain, and with their happiness. I love eyes. I am pretty intelligent but I don’t put it to use. I don’t try as hard as I could some of the time. I’m not special by anyones standards. Im not special by societies standards. Im just a 15 year old girl in world of billions of people. I don’t stand out because I don’t try to. I don’t fit in because I don’t try to. Im just. .There. I don’t do great in all my subjects. But there are some I do okay in. I love to talk. I love to use big words. I love my vocabulary. Im very literate. I like typing out words to the full. Or I invent words of my own. Its because I’m cool.
I manage to fuck things up without even trying. One of my many talents. Even with instructions given to me at hand, my retarded side always prevail. I frustrate people easy. People frustrate me easily too. I am not patient. When I want something. I want it now.
I keep promises. I hate letting people down. I hate being ignored. I can’t stand it. I rather confront a problem straight away than be ignored for it.
I find it difficult to read time straight away. Especially if I’ve had weed. I like weed.
I like alcohol. It takes me a long time to tie my shoelaces. I have confidence problem sometimes. I feel insecure in places where there are a lot of people. I love to smile at people. Just strangers. Because I know that they will be thinking about it a long time after it happened. It lingers. And I love it.
My mind works in a strange way. I observe. I have so many thoughts in my head. All rushing around. I am not organised. I cant organise. I take my life as it comes. And its worked out fine so far.
My heart belongs to one they call Nicholas. I love him more than I could ever say. He is my everything and more. My anti-drug. My hero. My everything. He makes everything worth while. He is the smile upon my face.
I love pretty things. I love bright colours.
I don’t judge people but I observe people. I watch the same people everyday. Doing what they do. Not doing with they don’t do. Laughing, smiling, crying…. I love to watch people when they don’t think anybodies watching. I love to see how they interact with different people. The ones they love. The ones they “hate”. I amazing to notice that you are most like the ones you hate. I take note of what they wear, how they do their hair, how they act, how they smile and how they really feel. When one of them changes, I simply smile at them. They smile back. In a hint of confusion. But they know what I know. Nobody else.
I love awkward silences. I love just watching peoples reactions as one approaches. Their struggle to make it better. I’m laughing inside.
I love to be alone.
But I love to be around people.
I love to talk and I love the silence.
I <3 eyeliner.
I love ballet. I love dancing and music. I love my feet. I spend hours making my feet look pretty even though they arnt. I decorate them in little trinkets and toe rings and candy striped nail polish. I enjoy making cakes and other deserts. I don’t eat them. Ever. I just make them. I love licking the batter for the bowls afterwards. I sit on the floor of the kitchen and carefully devour each dollop. I am easily distracted and brilliant at procrastinating. I do it almost instinctively.
I sometimes stare fondly at my homework. Hoping it might be done through mind power. I fail. But I manage to talk my way out of detentions etc.
I have a talented tongue. In more ways that one.
I love dying my hair either red or pruple. But I might be completely rebellious and turn turquoise or something.
I wear a turquoise scarf which I love so much. I have matching gloves. None of my clothes match however.
I have lots of friends. But only a few I would call best friends. And I love them with all my heart. I would die for them. I used to have a lot of problems fitting in. I didn’t know who I was or what I wanted to be. All I knew was that what I wanted to be wasn’t who I was. But now im completely comfortable with the person I am. It has made ma much more confident person. Much more accepting of differences.
I have sleeping problems. I don’t call it a problem though because im sued to it. I sleep between 3-4 am everymorning. I wake up at 7:30 and leave for the bus at 7:55. I don’t take much time to get ready. I don’t wear make up. Only eyeliner. I have nothing to cover up. I love going to school with a new hair cut. Or a new coat. I love it how people appraoh me and say “wow you have a new hair cut” almost as if I didn’t realise.
Sarcasm is one of the many services I offer.
I love singing along to Disney songs. I love knowing lyrics to songs. I love reading subtitles at movies. I cant watch them other wise. Well I can. I just have great difficulty in doing so. I don’t believe in “god” but neither do I believe in “Satan”. I believe that religion is a form of hope given to those who seek answers. I don’t seek any answers. I have a hell of a lot of questions though.
My favourite questions are “why” and “why not”. I have an unhealthy obsession with underwear. But its okay, my boyfriend and I benefit.
I spend a lot of money on underwear. I have all the different types of panties you can imagine. And probably about 10 in each style. I wear them according to how I feel. I feel according to what panties I wear. It’s a vicious cycle. I am extremely forgetful but I have a good memory of the important things. I love keeping keepsakes of my past to remind me of everything. I keep a diary. I have kept several diaries since I was six. I love writing. Poetry and other literature. I enjoy drawing nude pictures of women. I love colouring in with crayons on colouring books. I’m still a little girl. I’ve got a lot of growing to do in more ways that one.
But right now….
I’m happy where I am.

[I . M i s s . Y o u . S o . M u c h . 
M y . H e a r t . B l e e d s . F o r . Y o u .
I . A c h e . F o r . Y o u r . T o u ch . 
D e a t h . J u s t . W o n t . D o .] 

[Suck my strap-on]

IAN AND MATT ARE COMING OVER YAY YAY YAY YAY YAY

no Karl your teh couch

xplanation: (see how theres no E in explanation. im just so cool)

Ian: Hi welcome to cathy and karl on the couch
Mally and Ian: Im cathy
Mally: What? NO your KARL
Ian: Im karl ??!?!?!?!?!?!?!
Mally: No karl your teh couch

0kay Y3w kn0w whaT?

Im really sick of feeling ugly or bad about myself at all.

It isnt worth the trouble

I want to feel good about myself again.

Im having a huge revelation here people.

deal with it.


I love waking up in the morning and feeling so

pretty

confident

and just plain kewl.

*puts on uber kewl sunglasses*

To make things worse. im missing <3n i c h o l a s <3 so much.

 my heart is aching for him

But im holding on....

For teh most amazing thing.....

Its worth it.

I havnt been like that latley. Ive been feeling [really bad about myself...] and i havnt really told anybody.

I just figured i can work through it myself.

I can.

But I need to start >now<


Imma have a shower and like, feel pretty :D

and then imma finish my homework.

and then imma c u r l  my >.hair.<

and then imma put on some [g.r.o.o.v.a.y.] music on....

And then imma light some insence.

And then imma just feel gewd about my self :D

Im sick of it

Tomorrow will be a gewd day for me.

I will feel confident :D

Even If something bad happens

imma keep smiling.

I think its important that , aslong as my frame of mind is staying positive...then Everything will be good.

better than gewd

Its all about choices.

How you Take each and Every situation.

How you live your life.

There isnt any point blaming everybody around you...

for something.

It doesnt get you Anywhere....


[==========================]

maybe your wondering where all of this came from.

maybe your just questioning my

 s a n i t y

it doesnt really matter.

I was in the car as we were Driving back from my [peeyanoo lessons].....

We drive down teh most beautiful little road over.

With lapping fields, speckled with the most magnificant horses.

The sun was slowly setting...

e x p l o d i n g blushing pinks into the sky.

Pulsing....

We paused because it was just So beautiful. You never get moments like that.


I saw two horses.

One black

And the other white.

Running.

gallloping accross the fields.

 so powerfull

I cant even begin to describe the

beauty I saw

.

I dont think words could dew justice.

They would catch up with one another and then twine themselves in eachother.

almost as if they were embracing.

Wrap their necks around eachother.

for a moment before they ran again...

They came up to the fence....

 Their beauty was so full of strength. so full of power

.

We sewn drove away.

I dont think that would mean much to you.

But it meant everything to me....

The slightest thing....

changes everything

.

Just one beat.

mmmm drinking lemon juice.

It says it contains

artificial flavouring

I guess so it tastes more...umm lemony.

But i was also wondering Why the fuck washing up liquid is made of

 real lemons

Anyway.

*drinks*

It maybe...that my soul purpose in life is to serve as a warning to others

If today is the first day of the rest of your life...

Surely....

Today is the last day of some of your life.