[choke_on_dreams]'s diary

575906 Link to this entry
Written about Monday 2005-05-16
Written: (7133 days ago)

Im a Creep

Im so creepy

575891 Link to this entry
Written about Monday 2005-05-16
Written: (7133 days ago)

If I get two cats. Im going to call them ~:


                              Lucifer
                                 and
                              Vodka

How very hawt.

I like the name Rhianna

Megan too. But pronounced Maygen.

Turquoise.

eww. Turkey!

Canvas.

And as suggested by Nicholas :

.Zen.

And isnt that the hawtest name you have Ever come across?

[+] willow
[=] Coral
[+] Indigo

575856 Link to this entry
Written about Monday 2005-05-16
Written: (7133 days ago)

Things to Do:

[.1.)] Shave my Legs

[2)] Wash My hair --->Shampoo ---> Condition ---> Dry

[3)] Curl My hair

[4)] Paint My Nails.

[5)] Sing along to Power ballards.

[6)] Light insence

[7)] Prance around in my underwear.

[8)] Marvel at the colour [x-x Pink x-x]

[9)] Draw doodles in your diary of little fluffy bunnies and hearts.

---------->[And you say its not fun to be a girl?]<----------

575854 Link to this entry
Written about Monday 2005-05-16
Written: (7133 days ago)

[.F o r . T h o s e . W h o .  C a r e . ]

Well its difficult to explain who I am. Its not something you can write down for you in words. I can try.
Firstly I’m a very opinionated person. If I think something. I say it. If I say something. I’m thinking it. Sometimes I can be brutally honest. But I hate hurting people. I hate it because if I hurt someone. If somebody is hurting, I can see it in their eyes. And that kills me. I can be somewhat vain. I am an extreme camera whore. Not because I think I’m beautiful. But because I enjoy taking pictures. Even if it is of me. Somedays I can wake up and feel so amazing. Just so beautiful. So pretty. So confident. So alive. I want every one to know it. I want every one to feel how I feel. Otherdays I wake up feeling ugly. I look in the mirror, and I see this distorted image of a girl. Somewhere in-between something she’s doing. Not quite started. Not quite finished. Not knowing where to go. Just sort of…there. Alive. Breathing. Aching. Hurting. Smiling. Laughing. Loving.
I cant explain my feelings.
I never seem to find my place. Somewhere I can just be myself. To fit in. to be apart of something on a much larger scale. Larger than my universe I have created in myself.
I am an open person. Ill discuss almost anything and everything with you. But it takes me along time to trust somebody completely. Im afraid of getting too close to somebody because I know they can hurt me. When I love somebody, and they love me back, I let them in completely. I sometimes go through a phase when I suddenly push them away because I fear that they will hurt me. I don’t want to get hurt. I havnt felt that way with Nicholas. He’s different. But more about him later.
I love spending hours in my room creating things. I am a very crafty person. I love using my hands :D I love touch. I love using all my senses in whatever I am doing. I put a lot of time into the people I love. I can spend hours reading. I have adopted one of the steps on my staircase. I sit there for hours and read. I love spending five minutes early morning just staring out the window. Just watching the world go by. In slow motion. Time doesn’t seem to pass. Just takes a moment of my empty time to use for something worth while. I think everybody is beautiful. Nobody is ugly. The only time where somebody seems ugly is if they hate too much. You can see it in their eyes. That is ugly. I watch the people around me and I envy them. I wish that I could be as beautiful as they are. But I know I cant be. Its okay.
I find it extreamly difficult to sit still. I have to be doing something. With my hands. With my legs. With something. I love loners. I love the punk boy who sits at the back of the bus. Nobody sitting next to him. I crave love. I crave being wanted. I don’t want to be accepted and I don’t want to be understood because I don’t understand myself. Its difficult to accept the unknown. I know that. I see strangers, I see people I don’t know everywhere. But I feel familiar. I feel familiar with their pain, and with their happiness. I love eyes. I am pretty intelligent but I don’t put it to use. I don’t try as hard as I could some of the time. I’m not special by anyones standards. Im not special by societies standards. Im just a 15 year old girl in world of billions of people. I don’t stand out because I don’t try to. I don’t fit in because I don’t try to. Im just. .There. I don’t do great in all my subjects. But there are some I do okay in. I love to talk. I love to use big words. I love my vocabulary. Im very literate. I like typing out words to the full. Or I invent words of my own. Its because I’m cool.
I manage to fuck things up without even trying. One of my many talents. Even with instructions given to me at hand, my retarded side always prevail. I frustrate people easy. People frustrate me easily too. I am not patient. When I want something. I want it now.
I keep promises. I hate letting people down. I hate being ignored. I can’t stand it. I rather confront a problem straight away than be ignored for it.
I find it difficult to read time straight away. Especially if I’ve had weed. I like weed.
I like alcohol. It takes me a long time to tie my shoelaces. I have confidence problem sometimes. I feel insecure in places where there are a lot of people. I love to smile at people. Just strangers. Because I know that they will be thinking about it a long time after it happened. It lingers. And I love it.
My mind works in a strange way. I observe. I have so many thoughts in my head. All rushing around. I am not organised. I cant organise. I take my life as it comes. And its worked out fine so far.
My heart belongs to one they call Nicholas. I love him more than I could ever say. He is my everything and more. My anti-drug. My hero. My everything. He makes everything worth while. He is the smile upon my face.
I love pretty things. I love bright colours.
I don’t judge people but I observe people. I watch the same people everyday. Doing what they do. Not doing with they don’t do. Laughing, smiling, crying…. I love to watch people when they don’t think anybodies watching. I love to see how they interact with different people. The ones they love. The ones they “hate”. I amazing to notice that you are most like the ones you hate. I take note of what they wear, how they do their hair, how they act, how they smile and how they really feel. When one of them changes, I simply smile at them. They smile back. In a hint of confusion. But they know what I know. Nobody else.
I love awkward silences. I love just watching peoples reactions as one approaches. Their struggle to make it better. I’m laughing inside.
I love to be alone.
But I love to be around people.
I love to talk and I love the silence.
I <3 eyeliner.
I love ballet. I love dancing and music. I love my feet. I spend hours making my feet look pretty even though they arnt. I decorate them in little trinkets and toe rings and candy striped nail polish. I enjoy making cakes and other deserts. I don’t eat them. Ever. I just make them. I love licking the batter for the bowls afterwards. I sit on the floor of the kitchen and carefully devour each dollop. I am easily distracted and brilliant at procrastinating. I do it almost instinctively.
I sometimes stare fondly at my homework. Hoping it might be done through mind power. I fail. But I manage to talk my way out of detentions etc.
I have a talented tongue. In more ways that one.
I love dying my hair either red or pruple. But I might be completely rebellious and turn turquoise or something.
I wear a turquoise scarf which I love so much. I have matching gloves. None of my clothes match however.
I have lots of friends. But only a few I would call best friends. And I love them with all my heart. I would die for them. I used to have a lot of problems fitting in. I didn’t know who I was or what I wanted to be. All I knew was that what I wanted to be wasn’t who I was. But now im completely comfortable with the person I am. It has made ma much more confident person. Much more accepting of differences.
I have sleeping problems. I don’t call it a problem though because im sued to it. I sleep between 3-4 am everymorning. I wake up at 7:30 and leave for the bus at 7:55. I don’t take much time to get ready. I don’t wear make up. Only eyeliner. I have nothing to cover up. I love going to school with a new hair cut. Or a new coat. I love it how people appraoh me and say “wow you have a new hair cut” almost as if I didn’t realise.
Sarcasm is one of the many services I offer.
I love singing along to Disney songs. I love knowing lyrics to songs. I love reading subtitles at movies. I cant watch them other wise. Well I can. I just have great difficulty in doing so. I don’t believe in “god” but neither do I believe in “Satan”. I believe that religion is a form of hope given to those who seek answers. I don’t seek any answers. I have a hell of a lot of questions though.
My favourite questions are “why” and “why not”. I have an unhealthy obsession with underwear. But its okay, my boyfriend and I benefit.
I spend a lot of money on underwear. I have all the different types of panties you can imagine. And probably about 10 in each style. I wear them according to how I feel. I feel according to what panties I wear. It’s a vicious cycle. I am extremely forgetful but I have a good memory of the important things. I love keeping keepsakes of my past to remind me of everything. I keep a diary. I have kept several diaries since I was six. I love writing. Poetry and other literature. I enjoy drawing nude pictures of women. I love colouring in with crayons on colouring books. I’m still a little girl. I’ve got a lot of growing to do in more ways that one.
But right now….
I’m happy where I am.

----x----The End----x----

575851 Link to this entry
Written about Monday 2005-05-16
Written: (7133 days ago)

[P.o.e.m. . .T.o. . .A. . .H.o.r.s.e]

-Shakira

Too far
To bring you close
To high
To see below
Just hangin on your daily dose
And you never needed anyone
Butthe roling papers for your grass
How can you give what you don't have

You keep on aiming for the top
And quit before you sweat a drop
Feed your empty brain
With your hydroponic pot
Start out playing with yourself
You get more fun within your shell
Nice to meet you but I gotta go my way

I'll leave again `cause I've been waiting in vain
But you're so [in love with yourself]
If I say my heart is sore
Sounds like a cheap metaphor
So I won't repeat it no more

I rather eat my soup with a fork
Or drive a cab in New York
`Cause to talk to you is harder work

So what's the point of wasting all my words
Ifit's just the same or even worse
[Than reading poems to a horse]

You keep on aiming for the top
And quit before you sweat a drop
Feed your empty brain
With your hydroponic pot
Start out playing with yourself
You get more fun within your shell
Nice to meet you but I gotta go my way

I'll leave again `cause I've been waiting in vain
But you're so [in love with yourself]
If I say my heart is sore
Sounds like a cheap metaphor
So I won't repeat it no more

575845 Link to this entry
Written about Monday 2005-05-16
Written: (7133 days ago)

I <3 Ixxy

Letter number: 38836170
From: [Izzles] (•You•Are•My•Anti•Drug•)
To: [choke_on_dreams] ([x][+] Suck My Strap-On [+][x])
Sent mail 2005-05-16 15:42:46
Comment to: Diary entry 575812
Comment in 38837016

Hey mals.
Atko said there are plenty of places.
They got enough places for everyone who's doing history.
You just need to take in your money and they NEED the risk assessment form.
So yeah.
Take it to him tomorrow reg.
Ill come with you.
I have to take my blodge book to Firthy.

[xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx]

A song for my lover. One we can really connect with . XDxdXDxDxDxD

Uh-huh,
[Life's like this]
Uh-huh, uh-huh
[That's the way it is]
'Cause life's like this
[Uh-huh, uh-huh]
That's the way it is

[Chill out,]
What you yellin' for?
[Lay back, it's all been done before]
And if you could only let it be
[You will see...]

I like you the way you are
[When we're, driving in my car]
And you're talking to me
[One on one....]
But you become

[Somebody else......]
'Round everyone else
[Watchin' your back]
Like you can't relax
[You're tryin' to be cool]
You look like a fool
[To me.....]

Tell me

Why do you have to go and make things so [complicated?]
I see the way you're
Acting like you're somebody else gets me [frustrated......]
Life's like this, you
[And you fall and you crawl]
And you break and you take
[What you get and you turn it into]
Honesty Promise me I'm never gonna find you fake it

[No, no, no]

You come over unannounced
[Dressed up like you're something else]
Where you are and
[Where you sat, you see]
You're making me
[Laugh out........]
When you strike a pose
[Take off all your preppy clothes]
You know
[You're not fooling anyone]
When you become

[Somebody Else....]
'Round everyone else
[Watchin' your back]
Like you can't relax
[Tryin' to be cool]
You look like a fool
[To me....]

[Tell Me .......]

Why do you have to go and make things so [complicated?]
I see the way you're
Acting like you're somebody else gets me frustrated
Life's like this, you
And you fall and you crawl
And you break and you take
What you get and you turn it into
Honesty Promise me
I'm never gonna find you fake it

No, no, no...

Chill out,
What you yellin' for?
Lay back, it's all been done before
And if you could let it be
You will see

Somebody else
'Round everyone else
You're watchin' your back
Like you can't relax
You're tryin' to be cool
You look like a fool
To me, to me

Why do you have to go and make things so complicated?
I see the way you're
Acting like you're somebody else gets me frustrated
Life's like this, you
And you fall and you crawl
And you break and you take
What you get and you turn it into
Honesty Promise me I'm never gonna find you fake it

[No, no]

Why do you have to go and make things so complicated?
I see the way you're
Acting like you're somebody else gets me frustrated
Life's like this, you
And you fall and you crawl
And you break and you take
What you get and you turn it into
Honesty Promise me I'm never gonna find you fake it

575812 Link to this entry
Written about Monday 2005-05-16
Written: (7133 days ago)

Next in thread: 575826

oh my god.

Ive hurt my back seriously badly.

I cant move.

I think im going to Cry

575722 Link to this entry
Written about Monday 2005-05-16
Written: (7133 days ago)

Im sick today.

.gah.

Well I have to go to school tomorrow because we're doing drugs squad where Ill be teaching about the joys of xtc.!YaY!. Also I should seriously think about returning my fountains abby letter, I dont think im going to get a place. *cries*. BUT ive been ill, what do they expect me to do? Well I just woke up a little while ago and I havnt eaten just yet.

This turkish guy is pestering me to meet him. Ofcourse, I said "no" and hes like "but why?"....mmm I dont need this right now.

I have a severe cold (lol) but I really need to wash my hair tonight. So Im thinking im going to be rebellious and do it anyway. Its freezing in this house. My toesees are cold. But anyway. My room is a total mess, I should really think about cleaning it up eh? yeah. I know I know.

This guy wont leave me alone. He keeps asking why I wont meet him. My reply after like the 5th time :

Because I say so. I have no interest in meeting up with you whatsoever. The furthest this "relationship" can go, is to have conversations on elftown. And that is all. I feel no need to have to see you in person, although im sure your a great guy. Im sorry. Please stop asking me why, I dont need a reason. I just say so. .

Oh my gawd. And another one: "Hi how are you do you have msn".

[Hi im fine, I do have msn but im not adding you].

I swear, elftown is a breeding place for these kind of people.

blah.

Anyways. Its dismal outside. The rain is pattering on the window pane, the clouds are foamed across the sky. The trees are drooping, the grass it wet. Speckled with small raindrops.

Its beautiful.

I was talking to one of my old friends from primary school. She had a date with some boy and now he asked for a second date. She was freaking out.

Weird. For her, second dates seem to pose as a scary level of commitment.

strange.

I <3 commitment

Makes me feel safe.

I am ♥Commited♥.

But you knew that already.

575411 Link to this entry
Written about Sunday 2005-05-15
Written: (7134 days ago)

[♥If I love you. Can I keep you?♥]

x .♥From the bottom of My Broken Heart♥. x

♥•♥•♥:::::♥Nicholas♥::::::♥•♥•♥

♥I♥love♥you♥to♥[x.death.x]♥

575311 Link to this entry
Written about Sunday 2005-05-15
Written: (7134 days ago)

::::::Buy more thongs::::::

You can do it.

Put Your Back into It.

I can do it.

Put your ass into it.

Your jealous of my shit

575309 Link to this entry
Written about Sunday 2005-05-15
Written: (7134 days ago)

Kiss me out of the bearded barley
Nightly, beside the green, green grass
Swing, swing, swing the spinning step
You wear those shoes and I will wear that dress.

Oh, kiss me beneath the milky twilight
Lead me out on the moonlit floor
Lift your open hand
Strike up the band and make the fireflies dance
Silver moon's sparkling
So kiss me

Kiss me down by the broken tree house
Swing me upon its hanging tire
Bring, bring, bring your flowered hat
We'll take the trail marked on your father's map

575302 Link to this entry
Written about Sunday 2005-05-15
Written: (7134 days ago)

Maybe its intuition.
But somethings you just dont question.
I love you Nicholas

575285 Link to this entry
Written about Sunday 2005-05-15
Written: (7134 days ago)

I think I am going to S c r e a m.

Everything I create, somebody fucking destroys it. Its happened so many times in this fucking life.

Even if its a small thing, my fucking father (usually is him) destroys it.

I was drawing a picture on paint. okay so its not a big deal. but im kinda, "good" at drawing on paint, and like ,i spent a long tme drawing this one thing.

I get off the computer for my dad to use it for a moment.

I come back.

and hes deleted it.

another time, i was sending this HUGE file to my friend.

He comes on.

closes it.

I think im going ot S c r e a m

575283 Link to this entry
Written about Sunday 2005-05-15
Written: (7134 days ago)

Me: I enrolled you onto a website :D
Vag: *silence* *Sternly* What ?
Me: cannibals annoymous
Vag: mally. please PLEASE tell me your joking
Me: no :)

574691 Link to this entry
Written about Saturday 2005-05-14
Written: (7135 days ago)

http://www.mayhem.net/Crime/cannibals1.html

strange.

just read some of it.

574680 Link to this entry
Written about Saturday 2005-05-14
Written: (7135 days ago)

My brother is fucking hillarious:

([Our indepth discussion about cannabals])

Brother: So like can they do anything special?
Me: anything special?
brother: like do they have special powers
me: who? cannibals?
brother: yeah. like can they climb up trees really fast
me: *LMFAO* lolololololol "can they climb up trees really fast" lol. no they're just normal people who eat...people.
brother: no but i mean, about the trees thing..like (we are tlaking about the scene in hannible when he throws that dewd out of the blacony with his intestines hangingout)...how did hannible get up to the top of the building if he cant climb trees really fast?
me: lmfao....there is such thing as stairs you know.
brother: oh are they allowed to climb up stairs?
me: omg lol YES. they can climb up stairs.
brother: so like, they eat other people
me: yewp thats what they do
brother: why?
me: i dunu, OOH if HUMANS ARENT meant to be eaten WHY ARE WE MADE OF MEAT!
brother: because thats the only product available at the supermarkets.

HAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA. I <3 MAH BRO

Me: *points at picture of mary kate and ashlee* whos prettier
brother: well they kinda look the same to me

574571 Link to this entry
Written about Saturday 2005-05-14
Written: (7135 days ago)

My conversation with Mark:

Mark: i wnt boxxing lst nyte
me: oh nice! did you kill anybody?
Mark: no onli ad 2 fytes
Me: you had two fights and you didnt kill anybody? oh man. You suck.
Mark: well 3 but 1 wlked away.
Me: oh go you. okay Mark you need to start spelling your words correctly.
mark: lol
Me: its not a laughing matter.
mark: wot u up 2 2nyte
Me: wtf.
mark: I fort u wer cewt
me: what
mark: sweet innocent mali
me: as apposed to what? oh gosh no, im harcore mon.
mark: u broke mah heart
Me: I did what?! When :S?!

574556 Link to this entry
Written about Saturday 2005-05-14
Written: (7135 days ago)

.poop.

Ive become insanly addicted to this online dairy thing.
I enjoy writing.
Therefore I write.
Its simple really.

I also like to write in...
.short.
.quick.
.abrupt.
.sentances.
Its more dramatic.

I write about things.
That are unUsual.
Somethings people wouldnt normally write about.
weird.
eh?

.I <3 the ".".
.Teh fullstop.
.Just placing it randomly on sentances.
.Makes me happy.

x .Looks sexy too. x

I also write in different

sizes

Big

or small.

Bold or italic.

Maybe even underlined.

.Rebellious. I know.

I write with spaces.

Inbetween each line of text.

^^such as^^

Breaks down large clumps of writing.

Makes it easier to read.

My eyes go fuzzy.

And its boring to read

a large block of black text.

[So i incooperate colour....]

Its boring to read about exterordinary things.

trust me.

its all the same to me.

Its the small things,

the mundane things

that really interest me.

I dont care if you managed to anally screw the president of the united states.

Partly because I hate him.

But sure. it would be pretty funny.

Actually, if you did that. tell me.

I want to know all about that.

I would rather read about a little girls plight to reach the swings at a park

with out dropping her ice lolly.

Im just like that.

Odd I know.

Its good shit.

I have my own way of spelling words.

i dun tipe lik dis tho.

tis fuckin anoyin.

I can read.

I can write.

I am literate.

I do have an education.

hehe.

I like to add "w"'s into words.

eg:

hawt
kewl
kewt
sewn

also:

kyoot.
shexay

more later.

.I like you.

.Already.

x .Thank you. x

. x . Youve already given me so much . x .

574555 Link to this entry
Written about Saturday 2005-05-14
Written: (7135 days ago)

     You are special....
                       You matter to me...
                           Im thinking of you...
                              I love you.................
                                More than anything......

574442 Link to this entry
Written about Saturday 2005-05-14
Written: (7135 days ago)

oh wow.

One of my Friends invited me to joing HI5 maybe a year back or so.

I thought it was Stupid.

Infact I Still do.

I never uploaded a picture of myself on it and i never got any msgs etc.....

f i n a l l y today I decided to do it.

I >uploaded< a picture and did my profile ect.

I left the computer for maybe 30 minutes

and when i got back....

I had 15 emails

I was like w.t.f.

It was All from hi5.

All these random people had added me.

made testimonials for me.

:S

and like msgsed me.

it was Weird?

I like declined all of them. lol. strange.

574432 Link to this entry
Written about Saturday 2005-05-14
Written: (7135 days ago)

oww I had to cancel my sleepover because im a s i c k b u n n y.

Which by the way I am not happy about.

I had the strangest dream.

My mom bought me like so much weed.

And i was like jesus christ woman.

I heart you like no other

.

-----The end-----

odd eh?

My aunts coming over today :D which is a good thing because we get on really good.

gotta catch up :D:D:D:D

omg she asked me if i could get weed for her and my uncle and if I would s m o k e it with them.

I was like "I think I love you"

how strange

But I am So lucky! lol. I mean how many people have aunts like that.

Not many eh.

lol.

She was saying how she wants to make a giant bong in the bathtub. haha. Ide do it....

Anyway Im going out with meine mutter sewn...

-->>Some german there<<--

I havnt eaten yet.

I probably should

I Dont feel like going out At all.

Oh well.

Lifes a bitch

[I love you all.....]

The logged in version