[choke_on_dreams]'s diary

581322 Link to this entry
Written about Monday 2005-05-23
Written: (6999 days ago)

[OMG SO FUNNEH]

We've all been there but don't like to admit it. We've all kicked back in our cubicles and suddenly felt something brewing down below. As much as we try to convince ourselves otherwise, the WORK POOP is inevitable.

For those who hate pooping at work, following is the Survival Guide for taking a dump at work.

CROP DUSTING When farting, you walk briskly around the office so the smell is not in your area and everyone else gets a whiff but doesn't know where it came from. Be careful when you do this. Do not stop until the full fart has been expelled. Walk an extra 30 feet to make sure the smell has left your pants.

FLY BY The act of scouting out a bathroom before pooping. Walk in and check for other poopers. If there are others in the bathroom, leave and come back again. Be careful not to become a FREQUENT FLYER. People may become suspicious if they catch you constantly going into the bathroom.

ESCAPEE A fart that slips out while taking a leak at the urinal or forcing a poop in a stall. This is usually accompanied by a sudden wave of embarrassment. If you release an escapee, do not acknowledge it. Pretend it did not happen. If you are standing next to the farter in the urinal, pretend you did not hear it. No one likes an escapee. It is uncomfortable for all involved. Making a joke or laughing makes both parties feel uneasy.

JAILBREAK When forcing a poop, several farts slip out at a machine gun pace. This is usually a side effect of diarrhea or a hangover. If this should happen, do not panic. Remain in the stall until everyone has left the bathroom to spare everyone the awkwardness of what just occurred.

COURTESY FLUSH The act of flushing the toilet the instant the poop hits the water. This reduces the amount of air time the poop has to stink up the bathroom. This can help you avoid being caught doing the WALK OF SHAME.

WALK OF SHAME Walking from the stall, to the sink, to the door after you have just stunk up the bathroom. This can be a very uncomfortable moment if someone walks in and busts you. As with farts, it is best to pretend that the smell does not exist. Can be avoided with the use of the COURTESY FLUSH.

OUT OF THE CLOSET POOPER A colleague who poops at work and is damn proud of it. You will often see an Out Of The Closet Pooper enter the bathroom with a newspaper or magazine under his or her arm. Always look around the office for the Out Of The Closet Pooper before entering the bathroom.

THE POOPING FRIENDS NETWORK (P.F.N) A group of co-workers who band together to ensure emergency pooping goes off without incident. This group can help you to monitor the whereabouts of Out Of The Closet Poopers, and identify SAFE HAVENS.

SAFE HAVENS A seldom used bathroom somewhere in the building where you can least expect visitors. Try floors that are predominantly of the opposite sex. This will reduce the odds of a pooper of your sex entering the bathroom.

TURD BURGLAR Someone who does not realize that you are in the stall and tries to force the door open. This is one of the most shocking and vulnerable moments that can occur when taking a poop at work. If this occurs, remain in the stall until the Turd Burglar leaves. This way you will avoid all uncomfortable eye contact.

CAMO-COUGH A phony cough that alerts all new entrants into the bathroom that you are in a stall. This can be used to cover-up a WATERMELON, or to alert potential Turd Burglars. Very effective when used in conjunction with an ASTAIRE.

ASTAIRE A subtle toe-tap that is used to alert potential Turd Burglars that you are occupying a stall. This will remove all doubt that the stall is occupied. If you hear an Astaire, leave the bathroom immediately so the pooper can poop in peace.

WATERMELON A poop that creates a loud splash when hitting the toilet water. This is also an embarrassing incident. If you feel a Watermelon coming on, create a diversion. See CAMO-COUGH.

HAVANA OMELET A case of diarrhea that creates a series of loud splashes in the toilet water. Often accompanied by an Escapee. Try using a Camo-Cough with an Astaire.

UNCLE TED A bathroom user who seems to linger around forever. Could spend extended lengths of time in front of the mirror or sitting on the pot. An Uncle Ted makes it difficult to relax while on the crapper, as you should always wait to poop when the bathroom is empty. This benefits you as well as the other bathroom attendees.

581321 Link to this entry
Written about Monday 2005-05-23
Written: (6999 days ago)

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the hell happened to your bra.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you are whispering when you are not.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like a retard.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell your friends over and over again that you love them.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to think you can sing.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that ex-lovers are really dying for you to telephone them at four in the morning.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you can logically converse with members of the opposite sex without spitting.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you have mystical Kung Fu powers, resulting in you getting your ass kicked.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to roll over in the morning and see something really scary.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol is the leading cause of inexplicable rug burns on the forehead/knees.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher, smarter, faster and better looking than most people.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe you are invisible.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are laughing WITH you.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause a disturbance in the time-space continuum, whereby gaps of time may seem to literally disappear.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause pregnancy.

581317 Link to this entry
Written about Monday 2005-05-23
Written: (6999 days ago)

::::::::::IAN::::::::

Cover your stump before you hump

Before You Attack Her, Wrap Your Whacker.

Don't Be Silly, Protect Your Willy.

When In Doubt, Shroud Your Spout.

Don't Be A Loner, Cover Your Boner.

You Can't Go Wrong If You Shield Your Dong.

If You're Not Goin To Sack It, Go Home And Whack It.

If You Think She's Spunky Cover Your Monkey.

If You Slip Between Her Thighs, Be Sure To Condomize.

It Will Be Sweeter If You Wrap Your Peter.

She Won't Get Sick If You Wrap Your Dick.

If You Go Into Heat, Package Your Meat.

While Your Undressing Venus, Dress Up Your Penis.

When You Take Off Her Pants And Blouse, Slip Up
Your Trouser Mouse.

Especially In December, Gift Wrap Your Member.

Never, Never Deck Her With An Unwrapped Pecker.

Dont Be A Fool, Vulcanize Your Tool.

The Right Selection Will Protect Your Erection.

Wrap It In Foil Before Checking Her Oil.

No Glove, No Love!

A Crank With Armor Will Never Harm Her.

581314 Link to this entry
Written about Monday 2005-05-23
Written: (6999 days ago)

Rules about dieting

1/ If you eat something, and no one sees you eat it, it has no calories. your okay.

2/ If you drink pop with a chocolate bar (aka-twirl) all the calories in the chocolate are cancelled out by the pop. So really, your okay.

3/ If your eating with someone else, calories dont count, just make sure they eat a little more than you.

4/ Foods used for medicinal purposes never count. For example: Hot chocolate (you may have a sore throat), Brandy (apparantly when you have a hang over, the best thing to do is have a little bit more alcohol), toast (yeah it just doesnt count) and some Sara Lee Cheesecake (this is cheesecake we're talking about.)

4/ If you make the people around you look fat, you look thinner.

5/ Movie related foods, such as Milk Duds, buttered popcorn, Junior Mints, Red Hots, and Tootsie Rolls, do not have additional calories because they are part of the entire entertainment package and not part of your's personal fuel.

6/ Cooky pieces contain no calories. The process of breaking causes calorie leakage.

7/ Things licked off of knives and spoons have no calories if you are in the process of preparing something. Example: peanut butter on a knife making a sandwich, and ice cream on a spoon making a sundae. So therefore, scooping fatty substances out from a bole of haagen das, (however you spell it) and eating it from a utensil (or a finger) does not count.

8/ Foods that have the same color have the same number of calories. Examples are spinach and pistachio ice cream, and mushrooms and white chocolate. NOTE: Chocolate is a universal color and may be substituted for any other food color.

.yay.

581310 Link to this entry
Written about Monday 2005-05-23
Written: (6999 days ago)

I was carefully observing my brother sorting out his laundery and his clothes. It was quite interesting. He was putting them into piles. They were like all worn and filthy. I said "what are you doing? how are you sorting them out, they are all like, dirty"

and he said:

You need two piles:

-Dirty

-Dirty but wearable.

so I said "uh. okay. what do you do with the just dirty ones"

"I keep them at the back of the drawers until they become dirty but wearable"

I dont understand him.

haha. Its funny though, my mom forces him to be clean. It kills him.

581309 Link to this entry
Written about Monday 2005-05-23
Written: (6999 days ago)

So anyway. Who actually reads this motherfucker?

msg me :)

Ide like to start a fanclub.

A tribute to my dairies undenyable coolness.

581306 Link to this entry
Written about Monday 2005-05-23
Written: (6999 days ago)

1. Mistakes make you who you are.

2. Perfection is customizable.

3. Nobody really cares.

4. Everybody cares.

5. Everybody Judges you

6. But you Dont have to listen to them.

7. Disappointment in oneself only stems from the knowledge that we CAN do better

8. Every day you achieve some thing more.

9. Dont look back in anger. Dont look back in regrets.

10. The world will not stop for you.

11. Love is precious.

581303 Link to this entry
Written about Monday 2005-05-23
Written: (6999 days ago)

Love

What a missused word.

Used to Freely.

Its not just a word.

Its an emotion you share with that special person.

Not just anybody.

Why dont you understand that.

It hurts.

581300 Link to this entry
Written about Monday 2005-05-23
Written: (6999 days ago)

I just ate milk and cookies....

I feel sick :S

I was watching "celebraties uncensored"

Which just means I have no life ; therefore spend my time living vicariously through celebraties. As I mentioned previously.

Tomorrow is going to be unbelievably boring. Ian, David, Vag and Harriet are like on "Study leave" before their german exams.

So thats R.E AND HISOTRY.

So that sucks.

Hehehe, oh well I have mark lmfao.

AND MATT.

for serious.

I dont know How im going to cope without jumping on Ian a couple of times tomorrow. It will be just too difficult.

581280 Link to this entry
Written about Monday 2005-05-23
Written: (6999 days ago)

I was c u r l i n g my hair.

But it got too time consuming.

And boring.

So I stopped.

Now I have poofy fucked up, not curly, not straight, not wavy, hair.

581279 Link to this entry
Written about Monday 2005-05-23
Written: (6999 days ago)

James thought it was funny that I was in the Drugs squad, however Smoked weed.

Ironic

But fuck you anyway. You will get over it.

581226 Link to this entry
Written about Monday 2005-05-23
Written: (6999 days ago)

Matt really really hurt my elbow today. I was just standing there, talking to Somebody when he came and grabbed be from behind (brutally) and like swung me around by my elbows.

It hurt oh so much .

He offered to lick it better.

I am a subcultural Goth

Haha.

If I knew what that meant, Im sure it would be less funny.

Luckily. I dont. So its pretty fucking funny.

I played Bay blades With Dec, Joe and Tom and [Vaggggg] today- at lunch.

Joe got anialated.

He got killed By Declans beast.

581219 Link to this entry
Written about Monday 2005-05-23
Written: (6999 days ago)

[Oh My God. Im going To Die Next Monday.]

581215 Link to this entry
Written about Monday 2005-05-23
Written: (6999 days ago)

Your period will begin in.....

3

2

1

.Hello Would you please refrain from bleeding all over my Diary. Take a mop and wipe it up. The Mr. Muscle Is in the cupboard to your left. Oh and for Christs sake get the hell out of here.

.Thank you. Good bye

581214 Link to this entry
Written about Monday 2005-05-23
Written: (6999 days ago)

.Drink and Smoke all you want. Your going to get hit by a bus.And Die.

581178 Link to this entry
Written about Monday 2005-05-23
Written: (6999 days ago)

[In media. Everybodies silent while watching a film....]

Becky: *whispers* Want to see my knickers?
Me: Sure

[Ever so seriously in Biology.....]
James: Are you Pregnant?
Me: Yes James I asexually Reproduced offspring.
James: *turns away*

[David and I on the bussss]

David: a b c d e f g oh my god i forgot my alphabet *laughs REALLY HARD*
Me: *stare*
David: Why dont you ever laugh ?
Me: Oh I do, your just really not funny

[Vag in maths]

Me: *says something gross*
Vag: *silence* You are repulsive.

[Matt and IIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII - talking about his new chinease girlfriend lol - let me remind you that this innocent little girl came on an exchange to england to experiance english culture. right.]

Me: Aw so who asked who out?
Matt: she asked me out kinda.
Me: how how how
Matt: well it was on msn. she just said "I dont have a boyfriend. Do you want to try"
Me and matt: *OMGLMFAO*

[Later that day...i was walking along hte corridor, linking arms with him and shouting...]....

Me: HES GOT A GIRLFRIEND
Matt: AND ITS NOT HER.

580479 Link to this entry
Written about Monday 2005-05-23
Written: (7000 days ago)

Its 1:38.

Just almost finished cleaning mah room. Im impressed. The cleaning ladies are coming tomorrow, and my mother insists I clean it. Ive tried reasoning with her. infact, we've had that conversation manyer times before. It gets us nowhere. So what the hell ever.

She was Extreamly pissed off at me because :

It was 12 O clock

I hadnt washed my hair yet.

I hadnt cleaned my room yet.

I hadnt Done my Homework yet.

I hadnt Eaten Yet.

So it sounds bad but, its just my way of doing things. I might take a much longer time comparativly, but I do things. And Im satisfied at the end of it too.

I told her to give me space, and time to do what I need to do, How and When I need to do it.

I promise I WILL do things.

And It WILL make her happy.

But just let me do it MY way.

She said no and ordered I clean my room NOW.

heh.

Well thats life eh.

Well my rooms still not entirely finished yet.

I have no idea what homework is in for tomorrow....

But Ill get away with it.

I just found out that my form tutor is bisexual.

And Im hungry.

580223 Link to this entry
Written about Sunday 2005-05-22
Written: (7000 days ago)

You Should Have Seen The Curse That Flew Right By You

580196 Link to this entry
Written about Sunday 2005-05-22
Written: (7000 days ago)

Conversation with matt:

Me =
([Im in the pink....])

hey fuck face, wanna fuck my face?

[hello matt......]

[oh you have hawt orgasm girl as your picture again ]

defo.....hows u n nicholad?

or las woteva lol

[lmfao nicholad is fine thanks ]

[*hug*]

[oh "u n nicholad" WE are fine you poopy]

great...i think im goin out wit eva

[who? ...... ]

chinese girl

[oommmgosh really. ]

uhuh

[the chick from the CHINEASE EXCHANGE. MATT!]

ther was more than 1, but lolo's partner called eva i think im now off out wit

[I was wondering how long it would take for you to get in one of their hawt chinease pants]

well i cant really get in ther can i?>

[lol you make me giggle]

n u make me sick so wot

lol only jokin

[uh. ]

[yay (!)]

hmmm

[oh matt you male whore]

the name is JIGGALOW

[a male whore?]

uhuh

well male prostitute

[okay. oh matt you JIGGALOW

sounds like a clown or something

who does a weird dance]

well thats kinda wot they do anyway

lol its my occupation on my profile i think

hmm u think i look like gordan ramsey?

[I DONT EVEN KNOW WHO HE IS, YOUR PICTURES CUTE THOUGH

I BET GORDON RAMSEYS CUTE!

HAH]

oh well lol no then...he is the chief that cooks thins hells kitchen...

[the chef? or a chief like a indian tribal guy wearing a leaf over his penis?]

[lmfao.........

you CHIEF!]

i was a chief tho

*SENDS PICTURE OF HIMSELF DRESSED AS A CHIEF*

[oh matt. lol. i cant believe this]

580155 Link to this entry
Written about Sunday 2005-05-22
Written: (7000 days ago)

When I was in Year 7 (I think) I asked some people to tell me my unique Selling point:

"You are Very Sincear and chatty and friendly"

   -Nick Gray

"Your weird"

   -Mom

"Enthusiastic"

   -Andrew Vaughen

"You can Make Boys Cry"

   -Nathan Driver

580152 Link to this entry
Written about Sunday 2005-05-22
Written: (7000 days ago)

 -x- Princess -x-

The logged in version