[choke_on_dreams]'s diary
Somtimes things arent fair.
It isnt fair that Nicholas isnt here with me now.
Oh
What Ide give for just
One Kiss.
One word.
One anything.
Anything at all.
One second.
Just one touch.
Thats all I ask for.
For now.
x </3 x
Yes its hard to be away from the one you love.
Written about Wednesday 2005-07-13
Written: (7073 days ago)
matt: k well i gotta go, see ya around angel.
awwww
I feel like a much needed
rant about
Nicholas
you know when you just feel like talking about him
for ever and ever and ever?
yes.
that
exactly.
im lucky becuase ive met alot of really cool amazing
people recently
who are just tehre for me to talk to
x i appreciate that x
me: are you smiling?
rob: no why?
me: I think you are
rob: I am now
*silence*
me: Are you thinking about raping and pillaging an army of sheep?
rob: no not at all. that was like the farthest thing from my mind
me: but it WAS ON your mind though
rob: pfft im strange
*silence*
me: rob. stop thinking it.
rob: oh sorry. my appologies.
Vag: how are you
Me: okay you? media help
Vag: shouldn’t that have been : “okay…you help me with media?”
Me: you know me so well
rob: I like doing other things though
me: mmm I know what you mean...
*Silence*
rob: im reading about some sheep jumping of cliffs
me: and is this what you mean by "I like doing other things"?
I do
on the computer desk:
- kipling cakes. one left.
- twix wrapper.
- empty plate where i had my cheese toastie
- scissors
- a britney spears album
- my [A FUCKING PLUS] english essay
- 8 mile dvd
- orange colouring in pencil
- a broken pen
- a poetry society booklet
- cheats for ps2 books
- a few batteries that dont work
- a broken clalculator
- my head phones
- Glue
- A painting
- a cd
- painkillers
- some paper
- a torch
- a little star bead that fell out of my belt.:(
- a plastic bag
- two novels
- a spring that i broke from my shower
- a light bulb.
and they say this isnt a good working environment?
Imma go overdose on my painkillers and sniff my glue now. goodbye.
He says he misses me too
And I know he does :)
Sometimes its just hard to deal with though because
we're just so far away from eachother.
Even if he was on the otherside of england
it wouldnt be AS bad.
wait.
maybe it would.
no it wouldnt.
because england is england.
its the same goddamn country.
Its just so hard sometimes :(
I dont know what to do with my feelings.
I cant help but feel alone sometimes.
I dont mean to
k.
this is not really good.
I spoke to him today.
Twice actually.
But I Still miss him :(
Whats wrong with me ? <3
um.
this is kinda embarrasing
I guess.
Well, I have this sort of
!T!H!I!N!G!
kind of [Obbsessive].
This weird repetitive thing I do sometimes
Because I can
And because I like it
I like it so much that it feels
wrong not doing it.
Its one of my many little
“Obsessions”
I like to [Click my mouse]
Lots.
And lots.
And lots.
And lots.
Again.
And again.
And again.
And again.
I type something to someone on
msn
I instantly close the window.
Straight away.
Pronto.
Then go to the desktop
And click
Like a
madman.
And then they Reply
I close the window.
Click a little.
Go on msn.
Click on them.
Click a few times.
write their message
And close it
And the process begins
All over again.
Well *blushes*
I was talking to Nicholas
For a long time
And at the end of the conversation.
I just
Well.
Went to the top of the conversation window
For the sake of it
And.
It went all the way back to the [“Hellos”]
WHICH MEANS
I didn’t
close
The window.
not once
The entire time
I was so happy.
*Blush*
I was so proud
I COULDN’T BELIEVE IT.
I re read the conversation
again and again
Just to make sure
I wasn’t fooling myself.
And I wasn’t :$
im so happy
I told him
And he said he was proud of me.
mmmm.
I feel so good.
Aragh.
Need to go on to the desktop
And click some more
In happiness.
[ I <3 flirting with nicholas] :P
me: oh did you hear about those terrorist bombings in london?
nick: Oh yeah I did. Im so glad you werent there
me: hehe. yeah. Did you see that on the news?
nick: yewp
me: what so they like have news about like other global issues apart from canada and america?
nick: yeah!
me: oh really. LIKE WHAT?
nick: I dont know! I dont watch it!
me: you dont watch the news?!!
nick: well yeah I do but not today or anything
me: then how did you know about the bombings
nick: it was on the news!
me: so you DID watch it?
nick: yeah but I only glanced on it and it just happened to be that story.
me: omg. So even though it was about the country that YOUR GIRLFRIEND was in, you just "glanced" at it!
nick: aaah i watched it for like five minutes
me: wtf. so a glace is five minutes!? omg nicholas next time we're arguing about you checking out some other girl and you say taht you just "glanced" at her, imma know exactly what you mean mr.
nick: OMG MALLY. ERASE THAT FROM YOUR MEMORY
me: nope. its quoted. Its staying.
[lykedude.hes playing MIND GAMES WITH ME. lyke WOAH]
[mally is saying goodbye]
nick: oww baby but I miss you so much :(
me: aww sweetie, your making this harder than it already is
nick: Well Yeah I am pretty hard
me: GOODBYE NICK.
[mally is an expressive] guitarist has a versatile voice and is a [striking songwriter]
[mally is able to integrate] his thorough knowledge of anatomy and physiology with[the practice of massage]
[mally is such a video] - I say PORN
mally [is not directly measured or statistically estimat]
mally is [trusted by]
mally is wrapping sunders leg
mally is the acuvue® 2 colours™ color expert
mally is the owner of art from the soul
mally is a [god amongst men] when it comes to his knowledge of the [fairer sex]
mally is determined to keep [looking for the killer] on his own
mally is having [a ball]
mally is from minnesota and i am from michigan
mally is the disgusting by
mally is particularly proud of developing work standards for a ?10
mally is heavier boned [HEY ASSHOLE!]
[mally is a beautiful name]
mally is quite right that these two propositions are not equivalent according to the ordinary use of the word "ought
[mally is actually made out of squishy lead] lmfao
mally is a black female
[mally is a prolific poet] with many publications over the years
mally is
[mally is one of the smaller mysteries] OMG YES. THIS IS GOING ON MY HOUSE
mally is leaving
mally is on the [trail of the thieves]
[mally is swank"] SOS THIS
[mally is defended by barty's own silent admission of love for her] - note: going on my house but change "barty" for nick.
[mally is a botanical artist] and co
mally is a year old married
[mally is concerned more with traditional logic] than with modern logic
[mally is angel?s] partner
mally is happy to report that funding for his group hasn't dropped off as much as gmhc's
mally is an integral part of your ministry
mally is certified as a diplomate with the american board of internal medicine and is a member of the medical staffs of st
mally is generally regarded as [a trend setting pioneer whose innovative methods have been used successfully for several years]
mally is the daughter of marny
mally is rag a muffins fluffy little sister
[mally is an 18" floppy panda made from a stone and brown english mohair with wool felt paw pads] going on house
[mally is a priest]
mally is sponsoring
[mally is of low frequency] this too</n>
mally is [on the right track]
[mally is a young woman caught in a home life that anyone would dread being a part of] <b>same
mally is a syracuse
[mally is an ex new york city policeman with a grudge against vince bellazoni]
[mally is obviously an upright member of the community whose morals cannot be brought into question]
[mally is voiced by the person who did baloo in the classic jungle book] lmfao yes this too. everything pink ggoes on my house
mally is on building place and tocha is an inspector in bus communication company
[mally is known]
[mally owns] so fuckin true
mally is a detective with the syracuse police who promises the mother of two missing children that he will find them alive and bring them home
mally is directed by coventry's kathi leahy
[mally is a different dimension than when you get it out of the box]
mally is co
mally is related to enstrophy
[mally is a little bit too intrigued by boys who seem to have mysterious pasts]
[mally is to good to be true]
mally is given
[mally is required for admission]
[mally is not out of her mind]
mally is jason and marcus's teacher
mally is the largest
mally is ird's director of operations and project manager for indonesia projects
mally is your personnel ifficer
[mally is my best friend in life]
[mally is not optional]
mally is minimal
[mally is the target of just about everyone and]
[mally is funny]
mally is on her way right now with soup for me
mally is a graduate of both bastyr university
mally is written entirely in c without the use of rtl constructs
[mally is standing at the podium]
mally is sitting at a chair
[mally is already here?]
mally is the elder statesmen on this young team and she helps push the younger runners such as newcomer kellie magaw
mally is diluted to the volume needed for makeup
mally is? nathan no
mally is just inbounds past the top of the key
[mally is responsible for the language it contains]
mally is doing just fine taking care of her father and her sister
www.googlism.c
[ I <3 flirting with nicholas] :P
me: oh did you hear about those terrorist bombings in london?
nick: Oh yeah I did. Im so glad you werent there
me: hehe. yeah. Did you see that on the news?
nick: yewp
me: what so they like have news about like other global issues apart from canada and america?
nick: yeah!
me: oh really. LIKE WHAT?
nick: I dont know! I dont watch it!
me: you dont watch the news?!!
nick: well yeah I do but not today or anything
me: then how did you know about the bombings
nick: it was on the news!
me: so you DID watch it?
nick: yeah but I only glanced on it and it just happened to be that story.
me: omg. So even though it was about the country that YOUR GIRLFRIEND was in, you just "glanced" at it!
nick: aaah i watched it for like five minutes
me: wtf. so a glace is five minutes!? omg nicholas next time we're arguing about you checking out some other girl and you say taht you just "glanced" at her, imma know exactly what you mean mr.
nick: OMG MALLY. ERASE THAT FROM YOUR MEMORY
me: nope. its quoted. Its staying.
[mally is saying goodbye]
nick: oww baby but I miss you so much :(
me: aww sweetie, your making this harder than it already is
nick: Well Yeah I am pretty hard
me: GOODBYE NICK.
[.F o r N i c h o l a s.]
I slept in.
late.
I could tell that mom was
purposly taking her
own
sweet
time.
Which btw
is
fucking
[.I m m a t u r e.]
It was hot again.
"Bloody English Weather"
Im such a hypocrit
I complain when its
[T O O C O L D]
and then Again
when its
[T O O F U C K I N G H A W T]
I helped put up the
gisibo (-Dont know how to spell it)
today.
Infact
We did two
Because we were having a party for
those
leaving day care
and transfering into
big school.
So that was fun.
A new [s k i l l .]
Ide say.
My hands are fucked
Because I had a couple of hundered
rounds of
Rock
paper
Scissors
Tree
With the guys
and they went crazy
and my wrists are
Screwed
completely.
Jack is OH-SOSWEET
He was gentle when he punched my wrists in
afrad that
"[My skeleton will fall out]"
which was Sweet.
At the end, Charley
the disabled boy
Asked me to carry him
and he lay in my arms
saying
"[awwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww]"
and "{{big hug}}"
I moff work early
CUZ
mommys going to see my brother in a play
and some complications
result in
me coming home early
So i couldnt
[E N J O Y ]
All the party.
Thought I was late, and rushed across the street.
But it was okay.
[.m.o.m. .w.a.s. .l.a.t.e. .a.n.y.w.a.y.]
me: *ranting*
nick: shut up your mouth
Dear diary,
Today was pretty tiring. It was just so fucking hot, and I cant concentrate. I woke up with my eyes puffy and I just wanted to go and die. It was horrible. I walked up to mom and said "Mom I dont want to go to work today" and she said "why not?" and so i replied "I just dont want to " and she was like "Well you have to go" and there was a long pause and I said "Mom, I dont want to go to work today".
That argument didnt get very far.
I arrived at work kinda late.
I really feel like im getting through to Jack. Hes taking a much greater intrest in reading and sitting still for long time periods :) He gave me a hug today. He seems much more mature for his age, and understands basic concepts much faster. After spending so much time with these kids, I dont really want to leave. At the same time, I never imagined how difficult it is to work in childcare. I think that this experiance just proved to me how much I Could not ever, ever , Ever work in childcare. But it was fun. Oh so fun. I really want to see them when they'r older. Especially James and Jack, and lauren and Mary-anne. Whos going to be SO Hawt when they are older. I taught Todd to write oroperly today (he writes backwards- perfectly). I tried teaching Elliot, Jack, Todd and some other kids "Rock Paper Scissors". It was difficult at first because Jack insisted that it should be "Rock paper scissirs Tree". For some reason. I was like "No Jacko :) there is NO tree"
and hes like b-b-b-b-but I want a tree.
Okay fine. we can have a tree.
It was crazy, but then i gradually weened them all out of choosing a tree.
And then they would all choose the same thing that I picked.
"Rock"
"Rock"
"rock"
"Rock"
Then they started understanding the concept a little better, and then waited till I chose, then chose the thing that would instantly destroy me (apart from a tree which aparantly defeats them all).
And when they destroyed me, boy did they love it. They would practically beat the shit out of my hand.
I havae bruises and scratches everywhere.
I think my pointy finger is broken.
ouch.
But it was a learning experiance.
Then we tried playing wink murder.
Failed.
I realised, that with little children, you have to Show them how to do something as apposed to Tell them. I spent about 10 minutes explaining the concept of the game. and they were nodding inteligently so i was like "my gosh i think they got it" but we started playing and. oh man.
The [.Detective.] Walked in and [.Murdered some one.] and was like "Umm I think you killed him"
and im like
"no hunny, you did" arhg lol.
So we played a little longer, and it was gradually coming to them, but we had to stop (milk time) but im sure that if we could continue they would have got it.
Then we tired I spy.
that was crazy.
Jack: I spy with my little eye something begiining with...um C!
me: ummm...give me a clue
jack: its what caterpillers turn into.
me: uh. butterfly?
jack: YES!
me: oh lol.
So the "Something begining with..." part doesnt actually mean anything whatsoever.
Drink time is fun :) I had a cup of juice.
I did a few paintings today but we didnt have any play dough out :(
Lauren, is so cute. i was watching her today.
She takes some paper, and draws like a line on it, and then asks me to fold it up and put it in an envelope. she then repetes this process 1235 times. lmfao. and then she walks around guarding her "invitations" with her life, in her little hands. She hands them to her mom at the end :)
James is pr0 at the construction kit. really - talented.
Mary-anne loves dressing up as a princess. she told me she loved me today.
They all ask me at the end of the day if ill be back tomomrrow.
that makes me feel good.
Charley, whos mentally disabled, but omg hes so cute.
hes going to be SO SO SO HOT when hes older.
a little stud.
I carried him today and he kissed me. and jsut hugged me for so long.
It was so special:)
Jack and I always read together every day for a long time. He wants to read the dinosour and the lamb book over and over and over and over and over and over and over again. Analysing EACH lamb fur and EACH dinosour and all the different routes you could take to slide down the dinosours back. Its so tiring because we do that every day.
And then when its quiet time, its like a fucking stampede. they all uhuddle around my feet and hug me and pull me and jump on me and climb on to me for me to carry them and are like "PLEASE CAN MALLY COME AND SIT WITH US IN THE QUIET CORNER. MALLY SIT WITH ME, SIT WITH ME PLEASE"
its really sweet.
but. kinda. painfull. lol
Today I helped get their profiles and reports done :)
Its so nice to look through all their work and how they goot through this year.
Next year many of them are starting year one, real school.
Its going to be really differnt for them. I almost forgot how young you are as you get into year one. I hope theyr okay. IM SURE theyll do fine :) Im not sure how theyr gonna cope from making snad castles and drinking milky every hour to having to do math.
But Ionnu. Its just the kind of lifestyle changes that everybody has to go through. even when your much older. I think.
Tomorrow we're having a little party for those leaving.
We're having 40 kids in this little classroom.
and its going to be so fucking hot.
it should be interesting.
gaaah. I love this.
Definitions of juices on the Web:
* Juice is the liquid naturally contained in plants. For example, orange juice is the liquid extract of the fruit of the orange tree
Definitions of anus on the Web:
* (A-nus): the opening at the lower end of the rectum through which solid body waste is eliminated.