I Pretend to Understand
But Really....


I
.Hate.
It
When He Needs.
"Space."

So Is This A Goodbye?


ITS A FUCK OFF.
and
DIE

.My Messages To God.

Come On'
Give Me Some.

&& Its Love.

&&Let Me Tell You About Last Night.

Let Me Go SUSu first.
It means, the verb To "Pee"

Done.

Well last night, after my conversation with nick on the phone.
Which btw was really really good,
We talked about, well what important things I could remember.
Before or after my "memory relapses".
Hehe.
And everything felt brilliant again :)

He went to play a game.
So I went to my mom and dad downstairs.
Kirans gone to a friends to stay over.
Me and mom talked really good
and my dad was drunk
he didnt say much so it wsa okay.
But THEN it started.
he got mad at me
and lectured me
for like an hour
stuff like
"If you were out on the streets I wouldnt really care"

and then

"But if kiran (brother) was, I would because he listenes to me."

That hurt a little bit.


Finally, My father
Who I always thought was so strong.
SO reserved.
Had no feelings,
That man started crying.
Crying.
Right in front of me.
Crying his heart out,
Crying about how his own daughter didnt love him.
Crying about he is living for only himself.

I just sat there, I was going to die.
But i didnt.
Mom was just like "come on no"and holding his hand.
She was going to cry too
I dont think shes ever seen my dad cry.

I was like "mom dont cry on me too"
I was trying to humour everything
because i was so terrified.
I had no idea what to do.
I walked away.
Mom told me to, (nicely)
and later she told me to go give him a hug,
But I can,
I dont even know him,
I havent hugged him since like i was 3//
It wasnt going to happen.

I stood by the door like.."I uh..uh...I uh dont uh really...uh...hate...uh..you"
and ran away.
That was hard enough,
But it was put on and so fake,
I could hear it in my own voice.


I was upset.
Talked to Nicholas about it.
He told me that if things are going to have to change,
Im going to have to make an effort.


And even then, I didnt want to believe it.


But he was.


&&Soright.

;:...she's un-fucking-stopable...:;

Nothing is ever as bad as it seems.

.Nothings going Right.

yeah, go on. Ask me about it.
I need to talk.