I dislike being ignored.
I have a suspicion, a very strong suspicion, he doesn't see it as ignoring me.
But when I'm feeling bad enough about everything else, I really don't need this uncertainty, too.
It would be nice to feel wanted again.
Do you have ANY idea how bored I am??
I'M WRITING IN HERE AGAIN THAT OUGHTA TELL U SOMETHING
I also just reread all those past entry things, and WOWEE I'm... I was... eh, forget it.
You know what I really, really, really think?
I don't actually know.
Come back again tomorrow.
Or don't.
phooey on you-ey.
I guess.
Er....somethin
I don't think I can take another three weeks of school.
I have this strange simple-minded delusion that as long as I don't have to come out of my room, everything will be okay.
Nothing is ever like it should be or like I thought it would be, all plans come to nothing and there is nothing and no one I can count on.
And the worst betrayal of all I still can't get my mind around. Everything since that is surreal and unimportant. The one person I thought would be there was not, and it doesn't matter why, not really, because that's where it all fell down, right there, and now I am stuck in this horrible in-between state of mind and in the worst possible location, and I know I should never have looked back.
I knew better.
But then, I always do.
I had a disney childhood.
In a way, put in perspective, that sucks. Looking at another way, however; what better kind of childhood to have?
I don't know what I'm thinking. In a way I'm doing quite well today, but there's a dark shadow hovering in the back of my mind warning me mayday, mayday, school resumes tomorrow, running out of time, mayday, mayday
fiffilestibas.
/
today was horribly, horribly, horrible.
why am i not surprised?
The idea that "life isn't fair" is a hard lesson to learn. And, apparantly, to remember.
“Somehow for all my thinking
I can't seem to decide
Just what it truly is
That’s running through my mind
Running from the demons
that only I can see
in the end will I be one of them?
But then who will be me?”
“Understand one another? I fear I am beyond your comprehension. But you, Saruman, I now understand too well.”
--Gandalf to Saruman, The Lord of the Rings: The Two Towers, Tolkein
“The treacherous are ever distrustful.”
--Gandalf to Saruman, The Lord of the Rings: The Two Towers
“So I took the road less traveled; now where the heck am I?”
--a t-shirt.
“See the happy moron!
He doesn’t give a damn.
I wish I were a moron—
My God! Perhaps I am!”
--??
Playing devil's advocate is the only way to know where you really stand on an issue.
“We are here because we are not all there.”
I think anarchists are stupid, yet I also find it amusing to break the rules. Push the limits. How far can you go... The reason being, I suppose, because I can't shake the solid spark of sanity in the back of my head that will always stop me before I go too far.
Always... that is, so far, always.
"Rules are there to make you think before you break them."
^ I knew rules weren't made to be broken, but I couldn't articulate it. However, on this point I think I agree (at least at the moment) with Terry Pratchet fully on this.
"The life you have led doesn't necessarily have to be the only life you have."
^ That is a very comforting thought.
I stumbled across these in an old file while going through a few long forgotten and dusty corners of my computer. Some still have the power to make me laugh. Gee, I can't imagine why...
It's okay to kiss a fool; it's okay to let a fool
kiss you... but NEVER let a kiss fool you.
Walking away isn't the hard part...it's knowing
that you won't come running after me that hurts
the most.
I still miss my x. But my aim is getting much
better.
The other day I ran into my x boyfriend. So I
backed up and hit him again.
Why does every guy have to measure up to the
one that broke my heart?
Which hurts more? Thinking you should hate him
or knowing that you don't?
One day he'll see the light... then he'll get
hit by the train!
Don't pay any mind to the people from your
past. There is a reason they're not in your
future.
(Which reminds me of a Dr Seuss quote: "Those who mind don't matter, and those who matter don't mind."
Don't believe in love at first sight? Maybe you
better walk by again.
You know it's love when all you want is that
person to be happy. Even if you're not part of
their happiness.
I thought I could never love again, until you
came by. But then you kept on walking.
I must have 'play me' written all over my face
because it always seems to happen.
Sometimes the person you fall for isn't willing
to catch you.
Lots of people use really thin threads when
mending their ways.
I love you is eight letters, but then again so
is bullshit.
Do opposites really attract? At first, maybe. But... overall? Only, I think, if the oppositeness is only surface-deep.
It's called shell shock.
It happens to lots of soldiers. The example I'm thinking of was after WWI.
The once wonderful boy has grown up, in the war, into shell shock; now he can stand people only as shallow and miserable as himself.
Shell shock occurs, in other, arguably lesser, forms to those who don't have physical wars to fight. The symptoms can be different. The ones I am thinking of, however, might occur in people who fight non-physical battles as well.
An epic war of the soul.
It's a self defense mechanism. When the unendurable comes to pass--it's not endured. But to stave off fully fledged insanity, or death, it's simply... backed away from.
'To step aside is human.'
Sometimes it's neccessary.
Sometimes it's also a bloody stupid thing to do.
And sometimes...
when, perhaps, it's at its most dangerous...
it's very, very tempting.
At first it makes you feel bad. You're puzzled, a bit confused, a little hurt. And then--nothing. Nothing changes. The other shoe never falls. Nothing occurs. That's when the safe guard kicks in: anger. Anger. "Well, what do I care anyway"* and "Forget that"** are phrases commonly heard. It's a phenomenon everybody experiences; and tonight, I am interested in identifying the stages of reaction.
?Por que?
Porque puedo, mis amigos. Porque puedo.
Que lo es siempre todo.
^ Oh look, and very bad spanish to go with my vaguely wannabe philosophical statements. Hoo-rah.
Oh my. I think I was just sarcastic about being sarcastic. Oh the irony.
The irony would kill me, but the sarcasm got there first.
Understand this, ye mortals in my power--
my power is my mortailty
you're frailty is your rejection of yours
my power is my mastery of the unavoidable
you're weakness is you're willing and want to be inept
my power is that i care
your greatest asset is that you don't
my power lies in my strength of will
your peace of mind comes from the denial you have one
my power is my pride
your death will be through your arrogance
my power is my stubborn fury
your weakness is your controlling anger
my power is my living faith
your stupidity is your sketpicism
my power is within myself
your failing is your denial of self things
my power is in being me
your failure is not being you
Footnote:
* and ** => edited for language
HAHAHAHAHAHAHA
I submitted to the Daily Poem.
Page version: 667.
The same poem on my wiki, whose lovely image I feature on my page. A bit of rethinking was needed to get it from 36 lines to the maximum 35, but I rather like the new format. Couplets. Haven't done those in ages.
So, the spinoff of below has been incorporated into the original, and though it is sort of long, I like it nonetheless.
Down with the conventional, death to the ordinary, and rock on to anyone who agrees with me.
~
Yet another spinoff:
penguins in a teacup
spinning round and round
watch as they go flying
through the speed of sound
penguins laughing always
autumn, arctic, albany
between the height of glory
and the cold shore of the sea
penguins penguins penguins
everywhere i look
penguin after penguin
on the pages of this book
~
*laughs derisively*
I was recently told sarcasm is a bad thing.
Personally, I would assume that, like most other things, it's neither good nor bad; it depends on how you use it.
IDIC.
^ Must remember that.
~
WHOO HOO
Yay for fun times, like last night.
Dear God, was that me dancing? How much caffeine had I ingested?? Apparantly not quite enough to kill me, as I'm still here. Were I a ghost, I think I might have noticed by now.
Maybe.
Maybe, maybe not. The philosophy of Robert Fulghum.
Forget where I heard this, but it's something along the lines of, 'the man who views the world at fifty the same as he did at twenty has wasted the last thirty years of his life.'
So... umm... yeah.
My thoughts are spinning, and I cannot communicate them. Not here, not now, not to whoever might be reading this, not with the limitations of the english language.
In language, all that exists are possibilities, while my thoughts are struggling to break past those bonds.
Some aspects of this culture royally stink.
~
To ramble is to come perilously close to babbling.
The Tower of Babble.
Stood really tall, was never finished, a million different languages... yes, it's a bible story, anyone recognize it?
Just because it's in the Bible doesn't stop it being true, after a fashion. It's as true as any other myth, I suppose.
Of cousre, the word 'myth' just describes... a story. A belief. Not 'untrue tall tale'. The truest things in this world are myths at the core of them. Archetypes, shed of all cultural trappings.
Like love.
~
I think love is a disease. An affliction, if you will.
And if you won't I will, so it's covered either way.
But what is love? Millenia of human existence have failed to adequately address this question. Or rather, finally answer it. 'adequately address'... sounds like something out of a supervisor's reproving memo to a subordinate.
I'm hungry.
Yay for fanfiction. Sometimes I come across stories that are well written, with wit and style and personality, and I love the little phrases I come across that are just so dang quotable.
I'm getting aggravated.
You know I haven't actually watched victor/victori
Sometimes people think they need to ask for advice because they feel confused, but it's pointless to ask for advice if it's impossible to articulate the feeling of confusion into a question.
Why does it make people to speak in generalities, using phrases like "they" and "People in general" instead of "me" or "you"?
Oh, the irony.
Irony and sarcasm. In my mind those two are forever inextricably linked.
I think I'd like to jump ahead a few years, sometimes. Just to see what things are like. A dumb quiz told me I'd be married in 2009. I don't believe it. And anyway I'll do my best to disprove it on purpose...
Different people think different things are "cool". Is there an objective thingy at all, or is it all opinion? I've had this conversation in more detail before. I found a semi sort of answer, one that works--oh how ironically--fo
I should leave off this before it gets any more twisted.
Or revealing.
Excelent movie: Victor/Victori
'You don't believe in shame?'
'I believe in happiness.'
What is it with shame? It's something that affects everybody. Nearly everybody. Generalities get me in trouble, they just don't hold true when I'm around, it's like my presence bends the laws of space/time and things get screwy. But anyway. Shame. Everyone has secrets; things they are afraid to let go of and let out into the open. It's all tied up with privacy and, in my terms, 'bubbles', but it has to do with shame, too; fear, as well, the closely related sidekick... fear of being found out, because it is humiliating to be so revealed, and... vulnerable. And the latter part must be where the shame comes in.
Good question--defi
No wonder I tried to spell "busy" as "buzy", I must've been thinking of "lazy", which is most definitely "lazy" with a "z" and not "lasy."
My blog is being stupid and not posting properly, so all my thoughts that woudl ususually go in there and being spilled out here instead. In a way that's kind of sad. No, in a way tha'ts a bad thing, and in a way I don't even care anymore.
Did I ever?
Or was it all an illusion?
How can you really, truly know what's real and true when everything changes all the time? Is it only real and true if it's forever?
Fear...
of anything. Fascinating subject. Of course, it's also fascinating for psychopaths, and not just insanely curious people like me, but I am not, in the sense meant here, a psychopath. If I am a psychopath in any sense, it is where I am only a dnager to myself.
And anyone emotionally involved with me. Fmaily, freidns, whoever...
Sometimes people scare me because, I suppose this is what t is, is I have enough trouble dealing with my own issues; how can I deal with their's, too? Except that's really stupid, because I don't have to. That's why it's their issues and not mine. But then again, that's one of my flaws, and one reason I don't like drama; I take on other people's problems, for somer eason. Probably something to do with empathy or sympathy or whatnot.
I was accused of babbling earlier today. I think they may have been right.
I'ts amusing how the easily made to laugh and those who don't hang around those I hang around with think I am both random and funny.
It's quite a strange sensation, to be thought of in those terms.
Then again, it's also a strange sensation to realize I'm almost out of high school. Of cousre, I spend about fifteen seconds going "oh, my..." and then it's a unanimous: YES!!!
One exclamation mark; just excited. Two; a bit overdone, but nothing to worry about. Three; there's some issues going on, isn't there... Four; wow you're weird. Five or more; insanity, insanity, written by an insane person...
!!!!!
!!
So; continuing...
There is nowhere to continue but on into the darkness. Let's hope I remembered the extra batteries for the flashlight.
Wiat; let's hope I remembered the flashlight....
Rah,rah. Valentine's day. Charming, I'm sure.
I am, by reputation and by habit, the Grinch of Valentines. Which is odd because I actaully have a 'valentine' this year, but that's where the 'habit' part comes in.
And some people just make this day of the year miserable. Unfortunately, I have to put up with them. At least not for very long. Apparantly there are plusses to short lunches. Go figure.
Well, Happy Valentine's, spread the love, yada yada yada and more mush. That's it, that's all the warm fuzzies I can find.
Lol.
~
I sometimes wish for telepathy. Of cousre sometimes I also wish for giant marshmellows and for the sky to rain lemon drops, but that's okay, because we don't always wish for what's good for us.
Dang fortune cookies. Why couldn't it be funny like everybody else's?
"Time is the wisest counselor."
Eesh.
So relevant it's strange, so strange it's..........
RANDOMNESS IN A CHINESE RESTAURANT OMG NOOOOOOOO!!!!!
I've lost it, I've gone round the bend, I've bought the funny farm, I'm out to lunch, I've left my mind, I've got out the back door, I've kicked the sanity bucket, I've lost my marbles
OH NO NOT MORE "HOOK" QUOTES
Hook, Zaphod Beeblebrox, what's the difference, my thoughts go in circles and what else is new?
Come one, come all, my lovely little school's production of that most hilarious of comedic plays, The Foreigner, will begin Thursday Febrary ninth, 7:30, middle school auditorium. Same time and place the 10th and 11th as well.
Oh yay--the 11th.
Test day, ACT day, a few hours of happiness and anti-boredom remedy thrown in the middle. What a buzy buzy day I shall have. Or is it spelled "busy"? I'm too buzy/busy to stop and find out.
Dang all homework to heck!
(the most geenteel battlecry in the history of genteel battlecrys... thanks to the Archancellor of the Unseen University: Dang them all to Heck!) Or was it darn? Oh me oh my, the small details I can't remember. ho hum
I'm surrounded by drama.
"No no drama... no no no no drama..."
"You all know these girls, that I am talking about... they're like the real world, meets boy meets world, meets the days of our lives... emotional girls should all wear mood rings..."
And emotional boys as well, those have been getting on my nerves lately too
ENOUGH DRAMA ALREADY YOU PATHETIC LITTLE WORMS!
So... I make drama about there being too much drama?
The irony would kill me, but the sarcasm got there first.
~
I am bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored boored bored.
Did I mention bored out of my bloody mind?
I've been told it's unnatural to hate the weekends. There's no school in them, you see. But when I spend every weekend holed up in my house because I can't, for various reasons, go anywhere, it's possible to see that it's not that I like school so much as getting out of this house.
I can't wait until I get a car. And/or graduate. One or the other or both would be very, very nice. I even keep trying to write '07' instead of '06'. I've been bitten by the senioritis bug, and it's a virus that just wont' go away.
So, here I sit, typing, attempting to brace myself to face the black hole of homework, lamenting my lack of freedom, places to go and people to go with even if I could gp places, and also, perversely, the fact that the weekend is half over. I have tests monday. Or is it tuesday? Who knows. Certainly not me. It's only my life, after all.
On the other hand... well. there's different fingers.
I'm out of here. Talking to an online diary. Wow. I'm bored and I have issues. Go figure.
~
I have had the most amazing afternoon. I'm not even sure I could put it into words. The only thing wrong with it--it wasn't long enough. Four hours is much too short of a time to spend with someone actually worth talking to. I love it when things go according to plan. I may not have tomorrow, or the next day, or the next; but there will always be today.
Happy Birthday to me;
Happy Birthday to me;
Happy Biiiirrthdaaay to meee--ee;
Happy Birthday to me.
Yes, my singing is horrendous. lol does it look like I care? Be honest now.
"I shall have no regrets; just restless thoughts."
1-20-06: I am seventeen years old.
1-21-06: I take advantage of this fact to break out of my horribly boring routine and do something that I want to do, for once ditching my parents for someone who, in my opinion, is far more entertaining.
1-22-06: Back to boredom, but not forever.
I just completely lost my train of thought. Oh well. Cheerio, all.