Ever feel unappreciated? On the sidelines? Wrongfully in the wrong?

Welcome to my summer. This is so unbelievably crappy I cannot even believe it.

It's just been one of those days. So was last night, come to think of it. And on top of it all my entire afternoon was shot and I have a headache from staring at this computer screen.

My parents are mad because this trip is important to me. I'm mad because they won't listen to me, about this or anything else--like house hunting, for example. It seems like everyone has got something going for their summer except me. Significant others, saving money, seeing friends, just hanging out--whatever. Whereas I get to fight with my parents, never have enough money no matter how many hours or jobs I work, and never get to see anyone. Partially because some of them, not to mention names that begin with "S" and end with "hane", are too busy being workaholics and obsessing of their idiot girlfriend to care about their friends.

The world is unfair and it doesn't matter whether I'm right or not, no one will LISTEN to me.

I don't like being helpless, I don't like being treated as though I'm worthless, and above all I don't like the way my life is being directed, shaped and molded by stupid people who have no business doing anything of the sort.

In short, I'm fucking furious, and there's nothing I can do about anything.

In the words of Terry Pratchett: Sometimes it's better to light a flamethrower than to curse the darkness.

Inspired by terry pratchett, the sibling society, jazz guitarists, and a sad conversation. And probably a bunch of other stuff.



I am delighted
I am a raving lunatic
I am notes in the belly of a tuba

laughing at you

I am wordless inside
where the beasts reside

in the dark behind the eyes

I am standing at the foot of the scroll
it stretches behind me for paragraphs
only the smudges are mine

another hand moved mine

I am not I Am
I am not inconceivable
I am not certain

thinking in three's like a triangle






The "sad" conversation brought back rather sharply some events I sort of wish had never happened.

"Regret" is not the word. "Annoyed" is better. "Angry" might even be more accurate.

He was an idiot. I was still reeling and vulnerable from the "asshole boy fiasco". And so a friend became a bad choice. God that makes it sound so serious and dramatic. But all that happened was toes got stepped on and feelings got hurt. And I didn't speak to one of my good friends for a few months, but whatever.

I never would have guessed any of that idiocy actually bothered me in and of itself (or still could, I guess) and then... wow. Whamo.

It's probably that whole being used and discarded sensation. The double-whammy of you're not good enough. Yeah. I can see how that would have a negative affect on someone.

But seriously, he is the only person I know who actually lives in a stinking romance movie.

My "movie" had a rather different ending. If ending it be. No one knows the future...

"We can never see past the choices we don't understand."

Funny how random movie quotes talk sense.

I'm not depressed. I'm just a little out of whack. Like a time traveler. Culture shock kinda thing. Slightly disoritented, a bit conflicted and confused.

And annoyed. Underneath it all, really, really, REALLY annoyed.

Is it sad the only reason I post in here is because I know no one is ever going to read it? Not really. I just wanted to get this off my chest, and, having deleted all my other blog crap things and not wanting to write longhand, this is the only place to ramble without getting the attention of the other participant in said conversation.

Okay. I've rambled, I've got it off my chest, and now I've got to remind myself that the past is the past for a reason, he's not that stupid anymore, I'm not so short sighted anymore, and I really, really ought to get some sleep because I have a shitload of paper writing to do tomorrow. Today.

One last thought: Democracy is coming to the USA by Leonard Cohen is possibly my new favorite song.

Finally no longer 'the librarian's daughter'?
Finally no longer 'the short one'?
Finally no longer 'the smart one'?
Finally no longer... something.
Finally now... what?



Oh good god. Somebody please shoot the emo chick claiming to be me before I strangle her first.



It's these past few days. I know what it is. It's the events of the past few days, driving me insane. Plus that other thing. Yeah.

Sanity level: dropping rapidly.

...And I'm reduced to BLOGGING. on ELFTOWN.

God. I think it's time for... more homework.

Proof that I am really, truly, horribly desperate for something to do, something distracting and all encompasing. The downside is it will eat my soul in the process, damn college classes, but I suppose that's fitting justice for "keith the soul eater."

the matrix may or may not be real, but there is a "splinter in my mind" nonetheless, and it makes me glower darkly and mutter curses that I know both the cause and cure and all the same I am powerless to do anything about it. powerless to do anything about anything, really. still.

hm. maybe i should stop drinking six cans of dr pepper a day. that might help a little bit...

Hm. I really should delete all the old crap in here. Oh well.

I'm posting here toni--*checks clock*--this morning because I want to make a (hopefully brief) statement about Friends.

You know, the people in your life, not the television show.

It's strange how "friend" and "frienship" mean different things to different people. It's funny how you can be better friends with someone than they are with you, and vice versa. It's odd how some people are just pivotal in your life, even if they were only really present for a short while. Sometimes I wonder about how much chance and circumstance has to do with the friends we make. I tend to think the answer to that is... a lot.

Okay, okay. I have a reason for writing this. It's not just random pseudo-philosphizing. (Although it's that, too.) Since coming to college I've been a bit of a loner. You might think in the dorm setting that I'm forced to endure that would be impossible, but all that renders difficult is privacy. And for some reason tonight I thought of someone, a friend that, I think, meant/means more to me than I do to them, who happens to have once been a pivotal person in my life. I can certainly say life would have turned out quite differently without them, at any rate.

No, I'm not going to say who. (Or is that whom? Oh well.)

And I think I know where part of this is coming from. I was watching movie previews online tonight and there was this one... yeah.

Oooh speaking of which, Alan Rickman and Johnny Depp are appearing in the same movie O_O A movie about a famous murdering barber would probably not hold my attention at all, but they put two of my favoritest favoritest actors in it. I will be seeing that movie. Probably on its opening night. And I will probably love it. *sigh* The things I do for my favorite actors.

(Irony. The above paragraph coming from the most anti-celebrity person ever. Eye-ron-ick.)

Essentially, I thought tonight suddenly and unexpectedly about a friend I haven't seen or talked to in a while and had a sudden urge to go see them and give them a great big hug. End existenstial angst or whatever the hell this psued-philosphizing equals out to be.

l oh well.

ps. i now have a mac instead of a pc.
pps. that fact makes me want to cry.
ppps. want my pc back!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Goodness only knows why I should post this here, but, I'm going to. If I had the patience, I would really delete all my previous journal entries here. Oh well. My post:


~~~
~~~
~~~



"Bloody mnhei'sahe again. Not even the (translator) does anything about that word."
"Only people can do anything about it. The day you understand it, that day our wars are at an end."

There's lots of Star Trek quotes I could pick to quote, but that one will do for now. There's no possible way I could really begin to explain here what's been going through my mind lately about that concept, mnhei'sahe, or any other number of related topics, or any real way you, the passerby reader, whoever you may be, if anyone even does read this, can begin to understand or to care without being impacted as I am by the source material.

But I'm going to attempt to do a little explaining anyway, bearing in mind that I am, after all, biased by a completely unconditional love of the best parts of Star Trek, especially the Vulcans and the Romulans (at the moment especially them, anyway.) I've been reading a lot about Rihannsu politics lately. And, more importantly, their, what for lack of a better term must be called their 'code of honor.'

Chivalry is pretty deeply ingrained into the subconscious psyche of British-born cultures. Knights, Camelot, Chivalry, that kind of thing, all tends to go together, being honorable, whatnot. Multiply chivalry by a factor of about three billion or so and you're not even close to mnhei'sahe, but you might be approaching the subject with the right attitude.

I've attempted to define it more concrete--and English terms--which is a pretty hopeless task, but these adjectives come to mind: honor, justice, integrity, love, purity, truth. Particularly honor.

Any code of ethics, or honor system, can be manipulated into something against its original intended intent, or purpose. But for all intents and purposes, mnhei'sahe is a way of life, for the Rihannsu, that involves strict personal honor, and--hm, a term I left out: loyalty.
Mnhei'sahe is about doing what will give everyone honor, including yourself, by doing what's right in a situation. That's why the term doesn't necessarily mean one thing, because the meaning changes depending on the context. It could mean granting mercy or even friendship to your enemies, instead of killing them, or it could mean engaging your closest friend or family member in a fight to the death. Those are, of course, extreme examples. It's not something that's taken lightly, however.

The first interesting point about all this is how it interacts with other philosophies found in Star Trek. The Rihannsu are the distant cousins of the Vulcans, Sundered from them in ages past, in the time of Surak, but for all that, they are still, in many was, one people. But although the Rihannsu are a warrior people, (similar yet vastly different from the Klingons, definitely,) and the Vulcans are, since the time of Surak and the Sundering, pacificts and vegetarians, although I haven't re-read the book I need to to make sure of the information instead of relying on faulty memory, the concepts of mnhei'sahe and the Vulcan o'thia fit together remarkably well--even though the first is based in a warrior culture, full of emotion and battles, and the latter is based in logic, or as o'thia literally translates, reality-truth, and 'waging peace' at all costs. "What matters is doing what's right, not merely blindly defending what is attacked." That is part of the heart of o'thia, besides pure logical reasoning and peace.
The way the two philosophies have the potential to interact is staggering.

Yes, Star Trek is fiction, written by humans and therefore not truly alien, but rooted in our own psyche and beliefs and philosophies, I'm well aware of that, and even if these ideas are merely re-manifestations of ideas that have already been expressed in other times and places, if in slightly differing forms--which is highly likely--I think this manifestation is highly conducive to being recognized as what it is: truth, good, and right.

We learn from our fiction, particularly from our fairy tales. In the truest and, genre-ly speaking, broadest interpretation of the term, Star Trek is one of The fairy tales out of all fairy tales. It is one well worth learning from. Even worth taking its principles to heart, and forging a way of living around.

In a world that is too often muddled and confused and far from honorable or just, mnhei'sahe--and o'thia--are remarkably, brilliantly, clear, and hopeful, and wonderful. Incorporated into a person's belief systems and way of life, they can drastically alter a person's way of being--for the better.

There is a book called Star Trek Lives which in many places explains the real-world benefits of Star Trek and how the show, and its characters and its books, have helped people, and the world, so much. Not the least of its contributions are the ways in which it has changed the individuals who have seen it. Making the world a better place, one viewer at a time. I'd like to think I'm one of those individuals changed for the better.

A Rihannsu proverb: Truth sometimes wears a skewed look while being no less true.

Whatever form the message takes, there is one central message, the basic rightness and moral/ethical/whatever the right word is building blocks out of which the universe is formed, which we, human beings, are made, and this particular Star Trek form is particularly conducive to getting the message across loud and clear. For whatever reasons this form resonates with me so, it is undoubtedly that it is both logical and emotionally fitting for mnhei'sahe, and perhaps o'thia, to become a part of my life--heck, even yours, unknown (potential) reader.
Star Trek is a very bright universe. It is full of hope. The kind of hope we need here, really. Mnhei'sahe is a way of life that is about, on a very basic level, doing what is honorable, and what is right. My vocabulary is insufficient at this point to be more specific than that--but when it means weeding out corruption, caring for those who need to be cared for, and building peace, what more, honestly, can there be left to say?

Undoubtedly, opposition to such "vague", "idealistic," and "impractical" notions will make itself heard, and in more unpleaasent terms than that; but where mnhei'sahe may require a form of idealism in those who dream big enough to conceive of the kind of place where that kind of virtue and honor are common place and the core of every being, o'thia, the Vulcan logic, will require the pragmatic view that tempers it.

No wonder humans were able to invent both the Rihannsu and the Vulcans. We are the two of them, joined, at least at our best; at our best, we are the results of Reunification, where the philosophies of two separate viewpoints, quite different now but rooted in one common ancestry, come together again the better for their differences and time apart.

I can already hear some of the comments about not only the content of this little essay, as it's turned out to be, but it's tone. My response to that is, well, you must experience your own revelations. This has been one of mine. It's quite possibly still occuring. This has been mostly an attempt to sort my thoughts out on the matter.
Mnhei'sahe; not a bad way to live. Certainly an improvement on the way many live, or rather, avoid living, now.

Think about it.

I repeat:

It would be nice to feel wanted again.

I can almost remember what it was like, if I concentrate hard enough.

Unfortunately, that's one of those activities that makes me feel like crying. Usually at inappropriate times, in embarassing places, in front of all the wrong people.

I wonder if the right person would even notice.

Life is funny, sometimes. WYSIWYG. Only not...

It was never supposed to be like this.

It would be so easy to adopt a dramatic stance and exclaim in remorse and terror, "What have I done!", but the problem is--

--I already know.

And this particular rhetorical question only drives the pain in deeper.

So much for...

<sigh>.

everything.

Well, fuck.

You know sometimes friends are great

and sometimes the most well-intentioned of pals just...

...fuck everything up.

Fuck.

I dislike being ignored.

I have a suspicion, a very strong suspicion, he doesn't see it as ignoring me.

But when I'm feeling bad enough about everything else, I really don't need this uncertainty, too.

It would be nice to feel wanted again.

Do you have ANY idea how bored I am??

I'M WRITING IN HERE AGAIN THAT OUGHTA TELL U SOMETHING

I also just reread all those past entry things, and WOWEE I'm... I was... eh, forget it.

You know what I really, really, really think?

I don't actually know.

Come back again tomorrow.

Or don't.

phooey on you-ey.

I guess.

Er....somethinglikethat???????

I don't think I can take another three weeks of school.

I have this strange simple-minded delusion that as long as I don't have to come out of my room, everything will be okay.

Nothing is ever like it should be or like I thought it would be, all plans come to nothing and there is nothing and no one I can count on.

And the worst betrayal of all I still can't get my mind around. Everything since that is surreal and unimportant. The one person I thought would be there was not, and it doesn't matter why, not really, because that's where it all fell down, right there, and now I am stuck in this horrible in-between state of mind and in the worst possible location, and I know I should never have looked back.

I knew better.

But then, I always do.

I had a disney childhood.

In a way, put in perspective, that sucks. Looking at another way, however; what better kind of childhood to have?

I don't know what I'm thinking. In a way I'm doing quite well today, but there's a dark shadow hovering in the back of my mind warning me mayday, mayday, school resumes tomorrow, running out of time, mayday, mayday

fiffilestibas.

/

today was horribly, horribly, horrible.



why am i not surprised?

The idea that "life isn't fair" is a hard lesson to learn. And, apparantly, to remember.






“Somehow for all my thinking
I can't seem to decide
Just what it truly is
That’s running through my mind
Running from the demons
that only I can see
in the end will I be one of them?
But then who will be me?”

“Understand one another? I fear I am beyond your comprehension. But you, Saruman, I now understand too well.”
--Gandalf to Saruman, The Lord of the Rings: The Two Towers, Tolkein

“The treacherous are ever distrustful.”
--Gandalf to Saruman, The Lord of the Rings: The Two Towers

“So I took the road less traveled; now where the heck am I?”  
--a t-shirt.

“See the happy moron!
He doesn’t give a damn.
I wish I were a moron—
My God! Perhaps I am!”
--??

Playing devil's advocate is the only way to know where you really stand on an issue.

“We are here because we are not all there.”




I think anarchists are stupid, yet I also find it amusing to break the rules. Push the limits. How far can you go... The reason being, I suppose, because I can't shake the solid spark of sanity in the back of my head that will always stop me before I go too far.

Always... that is, so far, always.

"Rules are there to make you think before you break them."

^ I knew rules weren't made to be broken, but I couldn't articulate it. However, on this point I think I agree (at least at the moment) with Terry Pratchet fully on this.




"The life you have led doesn't necessarily have to be the only life you have."

^ That is a very comforting thought.

I stumbled across these in an old file while going through a few long forgotten and dusty corners of my computer. Some still have the power to make me laugh. Gee, I can't imagine why...



It's okay to kiss a fool; it's okay to let a fool
kiss you... but NEVER let a kiss fool you.

Walking away isn't the hard part...it's knowing
that you won't come running after me that hurts
the most.

I still miss my x. But my aim is getting much
better.

The other day I ran into my x boyfriend. So I
backed up and hit him again.

Why does every guy have to measure up to the
one that broke my heart?

Which hurts more? Thinking you should hate him
or knowing that you don't?

One day he'll see the light... then he'll get
hit by the train!

Don't pay any mind to the people from your
past. There is a reason they're not in your
future.
(Which reminds me of a Dr Seuss quote: "Those who mind don't matter, and those who matter don't mind."

Don't believe in love at first sight? Maybe you
better walk by again.

You know it's love when all you want is that
person to be happy. Even if you're not part of
their happiness.

I thought I could never love again, until you
came by. But then you kept on walking.

I must have 'play me' written all over my face
because it always seems to happen.

Sometimes the person you fall for isn't willing
to catch you.

Lots of people use really thin threads when
mending their ways.

I love you is eight letters, but then again so
is bullshit.






Do opposites really attract? At first, maybe. But... overall? Only, I think, if the oppositeness is only surface-deep.

It's called shell shock.

It happens to lots of soldiers. The example I'm thinking of was after WWI.

The once wonderful boy has grown up, in the war, into shell shock; now he can stand people only as shallow and miserable as himself.

Shell shock occurs, in other, arguably lesser, forms to those who don't have physical wars to fight. The symptoms can be different. The ones I am thinking of, however, might occur in people who fight non-physical battles as well.

An epic war of the soul.

It's a self defense mechanism. When the unendurable comes to pass--it's not endured. But to stave off fully fledged insanity, or death, it's simply... backed away from.

'To step aside is human.'

Sometimes it's neccessary.

Sometimes it's also a bloody stupid thing to do.

And sometimes...

when, perhaps, it's at its most dangerous...

it's very, very tempting.

At first it makes you feel bad. You're puzzled, a bit confused, a little hurt. And then--nothing. Nothing changes. The other shoe never falls. Nothing occurs. That's when the safe guard kicks in: anger. Anger. "Well, what do I care anyway"* and "Forget that"** are phrases commonly heard. It's a phenomenon everybody experiences; and tonight, I am interested in identifying the stages of reaction.

?Por que?
Porque puedo, mis amigos. Porque puedo.

Que lo es siempre todo.

^ Oh look, and very bad spanish to go with my vaguely wannabe philosophical statements. Hoo-rah.

Oh my. I think I was just sarcastic about being sarcastic. Oh the irony.

The irony would kill me, but the sarcasm got there first.




Understand this, ye mortals in my power--

my power is my mortailty
you're frailty is your rejection of yours
my power is my mastery of the unavoidable
you're weakness is you're willing and want to be inept
my power is that i care
your greatest asset is that you don't
my power lies in my strength of will
your peace of mind comes from the denial you have one
my power is my pride
your death will be through your arrogance
my power is my stubborn fury
your weakness is your controlling anger
my power is my living faith
your stupidity is your sketpicism
my power is within myself
your failing is your denial of self things
my power is in being me
your failure is not being you







Footnote:
* and ** => edited for language

HAHAHAHAHAHAHA

I submitted to the Daily Poem.

Page version: 667.

The same poem on my wiki, whose lovely image I feature on my page. A bit of rethinking was needed to get it from 36 lines to the maximum 35, but I rather like the new format. Couplets. Haven't done those in ages.

So, the spinoff of below has been incorporated into the original, and though it is sort of long, I like it nonetheless.

Down with the conventional, death to the ordinary, and rock on to anyone who agrees with me.

~