taking a break from that damned birthday present. Fucking hell, I had forgotten how FRUSTRATING this shit is. My hands are covered in paint, and I'm aching for a cigarette. To add to it all, my deareast John (please note the heavy sarcasm here) continued to shoot down my martial art... The one I'm going to instruct, the only one I can afford... He keeps saying he's all about me being an instructor, then he goes on about how great it'll be to say "I'm dating a martial arts instructor!" ... Is it, perhaps, for his own benifit, his social standing? Could it be that when he calls me a "sucker" for his puppy eyes, that he's talking about more than that? Could it be that he's using me, just like every other guy I've been with has done?
*sighs, shakes her head* For now, I'll refuse to believe that. But he IS confusing me. The other night, he was messing around with me, teasing me and whatnot, and Josh was at his house. He practically ordered Josh to bite my neck as he bit the other side... What confuses me about that, is that later, he said all his jealousy was focused on Josh. The hell? Was he, perhaps, giving Josh a taste of what he'll never fully have? gaah, I don't know, and I get light-headed just thinking about it. And thinking about the possibility of John using me makes me ill. Very ill. Very, very, very ill. Excuse me whilst I puke sort of ill. *sighs* Am I so gullible that I would actually believe that what I have with John is different from all the others? I'm having the same paranoid suspcisions that I had with every other guy... Perhaps it's just my low self-esteem again. the whole "I'm definately not good enough for him... He's going to cheat on me any day now, if he hasn't already" kind of thinking. The fact that a Tarrot reading said he was going to cheat on me with an ex then leave me for her doesn't help much. At all.
But nothing's really set in stone, right? Just because a Tarrot reading SAID he's going to doesn't really and truly mean he IS... He said himself he's going to be extra cautious around all his ex's, now... But that would mean he'd have reason to cheat on me in the first place...
DAMN my insecurity, DAMN it to HELL.
Shit like this is flying thorugh my head at a mile-a-minute pace... Don't know if I can take much more of this.
AND I'm taking the fucking road test tomorrow.
Not. Good.
Got a plan for my dearest John's birthday present... I only hope that I can have it finished by April. x_x; Sadly enough, it's not that hard to hide a 3'x4' canvas in my room. ;>_> ... I think it's 3'x4'.... I'm not too sure. But it's big. And hidden. Yipe, yipe, yipe. The only problem with this project... Is that I have to ask my sweetie about coloring. >_<
Rawrg, my nerves are shot. maybe I should take one of these "Stress buster" pills. says no more than two a day, so... hm. *takes six*
... *passes out*
*gets toated to hospital*
*gets stomach pumped*
*dies anyway*
... that'd be my luck.
anyways, I'm off to work on the painting as much as I can. I'll try giving my John a call tomorrow evening, but... *sighs*
Dissappointmen
... I'm so dissappointed in myself. I was doing so well, so, so very well, and then I SMOKED. I smoked... God dammit, I know I'm stronger than this, I know I can do better than this... So why don't I? Perhaps it has something to do with the fact that I still sometimes believe that I'm going to fail regardless, so why try... What I don't understand... Is that after the events of last night, my will power should have increased so freaking much that it's not funny. *sighs* I dunno. I'm going to get Jacob to keep his cigarettes somewhere OTHER than on his person at all times, and I guess I'm going to have to spend money the second I get it so I don't buy cigarettes... Even if they are ultra-lights.
Well, my father washed his cars today, and I helped my stepmother steal leaves from someone else's pile so we could cover the garden and compost pile.
Insanity has officially found my family.
Anyways.. Not much else happened today. Looking forward to seeing John tomorrow. Got a yeast infection... When John screwed me last night, he was a little too rough and tore me open. Used the yeast infection medication, laid on my bed writhing and whimpering in pain, because the medicine was in open wounds and not reacting happily. Started my period today. Down below area is feeling much better already. I wonder if I should continue to use the medicine, since I'm menstrating. *shrug* I guess I will.
Miss my John. A lot. Cold hands. Hunger. Gonna eat.
Gained weight! I'm up to about 128... good stuff. My boobs are bigger, too. sweet. 'course, I AM bleeding, so... *shrug*
Well, 's all I've got for today. Gonna run and eat something, medicate myself, then go to bed.
-Tegan
Y'know, I just realized I don't tell John certain things that go through my mind because I'm afraid he'll laugh at me. *shrug* oh well.
Random quiz I found on a LiveJournal.
--8 Things I want to do before I die--
8. completely quit smoking
7. completely quit cutting
6. go to college
5. complete college
4. become a successful psychologist that can really help people
3. get married
2. start a family
1. See my children happy
--7 Ways to win my heart--
7. be accepting of all kinds of people.
6. Be free of drugs
5. Be coherent enough to realize the only thing you can do sometimes is distract me from the pain and make me laugh
4. Be responisble for your actions
3. be honest with me
2. tolerate me
1. understand me
--6 Things I believe in--
6. ghosts
5. heartache is physical pain
4. Death is stalking me
3. adrenaline rushes can be frightening
1. love
--5 Things I'm afraid of--
5. spiders
4. large bugs
3. rapists
2. pure, true silence
1. rape
--4 Of my Favorite Items in my bedroom--
4. my bed... *purr*
3. my large amount of stuffed animals
2. my sharp-pointy things
1. The perfectly balanced mess... Don't touch that, my room will fall! o_O;
--3 Things I do everyday--
3. Fantasize about killing someone
2. Booty dance
1. Think about John
About You
1. Full Name: Tegan Holly Hurst
2. Age: 17
3. Sex: female
4. Location: AL
5. Hobbies: reading, writing, TKD, drawing
6. Status: dating
7. Likes: digital cameras, cell phones, photography, long hair, dark colors, blacklights, rain, night time, glitter, red/blue/black velvet, sparkly objects, sharp pointy things, Renn. clothes, fantasy novels, impressionisti
8. Dislikes: assholes, homophobes, most Christians, George Bush, school, politicians in general, heavy drug users, stupid/ignoran
9. Siblings: One half brother, one half sister, and one full-blood sister
10. Hair Color: blue black
11. Height: 5"6
12. Eye color: green
13. Best friends: Katie, Nikkita, John, Lance, Brian, Jacob
14. Birthday: 05/3/87
15. Car: the second I get a license.
Fashion??
1. Favorite Place To Shop: Hot Topic
2.Tatoos/pierc
3. Clothing Brand: uhm. whatever I find that I like?
4. Shoe Brand: Big boots in general. ^_^
5. Shoe size: 8 1/2
Specifics
1.What shampoo do you use? whatever happens to be in the bathroom. e.e;
2. Most scared of: rape
3. Last person you called: John
4. Last person that called you: Nikkita
5. Where ya wanna get married? somewhere outdoors... late spring.. *purr*
6. What would you change about yourself? breast size, self-control
7. Last person you kissed: John
8. Last person you hugged: John
9. last time you cried: today
10. last person you bitched at: Will
Favorite
1. Color: black
2. food: ramen noodles
3. subject: this semester? Drama. In general? ... art.
4. sport: *gag* the only thing I like that would even come close to a sport is martial arts
5. animal: cats, felines in general.
6. person: My John
7. family member: My mom
8. object: a teeny tiny little black pocket knife that used to be John's
9. place: in this freezing weather, someplace warm cuddling with my John, or playing with Katia's hair.
10.feeling: loved.
Ever..
1. smoked: yes
2. given a bath: can't say I have.
3. bunjee jumped: no
4. sky dived: FUCK no. never will.
5. skinny dipped: yes
6. been in love: yes
7. hated someone so much you thought about killing them: yes
8. loved someone so much, you'll never be the same: yes
9. cried to get away with something: uh, I don't think so...
10. rejected someone, then regreted it: nope.
11. been rejected: always. *shrugs* don't care anymore.
12. lied: If someone were to answer "no" to this, it would be a lie, so what's the point?
13. done a regretful thing: dur. Who hasn't? Some people just do things they regret WAY more than others
14. seen someone naked: yes.
15. jumped off of something and hurt yourself: yeah, of course. I'm a clumsy idiot.
Random
1. Where do you work? In my bedroom. For free. My client sits in the window sill and talks as I sit on my bed and listen, taking notes.
2. Are you tired of doing this? Not really. I've nothing more interesting to do. I should probably be working on my Health stuff, though.
3. Do you like this? *shrug*
4. What is your ring size? which finger, which hand? left hand index finger is a seven, middle is a... 7 1/2, I think the ring is a five, and that's all that matters. As for my right hand, it's just one half size bigger than my left. I think. not sure.
5. Where are you? my computer room
6. How long is this taking you? not very long
7. Would you like to know who made this? So I can hit them for asking this question? yes.
8. Where do you live? Alabama
9. Who do you like? John
10. What are you eating? Ice. *crunch*
Now.
1. clothes: black pants, shirt Katia got me for Christmas (*purr*), socks, boots, panties, and a sweat shirt to keep me warm
2. music: none
3. make-up: none.
4. boxers: none
5. group/band: something with a good beat, I guess. no particular favorite.
6. book: currently without reading material... *sob* Hm, maybe I'll read The Devinci Code
7. desktop pic: Some webcomic desktop picture that's all Christmasy
8. smell: lavender... *purr*purr*
9. company: a sleeping kitty.
10. odd things: *confusion*
going to sleep, now. 'cause I have to get up in six hours. ^^;
Just spent fifteen minutes in the bathroom retching. Strange. It was completely random. I didn't feel sick, or anything, just, randomly: vomit. *shrug* Not a lot came up, a lot of it was just stomach acid, so now my throat's sore. There was the occasional small brown chuck that I recognized as beef, and slimy snot-looking stuff that was grease... I'm thinking my stomach was just protesting against McDonalds.
John, I say we boycott Taco Bell and McDonalds. neither seems to be good for us.
Got my senior purple belt. Hah, I passed testing when I was deathly ill. At the award ceremony last night, my intructors commented on it: "She tested sick as a dog... We're all very proud of her, because while she was sparring, she couldn't draw full breath, couldn't breath, actually stopped breathing at one point in time... But never stopped moving." I was proud of myself. ^_^
On the bad side, I saw an instructor that's been in the hospital recently for cancer... I had to excuse myself from the room so I could sob in the bathrooms.
Now my day just went to hell because one of my good friends basically just chewed me out for no good reason, told me all my friends were looking at me the same way, and told me to go to hell.
I hate.
Will continues to piss me off. Today, at lunch, I looked up to see him chewing on Nikkita's neck in a sexual manner... Nikkita's dating someone. Will's got two girlfriends: one local, one long distance. Apparently the local is a fuck buddy and the long distance chick is his one and only true love. *cough*bullshi
*Sighs* Stephen and I were pretty close, too. Called him my little brother and he called me "big sis". Now this.
I fucking hate you, Will. I regret you'll never see this text. Oh well. I'll just have to tell you in person. Again. And again. And again. And again, until you finally get the message. Then I'll hit you. Hard. Across the face. With something hard. That'll leave splinters. You fucking bastard.
I need a hug. -_-
. . . fuck. I just wrote a really long entry, and now it's gone. Oh well.
Well. I've got SOMETHING that's contageous. John's already starting to feel it. e.e; Didn't even so much kiss him when I saw him Sunday. Geez. And Nikkita, Jacob, and Jennifer came to see me today, because I've missed two days of school. Yay, I'm loved. ^_^ They're probably going to get it now, though... But that's okay, because I'm going to school tomorrow. I plan on coughing REALLY hard on my drama teacher. I hope I get chunks of goo on his face. Bastard.
eeeeeeeeeeeeee
Found my John. He was hiding out in his depression.
Almost went psychotic not that long ago, and managed to save myself with fake blood. The result is evident in the main room of my house. e.e; *Sigh*
I'm such a freak.
Still no word from John.
I want my John. ;_; *Cries* I'm sore, lonely, and in need of a hug. And I haven't heard from him in a while, so I'm kinda worried... I'm afraid he's been kidnapped by rabid squirrels. o_O;
I just realized how very possessive I can be. o.o; I was looking through John's account, and he mentioned an ex... And I realized I was feeling somewhat angry and my eye was twitching. ;>_> I got to thinking about it and realized I'm not too comfortable with the fact that he still has a picture of Andrea in his room... Also realized that if I ever saw him talking to any of his ex's, I would probably be very bitter. VERY bitter. Aloud. I don't think I'd be very nice at all. And if she didn't realize I was his girlfriend and started flirting with him...
Death.
Slow and painful death.
With blood everywhere.
In short... MINE. >_O
Geez, I'm a psycho bitch... maybe I SHOULD take my Paxil. o.O; Or work on it. Or something. I dunno. Maybe it's healthy? I'll have to talk to Dr. Baker about it.
*yawn* Anyways, I have to get up in two hours.
... *SIGH* stayed up too late again. dammit. Oh well. *shuffles off*
Someone shoot me. It's 2:16 in the morning and some eleven year old kid in the UK is trying to convince me to cyber with him.
Grr. I'm in Tennessee. I just spent a good part of the day with family I didn't recognize.
I miss John. A lot.
We go home tomorrow. We have to get up early so Beth can be at work by four pm.
My sister pissed me off today. I told my aunt what happened with my stepfather, and my sister pretty much accused me of making it up to get him in trouble because I "couldn't get free cigarettes"... Not true. I fucking hate her sometimes. I've told her my motives for staying in that house, and she refuses to believe me. *shrugs and sighs* She can think what she will of me, I don't care. Only one person's opinion matters to me... And I think he knows who he is. ^_^
Urg, migraine. x_x;
Well, I'd better get going. I need to update my livejournal and take something for my head.
-Tegan
I figured the name was fitting. I'd stay and make a long, long entry to make my diary happy, but I have to get up in an hour and a half. Grr. At least I stayed long enough to post some pictures. Rawr.
Love to the Creasman.
-Tegan