hm. Fuck it. Just fuck it. Fuck it all.

hmm... Tasteless pictures and overly immature actions, memory failures and malnutrition. What the hell is wrong with me?
I haven't really eaten in three days. ... Still not hungry. Kinda disgusted in myself. I wonder what I can do to give myself some self-worth, something to make me feel like my existence is justified. Hm. Clean my room? Sure does need it. ... Then again, I might take a nap and soak in the feelings of uselessness and self-hatred. The latter is probably more likely.
I need a CAR, I need a JOB. Then I could at least make money and go to WalMart so I can blow it on candy whenever I start feeling shitty.
... BETH had her license at my age... Maybe I'm not smart enough to pass? Nah... Something else. Something else I'm missing, lacking... Not putting enough effort into... Something that's not perfect that should be.
... Shouldn't slip back into that attitude. I don't really understand why I am. Yeah, I've been a little upset lately, but that shouldn't bring me back to the attitude of "Beth is perfect, I should be, I never will be, I'm just a useless piece of shit that'll never amount to anything... and has mental problems, to boot."
Damn, every time I think I don't need my Paxil, something like this happens to convince me I'm not stable at all without it. My psychiatrist would probably laugh his ass off at me if I told him I didn't need it anymore.
I've been irritable, rash, my chest aches, I've been ill, exhausted, I run out of energy quickly, I'm not sleeping well...
If this isn't PMS I'm going to scream.

Dead tired. got roughly half an hour of sleep last night, went to school, stayed awake, worked hard, got home, went to Tae Kwon Do early, worked out as hard as I could, got light-headed and shakey, kept going, came home, worked on my English project, goin' to bed, dammit.

cold and hungry...

Had a pretty good day.
John was posing shirtless in front of me, today, and I thought I saw what looked like a hickey on his left collar bone. Now, I haven't really had the chance to suck on him for about a week and a half, maybe longer. Not sure.
After realizing that he appeared to have a hickey on his collar bone, before I could stop him and look closer, he had already gone back to his room to get a shirt. I'm not really sure how long I stood there in shock. My eyes watered, but I didn't cry, because I realized that if he DID cheat on me, in any form or fashion, he'd tell me up front, 'cause if he DID cheat on me, it'd mean he had no respect or feeling for me at all.. Or, at least, enough respect to tell me, to my face, what I deserve to know. But... I had to make sure. After what seemed like a split second of eternity, I followed John into his room, and asked him, "If you did cheat on me... Would you tell me?" Not to hear the answer I already knew: "Of course. [enter stories of exgirlfriends and cheating here]", but to see his reaction. He was confused, mostly. It's hard to read John, though. He has so much of his father in him. But then, he also has a lot of his mom in him. So. He's got quite the mix. *sighs* So it could very well be that I'm no closer to having the question answered than I was when it first came to mind. In fact, it's very likely. So... I'm going to do the one thing I can do...

I'm going to trust him.

I don't really know what'd happen if he broke that trust; my heart. I really don't know.

Mercy?

oh yeah, forgot to mention that at TKD class, I took several hits to the head, a couple to my plexus, one side kick to the gut and one round kick to the ribs.

I hurt.

rawrgh. I'm so tired. And so stressed. I spent my fourth block class attempting to teach special ed. students how to draw. Step-by-step pictures are definately NOT for those that have problems drawing lightly and following simple directions. I spent my evening teaching a four year old white belt his one steps. At the end of class, I saw him awarded his stripe for showing he new those one steps. I was so proud. ^_^
... I'm sorry to say that I got a LOT mre out of teaching the four year old. e_e;
... Or am I sorry?
meh. My back hurts and I stink. I'm getting in the shower then going to bed. >_<

I... have the urge to make out with John until my lips go numb.

Holy crap I hurt.

But it's a GOOD hurt. ^^;

Feels like menstrual cramps, but it's from rough sex with a certain John, who has a big penis. Hee hee. ^^ ooooh, purr.

I went to the GYN today, the "Magic Fingers" Doctor. I wasn't violated in any new way. They had me pee in a cup (nothing new, thanks to the numerous amounts of UTIs I get per year), they asked a bunch of embarrassing questions (dr: "Are you sexually active? How often? Do you use protection? How hard?" me: o_O; ), stuck me with a needle for a thyroid test... The results of the urine test came in, I'm NOT preggers (always nice to know), the lab results for my blood should be in tomorrow or the next day... And they put me on The Pill. Sweet. That stuff keeps you from ovulating until the time is right... so... there's no egg to fertilize...
Unprotected sex, here I come! (no pun intended o_O)
heh, more than likely not. John'd freak if the slightest amount of his fluid got in me.

oh god it hurts!

Sweet! :D

rough sex = yummy

well. I should go to sleep. x_x; Still got school tomorrow.

Holy crap I'm sore. I worked out a lot last night, and, surprisingly enough, it's not my arms or gut that hurt... And I worked those out the most. What REALLY hurts is my back... probably because it was kinda puny to begin with, but I've always had problems with it. "What's this? Stress? TENSE! What, exercise? TENSE! bwahahaha!" Stupid back.

Well. John randomly appeared in my room around ten o'clock so he could see me. I was sort of half-asleep, and didn't notice something was wrong until he was hanging his head and not saying anything. He told me that he got fired, and that he felt as though he had failed the both of us. He had always told me he was working for his "Chinchillas and sexy Tegan". I don't think I realized just how much that job meant to him until he lost it.
I'm almost considering going down to the place and shooting the twerp that fired him, since I know where it is, now. However, 's illegal, and John doesn't want me to, 'cause eventually he wants to be able to rub their face in the fact that he's famous and they're dirt.
I worry about him so much. That job meant so much to him, and he really needed the money.
And I have a throbbing headache in my right temple. x_x aaarrrrgh.
Well. I need to go. I still have to finish my workout and take a shower and shave, 'cause I have a "Magic Fingers" doctor appointment tomorrow. e.e;
I am NOT looking forward to that. At all. There's only one person I'd ever allow to go probing down there, and, well, John's not licensed for that. *sighs*
Sometimes, I wish I wasn't so freaking paranoid.
Other times, I'm glad I am. ;>_>

I am not a slave.

I refuse to be... to anyone, or anything.

This includes:

cigarettes
John
my martial art
my instructors
school
myself

Slavery is for those that don't have the willpower to get themselves in order, who are too weak to do anything but take orders from others. To weak to live for themselves. To do what's truly important.

Freedom:

not yet achieved

Back home. Starving.

In Tennessee. Missing the hell out of John. *Cries* I really wanted to spend this night with him... Ah, well. I guess there's always next year. ^_^
And at least I'll be eating right when I'm up here. Gran'ma and Gran'pa always cook such lovely things... *purr* Last time I was here, I gained three pounds. Here's to hoping it happens again, 'cause I lost that three pounds not that long ago. x_x;
And there's alchoholic stuff here. Sweeeeeeet. I think I'm going to swipe some in a water bottle to take home for my John.
Tonight, I've been having problems with rambling. x_x; I sent John a little message, in which I intended to just tell him that I missed him, and it ended up being a frickin' novel of random subjects. x.x;
My father invited me to read the bible with him and my stepmother tonight. I laughed, said no, and told him I was gonna go read my book that starts out disproving the bible. Heh heh, my sister got it for me... I'm enjoying it, so far. ^_^
So one of my friends is convinced I have mercury poisoning. Says it's a neurotoxin and would explain my lapses in memory and deranged actions in said lapses. He told me about a time when I was convinced of something and ranted about it for a good long while, as he sat there wondering if I had completely lost my mind. I don't remember that. ... I DID play with mercury a lot as a kid. Mom let me. ;>_> A thermometer broke one day, and she gathered it up onto a saucer, handed it to me, and said, "here, play with this. Just don't put your fingers in your mouth until after you've washed them." And now that I think about it, I recall my father saying something about it being absorbed into the skin and still causing damage. I can't help it that mercury is g'damned fun to play with! >_< Shame that it's poisonous, ne? *shrug* oh, well. I guess I'll have to ask my psychologist about it.

My John left not that long ago. I had kinda been hoping for hugs and cuddles, but... He was plastered to the computer playing Princess Maker 2. I had already been pretty bummed out because I screwed my chance at getting a license before the new law of "you can't get it before you're eighteen" stupid law... comes into effect Monday... I turn eighteen in four months. Four. Months. I had been counting on getting it the first time I went. I was going to drive myself to TKD, hang out with Philip, go home, I could take myself to psychologist appointments, apply for work, start REALLY gaining weight... I was counting on it. Then I failed the stupid test. Went back today to try again, and they were packed. PACKED. There were hopeful teenagers EVERYWHERE.
So I've been pretty much beating myself up over it all day. Right now... I'm wanting to take it to a new level, cause some physical damage. Damage. Smoke, drink, cut... Cut... blood... *sighs* I promised I wouldn't, though, so I won't. It's be so easy, though... Got a knife in my pocket... I could easily pry a razor blade out of one of those disposable razors and just slice myself open. ... 'd be nice. Very nice. But I deny myself that pleasure. and I am HATING IT. Yeah, I hate the scars on my arms and all, but... *Sighs* can't explain it. It's a mental disorder, and I can't explain it. Someone just shoot me.
*sighs again* I'm hating myself even more for considering commiting cuddling-adultry. The only thing that kept me from that was the memory of John saying "There's no such thing as friendly cuddling".
Just... shoot me.

taking a break from that damned birthday present. Fucking hell, I had forgotten how FRUSTRATING this shit is. My hands are covered in paint, and I'm aching for a cigarette. To add to it all, my deareast John (please note the heavy sarcasm here) continued to shoot down my martial art... The one I'm going to instruct, the only one I can afford... He keeps saying he's all about me being an instructor, then he goes on about how great it'll be to say "I'm dating a martial arts instructor!" ... Is it, perhaps, for his own benifit, his social standing? Could it be that when he calls me a "sucker" for his puppy eyes, that he's talking about more than that? Could it be that he's using me, just like every other guy I've been with has done?
*sighs, shakes her head* For now, I'll refuse to believe that. But he IS confusing me. The other night, he was messing around with me, teasing me and whatnot, and Josh was at his house. He practically ordered Josh to bite my neck as he bit the other side... What confuses me about that, is that later, he said all his jealousy was focused on Josh. The hell? Was he, perhaps, giving Josh a taste of what he'll never fully have? gaah, I don't know, and I get light-headed just thinking about it. And thinking about the possibility of John using me makes me ill. Very ill. Very, very, very ill. Excuse me whilst I puke sort of ill. *sighs* Am I so gullible that I would actually believe that what I have with John is different from all the others? I'm having the same paranoid suspcisions that I had with every other guy... Perhaps it's just my low self-esteem again. the whole "I'm definately not good enough for him... He's going to cheat on me any day now, if he hasn't already" kind of thinking. The fact that a Tarrot reading said he was going to cheat on me with an ex then leave me for her doesn't help much. At all.
But nothing's really set in stone, right? Just because a Tarrot reading SAID he's going to doesn't really and truly mean he IS... He said himself he's going to be extra cautious around all his ex's, now... But that would mean he'd have reason to cheat on me in the first place...
DAMN my insecurity, DAMN it to HELL.
Shit like this is flying thorugh my head at a mile-a-minute pace... Don't know if I can take much more of this.
AND I'm taking the fucking road test tomorrow.
Not. Good.

Got a plan for my dearest John's birthday present... I only hope that I can have it finished by April. x_x; Sadly enough, it's not that hard to hide a 3'x4' canvas in my room. ;>_> ... I think it's 3'x4'.... I'm not too sure. But it's big. And hidden. Yipe, yipe, yipe. The only problem with this project... Is that I have to ask my sweetie about coloring. >_<
Rawrg, my nerves are shot. maybe I should take one of these "Stress buster" pills. says no more than two a day, so... hm. *takes six*
... *passes out*
*gets toated to hospital*
*gets stomach pumped*
*dies anyway*
... that'd be my luck.
anyways, I'm off to work on the painting as much as I can. I'll try giving my John a call tomorrow evening, but... *sighs*

Dissappointment runs through my veins. Gragh. I failed the frickin' driver's test. FAILED. dammit. I need to get my license, I need a car, so I can get a job and actually be productive... I NEED that stupid thing... It'll save John gas money, too.. *sighs* someone shoot me. I'm in desperate need of a hug from John, and he's working, to my knowledge... I guess I'll try calling him after TKD tonight. *sighs* well. I'mma go now. laters.

... I'm so dissappointed in myself. I was doing so well, so, so very well, and then I SMOKED. I smoked... God dammit, I know I'm stronger than this, I know I can do better than this... So why don't I? Perhaps it has something to do with the fact that I still sometimes believe that I'm going to fail regardless, so why try... What I don't understand... Is that after the events of last night, my will power should have increased so freaking much that it's not funny. *sighs* I dunno. I'm going to get Jacob to keep his cigarettes somewhere OTHER than on his person at all times, and I guess I'm going to have to spend money the second I get it so I don't buy cigarettes... Even if they are ultra-lights.

Well, my father washed his cars today, and I helped my stepmother steal leaves from someone else's pile so we could cover the garden and compost pile.
Insanity has officially found my family.
Anyways.. Not much else happened today. Looking forward to seeing John tomorrow. Got a yeast infection... When John screwed me last night, he was a little too rough and tore me open. Used the yeast infection medication, laid on my bed writhing and whimpering in pain, because the medicine was in open wounds and not reacting happily. Started my period today. Down below area is feeling much better already. I wonder if I should continue to use the medicine, since I'm menstrating. *shrug* I guess I will.
Miss my John. A lot. Cold hands. Hunger. Gonna eat.
Gained weight! I'm up to about 128... good stuff. My boobs are bigger, too. sweet. 'course, I AM bleeding, so... *shrug*
Well, 's all I've got for today. Gonna run and eat something, medicate myself, then go to bed.
-Tegan

Y'know, I just realized I don't tell John certain things that go through my mind because I'm afraid he'll laugh at me. *shrug* oh well.

Random quiz I found on a LiveJournal.

--8 Things I want to do before I die--
8. completely quit smoking
7. completely quit cutting
6. go to college
5. complete college
4. become a successful psychologist that can really help people
3. get married
2. start a family
1. See my children happy


--7 Ways to win my heart--
7. be accepting of all kinds of people.
6. Be free of drugs
5. Be coherent enough to realize the only thing you can do sometimes is distract me from the pain and make me laugh
4. Be responisble for your actions
3. be honest with me
2. tolerate me
1. understand me


--6 Things I believe in--
6. ghosts
5. heartache is physical pain
4. Death is stalking me
3. adrenaline rushes can be frightening
1. love


--5 Things I'm afraid of--
5. spiders
4. large bugs
3. rapists
2. pure, true silence
1. rape


--4 Of my Favorite Items in my bedroom--
4. my bed... *purr*
3. my large amount of stuffed animals
2. my sharp-pointy things
1. The perfectly balanced mess... Don't touch that, my room will fall! o_O;


--3 Things I do everyday--
3. Fantasize about killing someone
2. Booty dance
1. Think about John



About You
1. Full Name: Tegan Holly Hurst
2. Age: 17
3. Sex: female
4. Location: AL
5. Hobbies: reading, writing, TKD, drawing
6. Status: dating
7. Likes: digital cameras, cell phones, photography, long hair, dark colors, blacklights, rain, night time, glitter, red/blue/black velvet, sparkly objects, sharp pointy things, Renn. clothes, fantasy novels, impressionistic art, surrealistic art, leather, bondage...
8. Dislikes: assholes, homophobes, most Christians, George Bush, school, politicians in general, heavy drug users, stupid/ignorant people, rapists, thieves, most jocks, most preps, people who don't learn, guys that hit girls, girls that plaster their faces with make-up, make-up... there's a lot more, but I'd better not list it all.
9. Siblings: One half brother, one half sister, and one full-blood sister
10. Hair Color: blue black
11. Height: 5"6
12. Eye color: green
13. Best friends: Katie, Nikkita, John, Lance, Brian, Jacob
14. Birthday: 05/3/87
15. Car: the second I get a license.


Fashion??
1. Favorite Place To Shop: Hot Topic
2.Tatoos/piercings: soon/ears
3. Clothing Brand: uhm. whatever I find that I like?
4. Shoe Brand: Big boots in general. ^_^
5. Shoe size: 8 1/2


Specifics
1.What shampoo do you use? whatever happens to be in the bathroom. e.e;
2. Most scared of: rape
3. Last person you called: John
4. Last person that called you: Nikkita
5. Where ya wanna get married? somewhere outdoors... late spring.. *purr*
6. What would you change about yourself? breast size, self-control
7. Last person you kissed: John
8. Last person you hugged: John
9. last time you cried: today
10. last person you bitched at: Will


Favorite
1. Color: black
2. food: ramen noodles
3. subject: this semester? Drama. In general? ... art.
4. sport: *gag* the only thing I like that would even come close to a sport is martial arts
5. animal: cats, felines in general.
6. person: My John
7. family member: My mom
8. object: a teeny tiny little black pocket knife that used to be John's
9. place: in this freezing weather, someplace warm cuddling with my John, or playing with Katia's hair.
10.feeling: loved.


Ever..
1. smoked: yes
2. given a bath: can't say I have.
3. bunjee jumped: no
4. sky dived: FUCK no. never will.
5. skinny dipped: yes
6. been in love: yes
7. hated someone so much you thought about killing them: yes
8. loved someone so much, you'll never be the same: yes
9. cried to get away with something: uh, I don't think so...
10. rejected someone, then regreted it: nope.
11. been rejected: always. *shrugs* don't care anymore.
12. lied: If someone were to answer "no" to this, it would be a lie, so what's the point?
13. done a regretful thing: dur. Who hasn't? Some people just do things they regret WAY more than others
14. seen someone naked: yes.
15. jumped off of something and hurt yourself: yeah, of course. I'm a clumsy idiot.


Random
1. Where do you work? In my bedroom. For free. My client sits in the window sill and talks as I sit on my bed and listen, taking notes.
2. Are you tired of doing this? Not really. I've nothing more interesting to do. I should probably be working on my Health stuff, though.
3. Do you like this? *shrug*
4. What is your ring size? which finger, which hand? left hand index finger is a seven, middle is a... 7 1/2, I think the ring is a five, and that's all that matters. As for my right hand, it's just one half size bigger than my left. I think. not sure.
5. Where are you? my computer room
6. How long is this taking you? not very long
7. Would you like to know who made this? So I can hit them for asking this question? yes.
8. Where do you live? Alabama
9. Who do you like? John
10. What are you eating? Ice. *crunch*


Now.
1. clothes: black pants, shirt Katia got me for Christmas (*purr*), socks, boots, panties, and a sweat shirt to keep me warm
2. music: none
3. make-up: none.
4. boxers: none
5. group/band: something with a good beat, I guess. no particular favorite.
6. book: currently without reading material... *sob* Hm, maybe I'll read The Devinci Code
7. desktop pic: Some webcomic desktop picture that's all Christmasy
8. smell: lavender... *purr*purr*
9. company: a sleeping kitty.
10. odd things: *confusion*

going to sleep, now. 'cause I have to get up in six hours. ^^;

Just spent fifteen minutes in the bathroom retching. Strange. It was completely random. I didn't feel sick, or anything, just, randomly: vomit. *shrug* Not a lot came up, a lot of it was just stomach acid, so now my throat's sore. There was the occasional small brown chuck that I recognized as beef, and slimy snot-looking stuff that was grease... I'm thinking my stomach was just protesting against McDonalds.
John, I say we boycott Taco Bell and McDonalds. neither seems to be good for us.