Well, I'm starting to get healthy. Haven't eaten in two days, though, so I'm kinda curious about how the hell I'm getting better. Hmm, I should check my weight. o.O;
iieeyaa, I've only lost three pounds... nargle.
... At least I can say I have a nice figure. ;>_>

Lower ranking belts (blue and below) test tomorrow at the JCC... I have to be there to get started on something they call the "Tiger Team" which is, to my knowledge, what color belts join when they start training to be an instructor. *sighs* I have no choice in this matter. I'd love to just get my black belt and move on to something else, say, Judo... But, no. Promised I'd be an instructor. *Sighs*

bleeaah, I need a shower.

AAUGH I HAVE TO GET UP AT 6:00 THIS SATURDAY AAUGH
grrr. I test this saturday. Going for my red belt. I have to be at the Zemora temple by 7:00 AM to impress the high ranking blackbelts by being there two hours early for my testing.
I mourn. This frickin' sucks. I hate testing so early in the morning! >_< The last time I had to test that early, I was a yellow belt, and I was terrified. *sighs* I'm definately not looking forward to this. The fact that I'm approaching deathly ill doesn't help.
neither did this:
OneBadPianoDude: Break a leg on Saturday!
RAWRG!

Ate a cracker today. ... That's all. Had stuff to drink, yeah, but. Nothing to eat.
'cept for a cracker.
Not hungry. I'm sick, so I have no appietite. I probably dropped five pounds over the course of these past two days. *shrugs* No biggie.
Michael hasn't come home, yet. It's after 11:30. Maybe he died? That'd be nice. I wouldn't have to worry about locking my door anymore.
Well. I'm slightly delusional, and I'm out of stuff to ramble about.

Michael was looking at me strange, earlier. I didn't like the look on his face.

Suddenly, I am afraid.

Wow. John is REALLY good to me. He came over to my house at two frickin' thirty in the morning last night because I couldn't sleep, and he was worried about me. I have the best boyfriend ever. ^_^
I regret ever doubting him. How could I? Geez, I shouldn't be so paranoid. He's such a great guy, and I owe him a lot. Hm, what do to for him, what to do... I'll think of something.
Hum, he said he was going to Andrea's house today to het his stuff back and to take her stuff to her.

I wonder how that went.

I'm not even half as worried as I used to be. Yay! Progress! Progress to the extreme!

I've got to learn how to communicate my thoughts and feelings in person better. It's easy to talk to a psychologist, 'cause you're paying them $100 an hour to listen to you whine, but when it's your significant other and you're as confidence-lacking as I am... x_x; Yeeeaaah. ANYways, I'm getting better. I'm starting to really and truly see myself from a different perspective, instead of the small, focused part I only allowed myself to see.

Perhaps, one day soon, I'll untie that knot, and set myself free.

I didn't brood as much as I thought I would last night. I was about to sit down and eat the hell out of a package of crackers when the phone rang, and Candice wanted me to walk across the street so we could hang out at least for a few minutes. She made me feel a little better, so I was able to plop into my bed and read a humorous book and laugh.
Today I was out of it most of the time, and couldn't really concentrate... And one of my sp'ed students asked me to be his girlfriend again, and I had to carefully explain that I already HAVE a boyfriend, and I have no interest in short, hunched christian freshmen, sp'ed or not.
At any rate, Jenn drove me home, and I ended up laughing a good part of the way because she's such a frickin' pervert.
Took a shower when I got home because I was feeling really nasty. Got to TKD class early, stretched my sore muscles out as much as I could, and worked my ass off. Nearly collasped in an asthmatic heap near the end of class, because the majority of class, we were running full speeded races. blaaah, my poor lungs.
And my back is KILLING me... I'm definately going to bed soon. x_x

hm. Fuck it. Just fuck it. Fuck it all.

hmm... Tasteless pictures and overly immature actions, memory failures and malnutrition. What the hell is wrong with me?
I haven't really eaten in three days. ... Still not hungry. Kinda disgusted in myself. I wonder what I can do to give myself some self-worth, something to make me feel like my existence is justified. Hm. Clean my room? Sure does need it. ... Then again, I might take a nap and soak in the feelings of uselessness and self-hatred. The latter is probably more likely.
I need a CAR, I need a JOB. Then I could at least make money and go to WalMart so I can blow it on candy whenever I start feeling shitty.
... BETH had her license at my age... Maybe I'm not smart enough to pass? Nah... Something else. Something else I'm missing, lacking... Not putting enough effort into... Something that's not perfect that should be.
... Shouldn't slip back into that attitude. I don't really understand why I am. Yeah, I've been a little upset lately, but that shouldn't bring me back to the attitude of "Beth is perfect, I should be, I never will be, I'm just a useless piece of shit that'll never amount to anything... and has mental problems, to boot."
Damn, every time I think I don't need my Paxil, something like this happens to convince me I'm not stable at all without it. My psychiatrist would probably laugh his ass off at me if I told him I didn't need it anymore.
I've been irritable, rash, my chest aches, I've been ill, exhausted, I run out of energy quickly, I'm not sleeping well...
If this isn't PMS I'm going to scream.

Dead tired. got roughly half an hour of sleep last night, went to school, stayed awake, worked hard, got home, went to Tae Kwon Do early, worked out as hard as I could, got light-headed and shakey, kept going, came home, worked on my English project, goin' to bed, dammit.

cold and hungry...

Had a pretty good day.
John was posing shirtless in front of me, today, and I thought I saw what looked like a hickey on his left collar bone. Now, I haven't really had the chance to suck on him for about a week and a half, maybe longer. Not sure.
After realizing that he appeared to have a hickey on his collar bone, before I could stop him and look closer, he had already gone back to his room to get a shirt. I'm not really sure how long I stood there in shock. My eyes watered, but I didn't cry, because I realized that if he DID cheat on me, in any form or fashion, he'd tell me up front, 'cause if he DID cheat on me, it'd mean he had no respect or feeling for me at all.. Or, at least, enough respect to tell me, to my face, what I deserve to know. But... I had to make sure. After what seemed like a split second of eternity, I followed John into his room, and asked him, "If you did cheat on me... Would you tell me?" Not to hear the answer I already knew: "Of course. [enter stories of exgirlfriends and cheating here]", but to see his reaction. He was confused, mostly. It's hard to read John, though. He has so much of his father in him. But then, he also has a lot of his mom in him. So. He's got quite the mix. *sighs* So it could very well be that I'm no closer to having the question answered than I was when it first came to mind. In fact, it's very likely. So... I'm going to do the one thing I can do...

I'm going to trust him.

I don't really know what'd happen if he broke that trust; my heart. I really don't know.

Mercy?

oh yeah, forgot to mention that at TKD class, I took several hits to the head, a couple to my plexus, one side kick to the gut and one round kick to the ribs.

I hurt.

rawrgh. I'm so tired. And so stressed. I spent my fourth block class attempting to teach special ed. students how to draw. Step-by-step pictures are definately NOT for those that have problems drawing lightly and following simple directions. I spent my evening teaching a four year old white belt his one steps. At the end of class, I saw him awarded his stripe for showing he new those one steps. I was so proud. ^_^
... I'm sorry to say that I got a LOT mre out of teaching the four year old. e_e;
... Or am I sorry?
meh. My back hurts and I stink. I'm getting in the shower then going to bed. >_<

I... have the urge to make out with John until my lips go numb.

Holy crap I hurt.

But it's a GOOD hurt. ^^;

Feels like menstrual cramps, but it's from rough sex with a certain John, who has a big penis. Hee hee. ^^ ooooh, purr.

I went to the GYN today, the "Magic Fingers" Doctor. I wasn't violated in any new way. They had me pee in a cup (nothing new, thanks to the numerous amounts of UTIs I get per year), they asked a bunch of embarrassing questions (dr: "Are you sexually active? How often? Do you use protection? How hard?" me: o_O; ), stuck me with a needle for a thyroid test... The results of the urine test came in, I'm NOT preggers (always nice to know), the lab results for my blood should be in tomorrow or the next day... And they put me on The Pill. Sweet. That stuff keeps you from ovulating until the time is right... so... there's no egg to fertilize...
Unprotected sex, here I come! (no pun intended o_O)
heh, more than likely not. John'd freak if the slightest amount of his fluid got in me.

oh god it hurts!

Sweet! :D

rough sex = yummy

well. I should go to sleep. x_x; Still got school tomorrow.

Holy crap I'm sore. I worked out a lot last night, and, surprisingly enough, it's not my arms or gut that hurt... And I worked those out the most. What REALLY hurts is my back... probably because it was kinda puny to begin with, but I've always had problems with it. "What's this? Stress? TENSE! What, exercise? TENSE! bwahahaha!" Stupid back.

Well. John randomly appeared in my room around ten o'clock so he could see me. I was sort of half-asleep, and didn't notice something was wrong until he was hanging his head and not saying anything. He told me that he got fired, and that he felt as though he had failed the both of us. He had always told me he was working for his "Chinchillas and sexy Tegan". I don't think I realized just how much that job meant to him until he lost it.
I'm almost considering going down to the place and shooting the twerp that fired him, since I know where it is, now. However, 's illegal, and John doesn't want me to, 'cause eventually he wants to be able to rub their face in the fact that he's famous and they're dirt.
I worry about him so much. That job meant so much to him, and he really needed the money.
And I have a throbbing headache in my right temple. x_x aaarrrrgh.
Well. I need to go. I still have to finish my workout and take a shower and shave, 'cause I have a "Magic Fingers" doctor appointment tomorrow. e.e;
I am NOT looking forward to that. At all. There's only one person I'd ever allow to go probing down there, and, well, John's not licensed for that. *sighs*
Sometimes, I wish I wasn't so freaking paranoid.
Other times, I'm glad I am. ;>_>

I am not a slave.

I refuse to be... to anyone, or anything.

This includes:

cigarettes
John
my martial art
my instructors
school
myself

Slavery is for those that don't have the willpower to get themselves in order, who are too weak to do anything but take orders from others. To weak to live for themselves. To do what's truly important.

Freedom:

not yet achieved

Back home. Starving.

In Tennessee. Missing the hell out of John. *Cries* I really wanted to spend this night with him... Ah, well. I guess there's always next year. ^_^
And at least I'll be eating right when I'm up here. Gran'ma and Gran'pa always cook such lovely things... *purr* Last time I was here, I gained three pounds. Here's to hoping it happens again, 'cause I lost that three pounds not that long ago. x_x;
And there's alchoholic stuff here. Sweeeeeeet. I think I'm going to swipe some in a water bottle to take home for my John.
Tonight, I've been having problems with rambling. x_x; I sent John a little message, in which I intended to just tell him that I missed him, and it ended up being a frickin' novel of random subjects. x.x;
My father invited me to read the bible with him and my stepmother tonight. I laughed, said no, and told him I was gonna go read my book that starts out disproving the bible. Heh heh, my sister got it for me... I'm enjoying it, so far. ^_^
So one of my friends is convinced I have mercury poisoning. Says it's a neurotoxin and would explain my lapses in memory and deranged actions in said lapses. He told me about a time when I was convinced of something and ranted about it for a good long while, as he sat there wondering if I had completely lost my mind. I don't remember that. ... I DID play with mercury a lot as a kid. Mom let me. ;>_> A thermometer broke one day, and she gathered it up onto a saucer, handed it to me, and said, "here, play with this. Just don't put your fingers in your mouth until after you've washed them." And now that I think about it, I recall my father saying something about it being absorbed into the skin and still causing damage. I can't help it that mercury is g'damned fun to play with! >_< Shame that it's poisonous, ne? *shrug* oh, well. I guess I'll have to ask my psychologist about it.

My John left not that long ago. I had kinda been hoping for hugs and cuddles, but... He was plastered to the computer playing Princess Maker 2. I had already been pretty bummed out because I screwed my chance at getting a license before the new law of "you can't get it before you're eighteen" stupid law... comes into effect Monday... I turn eighteen in four months. Four. Months. I had been counting on getting it the first time I went. I was going to drive myself to TKD, hang out with Philip, go home, I could take myself to psychologist appointments, apply for work, start REALLY gaining weight... I was counting on it. Then I failed the stupid test. Went back today to try again, and they were packed. PACKED. There were hopeful teenagers EVERYWHERE.
So I've been pretty much beating myself up over it all day. Right now... I'm wanting to take it to a new level, cause some physical damage. Damage. Smoke, drink, cut... Cut... blood... *sighs* I promised I wouldn't, though, so I won't. It's be so easy, though... Got a knife in my pocket... I could easily pry a razor blade out of one of those disposable razors and just slice myself open. ... 'd be nice. Very nice. But I deny myself that pleasure. and I am HATING IT. Yeah, I hate the scars on my arms and all, but... *Sighs* can't explain it. It's a mental disorder, and I can't explain it. Someone just shoot me.
*sighs again* I'm hating myself even more for considering commiting cuddling-adultry. The only thing that kept me from that was the memory of John saying "There's no such thing as friendly cuddling".
Just... shoot me.

taking a break from that damned birthday present. Fucking hell, I had forgotten how FRUSTRATING this shit is. My hands are covered in paint, and I'm aching for a cigarette. To add to it all, my deareast John (please note the heavy sarcasm here) continued to shoot down my martial art... The one I'm going to instruct, the only one I can afford... He keeps saying he's all about me being an instructor, then he goes on about how great it'll be to say "I'm dating a martial arts instructor!" ... Is it, perhaps, for his own benifit, his social standing? Could it be that when he calls me a "sucker" for his puppy eyes, that he's talking about more than that? Could it be that he's using me, just like every other guy I've been with has done?
*sighs, shakes her head* For now, I'll refuse to believe that. But he IS confusing me. The other night, he was messing around with me, teasing me and whatnot, and Josh was at his house. He practically ordered Josh to bite my neck as he bit the other side... What confuses me about that, is that later, he said all his jealousy was focused on Josh. The hell? Was he, perhaps, giving Josh a taste of what he'll never fully have? gaah, I don't know, and I get light-headed just thinking about it. And thinking about the possibility of John using me makes me ill. Very ill. Very, very, very ill. Excuse me whilst I puke sort of ill. *sighs* Am I so gullible that I would actually believe that what I have with John is different from all the others? I'm having the same paranoid suspcisions that I had with every other guy... Perhaps it's just my low self-esteem again. the whole "I'm definately not good enough for him... He's going to cheat on me any day now, if he hasn't already" kind of thinking. The fact that a Tarrot reading said he was going to cheat on me with an ex then leave me for her doesn't help much. At all.
But nothing's really set in stone, right? Just because a Tarrot reading SAID he's going to doesn't really and truly mean he IS... He said himself he's going to be extra cautious around all his ex's, now... But that would mean he'd have reason to cheat on me in the first place...
DAMN my insecurity, DAMN it to HELL.
Shit like this is flying thorugh my head at a mile-a-minute pace... Don't know if I can take much more of this.
AND I'm taking the fucking road test tomorrow.
Not. Good.