ich... Elftown is PINK... I nearly broke into a rash when the window opened. *shudder*
I fucking hate V-Day. Hate it. With a passion. Simply because I've never been with someone I've really and truly loved on any V-Day, and the one I am.. He's WORKING! I think, in order to prevent myself from doing insanely stupid shit, I'm going to eat everything in sight.
I'm so friggin' out of it. I've been awake since eleven o'clock last night... I was hit by a bout of insomnia, and laid awake in my bed for a while, thinking "sleeeeeeeeep. Sleeeeeeeeep." Never worked. I got out of bed when Mom went to work, got in the shower, got something to eat, was ALMOST late to class (I dove into the room just as the bell rang), and was a zombie all day. Had to serve an hour of detention, then when I got home, I ate, fed the cats, and went to TKD class. Got my red belt, worked out a little, played the games my instructor made up for us (side-kick racing, woo hoo.) Came home, here I am, about to keel over. arghargharghar
Arghargharghar
Well, I had thought for a while that John was going to go to my award ceremony. He said he was going to go. But when I called him when I got home from school, he said his back pains were worse and he had changed his mind. *shrugs* No biggie. I'm sure he'll be there the second I hit black belt. The color belt awards aren't really that special anyways. The only reason I wanted him to come to this particular award ceremony was because one of my kids was getting his black belt... And we were holding the ceremony at Ryan's. I had kinda been hoping to have a sort of dinner with him so that Mama Spidle (instructor and near-mother) would finally hush about getting to know him. iieeyaa. Ah well, no worries. I'm sure she'll corner him one of these days and drill him with questions. x.x;
Well. It's midnight. I'd best be going.
SQUEEE!! I'm getting my red belt tomorrow! *joygasm* It'd be beautiful if John could be there... But, somehow, I'm doubting he will be. Not that I blame him. Award ceremonies are boooorrriiing! Nargle. It'd still be nice to see him there, since he skipped my testing to sleep. It was probably for the best, though. I had a panic attack in the middle of my testing, and if he had been there, well. Somehow, it'd've been worse. x.x;
Hmm, I just realized something. I've been taking TKD for a year, now, and not ONE of my boyfriends has come to an awards ceremony. Will went to one of my testings, but only one and it was Will. blah.
Welp, I need to go. It's 11:40 and Mom's awake and holding a bat. o.O;
*flee!*
going for red belt this saturday. haven't seen my sweetie for more than a few minutes in a while. He took me to school yesterday. I was close to half an hour late because my alarm clock was slow. yikes.
Everything hurts. An' I fucked up one of my three steps today. Made me realize just how much I needed to work on it... and didn't. Damn it. My instructors have been training me to teach instead of getting me ready for my own testing. I guess they figure I'm smart enough to be fine without it. Smarts are nothing... I just can't do a frickin' spin heel kick, god damn it. I can't do spins very well at all. I fucked up my form because I lost my balance and never really regained it. Fuck. Shit.
Shit damn fuck.
I need to go to bed. -_-
I wonder if I'm even going to see John this weekend. He's been so busy lately.
Busy, distracted, distant...
Or is it me?
Am I the one growing distant and cold, only having time for him when he doesn't have time for me?
I need sleep.
.... John's thinking of cutting his hair... Giving it serious thought... It's his decision an' all, but... but...
*cries*
Well, I'm starting to get healthy. Haven't eaten in two days, though, so I'm kinda curious about how the hell I'm getting better. Hmm, I should check my weight. o.O;
iieeyaa, I've only lost three pounds... nargle.
... At least I can say I have a nice figure. ;>_>
Lower ranking belts (blue and below) test tomorrow at the JCC... I have to be there to get started on something they call the "Tiger Team" which is, to my knowledge, what color belts join when they start training to be an instructor. *sighs* I have no choice in this matter. I'd love to just get my black belt and move on to something else, say, Judo... But, no. Promised I'd be an instructor. *Sighs*
bleeaah, I need a shower.
AAUGH I HAVE TO GET UP AT 6:00 THIS SATURDAY AAUGH
grrr. I test this saturday. Going for my red belt. I have to be at the Zemora temple by 7:00 AM to impress the high ranking blackbelts by being there two hours early for my testing.
I mourn. This frickin' sucks. I hate testing so early in the morning! >_< The last time I had to test that early, I was a yellow belt, and I was terrified. *sighs* I'm definately not looking forward to this. The fact that I'm approaching deathly ill doesn't help.
neither did this:
OneBadPianoDud
RAWRG!
Ate a cracker today. ... That's all. Had stuff to drink, yeah, but. Nothing to eat.
'cept for a cracker.
Not hungry. I'm sick, so I have no appietite. I probably dropped five pounds over the course of these past two days. *shrugs* No biggie.
Michael hasn't come home, yet. It's after 11:30. Maybe he died? That'd be nice. I wouldn't have to worry about locking my door anymore.
Well. I'm slightly delusional, and I'm out of stuff to ramble about.
Michael was looking at me strange, earlier. I didn't like the look on his face.
Suddenly, I am afraid.
Wow. John is REALLY good to me. He came over to my house at two frickin' thirty in the morning last night because I couldn't sleep, and he was worried about me. I have the best boyfriend ever. ^_^
I regret ever doubting him. How could I? Geez, I shouldn't be so paranoid. He's such a great guy, and I owe him a lot. Hm, what do to for him, what to do... I'll think of something.
Hum, he said he was going to Andrea's house today to het his stuff back and to take her stuff to her.
I wonder how that went.
I'm not even half as worried as I used to be. Yay! Progress! Progress to the extreme!
I've got to learn how to communicate my thoughts and feelings in person better. It's easy to talk to a psychologist, 'cause you're paying them $100 an hour to listen to you whine, but when it's your significant other and you're as confidence-lac
Perhaps, one day soon, I'll untie that knot, and set myself free.
I didn't brood as much as I thought I would last night. I was about to sit down and eat the hell out of a package of crackers when the phone rang, and Candice wanted me to walk across the street so we could hang out at least for a few minutes. She made me feel a little better, so I was able to plop into my bed and read a humorous book and laugh.
Today I was out of it most of the time, and couldn't really concentrate... And one of my sp'ed students asked me to be his girlfriend again, and I had to carefully explain that I already HAVE a boyfriend, and I have no interest in short, hunched christian freshmen, sp'ed or not.
At any rate, Jenn drove me home, and I ended up laughing a good part of the way because she's such a frickin' pervert.
Took a shower when I got home because I was feeling really nasty. Got to TKD class early, stretched my sore muscles out as much as I could, and worked my ass off. Nearly collasped in an asthmatic heap near the end of class, because the majority of class, we were running full speeded races. blaaah, my poor lungs.
And my back is KILLING me... I'm definately going to bed soon. x_x
hm. Fuck it. Just fuck it. Fuck it all.
hmm... Tasteless pictures and overly immature actions, memory failures and malnutrition. What the hell is wrong with me?
I haven't really eaten in three days. ... Still not hungry. Kinda disgusted in myself. I wonder what I can do to give myself some self-worth, something to make me feel like my existence is justified. Hm. Clean my room? Sure does need it. ... Then again, I might take a nap and soak in the feelings of uselessness and self-hatred. The latter is probably more likely.
I need a CAR, I need a JOB. Then I could at least make money and go to WalMart so I can blow it on candy whenever I start feeling shitty.
... BETH had her license at my age... Maybe I'm not smart enough to pass? Nah... Something else. Something else I'm missing, lacking... Not putting enough effort into... Something that's not perfect that should be.
... Shouldn't slip back into that attitude. I don't really understand why I am. Yeah, I've been a little upset lately, but that shouldn't bring me back to the attitude of "Beth is perfect, I should be, I never will be, I'm just a useless piece of shit that'll never amount to anything... and has mental problems, to boot."
Damn, every time I think I don't need my Paxil, something like this happens to convince me I'm not stable at all without it. My psychiatrist would probably laugh his ass off at me if I told him I didn't need it anymore.
I've been irritable, rash, my chest aches, I've been ill, exhausted, I run out of energy quickly, I'm not sleeping well...
If this isn't PMS I'm going to scream.
Dead tired. got roughly half an hour of sleep last night, went to school, stayed awake, worked hard, got home, went to Tae Kwon Do early, worked out as hard as I could, got light-headed and shakey, kept going, came home, worked on my English project, goin' to bed, dammit.
cold and hungry...
Had a pretty good day.
John was posing shirtless in front of me, today, and I thought I saw what looked like a hickey on his left collar bone. Now, I haven't really had the chance to suck on him for about a week and a half, maybe longer. Not sure.
After realizing that he appeared to have a hickey on his collar bone, before I could stop him and look closer, he had already gone back to his room to get a shirt. I'm not really sure how long I stood there in shock. My eyes watered, but I didn't cry, because I realized that if he DID cheat on me, in any form or fashion, he'd tell me up front, 'cause if he DID cheat on me, it'd mean he had no respect or feeling for me at all.. Or, at least, enough respect to tell me, to my face, what I deserve to know. But... I had to make sure. After what seemed like a split second of eternity, I followed John into his room, and asked him, "If you did cheat on me... Would you tell me?" Not to hear the answer I already knew: "Of course. [enter stories of exgirlfriends and cheating here]", but to see his reaction. He was confused, mostly. It's hard to read John, though. He has so much of his father in him. But then, he also has a lot of his mom in him. So. He's got quite the mix. *sighs* So it could very well be that I'm no closer to having the question answered than I was when it first came to mind. In fact, it's very likely. So... I'm going to do the one thing I can do...
I'm going to trust him.
I don't really know what'd happen if he broke that trust; my heart. I really don't know.
Mercy?
oh yeah, forgot to mention that at TKD class, I took several hits to the head, a couple to my plexus, one side kick to the gut and one round kick to the ribs.
I hurt.
rawrgh. I'm so tired. And so stressed. I spent my fourth block class attempting to teach special ed. students how to draw. Step-by-step pictures are definately NOT for those that have problems drawing lightly and following simple directions. I spent my evening teaching a four year old white belt his one steps. At the end of class, I saw him awarded his stripe for showing he new those one steps. I was so proud. ^_^
... I'm sorry to say that I got a LOT mre out of teaching the four year old. e_e;
... Or am I sorry?
meh. My back hurts and I stink. I'm getting in the shower then going to bed. >_<
I... have the urge to make out with John until my lips go numb.
Holy crap I hurt.
But it's a GOOD hurt. ^^;
Feels like menstrual cramps, but it's from rough sex with a certain John, who has a big penis. Hee hee. ^^ ooooh, purr.
I went to the GYN today, the "Magic Fingers" Doctor. I wasn't violated in any new way. They had me pee in a cup (nothing new, thanks to the numerous amounts of UTIs I get per year), they asked a bunch of embarrassing questions (dr: "Are you sexually active? How often? Do you use protection? How hard?" me: o_O; ), stuck me with a needle for a thyroid test... The results of the urine test came in, I'm NOT preggers (always nice to know), the lab results for my blood should be in tomorrow or the next day... And they put me on The Pill. Sweet. That stuff keeps you from ovulating until the time is right... so... there's no egg to fertilize...
Unprotected sex, here I come! (no pun intended o_O)
heh, more than likely not. John'd freak if the slightest amount of his fluid got in me.
oh god it hurts!
Sweet! :D
rough sex = yummy
well. I should go to sleep. x_x; Still got school tomorrow.