Well, I'm warming to the use of the word "baby"... as a nickname, at least. John's called me that a couple of times, and I've NEVER let anyone call me that, nor have I ever called anyone "baby"... until now..
Last night I nearly died in TKD class. We started class by running around the gym a couple of times, full speed, and I had been foolish enough to not use my inhaler before hand. So before we even started stretching, I was on the verge of death. T_T; We stretched, I could breathe.. a little easier, but in the middle of forms I was about to pass out so I had to ask my instructor if I could be excused for a moment. ;>_>
I'm stupid, like that. I'll push myself WAY past my limits, keep going and not tell anyone. However, if I start having a panic attack, I'll drop my pride and say, "hey, I think I need to sit down... I'm shaking enough to be an efficient drink-mixer. e.e;" Other than that, no. I'd feel... girly. Pathetic.
Weak.
I think it's because I want nothing more than to excel in something that my sister isn't. I mean... geez, she draws better than I do, she made better grades than I make, everybody loves her, no one thinks she's "easy", she's kept a boyfriend for over four years now, she's not a cutter, never has been, never will be, and the fact that she attempted suicide three times never phased anyone. Except me.
When people look at me, they see the scars on my arms, the bad grades, the half-finished drawings I threw away because they weren't good enough. They see a violent little girl who "just needs a good beating" (-stepmother's father, in response to her whining about how dangerous I am), who can't do anything right, who can't keep her room clean keep a boyfriend, her head out of the clouds and, apparently, her legs shut. Maybe I DO do things for attention. If I do, it's subconcious. Maybe a part of me is screaming, as John said, once, but I doubt it's for 'help'...
Notice the girl in the corner, the shadows, with the set expression of apathy. Notice the silent scream tearing from her eyes, screaming, screaming for...
For someone to simply understand.

*Sighs* I've been thinking too much on the wrong things again. Someone shoot me. -_-;

Well, lessee. My sister's a psycho-bitch, and I've been torn open in three different places on VERY tender flesh. *sigh*

... meh. John said he'd try to spend more time with me. Apparently the key word here is "try". e.e; I got a message from him saying he's off tomorrow, and he's not going to his martial arts class, but he's not going to hang out with me because I have TKD. e.e;
grr, I say.
I've got induced hormones rampaging through my body because I just started taking my birth control pills... And the strange hormones are having an even stranger effect on the hormones already hanging around, and the result, is, well, not only the lack of ovulation, but the same basic thing as a cat in heat.
YOOWWLL!!

ugh, and more drama is unfolding between my friends. Bleah, this is worse than a soap opera. Soon someone's going to get cancer, someone else'll have a tumor, one of the chicks'll be pregnant with one of three guy's baby... For once, though, I feel detatched. wheeee, freedom. ^^ Until, of course, someone comes to me begging for help. Hmm, would it be heartless of me to refuse, since they got themselves in this mess?
Selfish, maybe?
*Shrug*
...
YOWL

Oh yeah, forgot to mention. Somewhere in the past week, I lost ten pounds. So, I'm now riding at a (hopefully) steady 115, so I'm fifteen pounds underweight. argh.

's 1:28 in the morning. According to the little thermometer beside me, it's 71 degrees in here. But it feels more like fifty. An' I'm cold. *shiver*shiver* I miss my John, too. Apparently one of his chinchillas gave birth, an' I feel like a little kid who suddenly has a little brother/sister. T_T; In short, a little ignored. e.e; But that's okay. I understand. If one of my cats gave birth, I'd be so busy trying to keep those kittens alive it's not funny. x.x; 'course, John could still come over at any time, 'cause he has a car. I don't. So if I wanted to see John, and he was too busy to come see me, I'd have to either bum a ride from someone, ride my bike, or walk. or sit on my ass at home at brood. More than likely the latter, 'cause he lives too far away for it to be a comfortable walk. x.x;
I started my birth control, today. I think I can feel it doing something, 'cause I don't feel too good, my stomach is confused, and I feel strangely light headed. x.x;
Well, I suppose I should probably go and get some sleep, considering the fact my alarm clock is going to go off in five hours. >_<
This day... will probably suck.

Sukhoi3714: Worst game ever = Bad Dudes
Sukhoi3714: ''The President has been kidnapped by NINJAS. Are you a bad enough dude to save the President?''
Rayne0fBl00d: '_';
Sukhoi3714: Then it drops you off in a funhouse(whatever the level was, it looked like a funhouse) and has you fight ninjas with red shoes
Rayne0fBl00d: '_';
Sukhoi3714: Then, the final boss is a ninja with gold shoes LIEG OMG!
Rayne0fBl00d: '_';;
NuckifuBuckpimp: XD
Sukhoi3714: Then the President, who looks like Ronald Reagan fused with George Bush Sr., comes out and says, and I quote:
Rayne0fBl00d: cheeeeeeeeeeeee-zeeeeeee
Sukhoi3714: ''Congratulations for saving me, you truly are a bad dude. Have a hamburger.''
Rayne0fBl00d: .  .  .
NuckifuBuckpimp: XD really?
Sukhoi3714: Then he gives you a half-eaten taco and the credits roll.
Rayne0fBl00d: have a... hamburger...
NuckifuBuckpimp: LOLOLZ
Rayne0fBl00d: .... taco....
Rayne0fBl00d: WTF?!
Sukhoi3714: I played the game and literally felt years peel off my lifespan
Rayne0fBl00d: lmao
Sukhoi3714: And the game mechanics itself are so bad
Sukhoi3714: Your ''bad dude'' is like 3 cm tall
Sukhoi3714: And each ninja is twice your size.
Sukhoi3714: When you punch the ninjas
Sukhoi3714: Your fist goes forward one inch
Sukhoi3714: I call it ''The Glass Fist of Fragility''
Rayne0fBl00d: '_';
Sukhoi3714: You can hit a ninja and your hand will fuse into the ninja's body, you will be stunned, then the ninja will jump kick your face with his mighty red shoe
NuckifuBuckpimp: XD
Sukhoi3714: Then you'll watch half your life go down.
NuckifuBuckpimp: THE COMMUNIST SHOE!
Sukhoi3714: Then another ninja will randomly spawn right above you, land on you, and you will die
Rayne0fBl00d: ....
NuckifuBuckpimp: XD
Sukhoi3714: I felt like running through the arcade busting skulls open with a lightgun off House of the Dead

John sent me a pretty mushy message. I'm all giddy and happy now. *purr* No amount of material items bought from a store could equal this feeling. ^^
Was that, perhaps, the ultimate ass-kissing? *shrug* Maybe, but more than likely not. Didn't have the feel of ass-kissing.
Just... purr. ^^

Argharghargh, I'm still not used to my glasses.. o_O I keep getting random headaches because I'm not used to the way the world moves about when I turn my head too fast. x.x;
Well, I'm off. I haven't showered since this time yesterday, and I feel pretty... grungy. bleah. and I seriously need to shaaaaaaave O_O;;

I've been thinking too much again.

I wonder what it means, exactly, to be loved? The question generally asked is "Do you believe in true love?" what's the difference between true love and just love in general? Does one last longer than the other, perhaps? Maybe the question should be "Do you believe in love?" Is it, perhaps, just the compatibility of two people, the ability to stand being around each other for more than five minutes at a time? Or is it just that you like someone so much that you wouldn't mind spending the rest of your life with them?
What does it mean, exactly, when you're willing to give up everything for someone at a moment's notice? Is it love, or something bordering on obsession? Where is the line drawn?
What does it mean, exactly, when your significant other has no time for you and never says he loves you anymore, and when he responds to you with a "love you too", he doesn't seem very serious about it?
Paranoia? Perhaps just a fleeting romance? Unintentional lies?
How can you really tell if they still care?
What is the ultimate sacrifice?
What does it mean when you are consumed with worry for a single person, and you can't sleep because of it?
When does one come to the point of no return, and, is there really such a thing when it comes to the heart?
More than likely not, but it surely feels like it.
What does it mean when he haunts your thoughts and dreams, and you can't get him out of your head no matter how hard you try? What does it mean when you can't concentrate on things because of the worries, fears, and thoughts?
What does it mean, exactly, when a certain spark in his eye that was there the night you met him is no longer there five months later?
... What does it mean when he wonders aloud how long the relationship has gone on, and remarks casually that it'll be six months in April?
Does it mean he's getting tired of it? That he thinks it's gone on for long enough?

There's at least one thing I know for certain...

I need to stop thinking. -_-;

So I just spent about half an hour looking at pictures of aborted fetuses... Including aborted babies in buckets, tupperware, proportioned against roses *glances at the rose on her computer deak*, dead baby heads held in gloved hands, 8 week old bloody limps spread out, organs visable, blood staining the towel around the impossibly small corpse.. Something about salt poisoning, injected into the uterus, causing the unborn baby great pain, and early birth... live birth, while they just kinda wait for it to die. There were pictures of blackened bodies, wax-like features, gore-covered gloves clutching the entire arm (joint included) of a fetus, because they have a tendancy to pull them out bit by bit, pictures of seperated, small, curled limbs, most covered in blood, closeups up faces, the eye area blackened with premature death, small bodies a burning kind of red, apparently from the saltine poison...

well. I'm tired and my back hurts and I want to go to bed. An' I'm frustrated, mostly at myself. It seems that John is distancing himself from me, and I had the chance to tell him in person the other night, and I didn't because I friggin' thought he was going to laugh at me.
Apparently that's the one thing I never got over. I still just can't take people laughing at me.
I need to go. -_-

ich... Elftown is PINK... I nearly broke into a rash when the window opened. *shudder*
I fucking hate V-Day. Hate it. With a passion. Simply because I've never been with someone I've really and truly loved on any V-Day, and the one I am.. He's WORKING! I think, in order to prevent myself from doing insanely stupid shit, I'm going to eat everything in sight.

I'm so friggin' out of it. I've been awake since eleven o'clock last night... I was hit by a bout of insomnia, and laid awake in my bed for a while, thinking "sleeeeeeeeep. Sleeeeeeeeep." Never worked. I got out of bed when Mom went to work, got in the shower, got something to eat, was ALMOST late to class (I dove into the room just as the bell rang), and was a zombie all day. Had to serve an hour of detention, then when I got home, I ate, fed the cats, and went to TKD class. Got my red belt, worked out a little, played the games my instructor made up for us (side-kick racing, woo hoo.) Came home, here I am, about to keel over. arghargharghargharghargh. =_=;

Argharghargharghargh... I'm going to be deathly tired when I finally get home tomorrow... Thanks to the massive amounts of tardies I racked up over these weeks (haha, they only noticed three! >:D) I finally got detention tomorrow. I'll be serving an hour thereof tomorrow. So I'll be getting home from school around 4:15 or 4:30, depending on whether or not someone remembers to pick me up. -_-; After that I'll be heading to TKD, gotta leave for that at five... I'll get back at seven something, and then... I will keel over.
Well, I had thought for a while that John was going to go to my award ceremony. He said he was going to go. But when I called him when I got home from school, he said his back pains were worse and he had changed his mind. *shrugs* No biggie. I'm sure he'll be there the second I hit black belt. The color belt awards aren't really that special anyways. The only reason I wanted him to come to this particular award ceremony was because one of my kids was getting his black belt... And we were holding the ceremony at Ryan's. I had kinda been hoping to have a sort of dinner with him so that Mama Spidle (instructor and near-mother) would finally hush about getting to know him. iieeyaa. Ah well, no worries. I'm sure she'll corner him one of these days and drill him with questions. x.x;
Well. It's midnight. I'd best be going.

SQUEEE!! I'm getting my red belt tomorrow! *joygasm* It'd be beautiful if John could be there... But, somehow, I'm doubting he will be. Not that I blame him. Award ceremonies are boooorrriiing! Nargle. It'd still be nice to see him there, since he skipped my testing to sleep. It was probably for the best, though. I had a panic attack in the middle of my testing, and if he had been there, well. Somehow, it'd've been worse. x.x;
Hmm, I just realized something. I've been taking TKD for a year, now, and not ONE of my boyfriends has come to an awards ceremony. Will went to one of my testings, but only one and it was Will. blah.
Welp, I need to go. It's 11:40 and Mom's awake and holding a bat. o.O;
*flee!*

going for red belt this saturday. haven't seen my sweetie for more than a few minutes in a while. He took me to school yesterday. I was close to half an hour late because my alarm clock was slow. yikes.
Everything hurts. An' I fucked up one of my three steps today. Made me realize just how much I needed to work on it... and didn't. Damn it. My instructors have been training me to teach instead of getting me ready for my own testing. I guess they figure I'm smart enough to be fine without it. Smarts are nothing... I just can't do a frickin' spin heel kick, god damn it. I can't do spins very well at all. I fucked up my form because I lost my balance and never really regained it. Fuck. Shit.
Shit damn fuck.
I need to go to bed. -_-
I wonder if I'm even going to see John this weekend. He's been so busy lately.
Busy, distracted, distant...
Or is it me?
Am I the one growing distant and cold, only having time for him when he doesn't have time for me?
I need sleep.

.... John's thinking of cutting his hair... Giving it serious thought... It's his decision an' all, but... but...

*cries*

Well, I'm starting to get healthy. Haven't eaten in two days, though, so I'm kinda curious about how the hell I'm getting better. Hmm, I should check my weight. o.O;
iieeyaa, I've only lost three pounds... nargle.
... At least I can say I have a nice figure. ;>_>

Lower ranking belts (blue and below) test tomorrow at the JCC... I have to be there to get started on something they call the "Tiger Team" which is, to my knowledge, what color belts join when they start training to be an instructor. *sighs* I have no choice in this matter. I'd love to just get my black belt and move on to something else, say, Judo... But, no. Promised I'd be an instructor. *Sighs*

bleeaah, I need a shower.

AAUGH I HAVE TO GET UP AT 6:00 THIS SATURDAY AAUGH
grrr. I test this saturday. Going for my red belt. I have to be at the Zemora temple by 7:00 AM to impress the high ranking blackbelts by being there two hours early for my testing.
I mourn. This frickin' sucks. I hate testing so early in the morning! >_< The last time I had to test that early, I was a yellow belt, and I was terrified. *sighs* I'm definately not looking forward to this. The fact that I'm approaching deathly ill doesn't help.
neither did this:
OneBadPianoDude: Break a leg on Saturday!
RAWRG!

Ate a cracker today. ... That's all. Had stuff to drink, yeah, but. Nothing to eat.
'cept for a cracker.
Not hungry. I'm sick, so I have no appietite. I probably dropped five pounds over the course of these past two days. *shrugs* No biggie.
Michael hasn't come home, yet. It's after 11:30. Maybe he died? That'd be nice. I wouldn't have to worry about locking my door anymore.
Well. I'm slightly delusional, and I'm out of stuff to ramble about.

Michael was looking at me strange, earlier. I didn't like the look on his face.

Suddenly, I am afraid.

Wow. John is REALLY good to me. He came over to my house at two frickin' thirty in the morning last night because I couldn't sleep, and he was worried about me. I have the best boyfriend ever. ^_^
I regret ever doubting him. How could I? Geez, I shouldn't be so paranoid. He's such a great guy, and I owe him a lot. Hm, what do to for him, what to do... I'll think of something.
Hum, he said he was going to Andrea's house today to het his stuff back and to take her stuff to her.

I wonder how that went.

I'm not even half as worried as I used to be. Yay! Progress! Progress to the extreme!

I've got to learn how to communicate my thoughts and feelings in person better. It's easy to talk to a psychologist, 'cause you're paying them $100 an hour to listen to you whine, but when it's your significant other and you're as confidence-lacking as I am... x_x; Yeeeaaah. ANYways, I'm getting better. I'm starting to really and truly see myself from a different perspective, instead of the small, focused part I only allowed myself to see.

Perhaps, one day soon, I'll untie that knot, and set myself free.

I didn't brood as much as I thought I would last night. I was about to sit down and eat the hell out of a package of crackers when the phone rang, and Candice wanted me to walk across the street so we could hang out at least for a few minutes. She made me feel a little better, so I was able to plop into my bed and read a humorous book and laugh.
Today I was out of it most of the time, and couldn't really concentrate... And one of my sp'ed students asked me to be his girlfriend again, and I had to carefully explain that I already HAVE a boyfriend, and I have no interest in short, hunched christian freshmen, sp'ed or not.
At any rate, Jenn drove me home, and I ended up laughing a good part of the way because she's such a frickin' pervert.
Took a shower when I got home because I was feeling really nasty. Got to TKD class early, stretched my sore muscles out as much as I could, and worked my ass off. Nearly collasped in an asthmatic heap near the end of class, because the majority of class, we were running full speeded races. blaaah, my poor lungs.
And my back is KILLING me... I'm definately going to bed soon. x_x