. . . Baby clothes...
I wanna get maaaaarriiiiied... I wanna baaaaaby...

*singsong voice* oh, John! ^^

*snicker* naw, that's scare the hell out of the poor boy. I don't think I've ever seen someone so afraid of comitment before. It's cute. ^_^

I had an awesome day today. I got to spend some time with John, and took Candice to Century Plaza so she could buy some baby clothes... I was late to TKD, but I got there in time to do some heavy duty sparring with a black belt. ^^ Mr. Fisher was kind of upset about his exgirlfriend suddenly dating one of his friends, so he was determined to take it out of me, meanwhile I was stressed out and upset about a 37 on my Algebraic Connections midterm, as well as not getting to spend more time with John, and I was determined to take all of that out on Mr. Fisher... So it was one hell of a sparring match. ^^ Best one I ever had. He kicked my ass, I kicked his... Very good night. I had a lot of fun. ^_^

eeeeeeeek, I'm so giddy I can't sleep! Mo mis so pissed at me, but I'm still HAPPY! :D
I haven't felt like this since John and I started dating. ^^;
*bounce*bounce*bounce* I really wanna see him, Just.. be near him. Close to him. Look into his eyes, hear his voice, feel his strong, warm arms around me... *purr* I just wanna be near him. For once, sex is the farthest thing from my mind. (the world is ending o_O) Yeah, sure, he bit my neck a few times earlier today, but it didn't do much. I would kill, and smile while doing it, just to see him. ^^

*giddy* ^_^;
John never came over last night, I don't think he remembered he asked. He was dead tired when I saw him this morning, and even more so when I had to wake him up when I went to see him after school. I hope he remembers his insurance, tomorrow. yeep.
I'mma giddy, 'cause, well.
I visisted John today after school, and he told me he was writing a song.. To me. No one has EVER done something like that for me. Ever. He's this big heavy metal person, only metal-sings (which is a little more like tuneful screaming, in my opinion) but there he was, taking the time to learn how to really sing, an' he was playing a regular acustic (sp?) guitar... The tune was so beautiful... I was lost in the sound, and his eyes. He was playing guitar and looking me in the eyes... *Swoon*
*ignores the sound of a whip cracking*

wheee, John asked if he could pop over. ^_^ *thrilled*

O_O *realization*

I'm whipped!! >_<;

Nikkita told me that several of my friends didn't like the way I was changing and were already considering abandoning me for good. Something tells me she's one of them, even though she swore she wasn't.
Yeah, they can abandon me if they want. They should. It's not like I care. They could all turn their backs on me, every last one of them. They could backstab me, ignore me, openly make fun of me.
Go ahead. I'll be just fine.
Watch me. I don't need them. Any of them.
If they were planning on abandoning me in the first place, I never needed them. Ever.
The one thing that pisses me off is that Nikkita refused to tell me who it was. They told her.. HER, who I considered my best, my closest friend... It'd have been better if she had told me. It'd be better if I knew. But, instead, she tells me she knows who, tells me what they said, then refuses to tell me who. Those who have a right to know... should KNOW. I mean, yeah, there are some cases where it's better heard from the mouth of the cheating boyfriend, so to say, but there are other cases where it's just better to know from a friend. Relationships are different from friendships. It's a different kind of bond. Always better to hear from the other than from one of their friends. But when it comes to friends... friendly aquaintances...
traitors...


Melissa and Kyle. Those are two. I know it. They came over while I was at Nikkita's earlier today. Melissa looked absolutely disgusted to see me and stedfastly ignored me for at least half an hour. Even Kyle. Kyle, who disobeyed Melissa's orders and came to see me, once. Told me that he wasn't supposed to see me anymore.
I don't understand what I could have done wrong. I can't think of anything. At all. Why would Melissa suddenly turn on me? Why? What could I have possibly done? It's not like I make moves on Kyle. I have a boyfriend that I'm very happy with, and would never do anything to lose him. Ever.
I don't understand WHY.
If it doesn't really matter to me then WHY DOES IT HURT SO MUCH?!
Why does it hurt that Stephen accused me of trying to fck up his life at every chance I got? Why does it hurt that no one trusts me? Why does it hurt that they're abandoning me? Why does it feel like my heart is slowly being torn out? Why do I CARE?
I shouldn't. Shouldn't care. I've got all I need right here at home. I've got an okay house, even though it's not clean all the time, I could do something about that... I've got all my cats, even though Inky has gone missing, I have things to eat, water and milk to drink, so I can be healthy, I've got a loving mother, someone to hate right here within these very walls, something to make me afraid from time to time, I've got a car so I can go to the cemetary and think whenever I want, and sometimes John comes over. I get love, affection; I've got all I need, right here. Why should I care about anything that goes on outside of these walls, save my education?
I don't need them.
Any of them.
Just like they don't need me.

Rayne0fBl00d: All I wanted was to remain as detatched from the situation as possible.
Agemo Oryp: wel, so i kno, im fixin to do what i have to, and ill probly die while doin it
Rayne0fBl00d: you won't DIE
Rayne0fBl00d: you're a fucking teenager
Rayne0fBl00d: it's not the end of the world
Agemo Oryp: no i dont mean ill will do it
Agemo Oryp: i mean people will hunt me and and try killin me
Rayne0fBl00d: by Gaia, Stephen, you're almost as bad as an attention-starved cutter.
Rayne0fBl00d: and if, *gasp* you still considered me a friend, I'd protect you.
Rayne0fBl00d: You don't realize, Stephen
Rayne0fBl00d: I meant what I said way back when
Rayne0fBl00d: No matter how much you hurt me, I'll always be here.
Agemo Oryp: u, protect me? HA i have a better chance of livin without u in the way
Rayne0fBl00d: then who, might I ask, shall protect you from yourself.
Agemo Oryp: ya but i also realize that because i hurt u ur goin to take almost everychance u get to fuck up my life
Rayne0fBl00d: ...
Previous message was not received by Agemo Oryp because of error: User Agemo Oryp is not available.

At this point, I was blocked.
Why am I not surprisd that it's Stephen that awakens the nearly undeniable urge to cut?
Yeah, he hurt me. He hurt me BAD. He used me and avoided me for half a year... Until he got his girlfriend pregnant. I kept his Carmen secret, because I was asked to. I kept his Jessie secret, because I was asked to. I lied to one of my best friends because he asked me to. Begged me not to tell her that he cheated on her while she was pregnant with his child. I lied to her face when I probably should have told her. I let him use me as a distraction, TWICE. I let him use me, abuse me, and I have ALWAYS been there to listen when no one else would, to be there when he needed someone to talk to, to be his friend when everyone else hated him. Yeah, I got pissed at him for what he did to Candice, but I never hated him for it. In fact I think I was the only person in Leeds that didn't hate him for it. Perhaps I should have? No matter how much I gave, he always demanded more. Demanded that I distract him. Lie for him. The one time I don't take his side in something, try to point out that he seriously needs to grow up..
He accuses me of trying to fuck up his life every chance I get.

I'm sick of it.

I'm sick of always finding myself crying because of him. I'm sick of him hurting me. I'm sick of lying for him, keeping his secrets, sick of him always expecting me to agree with him no matter what, sick of his selfish ways, I'm sick of HIM.
I'm sick of feeling like I don't mean anything.

I could screw over his relationship tomorrow, if I wanted to, knowing what I know.

What I want right now, more than anything, is just to feel John pull me to him and hold me close.
The next best thing would be to hit Stephen over and over again until his corpse is a bloody mass beneath my red and dripping hands.

Cried for the first time in a while. yay, I think

hm. I'm afraid to go to sleep for fear of dreaming.


Hello, all nighter. e.e;

SQUEEE! I got my license!
My first car is a little Ford Escort that's mah baby an' I love her cause she'll go fast when I want her to and if I go 75 mph she starts rattling to let me know I'm speeding. ^^; My good girl.
Candice is going to have a little boy. She showed me the ultrasounds today, and Josh (the father) gave me a cigar. I took a puff from it, coughed, put it out, and now I'm keeping it for sentimental value.
Lessee. John woke me up around seven twenty this morning, I left thr house at ten thirty to get to school in time to buy a parking decal and whatnot. Saw Derrick, talked to him for a bit, went to school, talked to people, ate lunch, napped while propped against the radiator, went to fourth block, went into the ultra-warm closet ('cause it's filled with pipes from the boiler) and read all block. Went home. Saw ultrasounds. Woke up John. Got teased. Went to TKD, hung out with Philip (eeek, he knows where I live now, eeeek!) came home here I am.
What a beautiful day.
I have half a tank of gas left.
I got the damned car last night.
DAMMIT

Well, Thursday I came home from TKD class with my mother and my stepfather came and met us at the truck, then proceeded to accuse my mother of slipping him LSD or something, and told her he called the cops on her. Apparently he had a seizure or something and just started freaking out. Thought everyone and everything was trying to kill him. The cats included. He carved words (something about "they're trying to kill me")into the livingroom walls, and pretty much tore up one of the pannels in the livingroom... Dunno what he did it with, but I think I would have rathered he carved himself up. Preferably outside, blood is hard to get out of carpet. Anyways, couple of ambulances came and carted him off, Mom went with and told me to stay in the house. Alone. by myself. While I was shaking like a drink mixer. So, after pacing a few minutes, I did the one thing I could think of to do.
I called John.
He wanted to get me out of the house, take me over to his house. I wish I could have gone. But Mom told me to stay at the house, and it's all I could do. -_- So John came over... With Josh, Mary, two boxes of pizza and coke. ;>_>
They made me laugh and feel better in general... 'course, I started feeling better when John hugged me when he came in. He held me close and told me I was safe... and I believed him. Things were better, after that. The fact that they all stayed the night with me helped that much more, 'cause Mom didn't come home until around four AM... yarg.
It was nice, knowing a muscle man was in the room down the hall... But I think it was better knowing John was right there (snoring and drooling a little) beside me.
hm. I never feel that safe. It was nice.
Mind you, I haven't seen John since and probably won't until April somethin' or other. 10th, maybe.
Prom's the 9th. I wonder if I'll go. I don't think I care, and Nikkita's pissed at me for not caring.
I mean... Who wants to dress up, put on a layer of make-up, pay $25.00 for a hairstyle that'll fall within two hours to be miserable for part of the night trying to pretend to be friendly with people you hate? Besides, hardly anyone's going to be there... There's a baseball game that night and ACTs are that morning, so.
What's the point?
It's ONLY my senior prom.
Anyways, I need to go. I'm trying for my license again tomorrow.
*sigh* try number... FOUR.

Well, I'm warming to the use of the word "baby"... as a nickname, at least. John's called me that a couple of times, and I've NEVER let anyone call me that, nor have I ever called anyone "baby"... until now..
Last night I nearly died in TKD class. We started class by running around the gym a couple of times, full speed, and I had been foolish enough to not use my inhaler before hand. So before we even started stretching, I was on the verge of death. T_T; We stretched, I could breathe.. a little easier, but in the middle of forms I was about to pass out so I had to ask my instructor if I could be excused for a moment. ;>_>
I'm stupid, like that. I'll push myself WAY past my limits, keep going and not tell anyone. However, if I start having a panic attack, I'll drop my pride and say, "hey, I think I need to sit down... I'm shaking enough to be an efficient drink-mixer. e.e;" Other than that, no. I'd feel... girly. Pathetic.
Weak.
I think it's because I want nothing more than to excel in something that my sister isn't. I mean... geez, she draws better than I do, she made better grades than I make, everybody loves her, no one thinks she's "easy", she's kept a boyfriend for over four years now, she's not a cutter, never has been, never will be, and the fact that she attempted suicide three times never phased anyone. Except me.
When people look at me, they see the scars on my arms, the bad grades, the half-finished drawings I threw away because they weren't good enough. They see a violent little girl who "just needs a good beating" (-stepmother's father, in response to her whining about how dangerous I am), who can't do anything right, who can't keep her room clean keep a boyfriend, her head out of the clouds and, apparently, her legs shut. Maybe I DO do things for attention. If I do, it's subconcious. Maybe a part of me is screaming, as John said, once, but I doubt it's for 'help'...
Notice the girl in the corner, the shadows, with the set expression of apathy. Notice the silent scream tearing from her eyes, screaming, screaming for...
For someone to simply understand.

*Sighs* I've been thinking too much on the wrong things again. Someone shoot me. -_-;

Well, lessee. My sister's a psycho-bitch, and I've been torn open in three different places on VERY tender flesh. *sigh*

... meh. John said he'd try to spend more time with me. Apparently the key word here is "try". e.e; I got a message from him saying he's off tomorrow, and he's not going to his martial arts class, but he's not going to hang out with me because I have TKD. e.e;
grr, I say.
I've got induced hormones rampaging through my body because I just started taking my birth control pills... And the strange hormones are having an even stranger effect on the hormones already hanging around, and the result, is, well, not only the lack of ovulation, but the same basic thing as a cat in heat.
YOOWWLL!!

ugh, and more drama is unfolding between my friends. Bleah, this is worse than a soap opera. Soon someone's going to get cancer, someone else'll have a tumor, one of the chicks'll be pregnant with one of three guy's baby... For once, though, I feel detatched. wheeee, freedom. ^^ Until, of course, someone comes to me begging for help. Hmm, would it be heartless of me to refuse, since they got themselves in this mess?
Selfish, maybe?
*Shrug*
...
YOWL

Oh yeah, forgot to mention. Somewhere in the past week, I lost ten pounds. So, I'm now riding at a (hopefully) steady 115, so I'm fifteen pounds underweight. argh.

's 1:28 in the morning. According to the little thermometer beside me, it's 71 degrees in here. But it feels more like fifty. An' I'm cold. *shiver*shiver* I miss my John, too. Apparently one of his chinchillas gave birth, an' I feel like a little kid who suddenly has a little brother/sister. T_T; In short, a little ignored. e.e; But that's okay. I understand. If one of my cats gave birth, I'd be so busy trying to keep those kittens alive it's not funny. x.x; 'course, John could still come over at any time, 'cause he has a car. I don't. So if I wanted to see John, and he was too busy to come see me, I'd have to either bum a ride from someone, ride my bike, or walk. or sit on my ass at home at brood. More than likely the latter, 'cause he lives too far away for it to be a comfortable walk. x.x;
I started my birth control, today. I think I can feel it doing something, 'cause I don't feel too good, my stomach is confused, and I feel strangely light headed. x.x;
Well, I suppose I should probably go and get some sleep, considering the fact my alarm clock is going to go off in five hours. >_<
This day... will probably suck.

Sukhoi3714: Worst game ever = Bad Dudes
Sukhoi3714: ''The President has been kidnapped by NINJAS. Are you a bad enough dude to save the President?''
Rayne0fBl00d: '_';
Sukhoi3714: Then it drops you off in a funhouse(whatever the level was, it looked like a funhouse) and has you fight ninjas with red shoes
Rayne0fBl00d: '_';
Sukhoi3714: Then, the final boss is a ninja with gold shoes LIEG OMG!
Rayne0fBl00d: '_';;
NuckifuBuckpimp: XD
Sukhoi3714: Then the President, who looks like Ronald Reagan fused with George Bush Sr., comes out and says, and I quote:
Rayne0fBl00d: cheeeeeeeeeeeee-zeeeeeee
Sukhoi3714: ''Congratulations for saving me, you truly are a bad dude. Have a hamburger.''
Rayne0fBl00d: .  .  .
NuckifuBuckpimp: XD really?
Sukhoi3714: Then he gives you a half-eaten taco and the credits roll.
Rayne0fBl00d: have a... hamburger...
NuckifuBuckpimp: LOLOLZ
Rayne0fBl00d: .... taco....
Rayne0fBl00d: WTF?!
Sukhoi3714: I played the game and literally felt years peel off my lifespan
Rayne0fBl00d: lmao
Sukhoi3714: And the game mechanics itself are so bad
Sukhoi3714: Your ''bad dude'' is like 3 cm tall
Sukhoi3714: And each ninja is twice your size.
Sukhoi3714: When you punch the ninjas
Sukhoi3714: Your fist goes forward one inch
Sukhoi3714: I call it ''The Glass Fist of Fragility''
Rayne0fBl00d: '_';
Sukhoi3714: You can hit a ninja and your hand will fuse into the ninja's body, you will be stunned, then the ninja will jump kick your face with his mighty red shoe
NuckifuBuckpimp: XD
Sukhoi3714: Then you'll watch half your life go down.
NuckifuBuckpimp: THE COMMUNIST SHOE!
Sukhoi3714: Then another ninja will randomly spawn right above you, land on you, and you will die
Rayne0fBl00d: ....
NuckifuBuckpimp: XD
Sukhoi3714: I felt like running through the arcade busting skulls open with a lightgun off House of the Dead

John sent me a pretty mushy message. I'm all giddy and happy now. *purr* No amount of material items bought from a store could equal this feeling. ^^
Was that, perhaps, the ultimate ass-kissing? *shrug* Maybe, but more than likely not. Didn't have the feel of ass-kissing.
Just... purr. ^^

Argharghargh, I'm still not used to my glasses.. o_O I keep getting random headaches because I'm not used to the way the world moves about when I turn my head too fast. x.x;
Well, I'm off. I haven't showered since this time yesterday, and I feel pretty... grungy. bleah. and I seriously need to shaaaaaaave O_O;;

I've been thinking too much again.

I wonder what it means, exactly, to be loved? The question generally asked is "Do you believe in true love?" what's the difference between true love and just love in general? Does one last longer than the other, perhaps? Maybe the question should be "Do you believe in love?" Is it, perhaps, just the compatibility of two people, the ability to stand being around each other for more than five minutes at a time? Or is it just that you like someone so much that you wouldn't mind spending the rest of your life with them?
What does it mean, exactly, when you're willing to give up everything for someone at a moment's notice? Is it love, or something bordering on obsession? Where is the line drawn?
What does it mean, exactly, when your significant other has no time for you and never says he loves you anymore, and when he responds to you with a "love you too", he doesn't seem very serious about it?
Paranoia? Perhaps just a fleeting romance? Unintentional lies?
How can you really tell if they still care?
What is the ultimate sacrifice?
What does it mean when you are consumed with worry for a single person, and you can't sleep because of it?
When does one come to the point of no return, and, is there really such a thing when it comes to the heart?
More than likely not, but it surely feels like it.
What does it mean when he haunts your thoughts and dreams, and you can't get him out of your head no matter how hard you try? What does it mean when you can't concentrate on things because of the worries, fears, and thoughts?
What does it mean, exactly, when a certain spark in his eye that was there the night you met him is no longer there five months later?
... What does it mean when he wonders aloud how long the relationship has gone on, and remarks casually that it'll be six months in April?
Does it mean he's getting tired of it? That he thinks it's gone on for long enough?

There's at least one thing I know for certain...

I need to stop thinking. -_-;

So I just spent about half an hour looking at pictures of aborted fetuses... Including aborted babies in buckets, tupperware, proportioned against roses *glances at the rose on her computer deak*, dead baby heads held in gloved hands, 8 week old bloody limps spread out, organs visable, blood staining the towel around the impossibly small corpse.. Something about salt poisoning, injected into the uterus, causing the unborn baby great pain, and early birth... live birth, while they just kinda wait for it to die. There were pictures of blackened bodies, wax-like features, gore-covered gloves clutching the entire arm (joint included) of a fetus, because they have a tendancy to pull them out bit by bit, pictures of seperated, small, curled limbs, most covered in blood, closeups up faces, the eye area blackened with premature death, small bodies a burning kind of red, apparently from the saltine poison...

well. I'm tired and my back hurts and I want to go to bed. An' I'm frustrated, mostly at myself. It seems that John is distancing himself from me, and I had the chance to tell him in person the other night, and I didn't because I friggin' thought he was going to laugh at me.
Apparently that's the one thing I never got over. I still just can't take people laughing at me.
I need to go. -_-

ich... Elftown is PINK... I nearly broke into a rash when the window opened. *shudder*
I fucking hate V-Day. Hate it. With a passion. Simply because I've never been with someone I've really and truly loved on any V-Day, and the one I am.. He's WORKING! I think, in order to prevent myself from doing insanely stupid shit, I'm going to eat everything in sight.

I'm so friggin' out of it. I've been awake since eleven o'clock last night... I was hit by a bout of insomnia, and laid awake in my bed for a while, thinking "sleeeeeeeeep. Sleeeeeeeeep." Never worked. I got out of bed when Mom went to work, got in the shower, got something to eat, was ALMOST late to class (I dove into the room just as the bell rang), and was a zombie all day. Had to serve an hour of detention, then when I got home, I ate, fed the cats, and went to TKD class. Got my red belt, worked out a little, played the games my instructor made up for us (side-kick racing, woo hoo.) Came home, here I am, about to keel over. arghargharghargharghargh. =_=;