yuck. Head injuries suck major sack. I was in TKD class, and the instructor was demonstrating a takedown move on me. When he took me down, he did it harder and faster than usual, so I had no time to react... As a result, the back of my head hit the floor (carpet over cement) really hard. I was instantly dazed and felt ill. I don't think anyone really noticed I hit my head, because they asked if the wind was knocked out of me.
I didn't take the interstate home, and now I think I'm going to go lie down. Here's to hoping I didn't do any major damage.
Josh found someone to give him rides to work in the morning, so John's free to sleep, now.
So now he wants a day job.
I'm opposed to the idea, I think his health is going to suffer and he's going to get even less sleep. However, I can't do fucking shit about it and I'm not even going to try. Listen? To ME? My CONCERNS? Ludacris. Illogical.
I'm more concerned with his imminent failing health than I am about never getting to see him... I hardly see him awake as it is, now I'll just never see him at all.
In far less important news, I got my senior red belt today. By the looks of things, I'm just a testing cycle away from being a black belt.
... So, yeah, John's blameless and innocent...
and I'm a gullible idiot who jumps to conclusions. e.e; shut up and lemme alone.
I called John when I got home from school today and mentioned it, and he reassured me that he wasn't home most of the day, and had an alibi. He's off the hook, and I even went to Wal Mart and bought some flowers for him, and I plan on kissing a lot of ass. -_-;
a LOT of ass. -_-
... John. He lied to me.
it started out with a call from my stepmother, said Beth just walked out of her job and vanished. Well, I called around, asking various people if they'd seen her. I included John in that list, because she knows where he lives and there's always a chance she'd go there. He answered and said no, he hadn't seen her, and he gave me her boyfriend's cell and house number. He then he said he was going to take a nap 'cause he was tired. So I told him not to be late to work and he said not to worry because there were people there to wake him up. So I searched all of Leeds for her. I even went to Ruby Tuesdays and talked to her managers and coworkers. Around six, I got a call from Dad saying she was home and safe, so I asked where she had been.
"John's," he replied.
He lied to me.
When I think about it, when I called, he should have been the only one home.He didn't have Beth's boyfriend's numbers before. why now.
because she was THERE
he LIED to me
He always spoke of how he hated liars, despised them with a passion.
And he lied to me.
's how it always starts. I'm on the verge of losing him, aren't I. It always starts with them distancing themselves, lying... I wonder if he'll break up with me before he cheats on me.
I wonder if I'll be able to do anything other than wait for him to do it.
Probably not.
Suddenly, I'm seriously considering bleaching my hair then dying it red. Like... Red red.
I'm so fucking pathetic.
I need to spend the money in my wallet as soon as possible so I'm not tempted to buy cigarettes.
I'm having another one of those stupid "I feel like a worthless piece of shit" moments. Probably because I feel like utter shit because I can't eat fried chicken. Just the other day I was thinking about how I'd never had dinner with John's family, and tonight I had the chance and I BLEW it because I have a fucking weak stomach. Why didn't I just say, sure, I can eat fried chicken and risk spending then night in the bathroom throwing up and worse?
Worthless, worthless, worthless...
I need to binge on something but there's no food here to binge ON. Maybe raw potatoes... ugh, I dunno. I feel so sick. I think I'm just going to go to bed.
Went to John's house today, around 1:25. Left around 9:15. That's eight hours and fourty minutes. Roughly seven of those hours, John was asleep. For the first three hours, I was either watching him, petting him, attempting to sleep as well, or pacing upstairs. Around four I tried waking him up, 'cause he said at five he was going to go play video games with... his... ex brother in law? *shrug* When I tried waking him up, he just pulled me onto the couch with him and went right back to sleep. Meh. I laid there for about, eh, an hour and a half to two hours, then fell asleep and woke up at about 7:45 when his parents came home. His stepmother bitched at him a little to get his room clean (my, it sounded familiar)... eh, maybe the word is more like 'harped at'. She didn't really bitch. Anyways, he got a load of laundry started, but he seemed a little more interested in making out than cleaning his room. Maybe he needed a distraction so that he wouldn't think about how empty his room seems without his beloved chinchillas. I still can't believe his father made him get rid of them. Lessee. Then he took out the trash, and said something like, "I think I'm going to head out to Boe's." Meanwhile I'm just kinda like, ". . . T_T;" I was.. kind of invited to go, but I figured if I DID go I'd end up having to leave before too long and he would barely notice my leaving and I'd leave all upset like I usually do. e.e; I'm really getting kind of sick of him sleeping around me all the time. Oh, yeah, sure, he can wake me up at any time, no matter how much sleep I got, and oh, I'm going to STAY awake. But, no, no I can't wake him up for anything. He and I were supposed to spar today, and it would've been wonderful because it started raining during part of the day. It's exasperating. And yet I still can't get angry AT HIM. I can get miffed and irritated. I've never yelled at him, and I can't stay angry around him. I was mad at him once, because I was PMSing something awful and I was pissed all around and he was being an ass. I imagine he could tell I was angry with him by the way I flung his jacket at him and slammed the car door and stalked away without a word. He came by my house later with flowers, and I was glad it takes a while to get from my house to Josh's house to wherever he got the flowers and back to my house, 'cause otherwise he would've been able to tell I had been crying.
*sighs* It's been easier for me to cry these days. 'course, recently it's REALLY easy because my eyes are so tired. If I focus on any one thing for too long, they start watering. It's 'cause I left my contacts in for three days straight. My eyes bitched at me like never before. I had to test with my contacts in, of course, but my eyes were watering something awful. I took my contacts out as soon as I got home, but... argh, my eyes STILL hurt. >_<
At any rate, my back hurts I have a major headache my eyes hurt, as I said, I feel sick and I'm starving but I don't want to eat anything because I feel fat, and I need to tell my psychologist I think I have an eating disorder. Hmm, I wonder if John'll laugh and call me fat if I tell him. Probably.
testing went well. I didn't have to do my form over, I sparred okay, and I broke both boards. *looks at her hand* at a price. My right hand is kinda beat up. It's all bruised and the knuckle of my little finger was torn open a little. It was bleeding some at testing. ;>_> Lessee, I broke with the hand technique on the first try (Thank Goddess x.x) and the foot technique on the second try. I didn't hit it hard enough the first time. I'm reeeeaaally glad I broke 'em, though, I'd feel like shit if I no-changed because I didn't break. grr.
Looks like I'm going to be a senior red belt. Here I come, black! muahaha!
I told my father I wasn't going back to his house.
Yesterday a friend of mine attempted suicide. This morning, I called his house to see if he was there. My stepmother overheard me tell him I was coming over, and she got pissed because it wasn't discussed with her. In fact, she said, loudly, from the bathroom, "Excuse me?!" stormed into the living room, put her hands on her hips and glared at my father and said, "was this discussed?" and then was bitchy all day long. I'm hormonal from my period and the pills; I'm easily angered and upset, but she doesn't seem to care, really, as long as things go her way
I realize that was I did was very irrational and I'm probably going to regret it the rest of my life, but I couldn't take watching myself be put down and ordered about through her will.
I couldn't take it.
I'll go back to clean up my room, to take the mattress I need, and occasionally return to have dinner. But I'll never sleep there again.
Never. I can't take it any more.
Had a bad day today. Probably going to have a bad day tomorrow. I don't have anything to do. I finished my book that I was reading, and now.. there's only this stupid quiz/survey thing. I could just go to bed, but.. I'm currently enjoying keeping my sister awake.
1: Name? Tegan
2: Nickname? The Cheesegrater Chick
3: Country of living? meh. US of A.
4: Birthdate? 5/3/87
5: Length? o_O I'm just going to pretend that says 'height'... I'm 5'7 barefoot, 5'11 in my favorite boots. ^^
6: Eye color? green
7: Shoesize? 8 1/2 in womens, 7 in men's
8: School/work? school.
9: You smoke? Used to.
10: Hobbies? Tae Kwon Do, theator... attending opera, musicals, ballet... Generally, if it's on stage, I love it. I suppose you could summerize that into "active patron of the arts"... lessee, I like to write in my spare time, an' draw...
11: Brothers/Siste
12: Relationship? What about it?
13: Piercing(s)? Ears. I have an allergy to nickle, which is in most metals, so... I can't even wear earings unless they're pure silver or something.
14: Tattoo? Considering.
15: Fave Country to go to? Never been out of the country. Closest I came was Hawaii.
16: Are there people you wont reply to? eleven year olds saying things like "u want cyber i good" e_e
17: Nicest person you met this year? Nicest? hm. Probably Stine, otherwise known as hyperfisk. She's so naturally nice it's kind of frightening.
18: Person you would have rather not met? hm. I dunno. I never really regret meeting people, even peple I despise make life interesting. Where would one be without someone to hate?
19: Who would you like to meet? Elizabeth. Hm, with an s or a z? *shrug*
20: Who do you admire most? The only time you'll ever catch me with a look of admiration on my face is when I'm at a tourny and I'm watching to 'pod people' happily and easily defy gravity, or John just so happens to be bending over in front of me. ^^ Which isn't often, mind you. I think he's self concious of his nice ass.
21: Most sexy person(s)? John. Went to UAB, expected it to be deserted, apparently not everyone was on spring break. So I looked, as is my nature, but didn't see one guy that surpasses John in the sexiness area. Every guy I saw with long hair had these HUGE nasty beards... yurg! And every other almost attractive guy was... well, puny.
22: Favorite Pyjama? personally, falling asleep in the nude or panties is nice. Though I do have these big pants that are black and fuzzy and soooo comfortable ^^
23: Favorite Car? If it's got four wheels and it goes, I love it. e_e;
24: Favorite Movie(s)? eh, I dunno. I never really take favorties.
25: Favorite music? Currently, I would kill to listen to something relaxing. I'll be listening to one of my Enya CDs soon.
26: Favorite City(s)? city? Leeds, I guess. I know it better than any other and it's small, quiet, not really polluted when it comes to air, it's got trees and the people aren't that bad...
27: Favorite Plush? like... stuffed animal? I'd have to say the huge stuffed newt Katia gave me for Valentine's Day when she knew I was upset and depressed. It's huge, red, fuzzy with pink feet.
28: Favorite Perfume? perfume is always too strong. Just gimme a light body spray, like, say, cucumber melon, or Hawaiian Ginger. ^^
29: Favorite Magazine? *shrug* Bud K catalog? does that count?
30: Favorite sound? 's a tie between the sound of John snoring gently in my ear, and the sound of him waking up. ^^ hee, he grunts.
31: Favorite TV-series? ... I dun watch TV
32: Favorite Writer? Terry Prachett
33: Favorite Nickname? I don't have one. Aren't I an exciting person. e.e;
34: What is on your mousepad? *looks* two tiger cubs in front of a moon. 's Schimmel artwork. very nice.
35: What all is under your bed? At which house? here, I'm not really sure. Back at home, I'm at least sure that there's another bed and something alive, and a heap of trash.
36: Favorite color? Blacks blues purples dark greens
37: Favorite Song ever? I have one?
38: Favorite song at this moment? Currently I have Eminem's 'Mockingbird' or whatever 's called stuck in my head. I'm not enjoying this. It was on the radio earlier and I listened to it 'cause I hadn't heard it before, and now it WON'T GO AWAY
39: Favorite food? If it doesn't have more than four legs, less than two, and doesn't bite back, I'm good. to be safe, just gimme some cheese.
40: Favorite classes in school? currently? bein' a student aid. If I had to pick something other than that, and it had to be something I'm taking this semester, I'd say English, though I'm making a better grade in geometry, somehow. Overall though, it's a close tie between the art classes and the drama classes with Mr. Robbins and Mrs. Rodgers and Coach Thomas... *purr* ^^
41: Favorite drink? currently... water.
42: Lucky number? bugger the numbers! >_<
43: What do you think is greatest about yourself? *deep breath, thinks hard* ... my hair. I've got nice hair.
44: What deodorant do you use? Degree
45: Favorite shoes? mah boots. ^^
46: What time do you go to bed on workdays? whenever I feel tired. 's usually around 3:30 AM. How I survive school, I'll never know.
47: What word do you use most? The word I used the most today was "shit".
48: Most intense moment in your life? Intense? Eh, somethin' lame, like finally getting over my fear of heights when my brother John dragged me out, off of the safe rock and onto the not so safe one. Showed me how to clamber around without falling. Had me avoid water like an STD, and then had me lean over the edge and look straight down for 200 + feet.
49: Most embarassing moment in your life? sixth grade I got hit in the face with a volley ball and everyone in the gym thought it was damned hilarious.
50: You spend your time rather inside or outside? Inside, mostly. In bed with a good book and no reason to leave.... Save one.
51: What do you do in the weekends? Normally? Sit on my ass and wonder if John'll find time for me between sparring Josh, jamming with Steve-O and work. e.e
52: What class on school do/did you dislike most? anything mathematic... though I'm pullin an 82 in geometry, go me.
53: Your Breakfast? ... what is this breakfast you speak of?
54: What do you really really dislike to eat? any cooked or steamed veggies... yuk!
55: Pets? 10 cats one rabbit
56: Laugh or dream? depends on the dream.
57: Serious or funny? Depends on the company and situation.
58: Fast or slow? depends on what's being referred to. o.o;
59: You prefer being alone or have relation? Sometimes I think I'd be better off alone, but then I imagine myself alone and think, "oh, god." simply because I tend to fall apart without someone. e.e; sad, but true. Without a damned good reason, I stop taking care of myself.
60: Simple or Complicated? Simplicity..
61: Cremate or Burried when dead? Cremated. Then, my wealthy children, take me somewhere to get me heated and compressed into a shiney rock and put me on a ring with my husband.
63: Stay up late or go to bed early? Stay up late. Unless I'm exhausted.
64: Light or dark? Dark, usually, but I still find myself drawn to the bright sunlight on a warm spring day... If it's summer, though, I cringe at the sight of sun, 'cause I know I'm going to end up extra crispy. >_<;
65: Speak or Silence? Depends on the company.
66: Tall or small man/woman? Taller than me, preferably. Means Mama Spidle won't bitch about him bein' short.
67: News paper? to hit things with. ^^
68: Hug or kiss? Hugs first then kisses.
69: Happy or Sad? Happy. definately.
70: Life or Death? I vote for extreme population control. Give me an uzi and I'll take care of it.
71: Gig or Disco? *shrug*
72: Left or Right? Right?
73: Sausages on top, or on the side? Side.
74: Dark/ red/ Blonde? Dark.
75: What would you ask God if you could ask him 1 single question? hm. "If you're the only one, then where did you come from, eh?"
76: You believe in reincarnation? I guess. It's a nice thought.
77: You believe in Aliens? May as well. Why not?
78: When you die, what will be your last words? Probably something along the lines of "Don't forget to feed the cats"... though knowing my luck it's going to be something more along the lines of "oh, fuck. O_O"
79: Does true love exist? ... wouldn't it be nice...
80: How many kids would you like to have? no more than two.
81: What is the one thing you can't stand? someone talking incesently about something I don't care about at all... example, Lance talking nonstop about D&D crap that means nothing to me because I'm not a D&D player... what makes this worse is that he actually went to a D&D fanatic and started talkin, and they later came to me and said "I didn't understand half of what he said. It didn't make sense and I want to kill him."
82: Best feeling? Feeling like I'm... needed.
83: Worst feeling in the world? trapped
84: What are you afraid of? Rape, mostly.
85: Are you an emotional person? sometimes.
86: Do you ever cry during a movie? Not much anymore. I can proudly say that I am a demented freak because when I was little I didn't cry when I saw Bambi OR Old Yeller.
87: Your goal in life? To be a well respected psychologist bringing in a ton of money and making sure my children never know what it's like to root through a fridge and have to settle for a raw potato because there's nothing else.
88: What was the promise you made to yourself at new years eve? Quit smoking and do crunches every day. Well, I've done one...
89: Who's your favorite artist? eh, I dunno.
90: As what animal would you like to reincarnate? A cat. ^^
91: What is the most beautiful part on the male/female body? the torso, I think... especially the waist. Don't ask me why, I dunno. It goes for both sexes, really.
92: Most original place to ask your love to marry you? Whilst bunjee jumping. Heh. You'll never catch me jumping off a bridge, or out of an airplane. Why jump out/off of something that was meant to keep you UP?
93:What do you think of Elftown? Is nice.
94: Is there something you miss about elftown? Not... really...
95: Where did you get this question list? John's journal.
96: Besides elftown, what do you do most on your PC? maintain a social life, sadly enough. eh, and school work. Somewhere I've got a book I Was working on, but I'm seriously thinking about deleting it because the characters are pretty much dead.
97: Is there a question you missed in this all? *shrug*
Well, it's half an hour past mindnight. I guess I'm off.
Mama Spidle is on my ass about Prom. x_x; John can't (won't? *shrug* doesn't matter) go with me, so... She's bitchin' at me to find a date. I have no choice in the matter at all... I'm resorting to begging male friends. x_X; Philip is first on my list. I'm fine with it, though. Philip's an okay guy and I would kill to see him in a tux. ^^; I suppose next on my list is.. ah... hm. XD Maybe Joshi-Poo. After that, uhm. Definately not Brian, for various reasons. One, it be awkward. Two, I wouldn't ask him to place himself in that awkward of a position. Three, it's a lot to ask an ex to bust his ass to get down here before April 1st. Four, he's got a girlfriend. Five, it's unheard of, even from me. There's a line to be drawn, and there is a line I draw there... Not Brian. Or Will. Or Jacob. *shudder* RJ, I wouldn't ask, and even if I did, I would hope he refused. Stephen's got a date and currently hates my guts for no real reason... uh. crud, I don't think I have any other available male friends. o_O So my last resorts are Philip and Joshi-Poo. And Josh isn't that likely because, well, I dunno how his girlfriend would react.
Bugger! >_< If Philip can't go, I'm screwed! I can't force John into it, and I won't ever bother trying. I already know it's a lost cause. For one, he probably can't get off of work. Two, he says Proms are overrated and stupid and the second I gave him the choice, he didn't want to go, so.
*sob*
. . . Baby clothes...
I wanna get maaaaarriiiiie
*singsong voice* oh, John! ^^
*snicker* naw, that's scare the hell out of the poor boy. I don't think I've ever seen someone so afraid of comitment before. It's cute. ^_^
I had an awesome day today. I got to spend some time with John, and took Candice to Century Plaza so she could buy some baby clothes... I was late to TKD, but I got there in time to do some heavy duty sparring with a black belt. ^^ Mr. Fisher was kind of upset about his exgirlfriend suddenly dating one of his friends, so he was determined to take it out of me, meanwhile I was stressed out and upset about a 37 on my Algebraic Connections midterm, as well as not getting to spend more time with John, and I was determined to take all of that out on Mr. Fisher... So it was one hell of a sparring match. ^^ Best one I ever had. He kicked my ass, I kicked his... Very good night. I had a lot of fun. ^_^
eeeeeeeek, I'm so giddy I can't sleep! Mo mis so pissed at me, but I'm still HAPPY! :D
I haven't felt like this since John and I started dating. ^^;
*bounce*bounce
*giddy* ^_^;
John never came over last night, I don't think he remembered he asked. He was dead tired when I saw him this morning, and even more so when I had to wake him up when I went to see him after school. I hope he remembers his insurance, tomorrow. yeep.
I'mma giddy, 'cause, well.
I visisted John today after school, and he told me he was writing a song.. To me. No one has EVER done something like that for me. Ever. He's this big heavy metal person, only metal-sings (which is a little more like tuneful screaming, in my opinion) but there he was, taking the time to learn how to really sing, an' he was playing a regular acustic (sp?) guitar... The tune was so beautiful... I was lost in the sound, and his eyes. He was playing guitar and looking me in the eyes... *Swoon*
*ignores the sound of a whip cracking*
wheee, John asked if he could pop over. ^_^ *thrilled*
O_O *realization*
I'm whipped!! >_<;
Nikkita told me that several of my friends didn't like the way I was changing and were already considering abandoning me for good. Something tells me she's one of them, even though she swore she wasn't.
Yeah, they can abandon me if they want. They should. It's not like I care. They could all turn their backs on me, every last one of them. They could backstab me, ignore me, openly make fun of me.
Go ahead. I'll be just fine.
Watch me. I don't need them. Any of them.
If they were planning on abandoning me in the first place, I never needed them. Ever.
The one thing that pisses me off is that Nikkita refused to tell me who it was. They told her.. HER, who I considered my best, my closest friend... It'd have been better if she had told me. It'd be better if I knew. But, instead, she tells me she knows who, tells me what they said, then refuses to tell me who. Those who have a right to know... should KNOW. I mean, yeah, there are some cases where it's better heard from the mouth of the cheating boyfriend, so to say, but there are other cases where it's just better to know from a friend. Relationships are different from friendships. It's a different kind of bond. Always better to hear from the other than from one of their friends. But when it comes to friends... friendly aquaintances..
traitors...
Melissa and Kyle. Those are two. I know it. They came over while I was at Nikkita's earlier today. Melissa looked absolutely disgusted to see me and stedfastly ignored me for at least half an hour. Even Kyle. Kyle, who disobeyed Melissa's orders and came to see me, once. Told me that he wasn't supposed to see me anymore.
I don't understand what I could have done wrong. I can't think of anything. At all. Why would Melissa suddenly turn on me? Why? What could I have possibly done? It's not like I make moves on Kyle. I have a boyfriend that I'm very happy with, and would never do anything to lose him. Ever.
I don't understand WHY.
If it doesn't really matter to me then WHY DOES IT HURT SO MUCH?!
Why does it hurt that Stephen accused me of trying to fck up his life at every chance I got? Why does it hurt that no one trusts me? Why does it hurt that they're abandoning me? Why does it feel like my heart is slowly being torn out? Why do I CARE?
I shouldn't. Shouldn't care. I've got all I need right here at home. I've got an okay house, even though it's not clean all the time, I could do something about that... I've got all my cats, even though Inky has gone missing, I have things to eat, water and milk to drink, so I can be healthy, I've got a loving mother, someone to hate right here within these very walls, something to make me afraid from time to time, I've got a car so I can go to the cemetary and think whenever I want, and sometimes John comes over. I get love, affection; I've got all I need, right here. Why should I care about anything that goes on outside of these walls, save my education?
I don't need them.
Any of them.
Just like they don't need me.
Rayne0fBl00d: All I wanted was to remain as detatched from the situation as possible.
Agemo Oryp: wel, so i kno, im fixin to do what i have to, and ill probly die while doin it
Rayne0fBl00d: you won't DIE
Rayne0fBl00d: you're a fucking teenager
Rayne0fBl00d: it's not the end of the world
Agemo Oryp: no i dont mean ill will do it
Agemo Oryp: i mean people will hunt me and and try killin me
Rayne0fBl00d: by Gaia, Stephen, you're almost as bad as an attention-star
Rayne0fBl00d: and if, *gasp* you still considered me a friend, I'd protect you.
Rayne0fBl00d: You don't realize, Stephen
Rayne0fBl00d: I meant what I said way back when
Rayne0fBl00d: No matter how much you hurt me, I'll always be here.
Agemo Oryp: u, protect me? HA i have a better chance of livin without u in the way
Rayne0fBl00d: then who, might I ask, shall protect you from yourself.
Agemo Oryp: ya but i also realize that because i hurt u ur goin to take almost everychance u get to fuck up my life
Rayne0fBl00d: ...
Previous message was not received by Agemo Oryp because of error: User Agemo Oryp is not available.
At this point, I was blocked.
Why am I not surprisd that it's Stephen that awakens the nearly undeniable urge to cut?
Yeah, he hurt me. He hurt me BAD. He used me and avoided me for half a year... Until he got his girlfriend pregnant. I kept his Carmen secret, because I was asked to. I kept his Jessie secret, because I was asked to. I lied to one of my best friends because he asked me to. Begged me not to tell her that he cheated on her while she was pregnant with his child. I lied to her face when I probably should have told her. I let him use me as a distraction, TWICE. I let him use me, abuse me, and I have ALWAYS been there to listen when no one else would, to be there when he needed someone to talk to, to be his friend when everyone else hated him. Yeah, I got pissed at him for what he did to Candice, but I never hated him for it. In fact I think I was the only person in Leeds that didn't hate him for it. Perhaps I should have? No matter how much I gave, he always demanded more. Demanded that I distract him. Lie for him. The one time I don't take his side in something, try to point out that he seriously needs to grow up..
He accuses me of trying to fuck up his life every chance I get.
I'm sick of it.
I'm sick of always finding myself crying because of him. I'm sick of him hurting me. I'm sick of lying for him, keeping his secrets, sick of him always expecting me to agree with him no matter what, sick of his selfish ways, I'm sick of HIM.
I'm sick of feeling like I don't mean anything.
I could screw over his relationship tomorrow, if I wanted to, knowing what I know.
What I want right now, more than anything, is just to feel John pull me to him and hold me close.
The next best thing would be to hit Stephen over and over again until his corpse is a bloody mass beneath my red and dripping hands.
Cried for the first time in a while. yay, I think
hm. I'm afraid to go to sleep for fear of dreaming.
Hello, all nighter. e.e;
SQUEEE! I got my license!
My first car is a little Ford Escort that's mah baby an' I love her cause she'll go fast when I want her to and if I go 75 mph she starts rattling to let me know I'm speeding. ^^; My good girl.
Candice is going to have a little boy. She showed me the ultrasounds today, and Josh (the father) gave me a cigar. I took a puff from it, coughed, put it out, and now I'm keeping it for sentimental value.
Lessee. John woke me up around seven twenty this morning, I left thr house at ten thirty to get to school in time to buy a parking decal and whatnot. Saw Derrick, talked to him for a bit, went to school, talked to people, ate lunch, napped while propped against the radiator, went to fourth block, went into the ultra-warm closet ('cause it's filled with pipes from the boiler) and read all block. Went home. Saw ultrasounds. Woke up John. Got teased. Went to TKD, hung out with Philip (eeek, he knows where I live now, eeeek!) came home here I am.
What a beautiful day.
I have half a tank of gas left.
I got the damned car last night.
DAMMIT
Well, Thursday I came home from TKD class with my mother and my stepfather came and met us at the truck, then proceeded to accuse my mother of slipping him LSD or something, and told her he called the cops on her. Apparently he had a seizure or something and just started freaking out. Thought everyone and everything was trying to kill him. The cats included. He carved words (something about "they're trying to kill me")into the livingroom walls, and pretty much tore up one of the pannels in the livingroom... Dunno what he did it with, but I think I would have rathered he carved himself up. Preferably outside, blood is hard to get out of carpet. Anyways, couple of ambulances came and carted him off, Mom went with and told me to stay in the house. Alone. by myself. While I was shaking like a drink mixer. So, after pacing a few minutes, I did the one thing I could think of to do.
I called John.
He wanted to get me out of the house, take me over to his house. I wish I could have gone. But Mom told me to stay at the house, and it's all I could do. -_- So John came over... With Josh, Mary, two boxes of pizza and coke. ;>_>
They made me laugh and feel better in general... 'course, I started feeling better when John hugged me when he came in. He held me close and told me I was safe... and I believed him. Things were better, after that. The fact that they all stayed the night with me helped that much more, 'cause Mom didn't come home until around four AM... yarg.
It was nice, knowing a muscle man was in the room down the hall... But I think it was better knowing John was right there (snoring and drooling a little) beside me.
hm. I never feel that safe. It was nice.
Mind you, I haven't seen John since and probably won't until April somethin' or other. 10th, maybe.
Prom's the 9th. I wonder if I'll go. I don't think I care, and Nikkita's pissed at me for not caring.
I mean... Who wants to dress up, put on a layer of make-up, pay $25.00 for a hairstyle that'll fall within two hours to be miserable for part of the night trying to pretend to be friendly with people you hate? Besides, hardly anyone's going to be there... There's a baseball game that night and ACTs are that morning, so.
What's the point?
It's ONLY my senior prom.
Anyways, I need to go. I'm trying for my license again tomorrow.
*sigh* try number... FOUR.
Well, I'm warming to the use of the word "baby"... as a nickname, at least. John's called me that a couple of times, and I've NEVER let anyone call me that, nor have I ever called anyone "baby"... until now..
Last night I nearly died in TKD class. We started class by running around the gym a couple of times, full speed, and I had been foolish enough to not use my inhaler before hand. So before we even started stretching, I was on the verge of death. T_T; We stretched, I could breathe.. a little easier, but in the middle of forms I was about to pass out so I had to ask my instructor if I could be excused for a moment. ;>_>
I'm stupid, like that. I'll push myself WAY past my limits, keep going and not tell anyone. However, if I start having a panic attack, I'll drop my pride and say, "hey, I think I need to sit down... I'm shaking enough to be an efficient drink-mixer. e.e;" Other than that, no. I'd feel... girly. Pathetic.
Weak.
I think it's because I want nothing more than to excel in something that my sister isn't. I mean... geez, she draws better than I do, she made better grades than I make, everybody loves her, no one thinks she's "easy", she's kept a boyfriend for over four years now, she's not a cutter, never has been, never will be, and the fact that she attempted suicide three times never phased anyone. Except me.
When people look at me, they see the scars on my arms, the bad grades, the half-finished drawings I threw away because they weren't good enough. They see a violent little girl who "just needs a good beating" (-stepmother's father, in response to her whining about how dangerous I am), who can't do anything right, who can't keep her room clean keep a boyfriend, her head out of the clouds and, apparently, her legs shut. Maybe I DO do things for attention. If I do, it's subconcious. Maybe a part of me is screaming, as John said, once, but I doubt it's for 'help'...
Notice the girl in the corner, the shadows, with the set expression of apathy. Notice the silent scream tearing from her eyes, screaming, screaming for...
For someone to simply understand.
*Sighs* I've been thinking too much on the wrong things again. Someone shoot me. -_-;