So, uhm, apparently Creasman and I got back together...? It was rather sudden. o_O
I'm debating on whether or not to change my username back to "Creasman's Freak". ;>_>
I dunno. I'll probably not bother.
And for those of you who want to tell me that I'm just setting myself up for another round of heartbreak... Don't bother, because I know. :)
feeling antisocial and lonely again. I always seem to feel like that after seeing John for some reason. *sigh* I'd go ahead and give up and cart myself off to a psyche ward if House on Haunted Hill hadn't given me a brand new fear of institutions. e_e
Goddess help me, I've a concussion and suddenly a brand new weight on my mind. I'm not thinking clearly enough for this kind of stress. I'm probably going to end up in a coma by this time next year >_<
I've got another concussion. x.x;
my thoughts keep turning to the first girl I ever kissed, Holly. I often wonder how she's doing, where she is now, and if I'll ever see her again.
I remember her kiss. ... Damn she was a good kisser. I remember how shy she was when we were alone in her car.
heh.
So this "hidden flirt" thing seems pretty stupid.
Look, I'm still alive.
I feel antisocial and lonely.
Talk about a contradiction in emotions. e_e
Lookit, I'm still alive and uncommited, instatutionall
I want to have sex! sex sex sex! Intercourse! ARGH!
I can see your smile. Your eyes shine with the light of your joy. Your touch is gentle; your kiss tender. The warmth of your arms around me is an intoxicating comfort. I would drown in the depths of your eyes if you weren't holding me so close. The soft texture of your lips overwhelms me. When you smile, I have no choice but to return it.
I can see your smile, but your eyes are void of the emotion you are imitating. You will not touch me, and I am left with the chill of loneliness and your silence. I would drown in the depths of your eyes if only you would look at me. The softness of your lips is no longer mine to kiss. When you smile, I wish you would not hide.
Well, today I find out whether or not my psychologist thinks I should be thrust into a straight-jacke
If I'm not seen for a month or longer, it's because I got committed. I'll try to leave word or something to anyone who happens to care, but, y'know. *Shrug*
I wish I could scream. I wish I could ignore the compeling urge to slice my flesh open.
I wish he hadn't left me.
I really, really fucking wish I knew what I did wrong.
As you can tell from my "mood", my modem isn't working. There was a lightning storm a couple of nights ago and it fried the modem like an egg at Waffle House. e.e; So until I can buy a new one, I'm without internet... Hello, world of video games. *Sigh*
I wish I could scream. I wish I could just go to sleep and never wake up.
I wish I could stop thinking.
I wish John would talk to me...
Once again, names have been popping up on the visited list thing, so I figured I may as well update...
School started, and that sucks. I was going to co-op, which means I'd be able to leave school after third block. However, since I'm back for only one semester and I need all four credits, someone somewhere doesn't like me and decided co-op isn't a credit-worthy class anymore, so I had to switch to being a teacher's aid. Once again, I'm an aid to the art teacher... 's just a different teach this time, and with a much larger group of freshmen. Since I'm usually bummed out at school, I have the "Classical Creasman" additude, I guess... the whole "I honestly don't care" thing. I grew up some during the summer and high school drama is honestly a load of bullshit to me now. Thank you, John, for bestowing that upon me. I'm certain it rubbed off on me.
I bought a pack of Salem Black Labels today... Well, more accurately, I sent a driver at work to get them and paid for them. Usually I'm a pretty light smoker... two or three marlboro lights at work... But a ton of new stresses have entered my life and I need something with a punch to it. I used to smoke Salems on a regular basis... killed my lungs, too, 'cause they're menthols and I have asthma.
*shivers* It's cold. It's also 3:00 in the morning, and I have to be at work at 10am... an' I'm not scheduled to get off until 8pm. *sighs* overtime, here I come... hah, though it's doubtful, now that I'm back in school and my manager is actually concerned with my grades and whatnot. cool.
well. I should try to sleep. I should probably call John, but.. 1. he might be asleep, 2. I don't know what I'd say and 3. it'd be pointless.
Quick note: If anyone's actually paying attention to this stupid little diary (I occasionally see the same usernames pop up without leaving a message of any sort, so I figure maybe they're checking the diary.. *shrug*) it'd be better if you looked at my livejournal account, because it gets updated more often... http://www.liv
well, there it be, either check it out or don't. I'll warn you now, I have a tendency to go on really long rants there.
Moving on to actual stuff...
My manager asked me what I thought about being a shift leader, and I replied that I didn't. He went on to explain just what a shift leader is: the first step in management. A shift leader comes in and runs the shift so the manager can actually run the store. John had been mopping at the time, and looked at me and mouthed, "I told you! Go for it." So I told my manager I'd give it some thought. My last semester of school would certainly put a dent in that, but it would also give me the time "under my belt", as they say, that I would need for such a postition. After all, I've only been working there for three months. <_<
In other news, I've got my car back. <3
I was off today, and I'm going to have to go back and close tomorrow, yukk!
ah well.
MY CAR IS BROKEN AGAIN!! >_< The Transmission they gave me didn't work... That angers me. I should go over there before work tomorrow and beat the utter hell out of them.
Or say nasty things to them.
Or stand there and stare at them until they're uncomfortable.
Yeeeeeess.... I have a plan.
Now I just need to borrow Mom's truck an hour early.
Grr! John just got hired to the Pizza Hut I work at, and he's getting better hours than me. >_<
Ah, well. I suppose it doesn't matter.
I feel homesick.
As I look out the window at the predawn light, I feel a vague ache in my heart. The light makes everything look blue, so that it's almost surreal. I look out into the world with a faint sense of longing. I feel tired, but I don't want to go to bed. After I while, I realize why: I don't want to go to bed alone.
Sure, sex with John is, well, orgasmic, but... Waking up to him makes me smile. I feel at peace when I'm around him. When I think about it, I realize that I don't absolutely HAVE to be around him every second of the day... But when I am, it's nice.
I've lost my CD case again, dammit. I need to clean my room. >_<
Yay, I'm off work today. Gots a psychologist appointment at 5:15, though. I hope my car can make it to Trusville. o_O She just got out of the shop, so she's actually moving now. She's still jerking a little when she shifts gears, though. Poor little escort.
My sick, twisted dreams are calling to me again. I suppose I should answer and submit.
ARGH.
Graduation is tomorrow. So far I've managed to be at least kind of cheerful all day, though I was a little peeved with John for some reason. I still can't figure it out. Must be PMS.
I have a really bad headache and I've felt really sick all day. I don't think Midol and Celibrex get along very well.
Need to get money to Josh for some... stuff.. that I desperately need for tomorrow night...
yeah. anyways. I'mma go. I have a killer headache and my stomach still hurts from taking too much medicine on an empty stomach several hours ago.